Suicidal

Last night the Anxiety was so overwhelming and I felt so stressed from lack of sleep, I became Suicidal and went to the ER.  

[badshadow]

Sorry, posted twice.  I'm on my daughter's Laptop and it does weird stuff.

I couldn't stop crying and shaking.  They gave me 3 shots of Ativan, andkept me for observation for several hours.

I have to go the On-Call Psychiatriat this morning to talk about what happened.

This Anxiety is terrifying and does not go away, and that combined with the lack of sleep pushed me over the edge.

I don't know what they will tell me or how they can help me, but I cannot deal with this over-whelming anxiety and not being able to sleep.

I don't know how to cope with this.  The Valium my Dr. prescribed me does not help, nor have any of the other things I tried.

I felt so bad because my daughter saw me fall apart, and it scared her.

I hope they can help me through this.  I am very sensitive to stress and anxiety as it is, and all this extra stress and and anxiety has pushed me over the edge.

I have felt very suicidal a couple of other times in my life.  I was hospitalized once.

[dominosarah]

I am really sorry you are feeling this way but i am SO glad you made the trip to the ER.  Make sure you go to your appt. this morning and talk with the psychiatrist.  He/she will be able to give you some tips on what to do when you feel like this.  Make sure to tell them that the meds you have been given dont work.  Keep us posted on how you are feeling.  Here is a warm gentle hug from me to you~~~~~~~sara

[LeaAnn807]

Oh my goodness!  I'm glad you are ok.  Going to the ER was the right thing to do, but please don't be alone right now, ok?

[vicki595]

Hi~  I know from your other posts that you have a plethora of meds at your disposal.

Has someone put those away?  It concerns me that you're in this mental state with pills all around you. It also concerns me that you were allowed to leave the hospital.

Stay strong and definitely don't be alone!

Vicki

[Beargizmo]

Badshadow, I'm so sorry and like Sarah says, happy you made it to the ER...perhaps this can get a process going to get you some help...I hope and pray it does...


we love and care about you....please stay in touch and keep us posted.

Jim

[badshadow]

I went to see the Psychiatrist today, and he wants to put me on a short term course of Xanax because the Anxiety is so severe.

I do not want to get addicted to this medication but I cannot tolerate this level of anxiety and sleeplessness.

They are going to monitor me very closely on this medication, and have me take it for a few days to see if it will get me beyond this crisis.

I hope it helps, I will not do anything to hurt myself, I just cracked from the stress of everything, because I am so vulnerable to that.

Maybe it was good that I cracked, because I cried and cried, and I think that may give me some emotional relief.

Thank you all for your love and concern.

[LeaAnn807]

Ok, just be so careful with the xanax, especially in your condition.  Is there someone who could give it to you when needed?  I do hope it helps you, but it's strong medication!!!

[shiningstar500]

Good luck to you and remember "this too shall pass". Thats what keeps me going sometimes! I hope your feeling better and I going on hardly any sleep so I know how stressful that is.

[badshadow]

Tramhater, I will be careful, and I do know it will pass, it's just it's passing is very hard.


It is only for a few days to see if I can get over this Hump. And yes my Husband can hold it for me.

[badshadow]

Well, the Xanax does really seem to help for the Anxiety, so I guess I won't take anymore.

[badshadow]

Wow, this is really a challenging situation.

Last night the Dr. had me take 200mg Trazodone, 1mg  Xanax, AND 20mg of Ambien and STILL no sleep.

This is the Chemical Dependency Dr.  She also had me start at a very low dose of Seroquel 25mg to start.

She doesn't think the Benxzo's are the answer, I agree with her, but she wanted to try to see if she could at least get me sleeping for a couple of nights.

I felt a even more anxious after taking the Xanax.

I won't take the Xanax again because of it's addictive potential.  (I did not take the Valim and Xanax together.)

However, I will continue with the dose of Valium I've been on now which is 20mg at bedtime.  I don't want to just stop that suddenly, and be worse.

On the other hand, at this point I don't see how much worse it could be, so maybe I'll just stop the Valium too.

