Staying motivated

[coconuts27]

Wow. I just went thru some of my old posts from 2008, and I cant believe Im right back where I started. Back then I was new to pills, but really bad on coke. But an addict is an addict right? I dont know. Its pretty scary to think that Ive said this all before. I really hope that this time is different. I do not want to go back down this road again. Be back here in 2016 posting the same ol sh!t. In a way, I feel that its a good reminder, and should make me even stronger. But then I wonder how I ever let it get this far. I was so determined. So am I more determined now? Or is it more of the same?

Those of you that have a lot of clean time behind you, what are your secrets. What drives you and motivates you to stay clean? When life gets hard, and it seems easier to use than to deal with the pain, what do you do?

Im just wondering because I know its an uphill battle, I wanna really make it now. My kids are getting older, they know I have a problem. I really, truly wanna make these last few years with them count.

[selfinduced]

Great post Lily, Attitude is everything!!!

[waterLilly7]

GOod for you, adn congrats on day 5!
you will see ups and downs, but more ups than downs now that you are nearing out of the physical woods. Keep your eye on that goal, day what ....36 for me I think, and so much better, omg I am almost back to normal, can't say totallly because don't you know a friend dropped by to see me, how lovely, and hugged me and said, "I am sick, hope you don't catch it." ha! and so I did. But even this coughing and sneezing and tight chest is so much better than my best day on the pills!

If the anxiety monster tries to get you, keep in your mind that it DOES go away, it certainly does, and you will be feeling like a wonderful new person very soon. hang in there and keep your great attitude,
hugs,
Lily

[selfinduced]

You hang in there. I promise you each day will be better and better. The mental still is a bit--, but you are stinger than that. Please give it 30 days. If you cave after that, so be it. Just give your body and mind time to heal. Gather a support system no matter what it is, that will be your rock. Addiction is a stong, miserable path. Your kids do need you and you need you! Yor doing amazing. Stay the course ok?

[coconuts27]

I woke up today hoping to feel as good as I did yesterday, but that did not happen. I am determined, though, to keep going. I know that the devil is screwing with my head, because today is the day that I could fall apart if I wanted to. But thats NOT going to happen. I am so much stronger now that Im looking at day 5. I have not been anywhere near clean in the since August 2008. 4 whole years! My body needs this. My kids need it. I need it. Im ready to have peace of mind knowing that I am now in control. I am no longer a slave to those little blue and yellow pills. How could I let something so small take over my body and soul. These things have put me thru hell. Calling out of work, losing friends, hating family members, spending all my money. Im TIRED of all of it. NO MORE.

[TheMadMan]

IT TAKES THE DETERMINATION to recognize what these drugs are doing to your body and mind. I know FEAR is what did it for me. When I was down to 108 pounds, it scared the hell out of me and these drugs were killing me. I couldn't do this to myself after all that I have been through in life, and I couldn't do it to the people around me who have helped me through all that I have gone through. That was also part of my motivation. You have got to find a focus and stick with it. The rest is a matter of cleaning your body out and then the endorphins will kick in after some exercise (I did walking), vitamins and hydration. Try the Thomas method, it may help but what ever it takes to get the determination to take back your life. Don't let fear of the unknown take over. Yes, I will be honest, it is not easy and it can be rough the first couple of weeks but once you system has control YOU WILL SEE A DIFFERENCE in your thinking, eating and energy level. Stay the course, it is worth it in the long run to take back the control these drugs HAD over your life.

[kyle505]

And as I've said before, I have 15 years of failure to draw on. I'm almost an expert at screwing up. I wonder if there's a certificate or something that I qualify for????

[coconuts27]

Thank you for your honesty. Im glad that you are here. The deeper I get into my detox/recovery, I do understand why meetings are so important. Youre right, maybe if I had the right support system, it wouldve never got so far. And maybe I wouldnt have waited 4 years to quit again. I dont mind you preaching, you make a lot of sense, and that is what I need right now. And thank you for the well wishes, I want to live a long, happy, drug free life.

