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Someone must be able to tell me something
by newtothisand lost, Oct 30, 2008 09:26AM
i have posted here the end of last year and beginnning of 2008 b/c i was living w/my b/f who was addicted to pain pills, he started doing so much other stuff that i had to move away from him in november 2007. well, i had my own issues with pain pills and i have since quit and i do NOT take them now for anything!
me and my b/f got back together after 7 months - during the time we were apart he had gone cold turkey and supposedly was clean - however when his parents wanted him to go to rehab he stated that he did not need it and would do it on his own. needless to say he did not stay clean long at all. i had noticed in the last couple months alot of ATM's but he would always explain it away.........he is really good at lying. finally on monday, october 27, 2008 i just broke down and told him that i was not going to move back in with him (my lease on my apartment is up the end of november) b/c i know that he is taking pills again and that i was not going down that road with him again. he broke down and told me that yes he was taking them but that it wasn't as bad as before.........i didn't care what his reasoning was - it was not good enough.
well, he drove himself to rehab monday night and he has been there every since. he asked me to stay with him b/c he really wants to stop doing this but he doesn't know how and he knows he needs professional help. so, i have decided to stay in hopes that rehab will actually help him.
we (me and his parents) have since found out that he had taken out 3 different payday loans, paid for peoples' gas with his companies credit card and hell, honestly i don't know what else. his dad went to talk to his boss at his job and b/c they absolutely love him there (he is a great worker) they said that whenever he is ready to come back to work that he always has a job - which is absolutely amazing - even though they are the ones that found out someone else was using the company gas card. his parents have once again gone into their money and paid off those payday loans.
his dad told him last night when he called that they were no longer in a position to bail him out and that this was it. they are both really hurting and so am i.
i guess i just am feeling kinda stupid to think that i once again let him in my life and he did this again. of course i knew he needed rehab, i knew he would not be able to do it alone but no one would listen to me. i am very thankful that he has taken this step and i pray constantly that this will change him and that he will be healthy and sober.
i just don't know what to do about me....................it has only been 3 days since he left so i am still numb and still finding things that once again need to be fixed. i am not 100% convinced that he even went to rehab b/c he wanted it.......i am beginning to think that he knew his lies were unfolding and that he was headed there anyway so he might as well make it look good for him and go himself. maybe that sounds mean, but he is very manipulative.
i love him and i so miss the man he was before he was addicted...............i want to hold on this time. i left the first time b/c i had no choice and he was not ready to change at all.
i guess i just want to hear from someone who is where i am and where he is or at least someone who has gone throught it. is there hope that after all of this we can have a life?
everyone told me that he had not changed and that he was probably still taking pills but i just tried to believe in him and he fooled me yet again. i just don't knwo what to do or what to think or what to feel.
me and my b/f got back together after 7 months - during the time we were apart he had gone cold turkey and supposedly was clean - however when his parents wanted him to go to rehab he stated that he did not need it and would do it on his own. needless to say he did not stay clean long at all. i had noticed in the last couple months alot of ATM's but he would always explain it away.........he is really good at lying. finally on monday, october 27, 2008 i just broke down and told him that i was not going to move back in with him (my lease on my apartment is up the end of november) b/c i know that he is taking pills again and that i was not going down that road with him again. he broke down and told me that yes he was taking them but that it wasn't as bad as before.........i didn't care what his reasoning was - it was not good enough.
well, he drove himself to rehab monday night and he has been there every since. he asked me to stay with him b/c he really wants to stop doing this but he doesn't know how and he knows he needs professional help. so, i have decided to stay in hopes that rehab will actually help him.
we (me and his parents) have since found out that he had taken out 3 different payday loans, paid for peoples' gas with his companies credit card and hell, honestly i don't know what else. his dad went to talk to his boss at his job and b/c they absolutely love him there (he is a great worker) they said that whenever he is ready to come back to work that he always has a job - which is absolutely amazing - even though they are the ones that found out someone else was using the company gas card. his parents have once again gone into their money and paid off those payday loans.
his dad told him last night when he called that they were no longer in a position to bail him out and that this was it. they are both really hurting and so am i.
i guess i just am feeling kinda stupid to think that i once again let him in my life and he did this again. of course i knew he needed rehab, i knew he would not be able to do it alone but no one would listen to me. i am very thankful that he has taken this step and i pray constantly that this will change him and that he will be healthy and sober.
i just don't know what to do about me....................it has only been 3 days since he left so i am still numb and still finding things that once again need to be fixed. i am not 100% convinced that he even went to rehab b/c he wanted it.......i am beginning to think that he knew his lies were unfolding and that he was headed there anyway so he might as well make it look good for him and go himself. maybe that sounds mean, but he is very manipulative.
i love him and i so miss the man he was before he was addicted...............i want to hold on this time. i left the first time b/c i had no choice and he was not ready to change at all.
i guess i just want to hear from someone who is where i am and where he is or at least someone who has gone throught it. is there hope that after all of this we can have a life?
everyone told me that he had not changed and that he was probably still taking pills but i just tried to believe in him and he fooled me yet again. i just don't knwo what to do or what to think or what to feel.
