Struggling pastor desperately needs healing

[carson]

Please help someone. I know a man of the cloth, widely known for his music sung throughout the country and relief work around the world.Wondering if there is hope and happiness and freedom out there ( and soon ). He has been through operations and is now in year 5 of addiction to Vic 10. He wants his life back from years of depression and guilt and yet is in a very high profile position. Hates what he has become and knows the pain and scars of a secret life. Could someone help with how to get through this and preserve a marraige ( almost 20 years) and a family. Any ideas would be appreciated.

[hippy]

read the post below by me to you.

[Starraven]

Even though I am a newbie too..(day 35 and found the forum on day 18)We are all here to help and support you.  You will not be judged.  It doesn't matter who "he" is, or in what position or profession.  It doesn't matter if you are a millionaire or a pauper or live a public life.  We are all addicts and we stick together. Who we are and what we do doesn't make our addiction any different.  We are all the same in this aspect.  We have been there, done that and are in different stages of recovery. Read everything on this forum that you can, it WILL help!  It helped me and so many others, but we all have to WANT to help OURSELVES first.  Its like anything, you have to want to take control of your life and say.."hey, enough is enough, I want to stop this"

We are here for you, all of you going through withdrawals and the struggles of deciding to quit.

My email is ***@**** am always a good shoulder for those that need one.  

Good luck and lots of love to all
Suze

[Starraven]

my email is ***@**** bad.

Hugs
Suze

[athena]

Hi starraven.im not sure if I have ever posted to you before but i just wanted to let you know that your upbeat attitude and kindness to others is an asset to this forum.I hope you are doing well in the struggle to stay off hydro. Good luck and god Bless.

pixi

[gia]

Yes starraven you have a bright personality that shines through this forum. You make things seem like they aren't so bad.

[peaz]

Yo Deb---what did the doc say?  Did you get the MRI results back YET???  I am posting this before I checked my e-mail, so if you already told me the answer, disregard this.  Are you in pain?  You sound like you're really being careful w/ the hydros, so I won't have to come down there......LOL  You could probably sic your guinea pig on me.  Keep in touch--Di

[Starraven]

What a smile the both of you have put on my face!  I have to say the same about the two of you!  Pixi, you were one of the first persons to respond to me on my first day here and that made me feel real good, because I finally could talk about being an addict!,  Gia..I posted a thank you to you for that wonderful recipe but it somehow disappeared, but I thank you.  I cut and pasted it and its in word along with the Thomas recipe!  I hope you stay with us!  If we can help one person then we are doing good! Everyone has been an inspiration to me..everyday!

This forum has helped me so much and I want to be there to help as well.

Hugs to all of you
Suze

[chrisby]

Hi everyone ,day 9 from my switch from meth to buprenex i,ve already gone down from 3mg to 2.5 this seems to be going well I'm still wondering if anybody out there has detoxed through buprenex,and if so how hard and long did it last at the end?

[athena]

Hey Lady Di,you've got mail!Almost ayear,How does it feel.I can't wait to be where you are girl!Be good and email me back when you can slow down a minute....

Hugs
Deb

[hellbent]

I know some men of the cloth and many religious individuals with drug and alcohol problems. No matter how spiritual they were or what their level of devotion, they never got sober until they found help in a 12 step group. I strongly suggest AA, especially of he has any prior drinking history.

[carson]

Hi starraven and everyone. Your grace is humanity at it's best and most compassionate. What would make you care for someone who has lost the ability to love and care for himself. ( and one whom you don't know)? Can you loo me in the eye and say that you know there's freedom and joy out there. Then can you assure me that there's discretion here? What is the first step my friend ? Can someone tell me where a person would start? How bad do you need to want to be clean in order to come clean? How did Matthew Perry kick 10 vic per day? Help. Btw, I think a Christmas day time frame to be free would be great but I have Very little faith. I'm not so afraid of the sickness, but of the lack of happiness and " up" to smile around people and be someone they can find refuge and stregth in.

