'That' feeling

[MEP]

Hi, I read this board all the time but rarely post.  I am addicted to pain killers and really want to quit using them.  Right now I am getting off the oxy with the help of Ultram and Propoxy.  My question is this:  I am managing okay.  I have good times and bad but always, ALWAYS, in the forefront of myself is that feeling that I really want to use oxy or something similar.  Does that ever end?  Will I ever be able to put on my makeup, make coffee, swim, eat dinner, without being consumed with all of this?  I always feel that I would feel so much better with just one oxy...you know the downward spiral from there.  When does this end?  I am really having a hard time, any help would be truly appreciated!!

[Brian to MEP]

Well, you've identified probably the number one reason people relapse--cravings.  The fact of the matter is that they are real, they are common and they DO diminish and eventually go away.  What seems to help the most is time.  Also, replacing the feeling with a natural high (through exercise or any other way).  Finally, I know it sounds like preaching but there is a reason NA and AA are so popular, they work for many people to help you truly recover.  Stopping the drugs is a great first step but the real hard part is staying off them AND living a happy life.  Remember, it will take time for the body to reorient itself and same goes for your soul.  If you nourish both you'll find peace and serenity and the cravings will be a thing of the past.

[Joan C]

Brian made some very good points, but for me personally is that the cravings never go away.  It's like taking that one drink.  Once you do its just too hard to stop.  Actually when you think about it of course you want that pill, it makes you feel good, gives you energy, makes you a nice person to be around.  It's a constant battle and its very hard to stop, almost impossible if your like me.  Sad, but for me true.

[MEP]

Thanks for the replies.  I am using ultram to ween myself off of everything in the codone family!  So far my withdrawals have been fairly comfortable, but I have this emptiness inside, this gap, I don't know what to call it.  I really hate to whine and complain like this, but it is truly so wonderful to find a place where people understand.  I am really grateful.

Brian -- you're advice I feel is right on point.  I have been trying to swim everyday after work and it is helping some.  I am going to pick up the pace as my energy level increases.  Thanks again for the words of wisdom.  You are appreciated.

[Brian to Sick and Scared § ALL you guys]

Thank you for your kind words.  Exercise is such a positive force in recovery and swimming is probably the best form of exercise for anyone.  The key is to give it all time to work.  The problem is, many of us who became addicts tend to expect instant results, since we were used to achieving an instant change in mood through our drugs.  Unfortunately, the body doesn't work so fast.  One indisputable fact about desiring to use your drug of choice is that over time, if you do not use, the desire does diminish.  The risk is that for many people it does not go away completely.  For example, the first few weeks or months after you quit, cravings may be frequent and intense.  Then, as time goes on, IF you are doing positive things in your life, they get less frequent and less intense.  Also, many of us have learned that relapse is possible and not uncommon even after a year or more off the drugs.  Well, I've been long-winded again and for that I apologize.  I really can't say it any better than Dr. Steve and that is TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME.  Those words have become a cliche but when you really focus on the meaning they are the most potent force (aside from surrender to some sort of higher power (or purpose, I would add).  If you make it through today you have achieved a victory.  When you make it through tomorrow without using, you win again.  Eventually, years will go by.  This philosophy not only makes it easier to deal with not using, but if you live it to its fullest, it means living each day to its fullest.  Carpe diem.

[diana]

Brian and Dr. Steve have had helpful advice for me on several of these questions on addiction.  My husband started using Vicodin for pain after a motorcycle accident.  It wasn't enough and resorted to heroin --- something he hasn't touched in over 15 years.  When I finally found out and started research back in November, I found this site with lots of answers and support.  He isn't using now, but it is so hard for him.  Thank you and God bless you all who care and understand.

[sue]

I relate so closely to MEP's post. I would love to email you, I too am addicted to pain pills, and I am getting ready to detox myself, actually.   I don't have ultram or darvon, but do have motrin and clonapin and valium.  Although when I stop the hydrocodones my energy level PLUMMETS so I cannot use the diazepam- type drugs much at all, anyway.
I just stumbled onto this site, and these posts and thought i would submit one.  I look forward to hearing more from other people.
Thank you, and MEP, good luck, you are not alone, and I too wish the cravings would stop.
-Sue

[bob]

