Just curious as to what your final straw was that made you finally realize it was time to quit. what i mean is was there a single event or bottom that you hit, where that light bulb went off and you knew you were done with drugs. almost all addicts never quit their first time, it takes a lot of pain and hardships before you say "enough is enough". this is not meant to be a negative post, in fact i look at my "final botttom" as a positive and what saved me from using coke. my final straw was the ambulance ride and fearing for my life, it took that to wake me up. just wanted to hear some of your stories.
As a lot of us, I was doing illegal things to get my stuff. I knew that I'd never get away with it forever, therefore I had many failed attempts to quit. Some taper & some c/t.
Well, I did get caught, and never knew when the cops would show up at my house to arrest me. I quit c/t and worried forever what was going to happen. It's been 5 months, nothing did happen, but who's to say it won't be dug up?
At least I can pass a drug screen now. I look back all the time. Especially in times where I know it'd be easy to start up again.
For me it was the inability to look my children in the eye. I was playing with my daughter one day and when I put her to bed she looked up at me and said I love you daddy and I broke down in tears and could not look her in the eye without feeling like the biggest piece of ****.
wow, didn't expect these to be so emotional. it's so hard looking back at what we were and how we disappointed those close to us, but i would rather look back, then still be there. these are some great stories guys, i can so relate.
My granddaughters were my saving grace.When we had to take over raising my stepdaughters 2 little girls because of her drug addiction,plus now we had our little grandbaby Hannah.I realized for my 2 older granddaughters I had to get clean because drugs had already effected their little lives in such a horrible way.They saw so much a 2 and 4 year old should NEVER have to see when they were with their mother and father.They needed stability and so did I.Plus the 100 dollars a week I was giving to the methodone clinic buys alot of barbies and diapers.They put an end to my selfish behavior.Peace.
I have been watching Intervention when there would be a mother on there who had taken too much sleep med or something like that and my husband would say, "there you are, that's what you looked like." Made me so glad I stopped the Ambien. I havve been off all sleep med since Jan 2nd or 3rd I can't really remember because it was the same time as my dad's death. I don't remember the exact day and said that's enough. I am just glad I did.
mine is a pretty long story....goes back to childhood and growing up with addicts...addicts of every type. my mom was addicted to meth, my step-mom was a very, very bad alcoholic and my dad was addicted to the behavior and drama of it all and made excuses for all of them. i always fought to try and break the cycle of it all and promised myself that i would never follow down the paths of those that i had loved and cared about. (all of the above mentioned have passed on) well when i hurt my back at work and was diagnosed with having kidney disease and the complications that are associated my doc. prescribed me percs....2 of the 7.5's every 4-6 hours. i was relieved to be out of pain, etc. well to make a very long and complicated story short, about 9 months of taking the percocets my doc. wanted to do a pill count and i was short 10 pills....well when they did the count and i was short the nurses of the clinic threatened me with EVERYTHING....but the one that really hit home is that they said they were going to turn me into child and family services and try to take my kids away. they said that i was abusing my meds and had broke my pain contract and that they had no other choice but to report it. that was MY rock bottom. MY KIDS ARE MY WORLD!!! as i said before, it was important to me not to follow the paths and make the choices that my parents and other family members had. i am now on suboxone and although i hate the darn thing, it does help with the cravings, etc. i was never turned into family services, they were just trying to scare the hell out of me, and it REALLY scared the hell out of me. now i just thank God for giving me another day!! i have resigned myself that i will have to live in pain every day, but the pain is nothing compared to what my kids and i would go through mentally and emotionally if we were separated!! thanks for sharing, gizzy32!! and thanks everyone for letting me share!! blessings on your day!! :)
Mine... had to travel about 6 hours away. When I got there I realized I had forgotten my precious little pills. (had some with me but forgot the stash). Spent the next 12 hours going back and forth for those damn things. Had to make up an incredible lie as to why I had not arrived.
Mine was when realizing that 1 pain pill would always be 1 pain pill too many and that 1,000 pain pills would never be enough.