[Starraven]

Its 12:20am and I just got online and read this last post of yours.  How can I love and care for a stranger that cannot love or care for himself? Because I at one point in my life didn't love or care for myself as well and I was so low I planned my own death.
My gift and sometimes my curse is such an overwhelming feeling of emphathy for others, be it humans animals ect.  I am going to continue this tomorrow as I have just begun to live life again after 34 days of sobriety and I am so tired.  I'm here for you, please stay with us.
I will write more tomorrow.
My heart goes out to you
Hugs,
Suze

[Starraven]

ts 12:20am and I just got online and read this last post of yours.  How can I love and care for a stranger that cannot love or care for himself? Because I at one point in my life didn't love or care for myself as well and I was so low I planned my own death.
My gift and sometimes my curse is such an overwhelming feeling of emphathy for others, be it humans animals ect.  I am going to continue this tomorrow as I have just begun to live life again after 34 days of sobriety and I am so tired.  I'm here for you, please stay with us.
I will write more tomorrow.
My heart goes out to you
Hugs,
Suze

[suzieneedshelp]

Are you stilll on?  If you want to e-mail me its ***@****.  WE all put on a charade.  Some more so than others.  My addiction is a secret in my life.  In my family, in my professional life.  This forum is safe.  These people really care.  They have all been where we are.  I am still using.  I am so concerned to hear you so sinical about the world and people.  There is an angel on your shoulder you know?   Life can be wonderful and you know it.   Addiction sucks the energy and spirit outa you.  Its a dark lonely pit from which we must scratch and crawl and climb outa.   You,. who have the tools to help others, need to help yourself.  Do you believe wut u tell others you counsel pastorally is b.s., or is it true?  You have just been so hard on yourself (as we all are) becasue you are "supposed " to be a role model as a man of the cloth.  WEll you dont need me to tell you  that is b.s..   You are just as human as any of us.  And  God loves you just as you are.  the humilatioa dn shame is very powerful.  dont let it overpower you.  Remember this is a disease and not a matter of shear will power or moral fortitude!
WEll I hope I did not seem preachy. (play on words! ha)
Best regards and pay attention to that angel on your shoulder!
Suzie

[gia]

I doesn't matter whether you're a preacher or the president, addiction is a disease. Would you be ashamed of having cancer or the asthma? No one chooses to become an addict, but you can choose to beat it. I have yet to kick mine completely but I know that I will. The first step is that you have to be really tired of the shame, the guilt,and the enslavement by your addiction. In otherwords you have to really want a change. Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? Do you want your life back? Well if so you can get it back, you have to first stop beating yourself up, let go and just think about the future you have ahead of you. Question: Were  you happy before your addiction? If so just remember those times. If not then there is still hope because there is treatment for depression and anxiety  other than hydro. Remember another thing, you really can't trust your thoughts right now. They are lies because you are not well. The abuse has clouded our minds and causes us to make many mistakes like rationalizing our abuse, making excuses, and thinking we are strong enough to handle this on our own. our brain is lying and tricking us while we are sick. It is making us feel depressed and hopless when in reality there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This too shall pass just like everything else in our life does. If you make too much of this and make it seem like the biggest shameful thing you have ever been through, then it will be. Just think of it as an illness that you just need to take a little time off to tend to. Once you get past the withdrawal and your brain chemistry gets right again, then you can decide if your life is so awful, or if it was just the hydro  telling you it was, then WE can go from there. You are not alone and people kick their addictions all the time, so why are we any different. So tell me, what led you to hydro, was it anything emotional because if so you can start dealing with that. It was for me and I am working on changing my thinking and it is helping me realize drugs are not the way to live. Drugs only allow you to exist in this world. Draw on your faith, turn it over to the Lord. Can you take some time off to withdraw? Read the DR. bob recipe that I posted earlier, it should help with the withdrawal process. I am on hydro and I am determined to get off. Just be prepared to feel like **** for a while but remember you are suffering for a cause, TO GET YOUR LIFE BACK! Just pretend like you got the flu, that is what I do. Let me know how you do. My email is ***@**** if you need to talk.

