Soon I am starting day 2

[overeasy]

So I am just about to start day 2.  I am feeling very rough and getting out of bed was a feat but I promised myself this time I would do everything that was suggested and recommended on this site.  So after only4 hours of sleep I got up, rode our programmable bike for 10 minutes, took a long soak in the tub with epson salt, rested, got snuggly with spouse before he left for work.  The kids were staying at their favorite cousins (she is 23 and a real treasure- I love her to death).  Got into the car made, I mean made, myself go grocery shopping at Walmart- got a ton of fruit, easy fixings for the kids, Ensure, Valerian root, Whey protein for shakes, and special treats for the kids who don't deserve watching their parent go through this.  Then headed to nieces to pick up kids.  I helped her move some furniture around before leaving.  Stopped to get gas and headed home to unpack the groceries.  I feel sick and am wiped out but at least when I am moving I don't concentrate on the creeepy crawlies and how sick I feel.  So,  I am taking this break to write all of you and let you know that it has been hard, most of us have been through this multiple times so you all know- but your friendship and guidance has got me this far.  If I can throw up, have stomach problems and feel my legs are rubber but still make myself go out and do things- it really is a testament to your guidance.  Knowing others have been there and they did these things to get better faster helps tremendously.

A big thank you to the forum.
Time to go- I need to change my shirt AGAIN (don't you hate that flop sweat :))

[Raylee505]

LOL I so know how you feel with the stigma of AA/NA! I actually called the hotline and asked if there were closed meetings for professionals! Of course they very politely told me no it was anonymous program.

I was terrified I would see some of my employees in a meeting as I do hire from programs.  My therapist was having none of it. She told me that she couldn't help me until I got my addiction under control.  I looked up a meeting in a area I didn't think I would see anyone I knew and because it was huge. I did not see anyone from work til I had gone for a year! By then I didn't care.  I saw more people I actually did business with and they were the biggest help to me.

Still I can understand your hesitation. You can down load both the AA Big Book and NA Basic Text for free.  I had to substitute the words think and thinking for alcohol or drugs and then it made a lot of sense to me.

Almost all of the people I have meet in the meetings take the word anonymous very seriously.  Next time you go out of town try a meeting there.

Any questions let me know.

Raylee

[overeasy]

At this point I am just taking one step at a time.  I have an appointment with my spine doc this week and I plan on letting him know that I want off and have already started the process.  I don't know if I am ready for NA or AA.  I am in a difficult position and it would be a bad idea if anyone in the community knew about my problem.  I have considered a addiction specialist and plan on calling this week.  For now-  I am just trying to ride this outwithout losing my mind.  every couple minutes my mind goes 'hey if you just took one alllllllll this would go away".  I then go get the list I made about the reasons why I am doing this to get back my resolve and push the demon out of my mind.  I few prayers have also been helpful.

Medically I am in pretty good condition so there are no worries there and I have never abused anything other then my pain meds.  I really have not drank in over 10 years, not since college, was never into dope or anything else.  

[Raylee505]

Congrats on this 24. TODAY you are clean.  I have a history of 31 years of abusing one thing or another. Ten years of opiates & alcohol.  I was a very High functioning addict.  I once heard an opiate say that using opiates is like going into the most comfortable and safe room you gave ever been into!  I did not want to ever leave.  

I agree with most on that cold turkey from opiates is the best but with an exception. Go to your doc and tell him so he can give you the cocktail.  Opiates after alcohol are the most dangerous to kick. You can die. They give you blood pressure meds for that racing heart/anxiety, Valium and a muscle relaxant. don't worry about becoming addicted to the Valium as they don't give you more than 4-5 days worth.

Going to the doc plays two parts to staying clean and recovery. First you are taking your physical safety as a priority and secondly you are starting your road to honesty about being an addict.  You are letting the prescribing doc know you are abusing and cutting off your "legal" dealer.  Man was that a hard thing for me to do! I was scared that when I really did need the meds he wouldn't offer them to me but that has never happened.

If you have real pain issues be ready to think you are in severe pain for a while. Opiates ( from tramadol to heroin) screw up the receptors in your brain and when they don't get the drugs they tell you that everything hurts way more than it should.  I was told that my ten yr run would take my brain a min of two years to right itself .

Never thought I would say this til 3 years ago. Go to AA or NA meetings. I would go because I thought it was a big God or religious thing. Found out it that it was really about changing the way I thought and how I lived. Go figure.  In the beginning I only went to get people off my back.  It gave me something to do when I was going thru WDs and coy lent concentrate long enough to pick my nose.  If the god thing turns you of just think of it as an acronym for Good Oderly Direction.

You don't ever have to use again if you don't want to.

Raylee

[IBKleen]

If you got up and you are clean, then it is day 2, right?

In any case...kudos!! As hard as it is, you are up and moving around and forcing yourself to do things. As hard as it is, it will make your detox that much easier in the long run.

I am happy for you. Keep posting!