Aa
So scared and confused
Ok. Here goes.
I have been taking 10/325s for about 3 years now and there is always gaps in between when I don't have any. I've never had any "withdrawals" from it EVER. Just about 3 months ago I started experiencing extreme fear, depression and anxiety. Even when I take some it's still there but tolerable. So the hydrocodone helps. Let me explain how I feel...
I don't want to be my own person, make my own decisions, basically.. Have a life. I feel foreign to myself. I know it is absolutely crazy sounding.
I feel trapped and absolutely terrified to do anything on my own. I'm 26 and have never in my life experienced this. I was in the military and deployed for Christ's sake.
Does anyone think this has anything to do with the hydrocodone or could it be something completely different like psychiatric. I am so scared and don't know what's wrong with me.
I have been taking 10/325s for about 3 years now and there is always gaps in between when I don't have any. I've never had any "withdrawals" from it EVER. Just about 3 months ago I started experiencing extreme fear, depression and anxiety. Even when I take some it's still there but tolerable. So the hydrocodone helps. Let me explain how I feel...
I don't want to be my own person, make my own decisions, basically.. Have a life. I feel foreign to myself. I know it is absolutely crazy sounding.
I feel trapped and absolutely terrified to do anything on my own. I'm 26 and have never in my life experienced this. I was in the military and deployed for Christ's sake.
Does anyone think this has anything to do with the hydrocodone or could it be something completely different like psychiatric. I am so scared and don't know what's wrong with me.
First off, thank you for your service to our country. I'm kind of an old gal....and can still remember talking to Vietnam Vets who were treated most times very horribly when they got back. Did I agree with that war? No. But did I think the soldiers who went deserved to be treated badly? He** No!
My father was career military, my father-in-law was career military, my husband served. It really does sound like some PTSD and who could wonder why? You go to a strange hostile country, you put your life in danger every day, you missed your homeland, your family, your friends and your regular life.
That type of thing is bound to have an effect on you. It also isn't extraordinary that you got onto the drugs when you served. In Vietnam there was lots of weed, I was told even LSD was made available. Many servicemen and servicewomen (or troops as they are now called) did the drugs just to survive the horror their minds had to see.
Bailee, you are an incredibly strong and courageous woman. You just need a little help to find that woman again. Use your benefits and see a counselor. Take your life back.....find yourself again.
I think with a little help that you will be looking at a full and happy life. Just look at it as a road with a bump in it. We all have those bumps. Get past the bump and you will find yourself again.
If you go to church I would also recommend sessions with your pastor to help find your spiritual core again. If you don't that's okay....I'm not a "thumper" just suggesting ideas.
Good luck and feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat more.
My father was career military, my father-in-law was career military, my husband served. It really does sound like some PTSD and who could wonder why? You go to a strange hostile country, you put your life in danger every day, you missed your homeland, your family, your friends and your regular life.
That type of thing is bound to have an effect on you. It also isn't extraordinary that you got onto the drugs when you served. In Vietnam there was lots of weed, I was told even LSD was made available. Many servicemen and servicewomen (or troops as they are now called) did the drugs just to survive the horror their minds had to see.
Bailee, you are an incredibly strong and courageous woman. You just need a little help to find that woman again. Use your benefits and see a counselor. Take your life back.....find yourself again.
I think with a little help that you will be looking at a full and happy life. Just look at it as a road with a bump in it. We all have those bumps. Get past the bump and you will find yourself again.
If you go to church I would also recommend sessions with your pastor to help find your spiritual core again. If you don't that's okay....I'm not a "thumper" just suggesting ideas.
Good luck and feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat more.
I too became highly addicted after my deployments. I can honestly say that the war is directly related to my addiction and I understand but I promise you there is hope.
I think that I expected to die in Iraq. I wasn’t properly trained for the adventure. I didn’t get as much out of the training that we went through and I was challenged every day by my crew. I was afraid I wasn’t the leader everyone thought I was. Hell, I didn’t even want to be a leader. I was so anxious and scared to go on my first mission that I passed out on the way to the truck. On our “right seat ride” we were taken up ASR Sword. The guys from the departing unit were pointing at the craters and laughing about how the craters were all IEDs or VBIEDs. I thought they were stupid.
If you asked my team they would likely tell you I did a good job. In reality I didn’t. I stopped caring after a while and doubted myself a lot. I stopped checking to see if the driver was doing his PMCS, or if my gunner had a clean 50 cal. I was ready to die. I had the feeling when I went over I was either going to die or come back a hero.
Leaving out of Anaconda one day our Company lost a soldier. I rode up on the tragedy a few minutes after it happened. We sat in our trucks waiting for it to be cleaned up as we usually did. I didn’t realize who it was.