[leighbee]

Hello-

I am on day 8 of my life w/o Lortab (10 mg tabs, at least 10 a day).  Since this is so freash in my mind, I thought I might be able to offer some help.  The detoxification process is Hell!!  There's just no way around that.  But, like my MD told me when I told him of my dependence, the withdrawal will not kill you (as with alcohol detox).  However, there are times that death would have seemed kinder.  I don't mean to scare you, but I would HIGHLY suggest that you (or your friend) detox in a hospital or treatment center.  They can make the process much more tolerable.  I tried to get into one in my area (in a very prestigious area of NC), and my insurance denied it.  At the time I was on Day Two and pretty much miserable anyway and it really upset me that the hospital staff seemed more concerned about my insurance and less concerned about me.  However, tell your friend that discretion should not be the #1 priority right now.  Right now, he must get the physical hurdle behind him and then he will be better able to deal with the rest.  I think the fear of detox is really much worse than the actual detox.  The advice that I got from a close friend with a similar experience is: take hot showers (sweat it out), stay hydrated with fruit juices (I was so sick I had to drink from a straw for several days), try to keep moving (it is hard, but I think it helps), use immodium if you have to, take dramamine for nausea (it will help you sleep too). That's a lot. Please, go to a treatment or detox center if you can- I really think it's much easier that way- and you are away from the pills.  I couldn't do it as long as I had pills around.
Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death (this addiction), I will Fear no Evil (the withdrawal symptoms).  Thy Rod and Thy Staff, They Comfort Me (Call on Him for Help)!!

[hippy]

i know you don't want to go to detox and you don't have
to the receipe really helps and you will be back on your feet in 5 days,  you should  change your fourm name to jonah.
if you need to talk or anything my email is ***@****

[Bodymechanic]

If I understand your post correctly, you are asking for help getting someone else off drugs.  This is the type of help that neither you nor I nor anyone else can give him.  This is a decision that on he can make. You can give him information on detox, 12 step ect. You can support and love him. But he is the only one who can help himself.  This is the great pain of those who love the addict but the is no other way.

Peace

[suzieneedshelp]

Carson, Many have commented to you and I'm looking for your responses...I want to hear from you...Keep postin!
Take care man!
Suzie

[Starraven]

Come out, Come out wherever you are.  Or email me.  ***@****, or write all of us.  There is a story that I would like to tell you about faith, but I'm not sure everyone here would like to hear it as it is about my prayer to God, that he answered when I WAS at my worst, and its a long story and I don't want to turn this into a Starraven day. LOL
Hugs to all, Congrats to Jesse!!
Love,
Suze

[suzieneedshelp]

saying: "If you do not get it from yourself, then where will you go to get it?"
author unknown
Suzie

[suzieneedshelp]

"WE shape clay into a pot but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want."
author unknown.
Suzie

[GOD]

I like your quotes today, Suzanne! ;-)

Everyone: Keep that angel on your shoulder~!

~~~~Jess~~~~

[groovygirl]

Isn't this cool?  

"Imagine you are drifting in the velvet blackness of deep space.  Stretching out before you and receding behind you into infinite distance are myriads of parellel silver threads.  Crossing them to right and left are endless banks and layers of more silver threads, touching each other as they cross.  Reaching up and down as far as you can see and criss-crossing are countless more curtains of threads, so that the entire Universe is filled with silver fabric or webbing in multiple dimensions.  At each of the infinite number of points where the threads touch, a little clear, crystal sphere is attached.  The spheres are glowing, and their combined light illuminates the cosmos.  The polished surface of each sphere reflects every other sphere within it; it reflects the entire pattern of the Web.  Each reflects all that is reflected from every sphere; reflections reflected in reflections, images of images of images, all linked and sharing their light in limitless brilliance."  It's called Indra's Web and it's from a book called "True Magick" that I just read.

[GOD]

Yes that IS COOL... Who is the Author? That sounds like something I'd like. It reminds me of the "String theory" in quantom mechanics!

Take care, butterfly.
~~~~Jess~~~~

[groovygirl]

Amber K. is the author.  It's called "True Magick" - it's kind of a beginner's guide to Wicca and the different variations/paths one can study.

[swampmonster]

after about 2 years of vics and lortabs i consulted a doctor who helped me wean off with Panlor and Promacet combined with L-Phenalanine, L-Methionine, B-Complex, Mega-Mineral Complex, Glutamine(it took days to stomach the Glutamine), and an Amino-Acid Complex.  the supplements were available at GNC.  i worked my way down but it took me about a month.  i have panic disorder and colitis and i started taking Xanax and Soma(how stupid could i be?).  what do i do to detox off of these?  i take about 6-8 X-bars a day.  i heard that detoxing off of them CAN kill you.  can i work my way down off of these.  i can't go back to the doctor and i can't ruin my family's insurance program(detox center is not an option for me).  CAN YOU WEAN DOWN THE DOSAGE OF XANAX AND NOT DIE?  somebody please help me.

swampmonster
ps.  i've created a new hell for myself and i want to kick this ****---all of it.