That I could not allow the rest of my life to be ruled by something that I could no longer control, but instead was controlling me. As such, I was turning into a brain-dead pill Zombie. Not acceptable.
the first time i tried was one morning i woke up sleeping on my mothers grave and not remembering even going there and then worry were and how my kids were tried to stop but relapsed and stayed that way for another 2yrs then one night laying in bed i could feel myslef but i couldnt move or open my eyes and my little girl was sleeping next to me and i was so screwed up i didnt even care if i was laying there dying, went out and in the middle of the night (now this might of been a dream i dont know) but i could feel myself like going up in the air then would go back out then all of a sudden i woke up w feeling like i fell will hard on the bed and was gasping and my little girl sitting in cornor of bed crying out mommy mommy, thats when i found Med Help!!
my wake up call came the day that i didnt have any pills to take and i went throughout y house screaming and crying like a raving lunatic bc i had no piills to take and freaking out wanting to just die bc i dint have any pills to take. i later got some pills that i spend $300 on for 4 80mg oxycontins. and the next day my bilss all bounced and i didnt even care bc i had my precious 4 pills that lasted me one day. thast when i realized my life is out of control and i need to stop.
One thing that really hit home was the day i got my paycheck and started to search for my favorite: Methadone.
when i couldn't find it i went and bought 7.5 Lortab.
WITH MY ENTIRE PAYCHECK!!!
that was a really LOW time.
It was rent time.
I owed a total of $240.00 that day to someone i loved (didn't pay them)
i was driving around on 1/4 tank of gas.
It took 14 hours to ingest my entire paycheck!
This is a good post Gizzy, very interesting to see what everyone else said. My story is a little different. The final straw for me was the fact that the government could dictate how I raise my children because of what I choose to put into my body. I really dont believe that I ever hurt or neglected my children, I love them more than anything. They had love, time, toys, vacations and much more that many other kids. They never knew I was high or saw drugs around. My drug use wasnt really getting to where I couldnt afford it, cuz I hardly ever paid for anything. I self medicated to cover up my problems, and that was because I was always afraid of what the doctor prescribed. What made their meds so much better than mine??? Because they're legal? Would I still have my kids if I drank every night instead of using recreational drugs? Or how bout if I just ran around snappin on the kids all day instead of poppin a pill? Probably. Anyway, I know that many will probably disagree, but thats what it took for me. I'm 5 days from pain pills, using a lot less coke, not smoking weed at all. I didnt quit for me, but so that I can have my babies back. I still refuse to take the meds that are being prescribed to me because I dont wanna be a zombie. I just want to be a mom. And if I have to run around mad at everyone for the next six months because I cant smoke a joint, I guess thats what I'll do. But at least the well-being of my kids wont be determined by an already screwed up system.
I was in constant turmoil inside over counting the pills to have enough to get through the day, weekend or whatever. I didn't know how to stop and my husband came to me and told me my money was cut off and I had to stop. I knew it was the wake up call I need to stop so I started researching found this forum and went c/t within a month. It was tough but I had made my mind up that I wanted to be free from the pills. I just needed the push.
I think I have gained all of my husbands trust back and I now have access to all of the money again, LOL. It been over a year now but it seems like so much longer. It was like a bad dream. Not just the pills but everything going on during those years. Rough times.
There was no grand moment for me. No white light experience.
I woke up one day and looked into the mirror. I said today is the day I kill myself, or get help.
I got help.
There are a tons of "yets" for me. I've yet to be arrested, I've yet to steal from family and I've yet to use around my child but again, those are yets.......If I go back out there, I'm sure I'll reach some if not all of those and worse.
I know I have another relapse in me but I am really not sure if I have another recovery!
I thought about when i was in jail for 6 months how i felt the first month when i didnt have any cigarettes or alcohol. It sucked so bad in a place like that and wanting stuff u couldnt have. It popped into my head how much it disgusted me that i depended on something to get me through life. I got tired of going through w.ds when i couldnt get pills and i was puting myself through sheer hell and it was no ones fault but my own. My relapse is in my hands now but my recovery is in the good ppl i surround myself with.
