Spouse is abusing hydrocodone. Any advice?

[CasualObserver]

I am new to this forum and found this site while looking for support.  My husband is getting prescriptions of 60-90 #10 hydrocodone a month.  His typical pattern is to take large amounts (6-8 pills at a time) during a 7-10 day period.  He will then wait until he gets his prescription refilled.  He is experiencing constipation, hemmorhoids, diarrhea, drinks water excessively, and his moods fluctuate wildly.  I recognize I cannot make him stop, but I'm trying to figure out how to take care of myself and the kids during this.  I can't stand the deception and the lies.  He fills his lortab prescription at a different pharmacy and hides the bottle or removes the label off the bottle entirely.  He has started vomiting 2-3 times a week as well.  I would appreciate any and all help anyone could provide.  Thanks.

[bren567]

OMG, did anyone reply back to you about what u and your family r going through.  You just described my life.  I just filed for divorce because he hates me and he has disconnected from me and my daugther.  i told his family he hides them in the wall, etc. and no one believes us.  i finally have it on tape but it doesnt matter cuz his family doesnt talk to us cuz he talks bad about me now.  I filed for divorce 5 days ago but truly wish this wasn't happening.  he has been mean to me for 8 yrs and I don't know if he will ever come back as our family man.  Please someone reply.  Is this normal.  I don't know if he is cheating and that is why he hates me or not.  he abuses drugs for sure but i want to know if they act like they are cheating also.  thank you.    from:  embarrassed for not being stronger 8 yrs ago

[blm654]

I know this post is old but are you still clean?  I am an addicts wife and I have told him i want a divorce.  my daughter and me have been going through this for six or seven years.  he has totally shut off emotionally from me saying he can't stand me and he doesn't hang with my daughter any more.  Does cheating come with this too?   I would love for you to talk to my husband before the big "D".  He is very mean to me but when other people are around, he is how he used to be (mostly).  

[livngr8ful]

If you find a med laying around, number one it is very dangerous.  I know I dont need to say that.  Bring it to the pharmacy, and they can correctly identify it.   Some times it can be a bit hard to locate the exact pill on the net.  Also, I know 20mg Oxycontin is yellow with a 20 on one side and an OC or a PO on the other.  Again, the pharmacy would be able to tell you exactly if you have questions.  Steven...  We know our pills but they all look different depending on companies that produce them.

[CasualObserver]

Update:

This pill looks exactly like Cialis....except it does not have the big C in front of the 20.  Otherwise, it looks identical to it.  I am assuming this is a generic form of cialis that he has picked up.  Makes sense.......since taking all the narcotics is not exactly helpful in getting and maintaining an erection.

[CasualObserver]

I found a yellow pill that is shaped like a pumpkin seed.  Is is only inscribed with the number 20 on one side, nothing on the other.  I have not been able to find an image similar to this pill on the internet.  Originally I thought maybe oxycontin, but the image is not the same.  Any ideas?

[Jaybay]

I'm not an addict.  I'm an addict's wife.  :-)  What I wrote stems from my own experience which is so very similar to your situation.  I certainly didn't mean for my words to come across as criticism and apologize that they did.  My inate bluntness isn't always well-received - something else I need to work on.

My thoughts and reactions were the same as yours while my husband was using.  "Well, he's still working and functioning, so maybe it's not as serious as I think it is.  Maybe he really CAN kill this demon himself.  I'll protect myself and stay out of the way when he's high.  I just have to give him time."  Didn't work out too well.  By giving him that time and staying away from him, the message he received was tacit approval, and he redoubled his efforts at hiding his use.  Secrecy is terribly important to an addict.  

After he got clean, my husband admitted that he gleefully told himself, "Yeah!  I've got her fooled!"  And yes, it did take a major ultimatum for him to start detox.  Then he tried to deal with it using alcohol, which was bad enough to begin with.  It's always something.  Ultimatum number 2.  Now he thinks he can "control" his drinking and drink only on the weekends.  Just as I expected, it went from 2 to 3 to 4 day weekends with a sprinkling of special occasions the rest of the week.  He thinks that because he doesn't get shite-faced that he's handling it.  Yeah, right.  His shrink confronted him the other day and the reaction was predictable.  Lots of anger, denial and outright rage.  He's back on the 5-day wagon but I know it won't last.  I just thank God I was never able to have children!

I didn't realize that I had become that all-too-common "enabler" in my marriage where my husband's substance abuse was concerned.  The great people on this forum explained it to me in the same way we are trying to explain it to you.  Trust me, I felt exactly as you do now when I was told that I was aiding and abetting his addiction.  OUCH.  That's a big part of what Naranon and Alanon are all about - helping people understand addiction and the part they play in it.  

