Starting over.. and for real this time..

[dempseysgirl]

Hi all, I realized today that my life is not going to get better if I keep thinking in my head that maybe after some time, I can use again and have control like I had with some drugs in the past. It's just not happening. I relapsed two times on oxys after being clean for few days.. It's not going anywhere. I finally flushed all the pills today, including some meth I had in my house and I need to start over. I have deleted all the "bad contacts" from my phone. I cannot use one drug over the other to help me cope with what comes after quitting one thing. It does not help anyway. Nothing makes me feel good anymore.. the pills or occasional meth.. that just simply does not do anything to me anymore, just "perks me up" for couple hours only to fall into deep depression later and having to take xanax to "fix that". I am just fed up with trying to "fix" things with drugs. There must be a way to feel good again without doing any drugs. I feel terrible about everything.. about myself, about the way I feel, about the lies. I just want to be happy again.. or at lease not be unhappy and unmotivated all the time. I have finally decided to go to an NA meeting tonight.. I am not sure if it will help, but I just don't know what else to do anymore.
Guys.. those who have quit and have been clean for some time, how long will it take for me to have some energy and motivation again?  Thank you.. peace...

[rizboy]

hi sorry bout the late response..happy new year hows tricks?

[dempseysgirl]

Hi Chris,
My sponsor told me to tell the complete truth.. When I am ready.. She said that I need to just care about staying clean for now and deal with the rest later.. I agreed.. I am still goin to meetings but it's hard because my schedule is so packed.. Two jobs and school.. It's good because it keeps me busy and I don't think about geting high.. But I wish I had more time for a reflection and recovery.. I would like to write down about what brought me to realize that I have a problem and that I needed • outside " help.. It's hard going through the steps of NA when you have no time..
Happy New Year!!

[rizboy]

hi dempsey,its hard trying to explain to your partner whats wrong with you,but they can be a useful part of getting sorted i think.Ive been with claire(my g/f) for 3 years this boxing day,6 month into our relationship she suspected id been using heroin again,she asked me if i had,and i told her the truth,it broke her heart but it felt like a relief for her to know because it meant no more lies.Do you think he will leave you if you tell him everything?what did your sponsor say about the matter?I hope your well and keep me posted.all the best chris

[dominosarah]

It's not your place to try and get him to understand.  All you need to do is take care of you like you are doing.  It does have to feel better that he knows you are going right?

[dempseysgirl]

Hi Chris,
I talk to my sponsor every day.. And I also see her at meetings.. I had major crisis yesterday.. My fiancé found out that O am going to meetings.. Not sure how bit he did.. He asked me of I have a drug problem and I told him that I have always had one.. He knows that I had a heroin problem when I was 17.. I told him that a person is always an addict even if he or she is clean for long time.. Because its a disease.. He was understanding but I still think that he is in denial.. He does not understand how I could be an addict when I have not new using for so many years.. About two months ago he caught me lying for the first time after 6 years together and si admitted that I bought some pills, but at the time I just said that it was a one time thing and that it was a mistake.. Yesterday, I did not have the "balls" to tell him the truth.. That I have been using her and there over the last 6 years.. So he does not understand why I need to go to meetings.. Basically he just things that I am going through some crisis and that I will just go to few
Eeriness and that will be it.. I tried to explain that I am an addict and that I have been able to control my use only because I never did my drug of choice.. He still did not understand that I have a problem..

[bama88]

I was wondering when your secret would surface. Secrets always seem to get out in the open. I wouldn't focus on that right now. If he loves you and it sounds like he does he will eventually come to terms with it.  If your not an addict that you don't get it. People who don't use don't understand the mechanics of why we use. They think were week or something. It's not that were week we just like to escape stress.

[dempseysgirl]

Hi Chris, day 8!! I actually talk to my sponsor every day. And I meet with her at meetings and we had one "talk" in the starbucks just is two. To corrects mistake earlier.. She is little I've 10 years clean.. I had major crisis yesterday when my fiancé found out that I am going to meetings.. I don't know how he found out but he asked me if I have a drug problem and why do I need to go to meetings.. He was understanding when I tried to explain that when I had a heroin problem at 17 ( he knows that) I was. Or miraculously cured, but that I was able to keep myself clean because I did. It come a cross my drug of choice.. He knows that about three months ago I had an episode with few vicodine.. At least that's what he thought.. I tried to tell him that I am an addict and that I will always. E one that it's a disease.. He does. It understand.. He just thinks that I will go to few meetings to " get my head straight" a d that will be it.. I just could. Of tell him that I have been battling drugs these 6  years that we have been together.. He is in denial and I don't have the "balls" to tell him the truth.. We did drugs together few times when we met, but he does. It like drugs.. He enjoys being sober and he does not understand that it's not the same with me.. I spoke to my sponsor and I told her that I will just concentrate on staying g sober and going to meetings for now and deal with him later..

[rizboy]

that lonely feeling is awful but that soon lifts.So does the sponsor give you their number to call in times of crisis?having someone at 20 years clean is wicked they will give you loads of advice.hows things going?  chris

[dempseysgirl]

Hi Chris,
Thanks for your post! I have been going to meeting almost every day and yesterday I got a sponsor at the meeting.. She has been clean for 20 years and is helping me work the twelve steps.. I feel like ther is hope for me now. I feel like I am not alone anymore.. I fit you guys here and people at the meetings.. And now with my sponsor I know I can do it! :-)

[ricart70]

if you can find a beginners meeting it is usually way smaller and will be easier to find some support from older members.hope this helps

[rizboy]

Know you cant do it on your own is a vey positive step,so hold on to that.chris

[rizboy]

hi.nice one for going to the NA meeting.Ive not had experience with NA meeting myself.I went to rehab where we had a group of about 15 sat round talking,i it really helped so defo go back,and give it another try.Everyone in that meeting is there for the same reason, so dont feel silly for crying.How are you today?chris

[dempseysgirl]

Hi guys,

Thank you for your posts! I went to a NA meeting yesterday and it was little overwhelming. It was too big.. about 100 people. It was really hard, because I had hard time holding my tears in and I did not want to cry in front of so many strangers. I will try to go to another meeting today.. hopefully it will be smaller. I really need to talk to someone there that I feel comfortable with and I need to get a sponsor and just start going through the steps. I feel that NA is my only chance, because I realized that I just cannot do it on my own.. I tried and I failed. I need support and help. Do you guys any of you know how to "know" whether a NA meeting is a small one of a big one? I just don't feel comfortable "sharing" with so many people yet..

[dominosarah]

Recovery is a slow process so take it one day at a time.  Using is just a symptom of this addiction.  We have to get to the bottom of what was driving us to keep using.  We buried alot of demons along the way.  NA is a good start.  Get yourself a sponsor and work your recovery.  You hold the key that unlocks those chains that are binding you~~~sara

[ricart70]

I just wanted to tell you that I am clean 87 days from 150+mg/day of oxy.
I started to feel alot better at about 30 days so just hang in there.As said above exercise is very important.You can do it.We are here for you

[rizboy]

Its funny how we are all different people  living dfiferent lives in different parts of the world yet the stories and the feelings are the same.To give a time scale would be hard,but exercise is good even if its a walk,eating a mixed and varied diet with fruit and veg is also good.I went to rehab(very luckly as its payed for in england) which was good because we had to go to groups confront our feelings and learn to forgive ourselves.Go to the NA meetings and see what happens.I found listening to music helped bring out different emotions good and bad which in turned helped me to confront them.Please dont be to hard on yourself and it may sound like a cliche but times a heeler.Good look and stay positive.Chris