Still struggling with my addiction to Hydro's.

Hello everyone, it's been a while since I posted although I do read but just feel so ashamed that I can't seem to get a handle on this addiction that I have.

I just NEED to get the strength to NOT get my refill each month and somehow I've not been able to do that. I keep telling myself next time will be different as I will take the pills as prescribed and bam the same ole same ole every month.

I went today to a meeting at an AA meeting and it was much more encouraging then the one I went to some months ago, and they meet twice a week and I am bound and determined to go no matter what. They allowed me to take home the AA book to read and it's been and eye opener to say the least.

I am just so sick of this pill controlling my every waking thought............and I use the script up the first week then I am out for 3 weeks until my refill, so I think if I can do without them that long...........I can give them up. Easier said than done, but boy do I ever want to.......I go through these horrid WD's every month and they are killing me. I haven't gone so far as to go outside my home to find pills from a dealer or anything and thats where I draw the line, but am afraid if I keep using that is where I will end up.

Thanks for listening and know I am praying for you all.

Cissy

[IBKleen]

Cissy,

The last place you ever think you will go for drugs IS the place you will be if you continue down that road.

Now you are on the right path and congratulations for getting outside support. That is so great!! You hang in there and I promise it will all be good. Give it time and give yourself a break.

[Dav125]

Just let them go Cissy. Why keep torturing yourself?. You know your sick of the routine so get mad and tell them bye,bye..Its no way to live..

[Cissy373]

I know you are so right and I know in my heart of heart's that is why I am not succeeding at this.

Thanks for your support.

Cissy

[NorcBgone]

I feel your pain, and can feel the same desperation from you that I feel every month. Its an ongoing struggle, but I'm trying to keep positive today. It's day 2 for me and a way we go!

[Cissy373]

You hang in there and keep posting. Do you have any aftercare? If not I highly suggest it as I am new at it but they truly helped me yesterday and being the fact it's people who won't judge you, but support you.

Cissy

[NorcBgone]

I'm looking into it. I'm in a small town so there arent many options, and the nearest big town to me is 2.5 hrs away. This site has been a huge blessing to me. You are right in that it helps to know there are people who won't judge you. keep up the good work!

[IBKleen]

Cissy,

The last place you ever think you will go for drugs IS the place you will be if you continue down that road.

Now you are on the right path and congratulations for getting outside support. That is so great!! You hang in there and I promise it will all be good. Give it time and give yourself a break.

[vicki595]

Cissy~  Do you have any other support? Family,friends?   Is this a secret?

It's always good to find a sponsor at AA as soon as you can.

Vicki

[Cissy373]

I know I need much understanding to this road I am on, and so far I've not went outside to the streets to find drugs till my next refill, but I've had one's tell me that is the road I will eventually take if I don't stop those refills now.

With your knowledge do you think thats the case for me? I tell myself I would never do that..........but there was also a time I said never would I be addicted to pain meds like my Mom was..........oh how I judged her.

I feel so ashamed for that, and wish she were alive so I could tell her so.

Cissy

[Cissy373]

Vicki it use to be a secret until I found this forum and one's encouraged me to tell my husband and I was so scared but finally opened up to him, and he was so supportive and still is.

I've not shared with anyone else yet other than the AA meeting, I do have a group of Christian ladys I had pray for me yesterday, didn't tell them the problem as my Higher power knew what the problem was, and maybe in time I can open up to them and tell them all about it, but again I just don't want ones that don't understand to judge me...........Lord knows I've judged myself enough.

Thanks to everyone for your support as I sure don't feel like I deserve it...........but I am trying.

Cissy

[NorcBgone]

How are you holding up? I understand about the judging others, and now being right there with them. I didnt get myself into this until late in life, and now I want to go back and apologize to all those I shunned for their addictions. Now, I come with an open mind to all different walks of life, and their individual struggles. I just pray that others will show the same respect. Keep striving for the other side of this demon!

[Cissy373]

Thanks for asking this is day 3 clean this time and feeling pretty good have forced myself to get busy and that helps a lot.

I too started this late in life and boy I am ashamed that I judged my Mom but I can't go back and apologize to her as she has passed on, but I've learned what goes around just might come around so we need be careful about pointing that ole accusing finger.

Someday I will get the chance to tell Mom I am sorry.

Pray for me as I pray for all of you.

Cissy

[Violetblossom]

Cissy-- I've gone thru WDs quite a few times over the years, but I can't believe you do that everymonth.  If you can do that, you can stop for good.  It's the "mind" thing that you've got to get passed.  I know, I was NEVER ready until 20 days ago.  This decision was a strong solid one for me for the FIRST time ever.... I just snapped....I wish everyone could.  Because I swear I really think I won't touch a pill again.  I have zero desire and that has NEVER happen before after I tried to stop.  I always use to think about it.  I hope you get to that point.  I think all users do, it's just when???  

Wish you the BEST!!!!  Believe in yourself!  