Addicts take hostages and they use our love for them to keep us tied up and helpless.  We all want you to be able to throw off those chains of bondage and free yourself.  Your husband has his own work to do and you can't do it for him.  You can still love your husband, but hate the addiction disease - if that makes any sense.  Please stay with us as you work through this part of your life.  We really DO want to help.  :-)

[dominosarah]

We arent trying to be unsupportive here at all.  We are telling you what we do as addicts to our families.  We now understand the pain and suffering we caused during our active addiction.  Everyone of you is affected by your husbands actions right now.  We want you all to get better, including your husband.         sara

[livngr8ful]

Hey,  I thought we lost ya...  I hope you didn't think anyone of us is against you or trying to tell you haw to be a wife or an addict's wife.  As you get into this more you will start see a pattern that is followed by all addicts.  It's sad but you could write a how to manual on this and it would be almost point to point they way each addict acts.  we all do the same things, we all live it.  It's not to tell you how to be or decisions to make.  Its to give you information on how we work.  We are a very predictable lot, to say the least.  How the people on the other side of the fence act is unpredictable.  That's where the information you get form us can be used.  We are trying to give you a deeper incite into us, and as time goes on you will see it as truth.  What you do is yours, and right for only you.  every addict and addiction is different, but addicts are not really that different. That's why the info you have got is so useful. We arent hiding stuff from you.  You have a bunch of truths about addiction right here. You wont get that from an addict thats still in the process of addiction.  And yes, we are experts on spouses as we all manipulate our spouses in the same way. That's how we continues using and you keep giving into what you know in your heart as wrong.  It's a game and we are very good at winning...  Remember we are magicians and master illusionists. With all the caring in the world...

[CasualObserver]

Thank you for your words of empathy.  That is what I was hoping to find.  I am struggling enough without being criticized for a username that I use in a wide variety of formats.  Additionally, obviously I am not okay with this behavior or I would not be in counseling and reaching out towards others for support.  I would also cautiously suggest that being an addict does not make one an expert on being an addict's spouse.  Choices that many have oversimplified on this forum are life changing for many and cannot be made without careful thought and consideration.  Thanks for those of you who cared enough to respond.

[FassFeat]

Whoa, I thought that post was about me a month or so ago. That is eerie. Very good description.. Great post

[dominosarah]

Excellent post......Thank you

[Jaybay]

I couldn't agree more with your assessment, having lived it all with my husband and then some.  Even when an addict admits to being addict, and seeks professional help, he still thinks he can game the system and win.  

CasualObserver, your screen name speaks volumes.  It describes your life with your addict husband.  You are standing in the middle of a disaster for him, yourself and your children.  I'm glad you're seeing a counselor, but if it's not someone with addiction experience I strongly urge you to find one who IS, or try out Naranon or Alanon.  

A functioning addict is still an addict.  There WILL come a day when he can't function.  There WILL come a day when his employer notices his dropped productivity and personality changes and get rid of him.  It's up to you to decide exactly what your boundaries are.  

So far, you're OK with your husband's active addiction because he can work; you're OK with it because he doesn't break the family budget; you're OK with his using because he hasn't physically hurt you or the kids.  Well guess what?  The kids KNOW something is badly wrong.  They see their father's personality changes just like you do.  They see him throwing up his toenails, and at their age they probably know more about what he's taking and where he stashes it than you do.  Do you want to take the chance that they'll satisfy peer pressure and their own curiousity and start experimenting with Daddy's drugs?  It happens every day.  Don't think it can't happen to your family.

It's not your job to play DEA cop or addiction therapist.  YOU can't cure your husband.  What you CAN do is take measures to protect yourself and your children.  If he wants to keep using, tell him that HE has to leave the home and the family that HE put into jeopardy.  Let him rant and rave, and he will rant and rave.  It'll all be your fault.  Or the kids' fault.  Or the boss's fault.  Anyone but him.  It's not easy to grow a thick skin, and it's not a pretty sight to watch an addict get nailed to the wall for his own behavior and try to fight back.  Either he gets professional help, or he gets out.  Leave no wiggle room.  Have his bags packed and a list of rehab facilities for him to contact.  He can either pick up the phone, or pick up his bags.  HIS choice.

[wantitdone]

The arrest you mentioned with the two small children is what is driving me to stop this. Im terrified that this would of happened to me... On day 7 today...the thought of that is the most sobering mantra I have for today.....I will make it today, thank you for sharing you story, so sorry for your entire family....My soberity & my children are number 1..
Thanks again!!!! I so needed a mantra today ~

[scooter21]

I feel for you and I am in your shoes , my wife is heavily addicted to fioricet we have 2 middle school age children that have witnessed  some terrible things and i know they block it out, it came to a climax 2 weeks ago when she was arrested for oui drugs and possesion of class, d she would put her pills in a baggie,she got all hers from on-line pharmacy's which are nothing but drug dealers no script needed they will even deliver c.o.d.,but anyway i went to court at her arragnment and sectioned 35 her to a detox facility a court doctor talks to me then her then the judge,it is usually for 30 days, i am 1.5 weeks in and scared about the future. I wish you luck and there are alot of good people here to help,and remember, yourself and the kids must be paramount!

[livngr8ful]

Ya, right.  Point made.  Problem with #5 is when we truly believe our BS. WOW, how does one come to that?  when you lie to yourself and believe it.

[dominosarah]

Well said......

I do want to comment about #5....Mine was ALWAYS BS.

[livngr8ful]

To everyone.....  This is a battle.  Its bigger than any war we could have on earth.  You dont go to battle with out weapons or knowledge. You need to know the secrets.  So here is some of my past secrets.  We all have very similar ones.

