So lost and confused

[tired_of_oxy]

I'm so fed up with myself and life and everything that I do failing. As most of you know, I've struggled with a bad oxycontin addiction for a few years now. I've tried cold turkey - I've made it throught the physical crap but the mental part gets me everytime. I've been on and off sub for the last 6 months. I'm on sub right now but can't seem to find the right dose. Sub takes care of *most* of the physical but mentally I crave like crazy. I cannot afford to go up, and honestly I doubt it would help. I'm a real mess here. I ended up getting very frustrated and wound up relapsing and took oxy all last week. Now I'm back on sub again. I feel hopeless and starting to think I might be one of those people beyond help.

I am so screwed up I don't even know what I want anymore. One day I want to quit everything and be done with it all and get clean and the next I'm thinking this stuff ain't working, maybe I'll try methadone. Then I think hell no!! I don't want that.. the addiction screws with my mind to the point where I don't even know what the real me wants anymore. Every thought I think I have to figure out if it's "me" or the addiction talking. It's getting to be where I don't know which is which anymore. It's like the addiction has consumed me and I spend every hour of every day thinking about something to do with my addiction and the contradictions in my thinking are outrageous. I just want "me" back. But am I too far gone? Is there a shred of hope for me at all?

I swear if I didn't have two little kids who mean everything to me to think of I'd probably end it. It's that bad. I'm sick of my mind and soul being completely consumed over this. I want to go back to school, get a career going again and there's no way I can do that when my every thought is something to do with pills or addiction related. It's taken my mind hostage and I feel like its swallowed me whole and I can't find a way out of the obsessed, crazy conflicting thinking I have. I was going to meetings but havent been to one in almost two weeks. Definitely not while I was having my relapse last week. I lost my mum to this addiction and deep down I'm scared that I'm genetically programmed to self destruct. That I don't have it in me to live life sober. Sober is a scary uncomfortable feeling for me. I;ve been high more then half my life, starting with pot which I smoked chronically from age 14-32 then got into the pills after I had my kids. I have no idea what to do anymore. If I could I'd check into a rehab indefinitely and stay as long as I had to in order to get myself straight. In a perfect world thats exactly what I'd do but I can't. I have two kids that I cannot be away from and **** all for support from anyone in my pathetic life.

I would really love some feedback from you guys. I know you'll give it to me straight so I'm all ears. I have so much respect for the people here. I have no idea how you guys do it. How did you overcome this addiction? How did you go from being like me, badly addicted and feel so hopeless to reclaiming your lives and not only get clean but be HAPPY being sober?. How do I get clean and actually be able to be comfortable in my own skin??  Are there some people who just cannot recover or be able to stay off pills without the help of some sort of substitute like sub or methadone? Am I one of them? I'm starting to think I am.

I lived a rough life, abused as a child, saw more by the time I was 10 then most see in a lifetime. It left me deeply scarred and when I discovered pot at 14 I thought I found my salvation. If only I would have just stuck with pot - or just never tried it to begin with. Then I wouldn't have gotten accustomed to numbing my depression and anxiety to the point where being high was a normal state for me. Now I've gotten in so deep I can't see a future without drugs or *something* to be able to function. The idea of being able to live life with *nothing* seems further out of reach every day. I have never felt so hopeless as I do now. Please help!

[tired_of_oxy]

That's a good idea Sarah and I think I'll try it. I'm doing ok but still trying to find a therapist. It's proven to be quite harder then I thought. But something will pan out I'm sure. I went two days with no oxy and no sub but yesterday took 4 mgs of sub. My idea is to once again taper off the sub. I think my mindset is what could help me through this time. I had quite the rude awakening on Friday - something that made my desire to get clean finally exceed my desire to get high.