Sue Iam in the same situation as you I started using oxycontin in september after a bad fall that tore a tendon in my leg and required surgery. Before the fall I was using 4 100mg darvocets a day for 5 years I started taking them when I WAS 45 FOR GENERAL pain. I am now tapering down from 100mg of oxy a day I am down to 70mg. I have to admit I still feel ok but I know its going to get bad. I would like to think that by July the first I will be taking nothing but vitamins. I DONT plan on letting this thing beat me enough is enough I am ready for the pain and the pleasure of being clean. I may be singing another song some hot night in July when I have little energy and no opiates but August will be what Im hoping will give me the strength to continue. I also had a very good thought about how to help my energy level during this hard time. I quit smoking today; I know for a fact that they zap my energy so I threw them away. I wish you well Bob

[Chelonian]

I know what it is like to try to get off Oxycontin. My problem is, however - I don't want to stop taking them! I get 60 forty milligram tablets a month and they are all usually gone in less than a week (they should last a month) anyway, Its sad to say this, but I mark my calendar each month when its time to see the Doctor again. Its like a kid marking down the days left until Christmas!  I absolutely love them. They give me so much energy and happiness (even though its only for a week) anyway, I know someday I should stop but....

[Kassie]

This is really big for me. This is the first time for me to  truly admit I am a pain killer addict. I am paranoid and afraid. I have an image to uphold! I need honest but gentle input, PLEASE!! I am a business owner; a person that is an asset to my community; well liked; highly respected.  I feel what I type here could destroy my life if somehow revealed, OK!  
It started when my husband gave me one of his Vicodin, which he was taking for a shoulder injury. What can I say?  It was awesome! I called it a happy pill.  It was then that my fondness for opiates began. You hear of so many people commenting on their inability to tolerate painkillers; made them dizzy, nauseated, etc. I should have been more tuned in to my own warning signs; the secret wishing I could have the pain killers that sat in their medicine cabinet unused after a wisdom tooth extraction, etc.  Shameful!!
  A few years prior,I was first introduced to the pain relief of Tylenol 3 for the week of recovery from the c-section I had with my first daughter.  I had to request this med during recovery from the birth of my second daughter because the med they sent me home with,percocet, was too strong and made me feel dizzy. My husband was happy to take those off my hands. Then my migraines began 5 years later. The first doc I saw for them gave me Vicodin and told me to go home and go to bed.  When he asked me if I'd ever taken them before, I lied and said no. I was calm on the outside, but inside, I was psyched!  I had my own prescription! I look back on that and marvel over how little it took to really "kill" the pain. The migraines increased in frequency and I got  aggressive in my search.  What was causing these awful headaches?  I tried all three neurologists in town and tried every med from nose spray at 20$ a shot to Imitrex to biofeedback to massage to chiropractic adjustments to an MRI of my brain, and more. Too much to mention. Two years later, I am still plagued with chronic headaches and have been unable to find any releif from them...other then painkillers.  Through this search I became acutely aware of a reluctance Docs have for treating a patient with cronic pain. The Doc I am seeing now seems to have no problem with prescribing narcotics to ease my pain only because I know she sees clearly I am actively searching, through her and all her unconventional natural methods.  Is it okay I am doing this?  Or have I lost track of myself?  Now I take oxycontin daily, around 40-60 mg.  I still exercise and eat healthy..  I've built up an immunity and it takes that much to take a headache away.
After reading what other people have written, and thinking I'm so forgetful these days, I must have a problem and I am so scared to quit this oyycontin. First because I'll have to deal with the pain.  Second because from what I have read here and from what I deep down know, I'll have to go through withdrawel.
I'm so confused!  My life is so complicated and I thought painkillers were an amazing gift of pain relief.  I do take them for pain!  But I cannot deny that I get on a cycle of taking them every 4 hours to stay on top of the pain.  Am I fooling myself?
Are painkillers simply a pscycological addiction?

[Joan C]

It sounds like we're in the same boat.  I get 100 lortab and 60 oxycontin every six to eight weeks.  The last time I saw my doctor he said I didn't have to see him until 3 or 4 months.  I already called his office after 6 weeks went by and asked for refills which I got.  I had to go the office because oxycontin can't be phoned in.  Just from the way he acted last time I saw him I think he's ready to take me off my pain meds.  I don't know if I should make an appointment now or just see if he will go for refilling my meds.  I'm leaning toward calling in one more time because it will be in the 4 months catagory. I am in pain but really could probably make it if I didn't like the meds so much. I've only had these 2 refills for about 2 weeks and I am getting really low on both.  I hate to lie but that's all I've been thinking about.  How I can make him understand that I still need these meds?  I know sooner or later I'm going to have to go through withdrawal.  Sorry just wanted to vent.