My squad leader was not a spectacular leader. He had trouble taking and keeping control of us during training. He drank coffee all day long and smoked like a chimney. He was quick with a joke, however, and very good at making you laugh. I had to do his job a lot.
Shortly after our medic got out, going to check on the guys, I was informed that it was our guys out there. First squad had pushed out ten minutes before us and we had caught up with them. When I found out it was our guys I jumped out of the vehicle to see if I could help in anyway. I can’t say that I was not interested in what happened but I did like staying in the protection of my vehicle when I could.
As I approached the site of the SVBIED I passed by a Kevlar filled with blood, I would later find out it belonged to SGT Eric Lee Toth. He was a specialist at the time but was promoted to sergeant posthumously after his death. I can’t remember much of what happened after that and until I started the regression I couldn’t visualize anything about it. I can visualize myself standing over the body of a burnt, mutilated, Iraqi. Myself and the medic picked him up and put him in a body bag, then carried him over and put him in the back of one of the trucks, placing him in the back.
I was told I was just standing around in a daze until the 1st squad leader told me to help. I believe that I did contribute to the efforts that day. Not as a leader but more like a coroner. People seem to remember the Blackhawk coming in as well. I remember it being there but I cannot visualize it. I have built the image of it in my head but it is a giant helicopter that takes up both sides of the road. It is not real. Nobody talks about the incident now. I am glad of that.
We ended up going to Taji and staying there for a little while, we prayed, it was nice. We then went down to BIAP where we spent the night. I don’t remember the time we spent there, I just remember going to the PX and someone coming up to me and telling me Toth had died.
The next day I was told to take the other two trucks, that weren’t destroyed, back to Scania. The 1st squad leader approached me and told me to take care of his guys. It was about a two hour trip back and both of the other trucks, not mine, were hit by IEDs. The first truck was hit with a small one and we I got out to check the damage 1000 meters down the road like I was trained to do. The next one hit the truck behind me, also 1st squads, and it was loud. I started calling them on the radio but got no response. I checked in my mirror as we rolled on and saw them come out of the cloud of smoke. The IED was large and powerful. It scared me to death.
All this happened within 24 hours. I still have nightmares about it and I am still jumpy during thunderstorms. I believe I will recover from it eventually.
Our unit was transferred to the Abu Ghraib prison shortly after that. We were mortared almost every day. I was woken up several times by dirt hitting the wall where I lay my head. A rocket came in one day while I was at work, I watched over 1000 detainees at level 1 compound. The rocket landed about 150 feet from where I was standing. We were doing a shakedown at the time and all the detainees were locked in a holding area. The detainees were between me and the impact. Four of them were injured as they were brought out of the holding area, one died later.
I can’t count the times Abu Ghraib was rocketed. I also can’t count the number of times we were rocketed on my last deployment at Bagram Air Force Base in Afghanistan. I was there during the suicide bomber attack in 2010. It woke me up and my boss called me to come into work as I was the operations NCO. Disney was a rather short road that ran through the middle of the air force base. It was very long that day as I drove down it to work.
This is the short version of my story, believe it or not. I don’t claim that Iraq was the first time I was introduced to PTSD. I likely had it when I was younger, but I defeated it. The depression that came after Iraq lasted for the last five years. I can’t say that I wasn’t bipolar before I went to Iraq. Iraq just made it advance to a new state. I didn’t know I had PTSD until I checked into the treatment hospital. I also didn’t know I was bipolar until I checked in there. I just thought everyone in the world hated life and sabotaged every great thing they had ever been given. Thank you for listening.
I think that I expected to die in Iraq. I wasn’t properly trained for the adventure. I didn’t get as much out of the training that we went through and I was challenged every day by my crew. I was afraid I wasn’t the leader everyone thought I was. Hell, I didn’t even want to be a leader. I was so anxious and scared to go on my first mission that I passed out on the way to the truck. On our “right seat ride” we were taken up ASR Sword. The guys from the departing unit were pointing at the craters and laughing about how the craters were all IEDs or VBIEDs. I thought they were stupid.
If you asked my team they would likely tell you I did a good job. In reality I didn’t. I stopped caring after a while and doubted myself a lot. I stopped checking to see if the driver was doing his PMCS, or if my gunner had a clean 50 cal. I was ready to die. I had the feeling when I went over I was either going to die or come back a hero.
Leaving out of Anaconda one day our Company lost a soldier. I rode up on the tragedy a few minutes after it happened. We sat in our trucks waiting for it to be cleaned up as we usually did. I didn’t realize who it was.
My squad leader was not a spectacular leader. He had trouble taking and keeping control of us during training. He drank coffee all day long and smoked like a chimney. He was quick with a joke, however, and very good at making you laugh. I had to do his job a lot.