[Witchywoman]

Mariposa, I loved that quote. I've met Amber K several times over the years. The first time I met her, I was 19, and at my first Pagan festival. She did a workshop on runes and I was awestruck by her. Since that time (21 years ago...Goddess I feel old!) I've run into her at various national Pagan events and have found her to always be very approachable, and just a really nice person. Even though she's famous she doesn't act superior, you know? She's a really good teacher too. She is relaxed, has a great sense of humor, and has a very unique perspective on the world. Come visit in February!!! She'll be out here teaching a workshop for a national gathering that happens in this area every year called Pantheacon.

If you like her writing, you might also like "the Spiral Dance" by Starhawk.  It was the first book on Wicca I ever read, and felt like I had 'come home'. She recently revised and updated it.

Also, check out a new book called "Modern Pagans".  It was published a few months ago by Research Press. It is a compilation of interviews with several modern day Pagans who are in some way making a contribution to the world of Paganism. Amazon.com has it.  And um, well...er....I'm in it. My hubbie and I were interviewed for it together, as we do a lot of work as a team. We are currently working on our book.

Email me if you want to talk more about this stuff, since I could easily go way off topic and don't want to sound like I'm preaching or anything. I respect all people's beliefs.

love,
WW

[Bodymechanic]

You are on a high dose xanax if you are taking 6-8 bars a day. The best way is to consult a doctor but, here are the important points. First there is a risk of seizure.  The medications to prevent seizures are clonidine and tegretol. If you use these medications you can go cold turkey but it will be absolute hell. The other way is with a slow detox.  At that high a dose it will take a year or more.

You can do this on your own but most people would recommend seeing a doctor. I tend to agree with them. I detoxed off of 8 mg a day 10 years ago.  I used tegretol and took 3 months to finish. I wish I had done it slower because to say it sucked would be an understatement. If you are using 6-8 bars a day then you are taking double that dose. Still the most important ingredient to success is desire.

Peace

[carson]

Sorry so long. Hey folks, I have to say, I am blown away at the compassion on this board. It’s almost too good to be true. I’ve spent my life helping people and now I need help myself. I can’t believe how gace filled you guys have been towards me. I had to work overtime today and returned to the board to see folks here sharing their stories to help me. I’m dead at times in the inside and at times ( when I have vic) very alive, but I realize it’s a false joy. I want the real thing and I hope finding you all are my first step getting there. I will email you gia and suzie when I get my time together. Thanks everyone for showing me a glimmer of hope.

[puma]

(Swampmonster),

I have always agreed with (Bodymechanic) until this last post. Clonidine will help with withdrawal from opiates, but not from Xanax.

You need another Benzo. Ativan, Valium or Klonopin are the main choices but you have to go through a medical setting as seizures and Delirium Tremens are a serious possibility and can kill you. You can try a slow taper of Xanax, but talk to an addiction Doc who knows how to taper safely if you cannot use the hospital or detox center. It could mean life or death for you.

Clonidine is a blood pressure med, surely that will help as your blood pressure will go through the roof!!!!! But it will not get rid of the other side effects. Plug (Benzodiazapine withdrawal syndrome) into your search engine and it will give you alot of what to expect and do. I almost died from Klonopin withdrawal and (DT'S) so I am speaking from experience. Please take care and I will be praying for you. God Bless. Keep us informed as we would like to help see you through it.

Chatahan.........wildcat

[Sundown]

I have to agree with Chatahan as clonidine will not prevent withdrawl seizures, Body, I know you mentioned tegretol as a possible anticonvulsant to use, but there really isn't much medical literature to support it. Typically, phenobarb is the accepted anticonvulsants for that, but even it is not always effective. Thats why the standard withdrrawl therapy in cases of benzo abuse with drugs like xanax which have very short half lives is to substitute a longer acting benzo like klonapin or valium and wean from there. If the benzo being abused is already a long half life drug, you would continue it and SLOWLY taper.

Benzo withdrawl is not to be taken lightly. You can't do CT and just tough it out for a week. You really need to work with a doc who knows what their doing, and be prepared for a long, bumpy road.