[Elizabeth to MEP]

I am going through the exact same thing. I have an 6 yr. old daughter, somehow I have been able to just get by enough to take care of her,get her to school ect. It is soooo hard! I have some family around, but, they do not know, I know they know that somthing has been wrong with me for awhile but they just don't know what. So I guess you can say I have No support. I am so mad at myself for letting this happen !!! I want to quit ,I really do ! My whole life has been controled by these stupid pills for so long I feel like I have been locked inside this really long horrible dream (nightmare)!!! Without being able to talk about this with anyone it has made it alot worse. But, anyway, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, I can't really believe how many people actually are going through this or have been through it!!! Until about 3 yrs ago I had always thought there was a big difference between "DRUGS" and "MEDICATION" now I know there really is not.Please feel free to write me back anytime,that goes for anyone that may have anything to say that may help!!!

[Elizabeth to MEP]

I am going through the exact same thing. I have an 6 yr. old daughter, somehow I have been able to just get by enough to take care of her,get her to school ect. It is soooo hard! I have some family around, but, they do not know, I know they know that somthing has been wrong with me for awhile but they just don't know what. So I guess you can say I have No support. I am so mad at myself for letting this happen !!! I want to quit ,I really do ! My whole life has been controled by these stupid pills for so long I feel like I have been locked inside this really long horrible dream (nightmare)!!! Without being able to talk about this with anyone it has made it alot worse. But, anyway, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, I can't really believe how many people actually are going through this or have been through it!!! Until about 3 yrs ago I had always thought there was a big difference between "DRUGS" and "MEDICATION" now I know there really is not.Please feel free to write me back anytime,that goes for anyone that may have anything to say that may help!!!

[gee]

I think we've all felt like that, with regards to the "Medication" vs. "Drugs".  I think it helps/helped us "justify" what we were going through.  It's not until we do realize that the addiction is the same that we can proceed to quit and get help.  I used to feel like it wasn't as BAD because my drugs were prescribed by a doctor.  I went to group therapy three days a week and was the only one in the group who had an addiction that was from prescriptions.  It didn't take me long to realize that once you're addicted, there is no difference.  The feelings are the same, the withdrawal is the same, the cravings are the same.  

I was taking quite a bit of codeine and was hospitalized twice for it.  That's not what made me quit though.  I just had to try and hide it better after that because now my family and friends knew.  It was one day after making a complete fool of myself at my niece's baby shower that I felt inside that I had to stop this.  I didn't think I could and was afraid to, but the group and individual therapy helped tremendously!!  The physical withdrawl sucks and it's so hard to get through, but the psychological addiction is much harder to fight.  Once you're through the physical, you're through it.  Now... to learn to live a life that I had no idea of.  How does one live without pills?  How do you feel "good"?  But you know what, when you can wake up on time, have a conversation with someone and can actually be aware of the conversation, to not have constant headaches and cravings, it's so nice to feel normal.  And you feel proud of yourself.  It's worth the fight!

Sorry to ramble.  I'm sure we're all very passionate about this subject and it's only through knowing you're not the only person who is going through this and being able to hear how others got through it, that makes it easier to take the first step.

[Kassie Ybarra]

After reading what was written since I wrote, I think the sorriest thing about it all is that we're all so obsessed with the drug itself.  You know, how many do we have left to get to the next refill, is our Dr. catching on and ready to cut us off, is it time yet for another dose, etc, etc.  We're so preoccupied with the drug, we let our lives pass us by. Whether it's your spouse or children you lose quality time with, or whoever and whatever, we're missing out on the true meaning of life here.  It's sad, very very sad. This is not the way we should be living our lives and we all know it. I feel so envious of people I know who never even tried addictive drugs, they're ignorance is true bliss.

[To Nancy from Elizabeth]

Your last statement was so great, sad and hard to read, but true at least for myself!!

[To Nancy from Elizabeth]

Sorry I guess that was kinda confusing ????