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All you can do is support him on his recovery. I mean this when I say this, the past is the past. When he comes out of rehab, don't bring up all he did when he was high. He knows what he did. He has to live with it. I know you do to, but he needs to feel that you support him. ANd will be there for him. Now, on the same token don't let him think you will condone him using again, but badgering him on what he has done won't help either of you. He is trying to get the help he needs. So just educate yourself as much as you can on addiction and you will get through this. Keep us posted..
Lisa
it hasn't been easy for any of us and as you can see from my past post i too have a cross to bare with my dependency issues.
he and i always partied hard together until he started slamming meth and then he wouldn't come around me and i couldn't talk to him with out wanting to beat his ***
Thankfully my sister was able to reach him and he has been productive for the last 20 yrs and helped many many people with their addiction issues.
your boyfriend has to quit bullshitting himself and everyone that loves him until he does that i cant see much progress for him.
i know my sister inlaw found help in an alanon group and that woman needs a medal for what she went through especially in this day and age of no one having any sticktoo-idness and quick to bail out of relationships.
if you truly love him you love him if your with him just because its comfortable and what your used to get on with your life..
Ive been divorced and didn't like the sequel or the trilogy (sp) so been there done that and of all the counseling i went through the one thing that i didn't want to hear but it was where the rubber met the road is if you live in anger and distrust its over and that was the bottom line for me.
it was brutal and my sister tells me i should write a book about it but i told her it didn't have a happy ending or i would of lol
he told me on his drive there that he wanted to do this for him and for me and so that we could have a life that was happy. i want so much to believe in him. next week tuesday i will start going to weekly support meetings for family memebers. we can't see him until a week from thsi sunday and then the place he has offers a 3 day family retreat where we all get a chance to work on things as a family.
honestly, there is a part of me that says to just pack up and go AGAIN.........but when we were apart the 1st time it was miserable for both of us and we never stopped loving each other and i know deep in my heart that we can make it through this - hell, we have been through so much together, just to be together that this is just a bump in the road but i still feel like running.
i guess true love is the love that sees you through all the bad things and keeps you moving forward.........and i don't think that rehab is a vacation for him.........so i will try to focus on this as being the beginning but i won't lie - it won't be easy.
This is a choice only you can make. As I said, knowledge is power, so learn as much as you can on the subject. It can only help you...
Im here if you need to talk.
Lisa
he was clean (he says) for a couple months and in feb 2008 he broke his ankle and had to have surgery and that is when it started again..........him and i did not get back togehter until june 1, 2008 and i don't think i could be any happier. i never stopped loving him and i am convinced that i never will. in june 2008 (fathers day to be exact) his family had an intervention b/c they had heard that he was still using....he told them that he would not pass a drug test and that he had been using but nothing like the first time....they wanted him to go to rehab but he said that he could do it himself and that he didn't need it.....well, he convinced everyone that he was nto using.............maybe he didn't for a couple more months but since i have now checked his phone records - he went down hill even faster this time.
i was out the door this past monday AGAIN - and had he not checked himself into rehab i would NOT have stayed with him. i understand about the "bailing him out" thing and so do his parents now, or at least i hope they do. i do think that his "rock bottom" has not completely evolved yet. there is still a part of me that thinks he only went to rehab b/c he knew he was headed there anyway - i mean once everyone found out what was happening and it was only a matter of days before the sh!t was going to hit the fan.
right now i am just confused.............i don't know what i am going to do.
i want to stay and i want to go - and i want to cry and i want to choke him. he has never been to rehab before so i am really hoping that this will be an eye opener for him. i am sure that he will come into contact with situations and people that he never even imagined and maybe, just maybe he will see how others are destroying not only their lives but the people who love them so much.............
please pray for us and our family!!!!
Mr Dee, onlook and Lisa, I feel you all, and your advise is so good, as I said in another post it's so great to see everyone embrace and comfort someone who's words and heart are in real torment. I has moved me honestly.
New, All I can add is that it's that, it's up to you to reach down in your heart, down to the dark bottom and decide if you have done everything and I mean everything, you can, to help with your boyfreind who is lucky to have you and his family behind him.
Or do what looks to be a hard, hard choice and move on.
I would like to say that I wish ,or I should say we wish, we could help you make the toughest decision in your life this very moment, but only you can make this decsion.