If I'm going to have to go through this level of discomfort, sleepness, Anxiety to the point of feeling suicidal, why not just throw the Valium out and really go all the way to He** and back, if I get back.

Again, I apologize for not being responsive to other's posts.

[badshadow]

Oh, I meant to say earlier the Xanax "did not" help with the Anxiety, and that the Hospital released me to my "Husbands's" Care, not just randomly "out the door."  He had to sign papers that he would be responsible for my "Suicide Watch" until I could go back to see the Psychiatrist on-call in the morning.

I don't know what will happen next,

[pattifan]

Hi badshadow,

Really sorry to hear about all you've been going through.

Have you thought about going herbal? I know it may sound stupid, since all these really powerful meds seem not to be helping, but studies have shown that Valerian extract is just as effective as Temazepam but isn't habit forming. The amino acid 5HTP is good for helping with sleep issues too. You don't need a prescription and can order them online.

I understand you're on quite a few meds so you'd have check with your doctor first to make sure there wouldn't be any interactions.

May be worth a try?

With very best wishes.

[badshadow]

I already have tried all the Herbal Remedies that are safe for me to try.  The Valerian does not help, the Inositol helps a little, I'm taking a multi and B Complex plus a B Sublingual, the Omegas.

I take Trazodone so I can't take the 5HTP since it  could cause Serotonin Syndriome.

I'm actually not on that many meds.

I take Synthroid, HRT, Trazodone and Valium, and that's it, although the Dr. wants to add Seroquel in starting at a low dose of 25mg.

I think the best thing for me to do is just to get in an "acceptance" mind set, that this is going to be going on for awhile, and not try to fight it buy just accept it, and that it will pass.

Thank you for your concern about me.

[tryntogetwell]

Hi shadow! Wow you are very stressed right now huh? You were one of the first people to respond to me and I think alot of you. You are right about not trying to fight it. If you just listen to yourself and others on here I think you will make it. You already know it wont happen over night. Try to be a little patient sweety. Have you tryied breething deeply or meditation? Get in a quiet place with your favorite tune and think about your great future your going to have. You can do it! I bet in the next week or so you will be posting that you are alot more relaxed!

[dominosarah]

Nice post~~~~

badshadow.....I hope you are feeling better today.  The anxiety is no fun and it will pass. Also easier said than done i know.  Keep talking with us~~~~~sara

[kajama]

I had a similar situation happen to me,  couldn't sleep, kept taking meds to help, went to hospital because of sucidal only thing is they wouldn't let me go home they kept me and sent me to a psyc hospital for 2 weeks. Ended up being the best thing that happened to me. psyc doc put me on Seroquel 800 mg and that helped more than the valium, ativan and ambien. things will get better, just know that they have a ton of people that have gone through similar situations, and know that you are not alone. Biofeedback is really good for anxiety, i know it helped me get through some really tough times, and you will come out of this smarter, stronger and feel more in control of your life and sometimes that is all we really want, take care and i wish the best for you

[quadracersteve]

Best thing I can recomend is to first get your blood pressure checked and if it's up, get on a med called Clonidine. It's non-adictive and made a HUGE difference in my anxiety during methadone detox. I suffer horrible anxiety to start with. I also take 6mg of Xanax a day, per dr., and I thought I had the anxiety beat because of the benzo, but it did almost nothing, then I found out about Clonidine. Lots of detox clinics use it as part of their detox because when you detox off almost anything, your BP goes up, and bringing it down will make a MASSIVE difference. But get it checked first. Plus the best side-effect is drowsiness. Best med for getting rid of the anxiety of detoxing IMO. This med should be a vitamin it does so many things,lol.

[Beargizmo]

just be careful and take ONLY AS DIRECTED, have plenty of hard candies around or some of that stuff you can use for dry mouth and yes, it WILL make you sleepy..I would fall asleep at my computer, on conference calls, watching TV...I'm surprised I didn't wake up in a plate of food at dinner time.   But it does work...


thinking of you, Badshadow, my sister from SF

[LeaAnn807]

You will be ok!  Do everything your doctor says, and take the advice from people who have been where you are.  I know you are in a bad spot, but it will get better.  If you don't use, that is a promise from me to you!  Life will be better!!!!