Long story short is that if I had caved Friday (and I was close to it) and went and scored I would have been over an hour away when the call came to come and pick up my little girl from school who was sick and crying for me. Something inside me clicked and although the urge to get pills has been strong at times all I have to do is think about Friday and how if I had caved I would have had my little girl sitting there sick for a long time waiting for me and no doubt bawling her eyes out and wondering why mommy was so long getting her (instead of the 5 minutes it took me because I came home and did not score) and that thought - and the idea of just how horribly guilty I would have felt and the fact my baby would have suffered because of my addiction - has been more then enough ammo to fight the cravings. No matter how much I loved my oxy - that no way is close to the kind of real love I have for my kids.

So yes, something clicked inside me that day and I'm going to continue tapering off sub and want to be at "0" by next week at this time. My sub taper didn't go well last time. I got a few days in and went to sub but this time I think I'll be able to do it. My mindset is different. I'm not feeling scared anymore - I'm very angry at the addiction for what almost happened Friday and angry at the so many other things that the addiction has done to me.

So stay tuned...this gal is finally going to break free. =) It can be done and by God I want to do it SO BAD!!!!

[dominosarah]

I made a list of all the things i was grateful for early on.  I kept it where i could see it everyday.  Even now i add to it.  I also wrote a goodbye letter to my DOC....it was quite a sense of freedom.  You may want to try that.

[tired_of_oxy]

Desolate angel I missed your post. We are gonna  get through this. I'm on day 2 of no oxy and no sub. Hadn't planned to detox and have tons of sub if I want it. But I don't. I have no big plans, just take it as it comes. But contacting a therapist is a priority now.

I will try and stay in this positive frame of mind. This really is a disease of bad thinking. I need to change that somehow and not let myself fall into those black holes. That's the problem with me my thoughts contradict each other so much it's ridiculous. For those of you who remember just starting out, how did you keep your thoughts positive?  I keep trying to keep thinking of positive stuff. To keep the right frame of mind...

It's all in the head. If I can keep my lid on right I'll be ok. Wds not too bad, but subs gotta long life so we'll see. I'm really gonna try!!! I want this so bad. Every time I think of using I think of my kids...and how my addiction has robbed them of thier mom for too long. I get MAD at the addict in me and it helps get rid of the "go get a pill" thoughts.

Thank you for standing by me. Your posts probably saved my life.

[dominosarah]

Please let us know how you are doing.  Your last post was full of hope, strength and determination.....take it and run now~~~You can do this!!         sara

[tired_of_oxy]

Thank you so much for all of your replies. I read each one over and over and was really moved by the way you all not only understand what I'm going through but that you all have either been through this or are going through it now.

Vicky: Your right, I need to decide and really commit to getting off opiates. The back and forth thing is not good at all and when it comes down to it I really want to be free of opiates in the worst way. My addiction will not win. Yesterday I went to the sub doc and he increased me to 12 mgs a day and gave me Lyrica for the pain. I have been in a lot of pain lately and it makes those cravings much worse. I didn't even take my sub yesterday. It doesn't seem to work so I think your right, getting a therapist and tapering off sub might be my best bet here. Meetings are good but your right, it's not enough.

Sarah when you said "dealing with your issues doesnt hurt like this does" something clicked. Your right, nothing in my past can compare to the agony I feel now.
I really do have to fight hard to overcome this and I will.

Magno: Everyone here will help you and me get through this. Keep faith and hope alive and you will win and so will I. We don't have to live like this.

Gnarly - you've been through it all with me and I am thankful to have your guidance. You've been down the same path and I know you know what this is like. I pray I have half your strenghth to overcome. I will keep trying, I won't give up!!

wannabefre: You and I have a lot more then just addiction hurting us. I'm glad you've taken steps to get out of that toxic environment. I think it will help you move forward and we'll both be able to deal with the demons and live clean and happy.

Jim - I know from reading your posts you suffer from excruciating back pain too. It's an added challenge a lot of us face with this addiction. But no pain can compare to losing it all to addiction and I'm determined to find a way to control my pain (dr gave me Lyrica yesterday and I'm going to try it out) so that the cravings aren't so unmanageable with pain pushing me to do oxy. I know in full blown addiction I have MORE pain on those damn pills then I do now. We'll find a way through this but I think everyones right, getting to the root of why we numb ourselves is key to staying clean.