My blood pressure was going up, i was a recluse, my bathing habits were not good and i was afraid i was going to die, they would do an autopsy and find out i had overdosed and my family would be left with so many doubts.
I thikn that the recovery IS in our hands. The first step is "We admitted we WERE powerless". It's no we ARE powerless. You need to surround yourself with good, strong, soer people, yes. Remember it's always people, places and things, BUT, when you are in the right place in your sobriety you are not limited to where you go and who you speak to provided you always check your motives.
You DO have the power now..... You've seen th other side and no one can take that from you.
It was a few weeks before the 2007 Christmas holidays. We were hosting and since I work away from the home quite a bit, I took some time off to get our house spruced up...you know, painting, changing light fixtures, laying sod, etc. I was using the patches and percs...I would place a patch on and after 2 days would out a new patch on and leave the old on for a couple more days. I was taking percs as normal, 5-7 a day. While I was painting one morning, I had this incredible sickness come over me, blood pressure soarded, massive migraine and vomiting; I was overdosing. I ripped one patch off (old one first of course) and then realized I could die here. We have 2 teenagers who really need their dad. I ripped the other patch off and continued throwing up for the 36 hours. I was lucky...I could have died. That was my low....I tapered with the remaining percs for the next 2 weeks and quit...that was 5 nonths ago. Glad to be here..I guess you could say I was scared sober :-)
The first time I realized the pills were becoming a problem was at Magi's wedding. I was dancing, laughing etc.. but it was weird. I didn't really feel I was having a good time. I realized I couldn't enjoy things anymore. I detoxed many times after that. What I do remember is after 5 days of being clean. I was laughing again, laughing at things on t.v..etc.. and I felt it. A real belly laugh. That was a great moment ! One of my favorite things is to get the giggles now.
The time i knew i had to quit drugs was around a month before i actually did go c/t.
Well, to cut along story short........
He became very violent after a major arguement and i was left supporting a wound to my head that needed medical treatment. I knew i was 'going down' very fast. I knew that if the drugs wouldnt kill me, he would.
This happened on a Friday evening, i was sitting in A&E waiting to see the nurses, they looked at me and i saw it in their eyes that they wanted to help me, but i knew i couldnt say anything to them and yet i really wanted too. For the first time ever, i wanted help i knew i WANTED TO STOP.
Thats when i knew i didnt want to live like that anymore. I wanted to be clean and live my life again, on my terms, not wonder when my next fix or punch was gonna be! I moved out on the Sunday and moved 400miles away the following Saturday and starting my c/t on the Monday!
Giz, I told you I would post this.....so here goes.
My Husband and I were fighting all the time. That was because I became very defensive and mean. One night I told him I wanted a divorce and he said ok. I did not expect he would ever say ok to that. He even started to work out the logistics of how we would split things and how we would handle the girls.
Somehow I realized I was blaming him for all of our problems, but the problem was me. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I had no idea who I was looking at.
I stayed awake all night and realized how my life was falling apart.
My girls started going to my husband for the things they used to come to me for. They stopped asking me to play, or sit with them. They knew I wouldnt. I was so in my dazed drug fog that I was just existing, nothing more.
My friends stopped calling and inviting me to do things with them.
I was lonely and desperate all the time.
I wrote my Husband a long note that night and told him of my addiction. I could not tell him face to face. I was too ashamed to look him in the eyes.
He came to me after he read the note and just held my while I cried.
He never judged me or said anything negative. He was right by my side thru the whole detox process.
He held my while I shook and broke out in cold sweats. He rubbed me when I was crying that there were spiders crawling in my veins.
He stayed awake during the short spurts that I slept to make sure I did not have a seizure and die. He was terrified to lose me. I was terrified too.
I will never forget the realization of knowing my family and friends were giving up on me and that they finally just couldnt deal with that horrible person I was.
Now, My marraige is gettting back to great and my girls and I are doing what Moms and little girls should do....Laughing and having fun. And my friends are happy to have me back.
I am happy to be back!
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