So how do I do this?

[beenthere2]

I am a nurse that is addicted to opiates.  When I first registered on this site I was "clean", hence my name.  I posted a few times coming from the viewpoint of someone in recovery.  Now I'm back as someone who needs help.  I have only known working in hospitals.  I dont know anything else and I HAVE to work as I am a single mother.  Its like being an alcoholic and working as a bartender.  It is a constant, daily, hourly struggle.  I had a recent "slip-up" and am scared to death.  I've done a lot of reading about SMART recovery and it really appeals to me.  NA never felt right so I've only gone twice. I have been reading your advice for a few weeks now and its really helped but for someone in my situation where its my livlihood as well as my life, I know I need some practical tools.

I was taken by your comment about picturing a "positive" instead of a negative.  Instead of me imagining NOT taking the drugs, I have to imagine DOING something else.  But what??  As I stand there with a syringe full of morphine that I have to waste, what do I do?  Yes, I can picture throwing it out but where does the "pleasure" come in?  I hope I'm making sense.

[Thomas050]

Ahhh yes, learning to be able to be happy without using, that is the million dollar question all recovering addicts must find the answer to and it is definitely not an easy task. And with you, the exposure thing is definitely no help.
I don't have any difinitive answers for you, but a short while ago someone (I think Hippee) stared a thread on 'how to feel good without drugs' - something to that effect. Again, there is no absolute answer, but there were some things there you might find helpful.
I have a friend that many years ago OD'd on crystal meth. He actually died and they were able to revive him. It's funny because he never touched a drug since then, and he has such a deep appreciation for the little things in life now. For example, he litterally gets immense pleasure out of something like watching geese. I was watching him watch these geese one time and he said to me "I'm not even supposed to be here right now". He sees every day as a gift. it is wonderful to be able to appreciate life like that, perhaps we all take it for granted a little at times. He doesn't take one minute for granted. It is a shame it takes a second-chance event like that to be able to feel that way. In a way he is inspirational, I try to feel like that and I can sometimes, but it's for me it's fleeting. But yea that post by hippee, if you can find it check it out. If I remember - friends, hobbies, religion, helping others - basically trying to keep your mind fully occupied and eventually over time the cravings get less and less. I know I look back at my cocain addiction and can now say "wow, I can't believe I needed that stuff", and I would flush it in the toilet if it was presented to me now. I think opiate addiction takes more work and time to get past, but I can't imagine it not being possible. I know it has a way when you are off it of only recalling the good feeling from it. But remember the bad also. Force yourself to remember why you want to quit and focus on that. Don't let it trick you.

Let us know how you are doing.
Best,
Thomas050

[nwbeachin]

Do I remember the days of having that syringe of Demerol thinking.."What to do?" I was one of those nurses you would find in the bathroom stall injecting what was left over in a vial. Or from taking a patient's much needed medication and using it on myslef.
I was a nurse who lost her license because of my drug use AND, most importantly, because I was too damned stuborn to admit I had that bad of a problem. There was no other recourse for the board but to yank my license.
I con't have any intentions of getting myself re-instated as I do not trust myself around drugs. And my forte is Pediatrics. I couldn't work with patients other thatn in a hospital setting.
I did get off opiates...any and all were my DOC...for about 4 and a half years. Then I discovered Vicodin. Within weeks, I was taking 2-3 ata time several times a day...until I was up to about 32-40 daily.
As a Nurse, I knew how to call in RX to the pharmacies...illegally. Well, one day, it came to a sudden stop...after taking Vics for about 6 months...and I ended up in Drug Court (i year) and outpatient treatment for almost 21 months.
I was one of those Nurse's that no one suspected...at first until my behavior started to change. Oh, I took care of my patiens as a top notch nurse...working in the Newborn Intensive Care...last position. But I had porr judgment and in complete denial....
Denial can kill us. I am so interested in where you are with your using and what you plan on doing.
The second time around was what did it for me...God I wish I stopped years ago and salvaged my license...but I can't change the past. Today, I have over three years clean and my life is leaps and bounds beyond what I thought possible.
I just have regrets not stopping and staying clean years ago. I pray you get a hold of this now and  stop. There is no such thing as controlled usage when addicted. And I have never met someone addicted to opiates who just thought of stopping...did so and life was great.
There are so many issues behind using that need to be addressed for addicition to come to a halt. My thoughts are with you and your child...
jan