THANK YOU so much for your support. It means so much to me to have this place for inspiration and support to try and get/stay clean. The first thing I'm going to do is get with a therapist and take it from there. I can't go on like I have been anymore.

[ConstructionJim]

I don't know exactly how you feel hon, because I'm not a single mother of two probably wonderful children.  I cried when I read your post.  We all want so much to help you and the wonderful people who inhabit this little corner of cyberspace are ready to do just that.  You know this or you would not have cried out for help in your post.  As far as the trauma in your life that has brought you to where you are right now, it is behind you and cannot hurt you again as long as you don't let it.  I know what I am talking about concerning this because I was abandoned by an alcoholic father at the age of 10 and was in and out of foster care and state run homes where the older children "made sport" of us younger ones.  Things that I never want to think of or even hear of someone else having to go through are forever imprinted in the back of my mind.  But, it can't hurt me any more.  Neither can the things that happened to you hurt you anymore.  I feel certain, because of your life's journey, you are very protective of your children.  I firmly believe that needs to be your focus, your anchor, your everything.  Because if you don't dig down and find the inner strength to overcome this demon, it will be the end of you.  Then what would become of your beautiful children?  Others on this site, much wiser than I, can give you all kinds of wonderful, relevant and effective advise.  I don't know whether or not you believe in a higher power.  I would submit for your consideration, if you have tried and tried to quit on your own only to fall back, then maybe you need to talk to someone about some spiritual guidance to go along with the physical guidance that you indicated had worked for you in the past.  There are some things that we as humans must have help with.  It is my belief that spiritual and the physical go hand in hand.  One cannot continue without the other.  It appears to me that your battle is not in the physical realm.  I will pray that the Creator will send someone to you.  To help you.  To encourage you.  And to guide you in the path that He would have you walk.  For as long as breath remains in the flesh, there is hope.  Best Wishes from the heart.   Jim

[desolateangel]

i feel your pain. i too feel like a lost soul, addicted to one thing or another for as long as i can remember. never give up hope. well, i try not too. but i can't help hoping that each time i step into the road, it will be the last time. each time i go to sleep, it will be the last time. it seems to be how i am wired. still, there are good days along with the bad days. the sun still shines and the sky is still blue.

[wannabfre2b]

Hi there, i could feel your pain and anxiety in your post.  You have helped me so much with your words, i'll try and see if i can help. It is so hard to quit these damn pain pills, im so tired of running out, doctor shopping, lifting them from friends...oh God, the list is never ending.  Most of the time, thats all i think about too, that crazy addictive mind, oh come on just get a few somewhere, and youll be fine,,,s***** that, i have been praying alot for something to happen, as you know, i am NOT in a supportive environment...things have to change,,,,and im doing it...I went to addiction counselor, got ok'd to get to treatment, now, they tell me,,,it will be a couple weeks, in a couple weeks i might not want to be around they way i feel.So ,,,i drink a beer, find a pill, smoke some weed....trying to numb all the time.  Honey, sounds like you have had more that enough, have you been to an addiction counselor, (some of them are really high and mighty) see if you can get help through the state, since your a single mother.....i really feel for you oxy, and im right there with you,,,,,try and keep your mind busy, cleaning, painting, anything, an d i have found, you have to FORCE yourself to do it, your in my prayers and thoughts my friend, we can do this...I hope to be checking into treatment next week, but, like they say, thats only kindergarden, the real school is out there, you keep on truckin girl....we can do this.

[vicki595]

If only I had the answers...

There are a couple of things I know to be true:

It's bad to go back and forth between the Sub and the oxy. If the Sub isn't working,which it never did,stop it and taper off.
Right now,I don't think meetings are going to do it for you. You need to get with a therapist or someone in a one to one situation. Then meetings as an adjunct. But,you need to get some clean time behind you. It really can be done.
The thing is,you're still in love with those pills. You need to not be. You have to really want to be free. Badly!  You're forcing yourself to do something your brain doesn't want. You need to talk about this and change up your thinking. This thinking is what makes addiction a progressive disease resulting in death. It's about the thinking.  You need to decide: Do you want to be sick or be well? You can only choose one.