Hang in there!

[kiki003]

Have seen you around and read a lot of supportive things you have said to other people.  I wish I was full of good advice like the good people who have already written to you.  I am not.  I just want you to know that I will say a prayer for you today.......also one out to your husband, who sounds like he has been through a lot and is looking out for you....

[badshadow]

Thank you so much for your support and help.

Quadracer, I don't have high Blood Pressure, mine actually runs low, so they don't like to put me on Clonidine.

This is so weird, because yesterday the Xanax did nothing for my Anxiety.  Last night I took 25mg of the Seroquel, the Xanax, the Trazodone and the Ambien and  I didn't really sleep, but I was up at 3:30 feeling really energetic.

I went to my 6AM Meeting, and then came home and did my Whole Hour Intense Workout which I haven't done in weeks.  I was feeling really good, and then I wanted to use.

I called the Phamacy where I still had a Script left and asked them to fill it.  I went to the Pharmacy, and I'm thinking "What am I doing," and told the Pharmacist that I didn't need the medication and to cancel the script.

I feel very energetic and hyper so what the heck is happening now, and am having cravings that I haven't felt in months?

Also, right now, I am feeling no anxiety, just alot of energy and wanting to get things done that I haven't felt well to do.

This is really weird.

[laurel453]

you really need talking with your phsychiatrist and therapist, bad....

there are a lot of things going on and i'm not sure anyone here can have an answer to those changes , well, i'm sure we can't.

[tryntogetwell]

Badshadow I hope you did take the advise and talk to your therapist. Kinda woried about you. Keep us posted.

[badshadow]

I have talked to these people.

The Therapist/Psychiatrist referred me to the Chemical Depedency Program not because I abused this medication but because coming off the Medication was affecting me the way it did with the bad anxiety and insomnia.

Chemical Dependency didn't  understand that Counselor/Pshychiatrist was referring me for "Withdrawal Syndrome."

Regular Dr. was contacted and didn't understand anything.

I've talked to all 3 of these people today.

Right now I feel fine.  No anxiety, I had felt a "craving" this morning, but it is gone.  I fell asleep today and slept a long time.

Chemical Dependency Dr. thinks Withdrawals are over.

I don't know what to think.

BTW, I have Kaiser.

[madtram]

I so hope you are through the worst of this.

Big hugs,

M

[badshadow]

So do I.

[badshadow]

Well, last night was a little rough.

My PC Dr. asked me if there was anything that made me sleep, and I told her Phenergan made me sleep, so she told me to take Phenergan at bedtime along with the Trazodone, and the 20mg of  Valium and .01 of Clonodine, which I did.  I slept for about 3 hours and woke up with that weird Andrenaline/Anxiety running through my body.  (I also took the 25mg of Seroquel.

So I've been up since 1:30, have a fair amount of Anxiety.

My Psychiatrist also called me again last night and said that after he had "Googled" Tramadol, he was wanting Chemcal Dependency to put me on Suboxone.  He said he read that was the treatment of choice for Tramadol Withdrawal Syndrome.

However, the LMFT, from Chemical Dependency had already called me and told me that they didn't want me in their Program.

I feel like a bad episode of the "Twilight Zone."

I don't know what I'll be doing today, but try to keep busy, go to a meeting, work on some projects, work on meditation, exercise.

[lmccoy]

I don't know what to say. Your body sure is puting you through it. I think the only thing I can contribute it to let you know I'm here and reading your posts. Maybe a Chemical Dependency program run through a hospital would be more up to date on the problems you are experiencing. It sounds dangerous.

[badshadow]

Kaiser doesn't offer that, they didn't accept me into the program they have, and we don't have the money for private treatment.

Thank you Imccoy for the support though.  I know I will make it throgh this.  Actually, there are people here who have suffered worse than I have with this, it's just that my PTSD, and already having an Anxiety and Sleep Disorder is what's making it harder for me.