[vikequeen]

No offense but as the mother of a child and a vike addict your post made me very sad, you said you worked in peds and you took patients meds? that scares me a little, I am no better than you cause I was in the dental profession and I called in scripts also, but it just send shivers up my back to think of you taking the pain meds of someone who needs them. Sorry not being judgemental cause I have done things but don't think I could resort to that. Badd

[nwbeachin]

I can say I never took meds while I worked in Pediatrics...but every place else I did.....after I developed my addiction. I am far from proud about what I have done. But I am being honest and being real about what lengths an addict can and will go. I don't try to justify my actions...only hope I have been forgiven by those I affected and hurt. Many I can't go to to make ammends.

It is a horrible place to be...alone using drugs meant for someone else...but all you can think of is..getting your drug.

When I was growing up, I never strived to be an addict pilfering patient's drugs and leaving them without pain relief. Was not exactly what I aspired to do with my life....but it was one of my behaviors....one that is in the past and not to be repeated by this person. But there are many an addict working in the medical profession as we speak. Andnot one of them went to medical or nursing school hoping to work hard and long to get a degree as to access patient's medications.

It is sad....but trueand I have to be honest and stay honest. Maybe there is another nurse out there who has done similar things that just needs to read about soemone just like her/him...so they don't feel like they were the only low-life to do such a thing.
I don't feel you are being judmental...but just being honest, also. And for that I am grateful.
jan

[mrmichael67]

Don't worry, you aren't the only one who has done that.  I have read elsewhere people doing the same thing.  Although I would hope I would never do such a thing, I have never been put in that position to find out if I would.  I have read nurses taking patient's Duragesic patches off of their bodies and putting them on their own bodies.  It IS amazing what lengths one will go to.  Don't beat yourself up over it.  You can't change the past.  Just work on who you are NOW.

[Chezz2]

I usually don't do this, yet I will this time. As some of you know, I just recently lost my Mom(I am 28) and my Uncle took his life(get a chuckle Thomas?)
Anyway, my Grandmother passed this on to me, as I shall pass it on to you. I see the "light" in its delivery, and I hope you do too.

For God so loved.. (me).. that he gave, John 3:16

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and
challenged
us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to
look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being. She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?" I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.. "Why are you in college at such a young, innocent
age?"
I asked. She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a couple of kids.." "No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age. "I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for
the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me. Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon
her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our
football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was
introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry
I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is
killing me!
I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you
what I know."
As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success.
You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it! There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed
for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change. Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."

She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose." She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives. At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's
never too late to be all you can possibly be.

REMEMBER GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

We make a Living by what we get, We make a Life by what we give.
(AUTHOR UNKNOWN)

Chezz

[Chezz2]

As most of you know, I am not religious.

Although through this site, the things I have gone through in the past, with this site, many withdrawal periods, periods of writings that have touched some- I have begun to write.
I have written over 100 exerpts like I would post while withdrawaling, for those of you whom remember(and encouraged me to go on).
After the tragic death of my Mother whom died in a fire. Then my Uncle whom took his life tragically in the same way. I have come to a point in my life that I can't describe.
So I write...

For some, losing your best friend (opiates of all sorts) brings upon feelings that you are unable to describe.

To you, I can only suggest...letting it out...freeing your mind as well as your body...

Chezz

[willowgirl]