[Michael]

I'm singing the oxy withdrawl blues also. Man I can't believe I found this site.So many peole in the same boat.Dealing with children while going thru this.It's not fair to the children.Some days it's hard some days it's a battle getting my 5 year breakfast.I am" getting by "on 80 mg a day.Seems like the same old story,a couple vicoden after a dentist visit.Then a real stupid move,unknowingly taking a dolphine here and there.You know where it goes from there,up to 4-5 a day.Just as that source ran out,I realized how bad a back problem I had was being masked.Dr. recommended surgery. Sought a second opinion,he put me on oxycontin-10mg. twice a day.Went through those in a week maybe 12 days.Now when i'm out:the HELL. I'm2 weeks away from refill. Trying to rough it out. Tell myself to not re fil,then the day comes I'm calling about them at 9:00 a.m. I know there is no easy way out,but ANY suggestions for getting thru, taking any of te edge off. Had no idea I was getting into this mess.Good luck to you all!! HELP

[Michael]

I'm singing the oxy withdrawl blues also. Man I can't believe I found this site.So many peole in the same boat.Dealing with children while going thru this.It's not fair to the children.Some days it's hard some days it's a battle getting my 5 year breakfast.I am" getting by "on 80 mg a day.Seems like the same old story,a couple vicoden after a dentist visit.Then a real stupid move,unknowingly taking a dolphine here and there.You know where it goes from there,up to 4-5 a day.Just as that source ran out,I realized how bad a back problem I had was being masked.Dr. recommended surgery. Sought a second opinion,he put me on oxycontin-10mg. twice a day.Went through those in a week maybe 12 days.Now when i'm out:the HELL. I'm2 weeks away from refill. Trying to rough it out. Tell myself to not re fil,then the day comes I'm calling about them at 9:00 a.m. I know there is no easy way out,but ANY suggestions for getting thru, taking any of te edge off. Had no idea I was getting into this mess.Good luck to you all!! HELP

[Michael]

I'm singing the oxy withdrawl blues also. Man I can't believe I found this site.So many peole in the same boat.Dealing with children while going thru this.It's not fair to the children.Some days it's hard some days it's a battle getting my 5 year breakfast.I am" getting by "on 80 mg a day.Seems like the same old story,a couple vicoden after a dentist visit.Then a real stupid move,unknowingly taking a dolphine here and there.You know where it goes from there,up to 4-5 a day.Just as that source ran out,I realized how bad a back problem I had was being masked.Dr. recommended surgery. Sought a second opinion,he put me on oxycontin-10mg. twice a day.Went through those in a week maybe 12 days.Now when i'm out:the HELL. I'm2 weeks away from refill. Trying to rough it out. Tell myself to not re fil,then the day comes I'm calling about them at 9:00 a.m. I know there is no easy way out,but ANY suggestions for getting thru, taking any of te edge off. Had no idea I was getting into this mess.Good luck to you all!! HELP

[Brian to Sick and Scared § ALL you guys]

Unless you TRULY want to get off this rollercoaster from heaven to hell and then back again, there is nothing anyone can say or do for you.  IF you think you may be ready to stop, go to some NA meetings and just listen.  You will find many similar stories and a sense of community.  It helps not to be alone in this recovery process.  Since you are already off the narcotic, you don't need a professional detox.  You do need some sort of structured program, whether regular attendance at NA or an outpatient rehab program.  Most people fail if they try to go it alone without NA or a structured program.  Now for the hardest advice, YOU MUST TELL YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT YOUR ADDICTION.  If you don't, do not kid yourself, YOU WILL RELAPSE AGAIN AND AGAIN.  Knowing that your refill is just a call away is simply too great a temptation.  Furthermore, if you don't tell the doctor you are essentially lying to yourself about your commitment to recovery.  When you are truly committed to recovery, you won't allow yourself an "escape hatch."  Finally, the post-acute withdrawal usually involves mild to moderate depressive symptoms.  This lack of energy is often a critical blow to the addict because one tends to think that once you are off the drug you should feel normal.  The body simply needs time to reorient its chemistry.  My guess is if you did not use again, within 2-4 weeks you will feel much better.  If you do use again, you're going to put yourself right back at square one.  As they say in NA--"One pill is too many, and a thousand are never enough."  Your choice.  Good luck.

[Tony]

Any type of addiction is not easy to break.  Even if you make a baby step and attempt to cut down before seeking professional help.  For example..when your ready to start your high for tghe day..put it off for an hour and go to tghe store first or go a NA or NA meeting--THEY DO HELP!! I have a drinking problem and go to AA everyday 7 days a week--I you cant do it yourself---

Stay clean for 3 days and see how WONDERFUL you will feel.