Sundown

[leighbee]

Carson-

I am glad to see you are still around. On Day Nine, and still kicking. It seems that I have good days and bad days at this point and it has become extremely difficult for me to deal with this roller coaster. I just have to keep reminding myself that as long as I don't take pills then I have done okay that day.  The temptation is so great, though.  I have been in constant prayer- Thanking God for getting me this far and praying for the strength to continue on this path.
The process that brought me thus far was somewhat unconventional, but it somehow worked (to this point, anyway).  When I first suspected what was going on (I was so ignorant I didn't even realize I was having withdrawal symptoms from the drugs for awhile), I made an appt with a counselor in my area (experienced with addictions, Chaplaincy degree, finished Duke).  He was the first one I told- he was very non-threatening and provided me a SAFE place to be honest.  I really think that is the first step... Revealing this horrible secret we have to another human being.  It then became easier to tell others who could help me (I found out I didn't have to do it alone).  Had the counselor not been understanding and non-judgemental, then I don't know if I would have continued to tell my secret, though.  Thinking back on it, I think that God strategically placed certain people in my life at specific times to help me.  I had to reach out first (I felt like I was reaching out for help with one hand and reaching for the pill bottle with the other).
Sorry my posts are so long.
Please, don't be shamed into keeping your secret (that is not of God).
The truth will set you free...
leighbee

[groovygirl]

Yeah, that book is filled with other things like that...things that make you really think.

I sent you an email.

[Starraven]

Didn't I say we have a great group of people here that are in all stages of recovery!  You are a stranger but we all care about you  because we know the torment you are going through.  I'm so glad we didn't lose you.  You will get more here than you will get anywhere. (IMHO) How do you think I am over a month clean now.  Not from sheer willpower alone!  ALOT of reading and alot of support and faith in God as well.  Talking to others like yourself and admitting that you are dependent is the first step.  When you choose to quit is entirely up to you.  (but I suggest a taper rather than foolish cold turkey like i did..Yuck)  You said Christmas might be a good time..How about the new year?  a fresh start!  

Well, I'm here for you as we all are.  I have posted my email incase you ever need it or just want to talk, but incase you missed it, ***@****.  Anytime, anyday.

LOve to all,
Suze

[carson]

Threads of life's adversity are woven in a Tapestry, in a fabric to remind me of His mercy.
Spinning through the course of time storms blow in without a sign. Behind the ominous disguise, what will I find?
Well I'm vaguely seeing silver linings while learning of His perfect timing, in everything. It's comforting.
So maybe the rain is good. Thanks to all.

[puma]

Carson,

It's 3:30 am here and I could not help the storm chaser joke.
What one would hope to find is a nice tight little eye with a great eyewall around it!!!!LOL I sure need one!

I am not making light of your situation, but I could not help my obsession with storms.

I hope things are getting better for you. I am starting on day-1 again of alcohol withdrawal, YUK! I have been through it many times. I hope I caught the relapse early enough this time so as not to have seizures on days 4 and 5 like usual. Since I am on Klonopin I shouldn't have the seizures since it is an anti-convulsant as well as a Benzo which is used for alcohol withdrawal. I have not seized in two months so I'll think I'll just have a few days of sleepless sweaty nights and one day of hard shakes. I woke up at 2:00 am with the shakes already starting so I finished the last of my Vodka only about 2 oz. It stopped the shakes but they'll be back soon.

I will be praying that your emptiness you mentioned will be filled once you're detoxed and can concentrate more on the Lord. I find when I am not sober, I cannot focus on God as much and feel that emptiness you refer to. This forum has helped a great deal in seeing that we are not alone in our sufferings and there is alot of support and inspiration to help. Good luck and God Bless.

Chatahan...........wildcat

[Sundown]

Good luck starting day 1. The klonapin should help, and it is an excellent anti-seizure medication. It should also give you pretty good relief from the shakes. Tou'll need to work with your doc to see how much you'll need to keep you comfortable as everyone is different.
I'll be praying for you.

Sundown

[puma]

Sundown,

Thank you for your kind words. Your posts are always very educational and inspirational as well. I appreciate your kindness to everyone here, as we all need the support. Take care and God Bless.

Chatahan...........wildcat

[lisabet]

Hey you - just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and sending lots of prayers and good thoughts your way!!! Take care, Lisabet

[puma]

Lisabet,

Thank you, I was hoping to see you post today. Thank you for the prayers as they are always needed. I am praying for you as well. Take care and God Bless.

Chatahan