[kyle505]

We've "suggested" tried and true things that have to happen if you want a shot at long term recovery. As you just posted, 4 years ago you were 2 months clean. You talked yourself in to just one pill. If you were going to meetings and had a sponsor, it may not have happened, or wouldn't have gone past one.
I'm really sorry to be preaching to you; you seem like a wonderful person, have a straight forward approach to things, and you've been very honest with your posts. I want you to be successful, and live a long, happy, drug free life.

[coconuts27]

yeah, I remember when I got hooked on adderol back in the day. I couldnt get out of bed for about 3 days. I didnt even know what was going on til it was all over. After that, I said never again. Screw that. Aint no way a pill will put me in bed for 3 days. Havent touched it since.

4 years ago I had 2 months clean time. It started with ONE pill. Next thing I knew, I was taking TEN a day. Before I got clean, it was 5. Before that it was 2. Each time it doubles. I really dont wanna be trying to keep up with 20-40.

Tons of reasons to stick with it this time. I CANT go back!!!

[waterLilly7]

you sound like you have a great attitude, and it takes attitude, it takes fight.

best I can say is engrave in your mind the WD. When I was 16 years old I had done meth about maybe 5 times, and said ENOUGH due tot he WD, and HA, the WD only lasted a day or two. Once I decided not to do it again, I did it one more time, due to peer pressure, and after that one more time I was like, wow, see.....  you knew you shouldn't, and i never gave into that pressure again.

Now look at this, narcotics, a million times worse WD than meth.
Let the WD stop you. associate the WD in your mind with the pills. SOrry if that advise is shoddy, but it works for me, but i think I may be a freak case, cause it works for me, lol.

keep the path, remember that one pill that will start you up again is so not worth it.

hugs,
Lily

[coconuts27]

Ok, so my bf is encouraging me to check out the meetings too. He says he will go with. So that might make it easier. And I know its the right thing to do, I just always tried to do things on my own first. Which is part of the reason Im where I am today. But Im working on all of that.

I did decide to go to my regular dr, and tell him I have a problem, and ask for a lil help. Maybe he can give me something for sleep and we can discuss antidepressants. They been trying to give them to me for about 18 years, but I chose to self medicate.

But I see that everyone has their own motivators, and thats great. Im just gonna have to find what works for me. I thought that detox would be enough, but it wasnt before, so I cant count on that, but the second or third time around, I should know a lil better.

I know im tired of this. Tired of feeling bad, feeling guilty, all the secrets and lies, all the money down the drain. Yeah, my kids deserve better. And so does my bf. At some point this has really got to stop. Nows a good a time as any.

[waterLilly7]

go to your profiel then to posts, and you will have to go back a ways,

hugs,
Lily

[hiding288]

Hi, I just read your post, I was here approx.7-9 months ago as well. How, and where do you get to the older post at.  I would like to read some of mine as well, Im sure it will help me.  where are they? How do I get to them?

[waterLilly7]

geez, ya know, I guess I shouldnt answer, but I am such a blabberererer.
what does it for me is the FREAKIN WITHDRAWAL, that is enough, I only have to go through this one time, ONE TIME, and that is enough for me. Visiting the hell of hell once is enough. I guess I may be different because I still had about 100 of them while I was detoxing because i took them with me to the doc to proe that I had stopped, and not once, not on my darkest anxiety ridden wd'ing day did I ever want to take another, I knew that it would hold me back and prolong the agony.

Going through this hell was enough for me, never again, not a want in the world.
hugs,
Lily

[selfinduced]

As you mentioned, my kids are my number one motivation. Once I realized I had a problem and truly reflected how much of my emotional presence was unavailable to my aging kids, I could no longer enjoy a high. This staying clean is a process. I too can't bring myself to AA meetings or NA, but will go to an alanon meeting and have read almost every aa book in print. I remember all too well the chasing pills, hiding my addiction, missing important events cause I was out of pills or too high on them to mix. I knew I wanted to be a grandma my kids would leave there kids with and couldn't do that if I continue using. I saw so much destruction in others that were addicted. It is like God spa shed their stories in my face daily till I stopped the madness. I didn't want their story to be my story. It was rehab,jail or death. Quitting was the best of the alternatives. As time goes on it just gets better and better and the temptation gets less. Good question BTW.