Also, to be honest, I'd much rather deal this from the comfort of my home with  my family here for support, than on a Hospital or Psych Ward where the Docs are calling the shots.

Not that all Dr.'s are bad, but I wasn't fully informed of all the side effects of this med or I'd have never tried it.  I also had alot of clean time before this, and I never abused the medication.

Just was in the unlucky 1 percent of people who have a certain reaction to this medicatiohn.

[vicki595]

Your psychiatrist uses GOOGLE as a reference for pharmaseutical information and reference?

Good Lord...

[laurel453]

this is what i was going to say, vicki.....wow !!

i don't know if they are helping you or what, bad... wish you have a good day today and have some rest from the anxiety...my best wishes!!

[badshadow]

Yep, he does.  The Chemical Dependency people aren't any better.

You know those stories you hear about Kaiser?  Well, some of them are true.  Some of the Dr.s are so whacky I wonder where they find them.

My so called "Pschiatrist" is really, a Dr. of Osteopathy, with a "Specialty in Prescribing Psych Meds."  A few years ago when I was having alot of trouble with Depression, HE asked ME what type of psyc med I wanted.  Yikes.

That's why I know I'm just going to have to go it solo, with my meetings and the support from all the great people here.

[vicki595]

Well,the good news is that your sounding better !!   One thing I do agree with is the
"withdrawal syndrome" diagnosis. You had classic symptoms.

It's such a drag that you have all these docs referring or deferring to eachother! Everyone is prescribing something different!  It made me nuts just reading it!!

One idea I have is to step away from Kaiser for a "second".  See a doctor away from Kaiser. Just one doctor. You'll need to pay cash but it may be worth the investment.
Just consult and hear what he/she may have to say..

V.

[badshadow]

Honestly Vicki, at this point, I think I'm over the worst of it, and the rest is going to just keep getting better.

I know the sleep thing will still take some times, but the Anxiety has decreased about 30-40 percent, which is good.

I've lived with an Anxiety Disorder most of my life, so I've developed alot coping skills for it, and the sleep will come too.  I know I can get at least 3 hours now, and I've had to get by on that before in my life when things were stressfull.

The exercise is going to be helpful, and I just have to try and stay busy, stay close to my sponsor and meetings.

[laurel453]

taking everything into account, you are handling the situation quite well....really well, Bad...doing what you have learnt about it and your best, something will start working for you, hope so...yeah :)

[badshadow]

I felt better this morning.   I got my workout in, but right now my stomach is really bothering me, and I feel really irritable.

I guess anyone would feel irritable if they hadn't slept in close to 2 weeks.

Things are really getting on my nerves.  Like this website, I have it checked to remember me on my computer, but every time I come on I have to do the whole sign in.

My husband is getting on my nerves.  Just one of those days or something.  At least I don't feel like I'm crawling out of my skin.

[quadracersteve]

I'm suprised the dr. didn't recomend Klonopin. I was on Xanax and had it changed to Klonopin and immediately got sleep (my psych put me on 1 1/2mg, 4x's/day, but I just need it 3 times daily). Before, when I was on Xanax, I couldn't wait to wake up to take one to relax. And suffering real world anxiety on top of detox anxiety burned through the Xanax. Not a good way to get sleep. Not so on the Klonopin. I'm on 34mg of methadone and get 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night. The fact that Klonopin is the strongest bz, plus it stays in your system the longest and comes on slow, makes it's the safest and best bz to take. In fact that was all I needed to detox off methadone the first time. I've read that Klonopin and Clonidine used together help the best, and trying so many meds myself, I agree. Klonopin isn't like Xanax, where you feel them "hit" you. Instead, they slowly enter the bloodstream until you finally realise you're not stressed anymore, so it's the safest to not abuse, unlike Xanax, which is THE #1 most abused benzo because of the quick onset.

[IBKleen]

Hi Quad,

Just so you know...this post is from 8/11 which was just about a month ago and it seems that may have been the last time this poster was on. Just wanted you to know in case you were wondering why they didn't reply.