ISNT IT SAD THAT A LITTLE PILL COULD BECOME OUR BEST FRIEND, BEYOND ALL OTHERS?
I HAVE BEEN USING FOR A VERY LONG TIME. I WAS SUPPOSED TO SEE A DR FOR BUPRENORPHINE, BUT IN MY STATE THEY CAN ONLY TREAT 30 PEOPLE AT A TIME.  I TOLD MY MOM AND SHE HOLDS MY BEST FRIENDS IN LITTLE BAGGIES WITH THE DAYS ON THEM SO I CAN ONLY USE WHAT IS PRESCRIBED TO ME.  I HAD TOLD MY PRIMARY DR ABOUT A MONTH AGO AND HE PRESCRIBED ENOUGH VICODIN FOR ME TO WEAN DOWN SLOWLY AND TO KEEP ME FROM HAVING SEVERE WITHDRAWLS. BUT I MUST SAY THIS SUCKS, ALTHOUGH I HAVENT GOTTEN THE OPIATES OUT OF MY SYSTEM COMPLETELY, I FEEL SO UNHAPPY. I HAVE LOST CONTROL I CANNOT TAKE 3 PILLS AT ONCE TO CATCH A LIL BUZZ BECAUSE IF I DO THAT I WILL NOT MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY. I HAVE TO BE HONEST AND SAY I WISH I COULD TAKE THE VICODIN AND JUST FUNCTION IN LIFE WITHOUT IT BEING A PROBLEM. BUT I DO KNOW IT IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM. MY MOODS ARE TERRIBLE. I OBSESS OVER THEM. AND I NEEDED MORE AND MORE TO GET THE SAME RESULT.  I HAVE COME OFF THEM A FEW TIMES AND I REMEMBER HOW GOOD I FELT AFTER THE PSYCHOLOGICAL AND PHYSICAL WITHDRAWLS SUBSIDED,  I FELT ALIVE AND HAPPY AND I DID EVENTUALLY GET MY ENERGY BACK, I CAN TELL YOU ALL THIS BUT I AM SCARED TO DEATH TO STOP USING AND I  JUST  DONT KNOW WHY.  I DO KNOW THAT THERE IS A LIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF VICODIN, I HAVE BEEN THERE. I JUST CANT REMEBER HOW I GOT  THERE AND HOW TO STAY THERE ONCE I FIND IT. I AM SO SO SCARED RIGHT NOW.  THANK YOU ALL FOR LISTENING.

[oxic]

......actually, i'll pay you!!!!!!!!!

uuuuurrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh

[peaz]

So---Let's talk turkey!!!!  Actually, I think  Monday will work.... It sounds like you need to vent.  Email me.

Does she do windows????

[nwbeachin]

I have a question? After you quit last time and got thru the psychological withdrawals...then what did you do? I ask that because I believe that these little white demons of a pill are so strong that one needs to have a battle plan drawn up...and used!!
I know that if I got the chance...and someone put them into my hands....I "might" take them. I used to say...before I relapsed the last timew (clean 3 years now)...I used to say I would never use again. Gee, who gave me the powers of seeing into the future? Oooops, that is right, I can't see into the future...so I guess I shouldn't have said I would never use again.
Now...for today, I safeguard myself. I have let all the people I trust and am close to know my history and if I ever need meds....narcotics...I don't get them....someone gives them to me.
I changed the way I thought about myself and dealt with issues that hindered my growth.
I went into therapy and faced alot of my fears, insecurities and tried to erase alot of old, negative tapes I used to play over an over again in my head. I have learned to replace them with poositive affirmations...and if one of those old tapes rear their ugly heads, I force myself to snatch that old tape out of my head and start a new one.
There is so much to staying clean.....so much work. One can't just quit drugs and expect life to be great. The reasons we used, the emotions, feelings, issues we pushed away are still there. We have given them so much power that they can stop us in out tracks and keep us from moving forward....AND...keep us from having good things in our lives.
I speak of this from experience and from what has worked best....for me.
What I have said may not apply to you...just wanted to share what has helped me in my journey to finally find....jan.

[Sturgil]

What is there left to do??? The big question. First let me say hello again to everyone. The 4th of next month will be six months clean from 20 10/500 and 15 soma 350mg daily.

Here is what I went through. The first 90 days - Sleep was golden to me. I did not sleep for more than 3 to 4 hours. No cravings but the mental side of things was a huge issue. We all know it well. The feeling I have lost a good friend. Not wanting to sleep, work, sit or stand. The zest for life, work and family was dead. I did attend I.O.P. for the first 8 weeks. This helped to fill the nights. But after I was out of class, I had tons of free time. I hated sitting on the sofa but hated walking around the house in circles more. I really felt like I had noting to look forward to or even anything to work towards. I call this the NO MANS LAND or LIMBO.

*** THERE IS HOPE ***

Around 95 days the ups and downs started to level out. By four months weekends were fun and I looked forward to working as well as time off. It does change. Very slowly. Everyday I see things getting better. I feel so alive and thankful that I do not have to hunt for more pills. When I go to bed at night I know how I will feel in the morning. Sleep has once again returned.