Shortly after our medic got out, going to check on the guys, I was informed that it was our guys out there. First squad had pushed out ten minutes before us and we had caught up with them. When I found out it was our guys I jumped out of the vehicle to see if I could help in anyway. I can’t say that I was not interested in what happened but I did like staying in the protection of my vehicle when I could.
As I approached the site of the SVBIED I passed by a Kevlar filled with blood, I would later find out it belonged to SGT Eric Lee Toth. He was a specialist at the time but was promoted to sergeant posthumously after his death. I can’t remember much of what happened after that and until I started the regression I couldn’t visualize anything about it. I can visualize myself standing over the body of a burnt, mutilated, Iraqi. Myself and the medic picked him up and put him in a body bag, then carried him over and put him in the back of one of the trucks, placing him in the back.
I was told I was just standing around in a daze until the 1st squad leader told me to help. I believe that I did contribute to the efforts that day. Not as a leader but more like a coroner. People seem to remember the Blackhawk coming in as well. I remember it being there but I cannot visualize it. I have built the image of it in my head but it is a giant helicopter that takes up both sides of the road. It is not real. Nobody talks about the incident now. I am glad of that.
We ended up going to Taji and staying there for a little while, we prayed, it was nice. We then went down to BIAP where we spent the night. I don’t remember the time we spent there, I just remember going to the PX and someone coming up to me and telling me Toth had died.
The next day I was told to take the other two trucks, that weren’t destroyed, back to Scania. The 1st squad leader approached me and told me to take care of his guys. It was about a two hour trip back and both of the other trucks, not mine, were hit by IEDs. The first truck was hit with a small one and we I got out to check the damage 1000 meters down the road like I was trained to do. The next one hit the truck behind me, also 1st squads, and it was loud. I started calling them on the radio but got no response. I checked in my mirror as we rolled on and saw them come out of the cloud of smoke. The IED was large and powerful. It scared me to death.
All this happened within 24 hours. I still have nightmares about it and I am still jumpy during thunderstorms. I believe I will recover from it eventually.
Our unit was transferred to the Abu Ghraib prison shortly after that. We were mortared almost every day. I was woken up several times by dirt hitting the wall where I lay my head. A rocket came in one day while I was at work, I watched over 1000 detainees at level 1 compound. The rocket landed about 150 feet from where I was standing. We were doing a shakedown at the time and all the detainees were locked in a holding area. The detainees were between me and the impact. Four of them were injured as they were brought out of the holding area, one died later.
I can’t count the times Abu Ghraib was rocketed. I also can’t count the number of times we were rocketed on my last deployment at Bagram Air Force Base in Afghanistan. I was there during the suicide bomber attack in 2010. It woke me up and my boss called me to come into work as I was the operations NCO. Disney was a rather short road that ran through the middle of the air force base. It was very long that day as I drove down it to work.
This is the short version of my story, believe it or not. I don’t claim that Iraq was the first time I was introduced to PTSD. I likely had it when I was younger, but I defeated it. The depression that came after Iraq lasted for the last five years. I can’t say that I wasn’t bipolar before I went to Iraq. Iraq just made it advance to a new state. I didn’t know I had PTSD until I checked into the treatment hospital. I also didn’t know I was bipolar until I checked in there. I just thought everyone in the world hated life and sabotaged every great thing they had ever been given. Thank you for listening.
I would like to reiterate on my comment that if you are strong enough to serve our country that you can do this. Think about it this way....if you can leave your friends, and most importantly, your family, for months on end, to serve for our fellow family, men and friends, aren't you strong enough to serve that time for yourself? You should be! Because you are important...you do matter! This is something you have to do...and I know you can. You've already proved it. :):):)
I too, would like to thank you for your service! Ppl like YOU have given us something that is so very important to everyone here....our freedom!! Sonrissa has made some very valid points and asked some pertinent questions that will help us to help you. Whatever the case may be, I know that you can get thru this. If you are strong enough to serve our country, you are most definitely strong enough to get thru this. I have the utmost respect for you and I truly appreciate everything you have done for us ! God Bless You My Friend!!
Hi Bailee, welcome to the forum. First and foremost, thank you so much for your service to us and our country! A couple of questions if possible. This will help us give you the best advice. Are you prescribed the Hydrocodone by a doctor? Do you have physical pain? Hydrocodone is not a treatment for fear, depression, or anxiety. None of us here can tell you exactly what your specific issue is, but I can tell you that the Hydrocodone may be making your situation worse. How much are you taking per day? Please talk to your doctor about how you are feeling. Be completely honest with them about what you are taking, how much and for how long. Perhaps this is some sort of PTSD? This is a wonderful place for advice and support. Keep posting with any questions. I truly wish you the best. See your doctor as soon as you can. Take care,
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