[sunshine1109]

Wow do I feel your pain I also took prescription vicoprofen for ten yrs and I would get 120 with 3 refills and I was lucky if they would last ten days  I did nothing but think of when I could get more how I could get more that is how I spent my life......the W/D's were horrible but you can be strong and if you need help ask for help it is out there I know I had to get help I tried on my own so many times but I was also on xanax a bad combo....I believe you can do this you have already made the first step and you are going to meetings, that is good..  have faith in yourself and your Higher Power and you will succeed it is.  If you can go without every month like you do PLEASE dont fill that next script you have already gone through the withdraws and you will only feel better as time goes by...God BLess and I will pray for you.."Remember Easy Does It" "One Day At A Time" Don't ever be ashamed it happens to the best of us believe me.....

[Cissy373]

Thanks to both of you for your replys and support as I truly need it. Yep I do this every month and have not found that key to not getting the refill...........am not strong enough YET to tell the doc don't refill, but I pray with the meetings I will find the strength within me to do so.

Good luck to the both of you.

Cissy

[NorcBgone]

It's the usual, easier said  than done, but make that phone call to your doctor and tell them you are done. If you can make it 3 weeks, the physical is over. Work on the emotional for now, and see how you do. BUT, I am willing to bet if you take the time for yourself, and go to meetings, you will find the strength you need. Just know I'm saying this to the both of us right now. I'm pulling for us both!

[gnarly_1]

HI Cissy....wow every month ...well I went from pills to methadone for pain control and it just spiraled out of control also so I had to taper off 150ml of methadone...it took 8 1/2 mo to do and I went in and out of withdrawals along the way...the lat 25ml where 2 mo of withdrawals so I know what its all about...but YOU CAN DO THIS...you need to talk to your doctor and cut off your supply ...I know thats sounds scary but I had to do it in the end wile I self tapered off methadone...I called the clinic and told them I had quit...I had actually saved enough to finish the last 6 weeks taper from  my take homes...it felt like cutting my own throat..once I did that I had no choice but to finish off my taper there was no turning back ...although it was frighting it was also very freeing I new I could do it it just took the phone call to solidify the deal..you will get the help you need in A/A to help you make the decision to do it...then and only then will you be able to stop as long as there is a possibility of a refill most cant get past the temptation ...pray about it...I found peace with Jesus b/4 I took the first plunge
I new he could get me thew anything and im here to say he was there thew out my entire taper...he always got me thew thew ruff spots trust him Cissy he wont let you down..I know about the whole stigma thing....I was petrified when my wife put me on the pray chain at church when I was going thew my final withdrawal ...fortunately I go to a very nonjudgmental church and was not only prayed for but was welcome with open arms...there was only a select few that new b/4 that but the power of prayer helps...we will all be here for you when your ready to take the plunge where here for your support...just know in the end it is so so worth it..good luck and God bless.....Gnarly        

[Cissy373]

Wow your post uplifted me so much thank you. I am a Christian but at times I feel like God is ready to give up on me, I've prayed so many times and asked him to help me and I was going to do better to get right back in the same ole boat.

I know you are so right about calling the doc and getting the refill stopped, but so far not enough courage yet............I get the refill July 7th and have an AA/NA meeting to attend Tuesday and they told me the same thing last Thurs when I went to cut off the refills. I pray that between that time I will get the courage to not refill the script with this forums help and the after care I am getting.

I went to a meeting a few months ago and left feeling wierd can't explain it and just didn't go back, I know it was just me NOT wanting to give this up, but this was a different place and the meeting was awesome, so will keep going to that.

I am happy for you and keep up the good work and thanks again for your words of wisdom.

Cissy

[sunshine1109]

Hey how's things?? I see you can get a script on the 7th...let me tell you if you can go that long without them then you have won half the battle...I know how hard it is knowing u can get more in just a few weeks but then what its the same vicious cycle over and over again...when I came home from 3 mths of rehab I found out I still have a refill of xanax available, I called the pharmacy and told them I didnt want them and to take it off the computer so they could not be filled...I was beside myself with fear knowing they were available and I made that call with tears in my eyes so as not to be tempted to get them, I was still way to new with my sobriety to have that temptation. And I will tell you God will not give up on you, God does not give up on his children and that is what you are a child of God. Keep praying and talking to him and he will see you through this.  I will pray for you and I will be here for you....Take Care..Be Strong..

[NorcBgone]

How are you? I didnt take the time to read everything that was written today. No energy here, but I still wanted to drop a line and check on you.

[Cissy373]

I am doing pretty good today pray the same for you. I am hoping I will be able to stop the refill in the upcoming days, we shall see. I know I won't ever win this battle until I give them up.

Thanks so much for your encouragement means a lot to me.

Cissy

[Cissy373]

I am doing good today...........hey the energy will come. I got up Thursday and was going to do some things but I told myself NO I am too weak, but do you know what I just told myself I am NOT giving into this and I got ready and did what I had to do and my energy was better.

Cissy

[Cissy373]

Wow so many responses and I surely thank you all from the bottom of my heart, and I am on day 10 today and going strong, feeling good about myself and its a wonderful feeling cause for so long I just beat myself up.

I got a thing in email to pick the best post and I don't know how to do that? LOL I am still learning how to do all this.

Cissy