The only thing I may be able to add is that you should go speak with someone who you can trust besides any of his, or your family, so one very neutral, like a counselor or theropist becuse I think all of us will agree that we cannot always make these descions on are own espeacaily if we were once users ourselves, are hearts and emotion answer instead of our heads, and a theropist or counselor can help you focus on WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU, remember the more you are torn apart mentaly and emotionaly we don't always think rashonally ( my spelling is horrible I know ).
Decsions, in this case need to be made with your head not your heart, you have learned this to many times to get hurt again, if that is going to happen.
Now go cry, eat a big fat ozzy goozy cheeseburger, go to arobics, kick the dummy in the kick boxing class, and get some help for your self, then once you have gotten the anger out of your system, and then get some help with your answers.
Big Mike
last night he called me and he sounded amazing (this is day 3 in rehab) - all the paperwork they sent to us stated that around day 3-4 the patient will be missing everyone and might call to say they want to come home blah, blah, blah - they listed like 10 things they might say to get you to get them out. BUT he didn't say any of them! he said that the "house resident" was leaving today and that the counselors have asked him to take over that position.....i was concerned on how that might effect his recovery and he told me that he thought it was good for him.......he said that everyone he has been talking to says how important it is to have a sponser and to go to meetings once he gets home.
i have my first counseling session on Nov 11, 2008 - to try and make sense of things for me.........b/c i am now just really angry.
last night i told him about me going to counseling and he was like oh okay.......well, did i tell you about the guy here in a wheelchair? he is a huge GA fan and i got it set up for us to watch the GA game on saturday and i am bringing him over to our house to see it.
OKAY now maybe i am being a b!tch but that p!ssed me off - i didn't say anythign to him though b/c i don't want to be mean while he is in rehab.......
but let me tell you why it upset me.......i am from GA - graduated from UGA and am a HUGE dawg fan.............this is the first football game of the season that we won't watch together and he didn't even mention anything about me......................he didn't say anythign like - he is a GA fan and i told him that my g/f is a huge fan.......NOTHING! now, i am sure that he misses me and i am sure that he loves me and i am TOTALLY SURE that someone will tell me that i am being selfish and i should be supportive of him.........but this is how i am feeling right now:
his addiction has always been his center of attention........he spent time and energy figuring out where to get the money to buy drugs, calling people hundreds of times trying to find drugs.....etc., now his center of attention is a guy in a wheel chair that he met all of 2 DAYS AGO and when he comes home all it will be about is him staying sober and honestly.............i am beginning to feel that i might want a man who can make me the center of his attention.........call me selfish, call me self centered, call me vain....................PLEASE CALL ME SOMETHING!!!!
why am i feelign this way about someone that i love????????????
is there anyone out there that can just put it to me straight???? i got my big girl panties on -------- i am ready to hear what you guys have to say..............
Be patient and develop some thick skin. If he's serious, there will probably be many, many, nights after he comes home that he will exclude you to continue his recovery, e.g, sponser, meetings and the like. You cannot make him feel guilty or he will become resentful, angry, and right around the corner are the drugs.
If you really care about him and his recovery so your life will be meaningful with him, then let him be selfish for a while. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but it's best that he loves himself more right now.
i will not spend another day wondering what i can do to make his life better....i have done all i can do for him NOW it is time to take care of me and do things i need to do to make my life better.
thank you so much rue10 - your post was the deciding factor..........it is so amazing how when someone just opens up and lets the truth flow through them how it can actually help someone that is willing to accept it with an open mind!
you guys rock!!!!!
Blessings!
when him and i got back together i really believed him when he said he wasn't using and that he would never give me another reason to have to leave him again. my whole life was turned upside down - i had to find an apartment, borrow money to cover expenses, live alone and depressed with all the things that had gone on prior to my leaving.....then all the stuff that happened while we were apart (another long story) - then to finally have another chance for us to work things out and then this happen again.............i feel stupid for not knowing he was not telling the truth.
now i am left wondering if he is even telling the truth this time......just b/c he is in rehab doesn't really mean anything to me right now.......b/c with the job thing, using company credit card to buy people gas for pills, the payday loans and everything else - he was headed to rehab whether he went by his own free will or whether he was taken there...he was going..................now at 3 days in he is going to be the "house resident" - seems to me that there would be someone there a bit more "qualified" then him....but what do i know - absolutely nothing..........
i try to look past the things that have happened b/c i know that alot of his decision making is based off the addiction, but it still doesn't change the fact that i am hurt, like really hurt, deep in my heart - in a part that i don't really think i have ever been hurt before b/c i don't let anyone close enough to hurt me - but i let him and i guess this is what i have left........
i know that in the next couple weeks we get to go to a 3 day family seminar and we get to work with the counselor(s) and on the last day 1/2 of that day is spent with him - maybe that will give me some insight - but honestly i just don't know.............
right now i am just sad and it makes it worse that he doesn't even seem to care enough about me to even ask me how i am...........i will be okay though,,,,,,,,i got through it once before and i am stronger than i ever imagined that i was.........
