The MAIN Reason I Am Going To Stay Clean

[mshell62]

I have held back in telling this experience.  Only a couple of you know.  It has been too painful to relay until now.  I truly tell it in hopes that some will benefit from it.

December 12 - less than a month ago, we found my beloved sister dead in her apartment.  

She was only two yrs older than me - she was 47.  She was a beautiful, beautiful woman.  She was my best friend.  I could tell her ANYTHING.  

She had gotten Rheumatoid arthritis at 34 yrs old.  She got on steroids, and every pain medication you can think of.  The last pain med she got on was Tramadol.  I hadnt even heard of tramadol.  We (my parents/other siblings) knew she had an addiction problem.  We had talked to her about it in the past.  We had encouraged her to go to rehab, which she did, hating every minute of it, but she did it last year.

She was a divorced, single mom.  Her then 19 yr old son moved out last year.  She lived for this fella.  I dont think she ever got over him leaving home.. .something that was bound to happen one day.

I watched as her one beautiful body/face/hands became more and more deformed from the arthritis.  She loathed what she saw in the mirror.  She would do good for a while and then start taking the pain meds more than she was supposed to.

She knew I was addicted to Vicodin and Valium.  We would share.  oooh .. this is getting hard.  

We all live in the same town, and mom called me on that monday before the 12th and said she was worried my sister was "at it again".  I had talked to her and knew she was sounding desperate again.

I started looking up information on tramadol, and drug abuse.  I started making a document of this information to share with her.  I wanted to tell her I was going to taper off my junk.  Maybe we could do it together.

I never got a chance to get it to her.   We talked VERY often.  But, Wednesday when I called her she didnt answer.  Not a huge surprise, because her "clock" was SO off, she'd sleep all day and be awake all night.

Thursday at 6:30 pm, mom called me from her apt. saying her and dad were there, and my sister wasnt answering the door.    Mom was already crying.  We just knew.  I threw some clothes on to go over to her apartment.  Mom had hung up and then called back screaming.

Dad had to go around to the back of her apartment and break the glass to get inside.  He found her slouched over sitting at the kitchen table.  Gone.  Mom got a chance to just sit with her before the police came.  By the time I got there, they wouldnt let me in to see my sister.  I just wanted to hold her poor little hand one more time.

Tramadol killed her.  Her inability to stay away from it.  Her inability to cope with life.  

I will not allow a drug to do this to my family through me ever again.  

As the coroner wheeled her body (in a body bag, mind you) by me and my mom, brother,  I just stood in shock.  Could I have helped her more?  

I cry for her EVERY day.  I miss her terribly.  Yes, I am glad she is not suffering over there anymore.  I want to call her and tell her something only to remember she's gone.

Please, take this experience and think about what it would do to your loved ones, friends, family, your PETS, whoever.. for you to be gone.  Because "we chose to cover over life's realities with pills".  

I wont do this to my parents or to my children.  

I wont do this to myself.

[wait2long]

wow, girl you done good hun.  this is a story that has to be shared, i am so glad you did this and i know this will help someone....and you too. what a tragedy at such a young age, again my sincere condolences to you and your family, i cant fathom the pain.
i hope you get some form of release/relief from sharing this with everyone here.
and saving yourself for you and your family in the process...i am so very proud of you!  take care of yourself, extra pampering after this kind of post...XO!!

[mshell62]

You are a doll.  Thanks so much...

[oxyaddict420]

I had no idea.. we talked so much too, I thought you would have told me that..But it must be hard..  I so sorry for your loss, and am so very happy you are getting and staying clean as well!  She would be very proud of you to know you quit!

I had my favorite relative my unlce pass away at age 32 from a pain pill overdose and he was trying to get me back on track at the time as well. mind you I was only 16 yrs old..  I don't mean to take away from your story or anything, but I felt the urge to share my loss with you as well.. This story has made me very sad in so many ways, and very happy for you in others!

I AM PROUD OF YOU

YOU ARE CLEAN

YOU WILL CONTINUE TO DO THIS ONE DAY AT A TIME

[buttercups]

I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face. Oh sweetie, I am so sorry for your loss. I want to just give you a great big hug.
I can't think of a whole lot to say, 'cause that choked me up so much, but thank you so much for sharing such a personal tragedy, because I know it will probably save someone who reads it.

~my deepest condolences to you and your Family.

[allaboutmary]

Words just can't describe how sorry I am for your loss.  I have 2 sister's and we are very close and all live within 5 minutes of each other.  I can't even imagine losing one of them. You should be so proud of yourself for being so strong at such a difficult time.  My thoughts are with you.   Mary

[troubleinohio]

I am so very sorry! I had no idea this happened. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope you family finds peace soon and you will be in my prayers

[mshell62]

I cannot thank all of you enough.

I had a great day yesterday, but for some reason, a really terrible night last night.  I am on day 6.  Maybe it is one last kick in the pants from getting off the Vic or maybe telling that experience just brought all the "stuff" to the surface.

I am glad I did, though.  

Ya'll are incredibly kind.  Yes, I think she would be proud of me.  She always was no matter what.  

I wonder if she posted in some forum like I am doing before she died.  I told mom last night that we could find out my looking through her harddrive on her PC - (my brother in law does that stuff).  If she did post somewhere, I think her "friends online" should know.

Thanks again for all the love.

[bmc1976]

I can relate and feel for you. Almost three years ago my older sister passed away. She was 31. We knew she had a drug problem but with her living in california the rest of us in IL our hands were somewhat tied. Five months prior to her death I talked to my dad about it and he sat her down and talked to her. Of course she said she didn't have a problem. I was at my mom's house when she recieved a call from the hospital. She was on life support and that was the only thing keeping her alive. All of her organs had shut down. My mom and dad flew out there right away to see her for the last time. My mom and dad hadn't talked for over 6 years because of their divorce. That was the first time in 6 years they even saw each other. They had to make the decision to take her off of life support. They sat there and watched her pass. It has been extremely difficult on our family. My mom and dad are taking it the worse. I have 2 younger sisters also. A day doesn't go by without thinking about her. I just thought I'd share my story because there a many people everyday that pass away from drug abuse. We all need to realize how it effects so many more people than just ourselves.

[glo308]

Wow.  Your strength is amazing.  Not only have you had the will to get through the WDs, but deal with that at the same time.  

My heart goes out to you for your loss and you are someone I can look up to for strength when I am feeling weak.

You should be very proud of yourself, don't look back, look forward as that is all we can affect in life.  You are doing GREAT!!!!!

[mshell62]

BMC:  
So sorry to hear about you sister.  It is aweful.  Parents should have to bury their children.  How aweful, to be there when that child comes into this world, and then like your parents, be there when they leave.  It breaks my heart to think of my mom "holding my sister" while she was already gone... and to know dad was crying over my sister, feeling that she was already cold.  

Some may think: "Dont focus on those things", but I can't help it.  Thanks very much BMC for sharing.  It does help.  

GLO:  You are so very kind.  Every step of the way during this WD thing I have thought of my sister and especially my parents, children.  How they would feel if this happened again to them.  Losing another child.  

Basically, drug abuse is a selfish thing.  (my opinion). I told my brother and little sister, that they better be careful, use their seatbelt, etc etc... (they dont have abuse issues), but this loss in the family has been so hard that I tell them:  "I don't wanna do this ever again... or at least NOT for a long time!"  (bury a sibling).

Thanks for all of your support.