That eerie feeling of doom?

[worried878]

I posted today...havent been posting as much as i should but trying to correct that...this topic came up and I remembered that awful feeling when i was using..the feeling i had a problem and it made me shake with fear...i never thought it would happen to me and i was so disappointed in myself for letting it happen..I felt like such a disappointment to myself and everyone who cared about me.  These doomy thoughts would usually hit me when I was alone, or in bed.
This feeling would pass tho...pills would get it on outta there quickly so i could stay in denial and think happy thoughts again.  I think many addicts have an aversion to pain, both mental and physical..I did.  For me, using was a unhealthy coping mechanism..a means to escape from thoughts that hurt too much to think about.
  
Triggers I guess u call em, and when i stopped the narcs, these triggers bombarded me..all of the thoughts and feelings the pain pills made go away so I could skip along my happy way and not be bothered..issues i did not want to deal with
Guess the time came when my triggers remained no matter how many pills i took...and the nrg i felt from the pills/the euphoria had turned to depression instead/lethargy and isolation..yet i still bought them and i still swallowed them

Addiction is a hard disease to deal with/I wouldnt wish it on anyone....and identifying my triggers and seeking aftercare to come to terms with myself and my feelings helped a whole lot.

I was surprised to find out what my main trigger was///it turned out to be my x that I married at 16..divorced at 33.  2 children..i did not know I had never let go..til then when my mind was not full of narcotics.

Guess I needed to vent...but also wanted to point out most of us have triggers...and how important identifying them can be...and how crucial it is to work thru them
we all deserve to be happy...every one of us!

[GoingToMakeIt]

Sounds like its time to review your supplements for taking more mood enhancing ones.
Are you getting some exercise in? When we feel down, exercise is usually the last thing you want to do. We all have our down times, I just don't like it when I see it hit you.
You have my email, well maybe not. (I'll PM it to you.) I am here for you.

[GoingToMakeIt]

Greebs !!!! I miss you!!! Good to see you posting.

[dominosarah]

I think that is a big one for all addicts, having a bad day.  We just have to take what we have learned and work thru those bad days.  Sorry to hear about the bad kisser!! That would gag me too!!    

[Greatgreebo]

worried, i'll drop you a line...it's okay to have bad days-like you said: non-addicts have them, why can't we?

domino....yep, i'm still alive and lurking.

I'm glad you both are still here!!!!

[worried878]

Great greebo

Did not know u were still lurking here..or perhaps i do not lurk as often as I should anymore...we go way back..yrs...u were the first one who posted to help me when my life was in utter turmoil...i will not forget it

Not really a bad day..not really a depressing day..I was seeing a guy and figured out he was not the one...avoided phone calls then finally told him//out of respect//cos I really like the dude as friend//that it wasnt what i wanted right now...woulda been easier to escape and tell him i got back with my x boyfriend..but i told the truth//no chemistry and kssing him made me puke!  LOL..I only said there was no chemistry//not the puking part!

I have moved on....my x will always be important to me...dating at 13  divorced at 33//2 children..i think i would be strange if i didnt care....no longer an issue tho//most of the time!  Never remarried..he did..she died 2 yrs ago..but i am ok alone/which is a good thing
I tried hard to stop beating myself up//for things i shoulda done////WILLIE NELSONS song, u were always on my mind...still makes me beat myself up...so i often turn that song off if it comes on the radio...but at least i do not have to pop a pill to escape the pain
I saw a therapist many moons after my divorce and wished i had done it sooner/it was after i stopped and this one trigger came blaring into my face!....she opened my eyes...i realized beating myself up for my mistakes for the rest of my life were not conducive to happiness...and contributed to my addiction
I accepted the fact that folks can mess up....perhaps we r not perfect..LOL
perhaps i took on the blame that shoulda been shared..takes 2 to tango
it is easy to beat urself up later,,hind sight is 20/20....when u r in the situation, u do not have the information u have later when u look back.//seemed so clear after it was over on what i shoulda done then ..so it was easy to accuse myself of being stupid,,,

Anyway..message me GG
I am hoping u r on ur happy train....we have bad days and good days..so do non-addicts..I am finally ok with the fact that every day is not a good day

(:

[janet19]

yep chico I know what you mean. Maybe it's just a way for us not to forget what life was for us back then. I live every minute with what ifs.

Wow look at us. It is Saturday night and look where a lot of us are. I tend to wonder what life is really all about sometimes. I get in these spells about my early childhood and then pity parties. I have so much bad and good in my life when I think of my past I wonder how I got to where I am today. I am thinking I need to get some kind of life. But I am older and like being a home body. My time probably better spent if I got off my butt and went back to work.

For now I still like the support I am getting here. I keep thinking I have been here so much lately. Maybe I have said something to someone that has made a difference in their lives. I truly love talking to everyone.

[chico1969]

Hey Sara - thanks for pointing that out - yes I said he was NOT a bad man.  

Janet, don't sweat it (no pun intended lol) I often wonder myself if I really knew what I wanted back then.  But the truth is that I am happy now with my BF and I love him very much.  He was a childhood sweetheart - I actually met him before my ex, but we were both so young nothing became of it.  So now, when I reminisce about the past, it's usually about the days when I first met the BF and I also wonder what woudl have been if we got together then!!  So there are alot of "what if's" I have to ask myself in my life.

