Starting a program

Some of the regulars may remember me, I used to post a lot while struggling with my addictions.  At times I would be using heavily, other times tapering, times of withdrawals and times of excitment because I 'finally stopped'.  But I never really got there.

I pretty much hit my bottom and realized this is it, no more playing around.  I could spend the next 20 years going through this or I could really do it.  I am entering an out-patient program that targets a lot of issues.  Lots of therapy - group and individual, and in addition to the substance abuse they do parenting classes, anger management, etc.  I realized that I approached my addictions with the idea that it was all about using or not using.  It is so much more than that.  I would stop but never go further than that.  No meetings, no programs, no ways of LEARNING.  Now I realize I don't need to just face the addiction, I need to face ME.  I can't put the pills (or booze) down and say ok, I beat it.  I'm done.  If I don't understand why I'm where I am, I'll never leave this place.

If I would have put half of the energy and time (not to mention money) into my recovery as I did my addiction (doctor shopping, ER hopping, street connections... constantly running crazy) I would be in a different place.  But regardless, I'm doing that now and I'm ready to.  It may be one of the hardest things I ever do, but I know that it will truly change my life.  And I'm putting everything I've got into it.

[allaboutmary]

It sounds like you have a plan, and want to do this, and that's what it takes. Go gettum !  Keep us posted. Best wishes!    Mary

[beachtowel]

Excellent you finally get it................WOW!

[IBKleen]

Welcome back. I was wondering where you disappeared to.

I don't know how to tell you how wonderful your plan is. That's it, is all I can say. Stick to it and embrace it.

Good Luck. Hope to hear from you.

[addictedme]

Youve realized what most people in 12 step programs find out,,that drugs are just a symptom of your desease. When I was a newcomer and someone would share that they have a yr or 2 clean I"d wonder why the hell were they there. They havent used ,there cured. No one walks into an na meeting for recovery,,they come to quit using but if they keep coming back more and more is revealed about yourself thru others telling their stories and you realize that your using goes far deeper then just taking drugs. Keep moving forward like your doing doing . What works for you is right for you

[tzt2lady]

Ahh, baby girl!   You sound so good and determined.   You are so on the right track, it really isnt solely about using drugs, it is partly (largely) about "why" we do it.    Ive seen so many great people get a decade or two off drugs only to find themselves addicted to food, gambling, sex, etc.  We really do have underlying issues that make us get addicted to stuff.

Im so glad to see your post.  You just keep that train of thought, remain open-minded and willing and you will find recovery.

hugs
tzt

[lonote]

Its good to hear you again. This time you really sound like you are headed in the right direction.Do you get a pass out for the holidays? Home for thanksgiving? I wish you well hon, and just know, you are not alone and you have quite a few peeps that care about you here. Way to Go!!!!!  love Cathy

[GA Guy]

Please keep us updated Calijen..I do remember you fondly and am so glad you're returned to the fold, so to speak. God bless, and please message me if I can ever be of help...

[natalile]

Hi i no your right! I'm exectly at that place you talked about getting clean for a while but never seeking help to recovery. I trye'd to go to a nA meeting of fri & just getting there i meen walking to the place put total fear into me, it was fear of the unone. It turned out i went to the wrong place " i no total bummerc " But the next meeting is tomorrow night & i've ased a neibourgh to take me so we can drive around to find it. i do no where it is just want to be 100% sure. Eny what scare's me is how 12 step's is mostly about god. I THINK it's just the way it come's across that way, people i talk to who are going are beeen throgh it. That scare's me coz i don't realy have a faith & am happy the way i'am not practicing a faith i'll be totally honest with you i carn't see myself going to church. I do belive there is more than just us a higher devine if you like but not god. Although thinking more & more about it i don't no why i've been to hell quite a few time's but put there myself. Due to my selfishness not alway's just the addiction i've been a heroin addict for 13 almost 14 years & am 23 day's clean for it with one relapse. But i also use methadone to help with w/d but i no i just need the meth i REALLY don't want it. I have tamer'd myself from 110ml to 50ml a day. But i've alo not just got the meth to deal with i'm addicted to benzos & smoke pot. I've smoked pot longer than i've been on heroin it's been apart of my life everyday since i was about 12. So no that part with my outsanding addiction's i feel like 12 steps will look down on me coz i'm no 100% clean my body still carry's narcotics i don't drink & in a way coz pf that i give myself permision to smoke more pot than i really need to. Gog i'am going on eh! i'm none for4 rammbeling on & on so soz & i go fast sometimes be warned lol. plus c**p speller lol. Enyway do you think n/a will except me as i feel clean in the way i've not had heroin it out of my system. It's not fully out of my head i still crave. every relaspe has tought me something i just need that extra help as i no i will be an addict to it again if i dont face my demond. I have had 12 2 1 councelling but that was through probation i used to work the street's & hated myself because of it. It help somuch i must addmit i;m amazed at the affect it had on me my councellor showed me that yes i made the choice to do that but there where reasons behind it & i cannot beat myself up over it. It's past & if i carry'd on it wolud i would of allowed it to kill my relasonship ( my patner was in prison at time ) . That was about 5 years ago now & i've never been addicted to crack since as i nob if i was just using heroin at the time there would ov been no way i'd of sold myself plus i didn't want to go back to prison & leave my son again he was only like 3 - 4 at the time. he stayed with nanna while we where both in jail so i do thank god social services never got involed or i wolud of last him without a dout ( i no i said i than god ). Enyway i told you i went on lol. do you think by the sound's of my story ( that's not the quarter of it but long enough lol). I'm a good cadidate for n/a meetings ?. Are all n/a meetings 12 step's ?. do you pracice a religion now or have you alway's done so? or are you like me & just belive in a higher devine not nessaseraly god just don't no what it is. All i no is that i don't want to inn 12 month's time be going to church ect. It's just not me i don't have a problem atall with peple that have found god. Plesae don't enyone of you think i do. If enything i think it's great that you've found someting to fill that void. Than might of sounded abit funny but i'm not been. Enyone that no's me on here no's i'm not like that atall. as i no i'm gonna get dogged to death about this but i'd rather be honest i have been since i come across this sight & you have all helped me so much even that day i stayed on ALL DAY when i was craving & you all got me thorugh it so please don't think i'm knocking your faith's. It's more like i'm confused about my own. Are you just entering recovery now or have you been or are going through it ? mabey we can go through it together ? if that's ok with you i've probably scared ya to daeth you'll be thinking thsi one's defo a nutter take care & all the best in your recovery everytime 1 person get's clean for good i love it I think see world it can be done were not lower than low were humans that have messed up & are trying to fix it & buy saying sorry to those we've hurt along the way. me & mum had a really good chat she lives 100 miles away & i have no family here me & my fella with 2 top kid's there my family. Enyway i told her i was sorry not just for to stealing from her but really really sorry for the heart ache i've caused as she'z got brest cancer back & i never got time to say it to my dad he died while i was inside. Well i'm defo going so stay safe nat xx :)

[wait2long]

congratulations to you and your commitment!!!  i wish you nothing but success in beating this!!!  stay strong, keep your chin up and your mind open...