I write this to give you hope. As all the 12 step programs tell us we will see the PROMISES. I have experienced them a little bit at a time. The drugs are not the problem, we are. Not family, spouse or work. It is us. If NA does not work, try AA or RxA. Keep looking, all groups are different and you will find one that makes you feel safe and welcome.

I would like to thank those on the board who helped me. Thomas the receipe (spelling) works! The experience, strength and hope you all shared will be passed on.

Remember - Every passing moment gives us the opportunity to change our direction. Fight for your life.

Sturgil Flockin
p.s. A special thanks to GOD for doing what I could not.

[willowgirl]

JAN YOU ARE SO RIGHT.  I DID NOTHING!!! I JUST THOUGHT I WOULD BE OK. AND I WAS FOR A BIT  ( A FEW GREAT MONTHS ) BUT THEN ONCE AGAIN THE VICODIN BECAME AVAILABLE TO ME AND I THOUGHT AS MOST OF US WHO HAVE RELAPSED " OH I CAN HANDLE JUST A FEW" AND YOU ALL KNOW WHAT COMES AFTER THAT.  I AGREE I NEED A PLAN BUT I DONT KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. I HAVE ALOT OF BAGGAGE AND THAT IS NO EXCUSE AND I DONT HANDLE ANYTHING ANYMORE, EVERYTHING SEEMS SO DIFFICULT TO HANDLE LATELY, SO SHOULD I GET CLEAN, I OFTEN WONDER WITHOUT MY LIL FRIENDS WHO OR WHAT WILL I TURN TO JUST TO DEAL WITH LIFE.  MY LIFE IS NOT SO BAD, IT COULD BE A HECK OF ALOT WORSE AND I REALIZE THAT BUT THAT ISNT ENOUGH.  I HAVE BEEN DEPENDENT SOOOO LONG.  I WENT TO AN NA MEETING AND I DONT MEAN TO SOUND BE LITTLING TO ANYONE OR TO THE PROGRAM BECAUSE I KNOW IT WORKS FOR ALOT OF PEOPLE, BUT I JUST DIDNT FEEL RIGHT THERE. EVERYONE WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY HAD NO MONEY OR JOBS OR HOW THEY WERE SOOO SCREWED UP AND I DIDNT RELATE.  NOT THAT I AM NOT SCREWED UP BUT I COULDNT RELATE. DONT GET ME WRONG I AM AN ADDICT AND I HAVE A PROBLEM, A SERIOUS ONE.  BUT THERE HAS TO BE ANOTHER WAY TO GO BESIDES NA? DOES ANYONE KNOW OF ONE?

[oxic]

DEAL

[lisabet]

Hi Jan - welcome!  Congrats on being 3 years clean.  Sounds like you're a work-in-progress, sorting things out and dealing with them.  You're very realistic to admit that if you had the pills in your hand you "might" very well take them.  That honestly and frankness is refreshing; realizing that even after being clean for 3 years, you know all it would take is a weak moment to go all the way back to square one.  As a "still" struggling (but getting better, little by little) user, I appreciate your story.  It is frank and honest and has made me think. I've printed it, and it will be pasted in my journal I started about a month ago (along with other great posts from people on the forum). This is just one "small" step I've taken to try to start the healing process. (Although I EVEN have dreams about dying and my family finding the journal and being "horrified" when they read it!!!)...smile  Thanks and Love, Lisabet.....have a great weekend.

[beenthere2]

Guess I wan't clear.  I don't need detox- I don't have withdrawals. When I said "slipup" I meant taking a percocet after not having taken anything for 8 months. I am well aware of the constant struggle and more importantly the danger of any slipups.  

Thanks to all who responded- nbeachin- I'm sorry your not a nurse anymore... you sound like you were a great one before this horrible addiction took hold.

[Forum-M.D.-rcb]

The plea you made in the original question was heartrending and it is not the same as you represent in your followup.

You speak of the taking of a  Percocet as though it were a relapse when in actuality it is a lapse and if you extend that into an act of rumination, fear, guilt and/or shame it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. A lapse is a grand opportunity to assess how good the Percocet felt and to accept that and to then weigh the previous months  versus what it was like when you were using. Cost/benefit analyses need to be repeated and repeated because the brain is capable of self-deception readily and this deception is necessary in a real world that is full of disappointments but you don't have to buy into it..