The thing is - I really don't want my ex back - honestly!!  It really perturbs me to be dreaming about him in such a way and makes me feel really uncomfortable about my current relationship.  I guess it IS that I never really said goodbye because I was in such a drug/booze induced fog in those days.  Wow, our monds really do funny things to us at times.  Jeeze, I thought I was over all that BS, it was so long ago.

Good luck to another day clean and a brand new outlook on life - we ALL deserve it!!!

[janet19]

Chico and Sarah thanks for pointing that our about was not a bad man. I am so friggin' embarrassed. I really was not trying to cause trouble either. Well my eyes are no better than my hearing. It is that darn age thing. So kick me in the butt now. Well then maybe she should of kept him lol.

I have felt that way about my ex before. Funny what we all do and think when we have a clean head. I just need to get the fog off my glasses. lol Well we all have weird thoughts. I know my mind is getting better with a clearer head and I am not forgetting things in the middle of a sentence. I am truly sorry for the mistake.

You all have a good night and stay clean and sober. I know I plan on it as much as I can with the suboxone. I admire the ones that got clean and stay clean without adding other medicines to take up the slack. You guys are the real true recovering addicts for me.

I think need to go to a good NA meeting and get some things off my chest. It does help me when I share. I would like to be able to go into a meeting and be true clean and sober without suboxone. One day I will. For right now I am as clean as I can get without risk of relapsing. I thank you all for your support in every issue I have with addiction. You have all been great. And I mean each and everyone of you. Even in the questions and answers if you have not directly spoken to me. I take something each of you say that really stays in my heart. Addiction is a monster disease and man hard to live with.

[dominosarah]

She said he WASNT a bad man.....

chico.......this is pretty common actually.  You have never dealt with the emotions of your marriage breaking up.  Once you do, those dreams and thoughts of "what if" will go away.  This doesnt mean you dont love your bf at all.  It is just unresolved emotions that you need to deal with.  I had to do the same thing with my ex husband.  He and i are friends now and we get together with our kids at holidays and birthdays and such.  Its all good now.  We make much better friends than lovers.        sara

[dominosarah]

Hi greebs!!!  How the he!! are you??  I have missed you!!

[Greatgreebo]

hang in there.....It sounds like you are having a gloomy day. Try to remember that you have friends out here that are always thinking about ya'
hugs
greebs

[janet19]

Thanks for sharing. I feel for you and you guys mirror my life also. Good to have somewhere to share.

[janet19]

I think you are not sure what you want and I am not meaning to be mean. But in the first of your writing you referred to well actually said he was quote "a bad man" then you said most women would have not thrown a man like him. Maybe you really want him and it is hiding in there somewhere. I am not a therapist but I caught that one.

Oh man I am posting it, I hope you don't get upset. I don't want to make enemies. I don't have many friends anyway. Cleaning out the drug people (who i used to thinik of as friends) sure thinned out true friends. I have even felt the same about my children's father. He was love of my life? Thought so but not so sure since my mind is clean.

[laurel453]

A mirror post , i have read myself , thank you , worried.

( not the part ex-husband , sure but every feeling ...  )

[chico1969]

Wow worried - I can really relate to what you say about your ex husband being your main trigger.  I too was with my ex from the tender age of 17-32 - 15 years.  During those years with him I was an alcoholic and sometimes crack/cocaine user.  He was not a bad man, 14 years my senior, but I did love him.  In the end, I believe it was my alcoholism that ultimately lead to our breakup.  Even though it was a mutual thing - I don't think I ever really let go.  Right after the breadup I would dream of him every night - most ot the dreams were us getting back together and me saying that I missed him so much.  Of course, when I was awake I would stuff myself with booze, then crack again and then that ultimately lead me to the painkillers cause they made me feel so good - like I had not a care in the world.  Then the dreams of my ex stopped - it was a relief.  because I always thought that maybe I did the wrong thing be leaving him.  It was a tortuous breakup - he was a very strong man and he cried.  It made me feel like the worst person in the world - not many woman would have thrown away a man like him.  But then, I though it was what I needed - being 14 years younger than him, I needed to fly.  Yeah, I ended up flying alright - flying high to the point of no return.  Well, almost.

The point is, now that I'm off the pills, crack and everything else for now - the dreams are back.  I dreamt of him the past few nights and I'm always feeling guilty and wanting to get baack together with him in the dreams.  The worst part is when I wake up I'm next to my boyfriend, the best guy in the world whom I love very much and now I feel guilty for just having these dreams of my ex.  Like as if I'm cheating or something.  This has been almost 10 years since I left him - I thought it was over and done with.  He has moved on - remarried and all.  It's not like i want back with him - I just want to stop dreaming of him every damn night.  What the hell??  I've moved on too - I really love my boyfriend - it's not fair to him or me - what the hell is happening here????

[Punkinhead75]

Thanks for sharing worried!!!  It's good to hear from people like you that are making the effort to get well.  Recovery is so much more than just putting down the drugs.  Looking at ourselves and coming to terms with what we find is so very important.  God Bless!!!