Still a grumpy slug

Ho-hummmm.
I know every day isn't going to be great,,, but today REALLY stank!
My get-up-and-go-got-up-and-went!!  And it's hasn't come back. waaah waaah!

But on the up side I took my first p.o.p. (piece of pill) just a little while ago... that's the first one since yesterday morning!  I'm down to quarters and had forgotten to take it last night... and I just started feeling the need to have it after dinner.

But this morning I had a close call with a bottle of pills.
My husband has been keeping his pills in a locked hidden safe, but last night-while he was all groggy and sleepy,,, he left it out in the kitchen.  So when I woke up to go running this morning... there it was!  We had a bit of a staring contest (me & the bottle) but the end result was me walking away and NOT taking one.
But boy did it 'put a bug up my butt' - as my husband put it.
aaahhhh well, ups and downs.
I spent most of the day laying in the backyard reading.  I was in no frame of mind to talk to anyone.  Craig came out (my husband) and set lunch down next to me and backed away... It made me laugh at the time.... but I think I really looked like someone who you shouldn't turn your back on!  lol.

This too shall pass -- right? I know it will.
(breathing deeply)  tomorrow I'm going to get some accup & a massage.

This would prob be a good time to call my therapist huh??

[IBKleen]

Congrats hun! I DO know what it took to walk away from the bottle. But, you did it. That is all that counts. Talk to him about being more careful. Let him know how it effects you. You actually dodged a bullet..big time. Those triggers/stumbling bocks are a *****, aren't they? And they are at every turn.

Kudos! Keep up the good work....

Hugs.......

[Mommy_needs_help]

Thanks... He has been careful ... up until last night. And he got to see first hand just how hard it effected me..And it also put him on full kiddo duty today.  We both knew that I wasn't going to handle the bouncy-twins today!
Ya know, I think that in some twisted way... I needed to go thru this.  I mean I know that it's more than just the physical thing at work here.  And I have given up things that I was addicted to in the past....  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and all that??
Anyway... Thanks for the kind words.  I needed them.

[beachtowel]

May I ask a question do you and your husband love or hate each other?
I'm very confused by your post.......
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

[Carrie76]

lolo...I think she just meant that her hubby was nervous to go around her or bother her from fear that she would be snappy with him, cause he knows that during this time it 's very normal for a person to be snappy or on edge.
Congrads mommy needs help!! That was SUCH a big obsticle for you! I also really liked the term you used.."had a staring down contest with each other" lololo, so funny, I'll have to use that one also cause when I go into the stores that do have ephedrine as Im checking out the rest of my things and the cashier asks "will there be anything else?" Me and the bottles next to the register are having that same contest!! ...sigh... and then I relunctantly say no, that will be all. Even as Im walking out the door I feel this HUGE force and urge wanting to pull me back into the store. Its so ruff sometimes.

[Mommy_needs_help]

My husband and I love each other very much! lol... Carrie was right, I in a bad spot yesterday,, and a bit intimidating to say the least!

But he understands that some days are going to be harder than others.

[Mommy_needs_help]

are you tapering down?  Or did you go c/t?
It's hard huh?
I feel better today than I did yesterday... mentally I mean.
Physically I'm feeling pretty good too!
Glad you are still here!

[Carrie76]

I guess in a way Im doing both:) I have 15 pills left. Up until now I have still been taking what I had on me until I can get to the GNC tommorrow morning. First thing in the morning Im going to the GNC and picking up the vits/mins. We only have one car and my hubby works a good distance away and he usually doesnt get home until 6 or 7 and the local GNC here closes with the chickens at 5pm. So I m going first thing in the morning. But anyway, In my habit, I am taking anywhere from 12 to 15 a day. Tommorrow I start taking the vit/min and I will only take 6 ephedrine, then Sun, I am gonna take 6, then after that there will be no more ephedrine for me, just the vit/min. So wish me luck:(  
I'll need it. I have noticed that since I woke up this morning I am getting more and more anxious, nervous about quiting since its tommorrow, and my mind is already starting the games with me...saying "you dont want to quite".."you wont be able to".. and I guess the biggest game is it telling me " you wont ever feel that great mood booster or high anymore, you are gonna feel just blaaa and hohum forever if you quite." But Im just trying to keep pushing those thoughts away. You know I forget who said it earlier but someone said that I read, its more than just a physical addiction, its a mental addiction too..and that is SO true!! I wonder sometimes just which is stronger, cause the mind can really pound at you and continuasly nag at you to the point where you feel like screaming at it "SHUT UP!!' or "I give up , I cant take this anymore!" I keep telling myself though that I will not let it win. I HAVE to win this time and this time FOR GOOD!!

