The Mental Aspect

Well here I find myself again in throws of day 5 sober.  I was trying to count the number of relapses I have had since this whole nightmare started 6 years ago and I couldn't even count that high.  Well on June 24, 2011, I promised it would be my last relapse and started with therapy.  Unfortunately like all the times in the past I relapsed for two days after 10 days then was good until August 8, my brothers birthday who has since passed on.  I got back on the clean horse 5 days ago and most of the physical is behind me, but the mental side, the disappointment, the shame, the thoughts about using and just accepting defeat as a drug addict dominate my thoughts.

I never thought I would say that getting through the physical WD is easy, but it barely bothers me.  The mental aspect is what is rough.  I am finally understanding addiction and that is is not about the drugs, it is about the thoughts, the behavior.  How can I finally get over this hump?  I want this so badly, I am so sick and tired of feeling this way

5 days ago I threw all my pills out, it was the first time, I did not plan to run out and quit.  I have 3-4x today had massive cravings where I almost caved.  When does this end?  I was sober for 8 months in 2008 but had no concept of addiction, I thought it was just about getting through the physical stuff, so these cravings and thoughts never really plaugued me.

Thanks for listening

[Innerstrength67]

Thank you for your honesty. I used Vicodin on and recreationally for 15 years but was never addicted until 2 years ago. After 1 1/2 years I was finally admitted into the hospital for detox. You would think after having to take disgusting medicine every 4 hours for 2 days, having my blood drawn every 6 hours for 2 days would have been the end for me. But just like you, it wasn't because I never really thought of myself as an addict. Your right, the mental aspect of this is so much harder because living life without being doped up is scary. But if all these people on this forum can do it, so can we. I just want you to know, I totally get what your saying. Hang in there!