Try to get some counselling help and/or  go to the website or attend meetings  for support but try to associate with individuals with whom you share values rather than merely a commonality of a past history of using. Ther is nothing wrong with seeking pleasure it is a matter of what you are willing to pay for it and to seek relationships that are less costly.

[vikequeen]

Chezz sorry about your mom and uncle, and that story I have read b4 but its still beautiful, beach I am jan too and I am sorry if I sounded houlier than though, I am not, I have done things a prostitute would not do to get pills lol I am truly sorry, I Know you did what you had to do at the time and your addict brain was functioning I know as a rational person you would never do that. We are all struggling here I am sorry I was not more compassionate Baddgirl

[mrmichael67]

It is really nice to hear a success story.  I am glad you are getting it back.  You certainly worked for it.

[Chezz2]

Bdgirl,

Thanks for the condolences. It seems these days are just a little dimmer, yet brighter in the way I can see into them.
I have learned a lot through these recent events and thought I would pass on an exerpt that was passed on to me.
I am not ready to travel the road already travelled, by the exerpts I have written from the soul...

Chezz

[aks]

I am needing to know what certain medications will do to someones personality - my friend has been taking several different pain killers, etc. since last Oct. and she is not even close to the same person I have known for years. If anyone has a minute to chat I would appreciate it. Thanks, AKS

[Sturgil]

I can only speak about myself when answering your question.

The lortabs changed me in many different ways. Here is a list:

Moody - when I had the drugs I was on top of my game. (so I thought)When I was running out I would run over anyone to get what "I" wanted. Unless you had some tabs..then you were my best friend until I got them from you.

Anger - Very short temper.

Upset stomach - At certain times during my use I would get hang overs or what some call mini DT's. Then the bad mood and anger would hit.

Implusive - I would do things and say things I would not have done not that I am clean. This means sex, going to crack houses to get tabs or even buying them on the street. I would put drugs ahead of family, bills, God and work.

WHEN I WAS HIGH - I loved the World - What I mean by this is I thought I had found Narvana and everything around me I was in love with. The drugs gave me passion (fake) for stupid things. This is what I call the rose colored glasses.

There are more things that I experienced by the ones listed are the top of the list. Remember this - you can not make anyone quit or make them do something they are not ready for. Nobody could make me quit until I was ready. You always hear about hitting bottom. I look at it this way. Picture yourself on top of a very tall tree with lots of limbs. The term hitting bottom is nothing more than me hitting branches on the way down to the bottom of the tree. At the bottom of the tree is my grave..waiting on me. That is the bottom. Hitting the branches are designed to wake you up with their pain. This pain, looking back, was a blessing and saved my life.

God's Speed.

Sturgil Flockin

[suzieneedshelp]

You did appear tpo change your tone message one to 2 but then again the written word is hard to decipher mood of the writer.  But i wanted to tel u that my room mate in inpatient was an RN who was married to a DR. .  she was in the nurses program for recovering nurses and did not work in settings where she might be tempted.  No access to narcotics or benzos is the name of th egame is wut she said.  WE cannot control opur drugs...nor our disease.  We must realise we are powerless over our disease..that is why people , plac es and things are so importatn to change in recovery.  You know all this.. but a reminder is given in love with respect that you know wut u need to do to get back on track.
Peace...
Suzie

[Kurt Cobain]

As a former health-care worker who had access to narcotics (fentanyl via Duragesic -- "artificial heroin"), I can relate to your situation.  The hatred I felt for myself was unbelievable every time I lapsed.  I was never found out at my workplace, but was subsequently caught passing fake scrips.  Through an incredibly merciful court, I am still free from jail and will remain so if I follow the conditions of my probation.

Anyway. . .one of the greatest blessings I received from my last rehab was knowledge of and prescription of a drug called ReVia (naltrexone).  You're probably familiar with it as a nurse -- it is a narcotic agonist which, once established in the system and taken REGULARLY, will nullify any "high" from a narcotic "slip" like the one you described (a Percocet after 8 months clean).  I have had opportunities a few times since going on ReVia to "slip up", but the knowledge that I would get no high and a dirty urine were very valuable in keeping me to the straight and narrow.  Now, I know there are "old-school purists" out there who regard this as "cheating", but quite honestly, I couldn't care less what their opinion about naltrexone is.  All I know is that it has helped me stay clean from narcotics since May 4, 2002, and that's all good with me. To me, it's all about the results, baby.  If I knew of an addict who stayed clean by saying a Novena to a sweaty old pair of Air Jordans at precisely 12:01 PM every day, would it be right for me to tell her she was a heathen, weak sinner who was on the highway to Hell and needed NA and Jesus?