[dfr3]

your sense of humor should help, I know when I read peoples sometimes when they make me laugh, I really do feel better even if it is just for extra seconds  I'll take it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mommy_needs_help]

If you make a profile -- you can keep a journal.
I've only done it twice,,, but it made me feel a LOT better!

[Mommy_needs_help]

Damn our minds!  It's kind of a funny idea of yelling at your own brain!  lol.
I understand girl!!
I mean I'm weaned down as far as I'm gonna get -- I only took a quarter of a pill yesterday... so I guess I'll just do that for a few days... then nothing.
I really feel like it's justa crutch.. I mean how much can I really be getting from a quarter of a pill??  yeesh!
But I took it last night... I guess it made me feel better.
Are all your kids in school... you have 3 right?
Do you get out at all during the day?  to the park or something?  Are you in a town or rural?
Keep yelling at your brain doll -- eventually it will listen!

[Carrie76]

lolo, yes I will keep yelling at it:) I tell people who
make jokes about talking to thereselves that I am
constantly carrying on full conversations with
myself, its just I dont talk out loud, but I do it:)
Yes, I have 3. Kaitlyn-8, but going on 30..lolo
Kevin-5 and Brady-4. Kaitlyn and Kevin are in
school, but Brady is still at home with me. We
live in town (unfortunatly)...we moved just about
6 months ago from the Blue Ridge Mnts. to be
closer to family, I like the conveniance but I miss
the country!!! No, we dont get out during the day
cause we only have one car. If one of the kids
have an appiontment or something we have to get
everyone up around 4 am to take my hubby to work
and then I have to pick him back up in the evening
which really screws up fixing dinner and homework
and all. We have a park but its all the way on the
other side of town. They do have buses that run
though close by and have been thinking about
finding out where they all go and how much it costs.

[Mommy_needs_help]

My twins are turning 8 on Sunday... Seems like 18!!

[Carrie76]

I just thought of something.. it's it also funny how as an addict your whole
existance surrounds constant thoughts of the pills? Thats one thing that I
noticed that totally disgusted me. I realized that I was either thinking about
how its time to go get some more pills, or if I didnt have the money it was
how am I gonna get the money for more pills...then after you get them and
take them your thinking constantly how much longer it will be before they
kick in....then its should I take more? Its time for more...then how many
do I have left..can I last with that many until I get more? I mean..
my goodness! And just a couple of weeks ago I had went to the store to
get some more, I had one left in my old bottle, after I came out of the store
I got the one out of the bottle and was gonna take it since I bought more.
Well, it fell in between the seats and I almost went berserk I think trying
to find it. I must have spent 20 minutes in that parking lot ransacking
the car in every crevace looking for it because...my gosh! That was one
pill!!! I CANT loose it! lololo...Am I warped or what??!! My daughter kaitlyn
was sitting in the passenger seat and she never said anything but
I know she had to be thinking...O.k....My moms gone mad. lolo
About our kids.. yes it does seem 18. I dont know about yours but
my 8 yr old thinks she knows it ALL. She's the queen of knowledge
and wwwoohhh unto anyone who trys to tell her different. She's very
sweet and for the most part respectful, kinda shy, but she'll ask me
a question and when I tell her the answer she'll say....nu..uh.. thats
not right. She'll try and tell me I turned down the wrong road and
I'll say No I didnt, this is the way!....Nu..uh...  ARGG!! I usually
reply by saying how long have you lived? How long have I lived?
Ok. Now hush. Or I'll get so frustrated I'll say..whatever katie..
Think what you want, i dont care. lolol Kids..gotta love em:)

[Mommy_needs_help]

I totally know what you mean about the pill scramble!!
I have done the same thing!! So silly!
I think about how much time that I have spent counting pills, hiding/stashing pills, planning my day around making sure that I 'just happened' to drop by the pharm and pick up a refill,,, uuug!  To be done with all of that!  What will I do with myself!  HA HA!