1. We will use you against you.  Just to take the focus off of us.  We dont care how bad it hurts you.
2.  It is usually ten times worse than outsiders think.  I can promise, he uses more than you are told, he get them from places he wont tell you.  He vomits because he takes too much, not because he is just sick.
3.One of my favorites is we can always hurt you worse.  We know what to say to drive the nail in deep.  We have no remorse. He will in time.
4. Hide hide hide... We hide things especially when we know we are wrong. Dont worry about the bottles worry about the free pills rolling around the house, cars or what ever.  IF you drive and the pills are there you go down not him.
5.We have an excuse for everything.  Its mostly BS.
6. We think we will always win. Ever notice you may fight about this and he somehow acts like it never happened.  Hes putting up smoke so you forget.
7.We will lie about everything. Just because. No real reason other than it puts focus else where.
8.We are master magicians we live in an illusion.  And we make our audience believe this illusion.  READ BETWEEN THE LINES.  Its there just find it.  We wont give it to you.
9. We know you take at least some blame.  OH OH now it's you fault.
10.We feed off of this drama.  Its a mission to win.  We think at some point we will with no effect.
11.This is not occasional.  Its all day everyday.  If hes not using hes thinking about it.
12. The biggest on for me was: We know you love us, and we love you.  But at the moment we love the high more.  Dont think otherwise.

The point is addicts cannot be trusted no matter how many times we say we can be. Nothing can be taken as fact.  An alternate reason always exist.  You cant call the BS, just to much of it. Get the facts and the tools, combined with knowledge you will prevail. Im telling you, this guy needs to speak with someone who has been there. I can promise I may not get him clean but I will make him think.  And thats a starting point. Addiction stories make a difference. Then he will no he really has no secrets, and he is not special.  He's just a man with a problem.  A problem that needs to be fixed.

[dominosarah]

Lizzie Lou has a said this many a times in her postings to family members dealing with an addict....."support their recovery, not their addiction"

[FassFeat]

Perfect... Well said. Thanks Vicki.   Andrew

[vicki595]

You've gotten some great advice here.  I hope you took it all in.  I have a couple more
thoughts today :   The vomitting 2 to 3 times a week is not a good sign.  Also,Janet made a good point: Going to different pharmacies probably means he's using different doctors.  He WILL eventually get caught doing this. There are so many checks and balances in place.  Doctor shopping is a federal crime.   Usually,the Feds try to establish a pattern and keep watching.  When they have enough evidence,a warrant for his arrest will be issued.  No one is going to call to warn you. The police will come to your house,search it for pills and rx bottles,and arrest him.   Now,THAT is a huge problem.  

I'm sure he knows this but his addiction won't let him stop. You need to be proactive here.  And if anyone leaves the house,it needs to be him. You should not uproot your children!  

If this were me,knowing now what I know,I'd go to your usual pharmacy and speak to the pharmacist. You MAY get some info if you have a relationship there.

All the best to you~
Vicki

[FassFeat]

You are right, I should have went to bed. I am definetly not an authority on this. My situation has no bearing or relavance to any one elses. I should have stayed off of this post.

[livngr8ful]

You are giving him too many options.  Dont allow this.  He will then put his pills in his labeled bottles.  He will hide them..  As I said before, we are very deviant. He will find away.  You are giving him to many options.  Is there a reason why? You dont understand this at all.  You are so far in over your head.  Stop! take a breath. With your idea you may as well say it's ok. y ou said he's taking them for no reason.  Dont allow it.  You need to not care about his response, only yours.  Think about it.  He is manipulating your way of dealing with this by fear.  It will be a conflict one way or another.  Fear.. Who cares, it wont kill you.  His claws are in.  You must change your thinking.  If your not willing to do that then allow it.  It is scary, but not as scary as putting him in the ground. You are fighting a loosing fight with this.  You need to blow this up  on him.  He knows hes wrong thats why you are met with anger.  We dont like being told we are wrong. Dont be afraid the next step will be him crying asking for forgiveness, because it hits you emotionally. Be strong! Very very strong.  Please keep in contact.  For your self.  He has tricks to keep going. And he will use them against anything that gets in the way.

[CasualObserver]

I'm fairly confident that if I broach this subject with him again, I will be met with anger and blame.  I feel like I cannot make him stop this, but I can draw boundaries within my own home.  I am thinking of getting rid of all bottles where the label has been removed and it is unclear what is inside.  I am thinking of telling him that I will not allow meds in my home that are not properly labeled, both because it is illegal and it is dangerous. I was going to run this past my counselor tomorrow.  I'm not looking forward to the inevitable conflict.

[livngr8ful]

Ok, This stuff is in her house with her kids, it is dangerous.  She has not control over that.  And Im not talking physical pain.  What if they got into his stash.  Tempers do rage when in this situation.  Dont think for a second that this is safe.  Beyond the lies, its dangerous.  Off guard?  when in the hell is an addict off guard.  We sleep and dream this stuff.  You wont catch him off guard.  This is thin ice, DO NOT take the wrong step.