[On2better]

I also recommend NA or some form of "real life" aftercare. When you feel ashamed, like no one understands what you're going through, they get it. Also it connects you with someone you can call when you want to relapse. I had a mental relapse yesterday and posted here, called my husband, and called my sponsor. A craving that was SO strong was over within minutes. It's the making amends (step 4) I'm struggling with. I still feel a lot of shame and guilt. The thought of telling the rest of my family about this is just a nightmare! But Kyle is right. If you have nothing to hide behind, you're less likely to relapse.

[kyle505]

So, why don't you think you're ready for NA meetings yet?
There are different kinds out there; you find a group you're comfortable with, and go there. You don't have to share until you are ready. Listening did wonders for me; and talking with people after the meetings was also helpful.
You need some place to go when you're feeling weak; this forum is great, but having flesh & blood people to talk to is critical to staying clean.
I can talk to my wife, but she's never had a problem with any kind of addiction (well, maybe shopping), so she doesn't understand what I'm going through. NA does.

[coconuts27]

Ok. Great advice from all of you.Thanks. Kyle, wow. Thats probably what I need to do. Ive been addicted to one thing or another since I was 12 years old. I really did not realize how serious it was until I started paying for my own habit. Up until now, everyone else was either feeding me or enabling me.

Telling everyone my secret is going to be hard for me. Only a handful of people know. Im so functional, on any kind of drugs. I was doing everything loaded. And its been so long, I might have to do exactly what you did. Its gonna take a lot of courage, and Im going to have to really face the fact that this is the end. I feel ready, but I also feel a lil nervous about it. Definitely gonna work on it tho. Because I really need this.

Bkitty, Im definately gonna take your advice and make a list. Thats easy enough to do, and probably will help. Im not sure about NA meetings. Not sure if Im ready for that. We'll see.

Thanks everyone for your advice. Im gonna take everything I can from this.

[Bkitty]

Ya the jig is up with me too! I have no secrets anymore. I can be held accountable for my actions. THats a motivator!

[Bkitty]

Good question! Things have been rocky for me the past few weeks and Ive really had to call upon the reasons that I got sober in the first place. I made a list of pro's and cons/consequences. What motivates me is that list. I have a lot to lose if I go back to using. My job, my marriage,,having kids,,my house,,my car,,my education,,etc. I think of all those things and how hard ive worked for them and how I dont want to throw it all away for a little white pill that will make me feel "good" for a hour and then miserable for the next 23hours. I dont want to go back to that place in my head of needing a pill to do this or that or worrying about how I am going to get anymore. That is what motivates me. That and staying busy. Haha! Staying busy can be hard sometimes~Bkitty

[kyle505]

I failed for 15 years...After each detox (I've lost count of how many) I swore I'd NEVER, EVER go through that again, however, I did not go to NA meetings, nor did I put up roadblocks against getting meds in the future. I didn't tell my family, no one, so my secret - the one I hid behind when I used - was safe.
Fast forward to about 7 months ago; I quit. Again. And thought about Einstein's definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So, I called my doc, dentist, pharmacy; told them I was an addict and should be red flagged as such. I told my family, in-laws and friends. I told my wife that I used to go through other people's medicine cabs looking for pills...I told everybody involved everything. I no longer have a secret to hide behind; I no longer can easily get meds; I go to meetings and come to this forum to stay grounded and have people tell me when I'm full of crap.
Working for me. Very, very difficult and embarrassing to do, but I really don't want to do detox again, plus I'm tired of chasing the high.

[gnarly_1]

HI the key to long term sobriety is to treat the disease you need to work something like N/A to stay clean addiction will not go away and strong will wont get you to fare on its own aftercare is the key......Gnarly