Hell, no.  In my humble opinion, of course.

Anyway. . .I guess all I'm saying is you have to stop hating yourself and feeling like you deserve to suffer before you can be made whole.  It's a daily battle for me, harder than quitting the substances ever was.  Good luck to you and Godspeed in your life's journey.

Peace,
Kurt

[AmberHunter]

well said kurt! i have to admit, it hurts to see you use his name, my problem! and now scott weiland looks like he is in trouble again. addiction certainly doesn't respect who we are at all does it? but kurts death really hit me hard, i have always been afraid that i would end up dead by my own hand or an overdose. i somehow suvived my last overdose in dec. 2002 in which i stopped breathing and turned gray. but that was then and this is now! and i am here to fight the good fight, lol!

four years ago, after five weeks in treatment i was sent home with a prescription for revia. i think i took maybe 2 of them. my loss, cause i only stayed clean that time for six months...

don't let my first paragraph make you think i was picking on you ;-) cause kurt, i am not! it is a reminder of what can happen to any one of us, anyone! permanent solution to a temporary problem.

peace,

amber

[Kurt Cobain]

I completely get what you are saying, Amber. . .at least I think so.  :)  I struggled with narcotic addiction since I was 15 and used my father's at home (he was addicted by his doctor for over 11 years, possibly more, to Tylenol 4's post surgery).  Anyway, my problem got way worse after my father's death in March of 1992 from heart-related issues.  Still, I always thought, "Well, Kurt has a daughter now, he can't *possibly* kill himself" (yes, I was young, naive, and pre-children myself).  Also at the time of my father's death, I had been married only three months (but that's another long, intense story which I won't get into here).

The point is, although I had been abstinent for about a year when Kurt took his own life, that perception -- that a child could keep him (or me) from suicide -- was knocked aside forever.  Although I was still childless myself, it was deeply disturbing.

My fist child, my daughter, was born in late 1995.  I was still abstinent, but still suffering from depression (which has been lifelong for me) and other issues.  The next three years were filled with some of the most hellish experiences I have ever had in my life (my wife's post-partum depression/psychosis being only one. . .the rest of it is way too Jerry Springer for this forum, and something I don't even like to think about, actually).  Suffice to say that my sobriety ended in the summer of 1998 after a relapse on codeine cough syrup and the subsequent shattering of my hand as I punched a solid wooden door (I was a "hitter", not of people, but walls, doors, and so on. . .needless to say, eight weeks in a cast and two pins in my hand did the trick and I have never done this since).  Yay for me, I guess. . .slow learner that I am, at least I got that one right.  :)

After that relapse, I was off and on and off and on until May 4, 2002, the day after I was arrested for forging scrips for Percocet.  My son was born in late 2000 and was alive for two of my relapses (including the active addiction I was in during his birth).  Although I was still a narcotic "pill person", I had become extreme towards the end of things. . .my habit at the time of my arrest was about 30-40 5mg Percs a day (you can see why I started writing my own scrips).  Also, I had developed a preference for using a needle by then, dissolving the junk in water 8 or 10 at a time and just shooting the moon.  I know, had I gone on much longer, that heroin would not have been far behind. . .and death not far behind that, at all.

Sorry for the mini-biography. . .I said all that only to say this, to you, Amber, and anyone else who's here. . .it *can* be done.  Thanks to (someone greater than myself) AND myself, I have been free from the **** for just over a year now.  While I haven't been "perfect" as far as living my life goes, it has been immeasurably better every day I don't junk up my veins.  Just the way my kids look at, and think of, me blows me away. . .regardless of how I think of myself, how much I may have disappointed myself over the years, they love me with a kind of love I can't begin to understand.  I am just learning now to kind of just *accept* it and not try to analytically pick it apart or negate it completely.  As one of my dear friends once said to me, "If 99 out of 100 people in your life tell you they think you are a good person, and you are the only one who disagrees, who is more likely wrong or misled?  You or 99 other people who observe you from the outside?"  That's something I'd ask any addict here. . .we seem to be the ones who hate and undervalue ourselves most in our own lives.  Most addicts I've met have been really worthwhile, beautiful people. . .but very, very harsh and judgemental of themselves, which only allows their addictions to creep back in to try and destroy them once and for all.  I'm thankful to be back on this forum, in the company of those who "know". . .thanks for listening to me rant, and as always, I hope someone gets something out of this.