Do you have a doctor? That would be my first step in the process. None of us can do this alone. We need help. We need to change up all of our routines. Believe me,we work at this every single day. I know I do. And it's gotten easier;much easier. For me,it's another life,another person. I took pills for 30 years,give or take. The same pills,nothing else,I was loyal to just one forever!  I NEVER thought I'd give them up. But,I'll tell you now,I am totally done and an entirely different person. So,it can happen.  If you're keeping this a secret,stop. The forum is wonderful but I think you need more support in person. See what you can do and stay in touch here!

[dominosarah]

bump

[magnoliaooo]

I read your post this morning and I can feel the pain in your words. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I have struggled being on opiates for so many years and the feelings of despair were so strong. I have had thoughts very similar to yours and kept them inside. I have children also (one child) and nothing or no one could keep me sober. I have 75 days now and I realized I was covering up such pain all these years. This is not an easy thing to face, some mornings still wake up with such feelings of despair.Some mornings I wake up and feel hopless also. See my family moved on without me because I was using so heavy I did not see it, I did not see the changes in my life. Today I have to face them sober it is not at all easy but I can't live anymore the way I was living. I so lost myself in my addiction, I am just now finding my way again. To be perfectly honest this truly is the hardest thing I have ever done. I used to read posts here 12 days feel great and get disscouraged because I still struggle with feeling great. What I know today is it is possible, life without opiates is possible. See I never thought I could do anything without pills. It is a slow process but starting to smile again, I will find myself enjoying something and think oh my god I am happy without pills. If you really want it you can do it, for me I found this website so helpful wonderful people here, reach put to them, there is a life waiting for us without pills we just have to reach for it!!!   There is a new life for you

                                                      Mag

[gnarly_1]

Hey Girl good to see you post but your post puts sorrow in my heart...I can feel your words
and the agony in them....first of all your not to far gone...I like you did the pot thing from 14 thew 26 abstained for 4 yrs then was introduced to pain pills from a chronic back ingery
I sated on the pills abusing them for 10yrs then pain management put me on methadone for another 6 1/2yrs so if I can kick a 16 1/2 yr habit no one is hopeless although I felt a lot like you many times....you said you where going to meetings and the stoped....meetings to an addict are like insiline to a diabetic it just something you have to do as addicts we need to change the very way we think to over come this go back to N/A find a sponsor work the 12 steps you will be amassed at the results N/A and A/A got me 5yr9mo off alcohol weed and everything else recreational I just wish I would have done the methadone then also but I was still living in denile after all I had a bad back and I was using it for pain...I finely said enough is enough and tapered off of it that was 16 mo ago today I consider it one of my greatest accomplishments im not braging here im just trying to give you some hope you got to want it bad you got to be willing to do whatever its going to take to get you there but once your living in recovery your days of thinking of pills all day will be a distant memory....I have faith in you.....I watched you almost make it last time you got the fight in you
you dont have to live this way there is light at the end of the tunnel and life can be a beautiful place drug free......just dont loose hope.....Gnarly        

[dominosarah]

Hi tired~~

I read your thread and i can feel the pain in your words.  There is hope and you are not a lost soul.  Using is just a symptom of what is really going on with you.  You have buried so many demons and they are haunting you right now.  Have you thought about seeing a therapist or checking into an out patient treatment program?  So many of us have been in your shoes and it is miserable, i know how lost and scared you are but i am telling you this doesnt have to continue.  You gotta really want to get better and do whatever it takes to get out from under this.  None of us like to feel pain but dealing with your issues doesnt hurt as bad as this does.  You are a good person and you deserve to have some happiness and inner peace.         sara

[trdofbeingtrd]

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