Would you feel better about rehab if he went on your terms?.....Like honey I think you need rehab....."yes dear you're right, I do need rehab. Sign me up now!" Would that make it sit more neatly with you?
You said earlier that you were going to work on you and let him work on him. Which in my opinion is exactly what you need to be doing. That's not saying you should not care about what's going on. And remember, he is coming off drugs. Do you expect him to remember to ask how you're doing when probably EVERYTHING he's experiencing is like one big avalanche to him?
Put on some armour girl.....and pray for peace and understanding during you bf's time of need. You have no way of knowing...he could be praying for peace for you as he goes through this. He could be praying that he won't lose the love of his life. You will feel victorious if you dig deep and hold on to a relationship you say is worth it. In time you will know if it is or you will know that it's not. Then you can make a major decision. Like you said, you're in recovery as well as your bf
now mind you..............all this that i am saying to you guys here is what i am saying to you guys here!! i have NOT been negative to him at any time we have talked since he left on monday. i am not that big of a b!tch.....
yes, i did say i was going to work on me....but just like anyone else on this board my emotions are back and forth too.....
let's not forget that last time around when i was with him - he initially gave me loritabs and that is how i got hooked (kinda like he was giving them to me so that i wouldn't know what he was up to)........now, i am not blaming him b/c i am a big girl and i chose to take them, but as most of you very well know........they are addictive and i was up to 10-12 loritab 10's a day but i quit c/t in february 2008 and i have not taken another one for even a headache since i quit......and i don't plan on it.............so, when he and i got back together he knew that i was not taking them.......yeah, i knew he had taken them when he had surgery but he said that once they were out, they were out and he was done with them.
now, i don't claim to be an addict - i think that plays different roles to each individaul..........did i NEED the pills - YES b/c if not i went into w/d's and therefore i still took them, but when i had had enough that was it for me. so, i guess there is still a part of me that doesn't get it........and i am just trying to gain as much insight as i can adn i really am trying to understand. b/c i don't get how we both took the same thing and he just couldn't stop and it led to other drugs before.....i am now seeing that he was doing more than loritabs this time around too........he was also snorting oxycotins - i have just since found this out today..........
is it even possible to get clean from these terrible pills when you have an addictive personality. yeah i stopped but i am so not normal - no really, as you can probably tell from my posts - i am probably the craziest female on the planet.......but it is okay with me :)
maybe next week i will have a better grasp on things........it will take time for me too. i just don't have support b/c i have no family here and his family naturally is all caught up on him and his addiction - recovery - what ever is going on right now..............
you guys are all i got
I know you must be terribly hurt for being deceived and rightly so, but fixating on that gets you no where--really. Go slow....take some time for yourself and keep posting.
Again, I did not mean to minimize your feelings or your efforts.
Rue
i am just lost...i miss him and i love him and now i am not even sure if he will be the same person when he gets home. i mean i know he won't be the same person not being on drugs and all.......but what i mean is the same kind of person.......hell, i might not even like him or he might not even like me :)
i know that this is a positive thing, i really do but it still doesn't make all the things that he has done just go away.
now, let me explain just a bit about why it bothered me that he has not even asked how i was.........
when he left monday he told me that he was only buying pills from 2 people and that he was not using as much as he was the first time.......which i would have believed had i NOT found out about the 1200.00 in payday loans that his dad had to pay b/c they were due and he had spent more than another 500.00-700.00 from his bank account.........then when i checked his cell phone records he had been calling up to 20 different people for pills - he had over 1,000 calls just in the last month!!!!
just last month we talked about getting engaged and he told me that alot of the money that was coming out of his checking account was going towards my ring and that was a LIE - and that one really, really hurts........b/c that was something special to me.........and if i can be honest pretty sh!tty of him to do to me.
i really hope he figures out what triggers him to do the things that he does and i really hope that things workd out for us to be together but i have to face the facts as they are pressented to me and right now i am really just up in the air.........
You have received a lot of GREAT advice and help. I can't really add much to it. I just want you to know that you are NOT alone. You can PM me anytime! I know this is difficult for you and your boyfriend. If you both stay clean - you can have an amazing relationship! I BELIEVE IN BOTH OF YOU! Now, believe in yourself and in him for now. You can make it through this - you've made it through worse!
Good luck and my prayers are with you!!!!