Stugglin!!...Advise?...Thoughts?...arrrg

OK...My fiances grandmother passed away like 3 weeks ago. This weekend (yesterday) i went over there to help move her things out of her house. Well come to find out she had been hoarding all of her pain meds. ALL!! of her pain meds!!...like 2yrs worth.Lortab,OC,diladid,percs,vics...those are just what caught my eye. There is literally a computer paper box FULL of opiates. I didn't even know they made rx bottles as big as some are. Evidently she didn't like to take narcotics. I knew that!!! (sick i know). I have asked her in the past. She said "that stuff gives you cancer". But i had NO idea she was getting the scripts filled.

My fiances mother has been going to memas house to clean out cabinets and closets, and had set them out on the kitchen counter. As soon as we walked in the kitchen it was like i hit a brick wall. I saw the tabs from across the kitchen...i didn't even need to see the labels!! I used to be able to "hear" when my dad would take a lortab...just by the sound of the pills rattling in the bottle. Anyway...as i got closer i noticed all the other stuff. The inner addict in me wanted to just scoop them all up and run.

Fortunatlly my fiance was right there and and told her mom..I'll start in the kitchen, and got them all boxed up. I heard them talking about what to do with them. When my fiance suggested flushing them her mom argued and  said  hell no i take some of these...Needless to say there's still a box FULL of pills at Memas house.

My dilemma....We can't tell her mom AGAIN i had a problem with them. She got burned a couple of times by a heroin addict..(drug addict). And was not happy to find out i stole her medication the last time. I cant help but to be mad at myself for not knowing all these pills were right under my nose all that time. The thought is consuming me. And i know i have a key to get to them and nobody would know i took some. I've been around them several times since i've quit and been ok... I got a little anxiety, but nothing too bad. I'm at 72 days clean and really cant complain about any bad cravings. I just cant seem to get that box out of my head. I had a dream last night that i took the box when they put it by the road, and was excited when i woke up this morning. I think if i knew they were gone i'd be ok. I REALLY DONT want them, but i do at the same time..arrg...Any suggestions??...thoughts?? My fiance told her mom they were all expired and her mom was like..."not all of them"...Like that really matters anyway...Her mom does not abuse her meds she takes like 1/2 -1 5mg tab a day and has for many years. Even if we told her mom i know she would just lie and say she got rid of them. They need to just be GONE!!!...I dont know...I'm gonna go help a buddy paint his house hopefully that will get my mind off it...Thanks in advance

[loveJwhite]

Make yourself busy. Don't go over there at all. If they ask you to go, say you have something to do.....or tell your fiance you just can't be around all that stuff. I couldn't imagine being in that situation. Best thing is just to NOT be in that situation. Stay away...your fiance should understand.

[FassFeat]

Big, Think about it like this. If you open that box (Pandora's box) the Devil himself is going to jump out and steal your soul. Think about how good things are as compared to 3 months ago. That is exactly what would happen. I had an incident on day 8 where I was organizing things and a Lortab rolled out. I picked it up and stared at it, before I could start rationalizing, I just went and flushed it. Your situation is drastically different, Thanks God you have 72 days clean time under your belt. Do what ever you have to do to shake the thoughts. You got this, Andrew

[vicki595]

OMG!!!    That's one nightmare!!   First,it's great that you didn't snag any.  That's hard!!
Secondly,I fear that if you did...you'd take all the bottles and end up killing yourself!!

What to do?  You don't have to tell your future MIL that you've taken any from her in the past,she knows that.  But,someone (you or GF) can surely explain what a huge trigger this is and to get them out and hidden somewhere.

You know you need to guard your sobriety and you know you don't want to go back to day one again. Trust me,it's hell!!

Give that house key to your GF...no excuses!!   Employ every tool you have to stay clean.  You can do it...and stop obsessing!!   Those are not your pills...they belong to a dead woman...forget about it!

Post back...

[Danny111]

Holy crap a ficking box full of happy pills!  Can you get your fiancee to go throw them out without telling her mom?  Or can she at least get rid of most of them.  At least that way there would only be a small amount and you'd get busted if you took 'em.  A lot of them are probably expired.  I guess maybe she could use that as a reason.

Obviously the best thing would be for them to be gone.  It's hard not to dwell on that kind of thing when you're thinking about loads of them.  

Good job coming on here and posting about it.  Seems like a good way to at least let off steam about it.

[laurel453]

Wow  this is like finding the Bank of England's safe open.... but you know it is not for you.

yes, you have a problem here...but trust yourself, you are commited to your new life and you are doing great, there is no turning back to you so  i would not keep that key, your fiance knows what's happenning, give the key to her and whenever you go to that house she will be with you and she has to make sure that every bottle is gone... and if you MIL keeps some of them, just avoid her house, pls... you are first here and your clean time !

[Punkinhead75]

Thanks for sharing.  Your post brings back memories of sudden triggers and how strong they can be.  They don't seem to bug me right away, it's the obsession later on that gets to me.  This was something that I had to learn,  unfortunately the hard way.  I got hit real hard at a buddies house when I was moving beer bottles around in his fridge to make room for a deer we just butchered up.  The clinking was enough to set my head spinning.  I had to high tail it outta there and my butt to a meeting.  He understood and was cool with it but to be honest it didn't really matter what he thought.  All I knew was my head was screwy and I needed to get pointed back in the right direction.  At times when I can't get to a meeting I will often stop and say a prayer.  I will usually start by saying thank you for not making me pick up at that very moment and then ask for strength to stay sober.  I've also found that helping someone else gets me out of my own head.  Congrats on the 72 days.  You did good by coming in here and sharing!!!!!

[this_big]

Thanks for responding! Right after i logged off this morning i got some pliers and broke my key. I called my fiance and told her the pills HAD to go, and i didnt wanna know where they went. I just got home and she said they were gone. Good enough for me!!

Wow, I really thought i got lucky as far as cravings went. Like i said they really haven't been bad up to this point. I dont know if it was the shear quantity or what, but i was in a bad place this morning. I still cant help but to feel mad at myself for not finding them when i was using. Oh god the money i would have saved. Oh well..things happen for a reason. I've got some fish to clean then off to bed. Thanks again for responding.

[laurel453]

Good :)   don't dwell on this now..... it happened and they are gone and keep on doing as you were doing and don't let your guard down !!! good luck :)

[gnarly_1]

Hey you did good not to fold under pressure...a couple of months back my wife had surgery
and I have been clean a wile now she dident even give it a second thought about leving
a script of 40 vicaden on the night stand.....those dam pills called to me every time I went in the room....the addict in me was telling me she wont miss 6 of them...I finely confided in her
and told her they had to be out of sight out of mind so she moved them and hid them
there was an overwhelming fear of what she was going to think of me thats what made asking her so hard....she responded well moved them and im still clean and sober because of it....I couldn't imagine a whole assortment box being right there in front of me
seeing them is a huge trigger for me....you did the right thing now all you got ot do is get your mind off it that in itself can give the avarage addict a run for his money
good luck and God bless.....Gnarly