Peace,

Kurt

[Kurt Cobain]

Oh, rude of me. . .sorry to hear of your near-OD in December 2002, but GLAD to hear that you made it. . .reminds me of Christmas Eve, 2001. . .when I did fentanyl on the way home from my job, woke up spawled across the front seat of my car (keys were outside on the ground), cell phone ringing (it was underneath me), wife terrified as to where I was or what happened to me (I was supposed to have been home an hour before, and I always call when I'm not). . .somehow I made it home (though I don't know how many horns blared at me, or how close I came to wiping out, and don't want to). . .ended up not going with my family to Christmas Eve services and almost making them fatherless and a widow.

Somebody sure seems intent on keeping us here, don't they?  :)

Peace,
Kurt

[peaz]

Hey Guy--I just read a few of your posts and I would like to congratulate you on your year+ sobriety!!!  Your posts were powerful in relating the experiences you've been through.  You have come a LONG way from passing out in your car, forging scripts, and  practicing wall pugilism...:-)  I loved the way you spoke of your kids' inconditional love for you....we could all take a lesson from them, couldn't we??
      Why ARE we so Goddamn hard on ourselves???    I am trying like hell to be conceited and self-centered just because I know  I can't survive being my own worst critic!  I'm not doing too well, but I will keep smiling in that mirror and mumbling cheerleads under my breath....One of these days--if I SAY it enough, i WILL begin to think I a worthwhile person.  (repeat after me: I LIKE you Diane, I LIKE you, Diane.....)  
  THANKS, Kurt---for your sensitive way of looking at things and expressing our phobias so well.  Peazy

[Kurt Cobain]

Thanks, Diane. . .and no, I don't know you, other than if you're here, you are like me in a fundamental (life-and-death, actually) struggle -- one which will only end when we breathe our last and go on to see what else is out there.

No, I don't know you, your family, your job, your situation. . .but I can tell you that you ARE a worthwhile person, perhaps even more so than the other "normal" (non-addicted) members of society.

Why?  Simply because of this: the fact that you are here, at all, participating in this forum, tells me that you want something better for yourself.  That alone puts you MILES ahead of some (most? I hope not, but. . .) others in "society" who may not use drugs but use other people. . .or power. . .or money. . .or all of the above -- with no thought of improving themselves or changing their lives at all.  Whom would you rather put your faith in, really?  A junkie who's at least trying to improve herself?  Or someone with a good job, a good life, a lot of success. . .and who has walked on the backs of anyone who got in her way to get where she is today -- and sees nothing wrong with that?

Thank you for your kind words about how far I've come. . .but it is a daily struggle, and I am still trying to figure out how not to make other mistakes in my life.  When I'm ****** up, I have no interest in bettering myself or changing my life in any way. . .except a (passive?) desire for it to end.  The junk takes away from us completely our sense of self.  Self-esteem or self worth?  Oh, puh-LEEZE.

The reason I give you (and all the other) people here more credit than "society" is very simple -- whether you have five minutes or five years clean, or even if you come here high -- somewhere inside of you is a voice that is telling you that you DO deserve good things, that you DO deserve to be happy.

What, or who, is that voice?  Maybe you expect me to say, at this point, "your Higher Power" or "God" or "Jesus Christ" or even "Buddha" or any other name of that sort, but I am not.  Don't get me wrong -- I've lived through enough times when, by all rights, I should have been clinically dead, NOT to believe in a power greater than myself. . .but, ultimately, that power can only *encourage*, not force, that voice you hear to speak -- the one that tells you that you are NOT scum, that you DON'T deserve to suffer, that you are actually pretty worthwhile.

We are not who we are when we use drugs.  We are someone else -- or perhaps just nothing at all -- and the substances we shoot are just an attempt to fill that emptiness.