Actually I'm going to start a new job next week,,, I haven't done one in..? I think 6 months?  Can that be right?  It might be more!  Oh well, it'll be nice to have something else to distract me!

Ya know -- one of my girls is the SAME way with driving,,, she's always telling us to 'turn up here'.  I hold my hand in to the backseat and ask for her license,, "NO?  well when you have one --- the YOU can tell ME where to go!"  LOL!

[Carrie76]

lololo, soo funny!! I'll have to use that one:) The job sounds great! The last job I had
though is what drove me to use again. I quite c/t and I worked at a rubber plant running the
coil machine. I was irritable,depressed,and felt like my whole body was just jello.
On my 3rd day I fell asleep several times while I was standing up running it!! I just could not hold
my eyes open for more than a few seconds. My boss and all my coworkers was wondering what
the heck was wrong with me cause I was usually there top runner, and I remember just running
into the bathroom stall and I just started bawling saying I cant do this. I went to my locker and got a bottle of pills I had stashed back that had a few left and I took them. When my hubby came to pick me up I started crying AGAIN telling him I'm sorry but I cant get off these and work too. He knew I really liked that job so being the WONDERFUL hubby he is, the next day he went into the office at my work and talked to my supervisor and explained what I was going through and how difficult it was for me to stay awake and function. The supervisor SAID he understood and that he would give me a 2
week sick leave, and that he was very proud of what I was trying to do. But 2 weeks later we went back and I guess the head guy over my supervisor didnt see it that way and I found out they fired me. But that was just my experience, diff people diff things work, like some can only quite c/t and others can only taper. It will keep your mind busy and productive:)!!

[Mommy_needs_help]

Yikes - that doesn't sound good!
I'm an interior designer... And I'm starting with anew client next week.
Some huge-mungous up in the hills.
Nevo-richeeee-ola!
The lady sounds pretty,,, well the usual sort.. too much $$, too much time,likes to pay people to hold her hand!  lol.
We'll see how it goes.
I was waiting till I got to the point where I wasn't soooo dependent on the pills... but just needed a distraction, ya know?
I'm sure it'll be OK, I can go thru the motions,, I can do it on auto-pilot.  I have my sample books out,, It'll be good for me to get out of sweat pants!!  ha!

[Carrie76]

Thats wonderful!! that will also get you out into the fresh air:) I thought about doing something like that before, it sounds very interesting:)

[Mommy_needs_help]

I've always loved to play with colors and fabrics and well frankly spend money so this was a great way to do all 3!  lol.
I went to a 2 yr program... mostly to have the credential,,, but also to learn how to use the computer imaging stuff.  I try to take courses every few years to update stuff.
I've been working in this field since I was... 25.
For a while - during the .com boom I specialized in office spaces!  lol - gotta go where the $$ is right??
Anyway, it is fun.  And if you get the right clients,, not only do the drag it out forever and change their minds a billion times (which is annoying but still $$ 4 me!) but they tend to have big houses that need a lot of "help"....I generally only take 1 client at a time so I can give them my 'full attention' - what ever that means,,, they like it!
And it leaves me time to still get the girls form school and take them to their classes... Did we have so many activites when we were kids??

[Carrie76]

Sorry for taking so long..had to do some house cleaning:) Gosh.. I dont know, I know that I didnt!
At one time a couple of years ago, katie was in karate & girl scouts, and kevin was in baseball.
The karate alone was 2 to 3 nights a week. 1 for practice, 1 for competition practice and the 3rd
for the actual competition day usaully on the weekend, but between her stuff and kevins practice
we never saw home. Home was a place we went to to just climb in bed and sleep. :)

[Mommy_needs_help]

I know!  Both of the girls do gymnastics once a week.
One does ballet & Art.
the other does karate & hip hop dance
I can hardly remember who goes where when!
And then there is remembering to wash what?  and bring which bag on what day?
I basically just wash everything on the weekends and then re-pack each bag and throw all of them in to the back of the car... where they stay till needed!  lol.
Now they are talking about trying to get on a soccer team!!  I had to put my foot down!  Maybe next year... we're all booked up right now!

I'm pretty sure we just did homework and played outside!  lol.

[Carrie76]

lololo, yeah me too. I grew up playing softball but I was the only child for 10 yrs so that was it, everything else was playing outside making mudpies and playing on my swingset:)