That voice?  If it sounds familiar, it should. . .it's you.  The REAL you, the fundamental you that knows you are a good person, that you deserve good things and have good things to share with others.  The you that has been deceived for so long.  The you that wants not to survive, but to LIVE.

Hope this helps. . .and that it makes any sense at all.  By the end of my "rants", I am never sure whether I have been coherent or not.

Peace,
Kurt

[peaz]

Damn, Man!!!  AWESOME post!!!!!  I totally agree-- My OWN VOICE is my inner strength and higher power......I AM DOING THIS, and I can rely on MYSELF.  You give me goosebumps. (don't take that wrong....well, okay, you can...:-)    LOL     Peazy

[peaz]

Damn, Man!!!  AWESOME post!!!!!  I totally agree-- My OWN VOICE is my inner strength and higher power......I AM DOING THIS, and I can rely on MYSELF.  You give me goosebumps. (don't take that wrong....well, okay, you can...:-)    LOL     Peazy

[pammy0690]

Great post!  Peazy is an awesome person one of the best really! Keep posting cause we enjoy reading!  Pammy

[gottadoit]

I am 13 days clean from 8 years of Ultram. Yesterday was another crappy day---but I forced myself to read my NA book last night when I was feeling the worst and found it to be rather comforting, by that I mean it was a confirmation of what I am and I what I don't want-- so as bad as yesterday was, I stayed clean. 2 years ago, fresh out of detox I could not have said
that so I guess it was a successful day.  Good Luck to all.

[peaz]

Kurt--I did NOT think my reply was so erudite that it needed to be posted TWICE....LOL  Sorry.  Must be jumpy today...

Pammy---You are just the sweetest THANG!!  Can't wait 'til we can jingle our bracelets together...:-)

  Gottadoit:  Congratulations on turning a crappy day into a clean, successful one!!     Day 14 will be even better--so keep on  hangin' in there.  Reading is a good source of motivation.  Keep exposing yourself to ALL kinds of ideology until you find something you TRULY believe in...It will be a never-ending source of strength for  you in the days and months to come.    Keep posting and welcome!!  peazy

[rodewc]

rough day here w/ WANTING ******* DRUGS.. here's what kept me off

"We are not who we are when we use drugs. We are someone else -- or perhaps just nothing at all -- and the substances we shoot are just an attempt to fill that emptiness."

tyvm

rwc~

[peaz]

Way to hang in there, Missy!!!!  I totally agree w/ Kurt's assessment.....You picked the heart of the matter to be your cornerstone.  Words of wisdom, to be sure......
   YOU have a good holiday, too!!  Peazy

[rodewc]

and ty vvm
rwc~

[Kurt Cobain]

Thank *you*. . .first, for having the strength and respect for yourself to fight your urges.  Second. . .for letting me know that something I said helped you, in any way at all.  There are so many good people who have helped me hang on. . .it might sound strange to the "normal" world, but I think addicts (in general) are some of the most beautiful, and loving, souls in the world today.  Maybe it is our pain that has made us more sensitive to that of our brothers and sisters who suffer alongside us, or maybe we were just created that way.  Either way, what goes around, comes around. . .and if you keep in the company of people who "know" long enough, you will find that you have much to share, more than you could have imagined when the disease had its foot on your throat.  You have so much to give to other addicts just from one day -- or hour, or minute -- of "sweating it out" the way you described just now.  Keep the faith.

Peace,

Kurt

[ready4help]

I am an RN addicted to pain medication and have been for years.  I'm taking 28-24 lortab a day.  I literally feel like I'm at the lowest point of my life.  I'm so depressed.  I don't do laundry, don't answer the phone, don't go to the store.  It's bad.  

Recently I realized I had to do something before I literally lost my life.  I want my life back.  I want to enjoy things again.  I want to feel emotion again.  

Today, I wrote a letter asking for participation in the KARE program. My nursing administrator knows and is totally supportive and helping me all she can.  I've just recieved a list of approved treatment evaluators, so that will be my next step.

I'm just really scared.  There hasn't been a day in  my life without pills in years.  I'm scared I'm going to fail.  I just want to be happy again, and what if treatment doesn't work.  I want sobriety more than anything.  I want to have control of my life.  I've never been so excited and scared at the same time.

[worried878]

I am an RN as well...this is a very old post..post a new question so people can see you needs...lots of support here