The beginning of step 4...

My heart feels like it’s  bruised, and it’s heavy from holding in the red purple blood.  I feel lonely and isolated, because I know now that for the rest of my life I’ll no longer be able to deny who I am, or cover it up with drugs or sex.  I’ve crossed the line, and there’s no turning back now.  At 31, look what I’ve done, and what will I do with it now?  God please help me, help me to find something within myself that I can live with, help me to learn to love myself, so I can fully love others.  Please don’t let me live the rest of my life in my isolated in an emotional prison.  Thank you for letting me be strong enough to get a few pages on paper without too much fear.  Thank you for letting me see that I wasn’t quite as horrible as I once imagined.  Help me to do the rest, and give me the patience to not do it too fast. Guide me Lord, my will and my life belong to you.  I am your child, and my selfish, stubborn will is your to take.  I know that you’ll be there for me, and that all I have to do is BELIEVE that you love me.  I know that you will protect me, and you won't give me anything that you won't help me handle.

[IBKleen]

You talked about this yesterday. Again..you are starting your 4th step??? With your sponsor, or on your own?????? This is unreal. You read the basic text in what...two days? Fell in love on what..day 4??? Now you have..what...two weeks and you are doing your 4h step? Here in the forum?????

I gotta go..I can't do this.

[jenny8575309]

2. I am not in Love, I just like someone, not having sex with him, just talking...
3. I am not doing my fourth step in this forum, just writing about the way it made me feel.
4. You probly shouldn't kick someone when their down, and yes ridicule is kicking
5. What the hell do you care anyway, posting makes me feel better, if i'm so 'unreal' because I'm not like you, don't read my post.
6.  Pay attention to the details of my post before you generalize please, unless your obejective is to hurt, and if that's the case, can you find someone else to pick on? There are plenty of people who are still using, go find something wrong with them.

[avisg]

wow ,,,,,, a little harsh dont ya think ?

[jenny8575309]

mind your business. (again)

[IBKleen]

In case you didn't notice jenny..I am trying to help. Just like everyone else here. But all you do is post. You don't listen. Listen, work your recovery the way you see best. No problem. I thought you were here for help.

[avisg]

I am sorry but if you are going to post it on the forum ,,,it is my business and anyone else that chooses to respond to it ,,, if you cant handle that then don't post it..... she did not say anything hurtful she asked you questions ....
Like are your working on step four alone or with your sponsor ..... ECT ECT .........

[Gobig]

You doing your step 4 the NA way?  I'm doing it the AA way with the chart - as directed by my NA sponsor.  I'm starting after TG.

[flmagi]

Glad some people are still in touch with the reality.... that gives me hope.  thanks

[newhope61]

Sounds like you are having a roller coaster of emotions, up and down.  I'm on the huge down right now, but for now its okay, from talking to people on this forum, I know it's normal. Everyone here is about helping or at least as I see it so far. Don't get offended, I'd say they are trying to be helpful.

[jenny8575309]

Ok gusy I'm sorry for being such a fkn drama queen, but the truth is you all were right, you just didn't have to be so shocked an offended by it, I mean I'm an addict, I'm OBSESSIVE.  Honestly for some reason I haven't been able to call my sponsor, i do not feel comfortable with her.  I wrote alot of stuff down, stuff about me that I dind't want to remember, and now i feel like i'm 1 hour and 20 mins away from smoking some crack.. so if you guys want to try to talk me out of it, please feel free.  I'm so fkn scared, I was looking at my picture and seeing it as an obituary.  I repressed alot of things I let out, and i thought i was ok when i was writing, like i was freeing myself,  but i'm not ok, i'm shaking, and i feel possessed, well not possessed, but i feel my addiction possessing me, i know noone can stop me, but if you want please try. If not I'll call someone when i get home.. assuming of course i make it that far.  I'm not making this up.  I am most probably going to get ****** up when i leave.... and i don't want to.......something inside me let go of something important, i feel like i'm in a make believe world right now, i put my headphones on and all the songs are about drugs, or making me want to do drugs, i took em off and it sounds like my co-workers are laughing at me, their not, my arms keep tensing up and shaking and i smelled crack when i walked in the elevator.  I feel like i'm not real.

[newhope61]

Slow down, take a deep breath, and stay on the forum.  Dont leave until someone talks you out of where you are heading.  I"m not much help right now, I'm too new, but I know if I were feeling like you are I'd stay here, on the forum, especially if you don't feel comfortable with your sponsor. Please be more careful who you tell to mind their own business though, they may just be the people you need right now!!

[david0263]

Jenny, you really need to call someone in NA.  If you really feel,like using call the hotline for your area.  It works for me.  I don't have a sponsor yet because I am still trying to figure out who would be best for me, but I have phone numbers that I call every day.  If I did not have that I would be using already.  You have one more day clean than I do.  Don't give that up.  Fight the urge, call someone, but whatever you do don't use.  It will only make things worse.

david

[imanaddict]

It really sounds like you need to talk to someone about these emotions. Everything you said in your last post was extremely unhealthy. Please don't undo everything you have worked for up until now. It would be a huge let down to everyone who has been trying to  help you. None of us (that I know of) are trained to deal with these kind of things, we are all just a bunch of addicts trying to help one another out, and to let others know they aren't alone. YOU are not alone! The drugs you have done are making you think those horrible thoughts Jenny. Are you really willing to give in that easily? I don't think you are. You have been "obsessed" with your recovery which isn't such a bad thing.

How can you walk into your next NA meeting and look those people in the eye if you have recently used? You would not only let yourself down, but the people here and the people at NA, as well as anyone that loves you. THINK about it and keep posting until this blows over because IT WILL!

[avisg]

plz call your sponsor

[Stacy79]

Are you seeking some emotional/psychological help while you are trying to quit?  It sounds like you have a lot more going on than just the addiction.

[addictedme]

If IBs schedule is right then you need to forget about that 4th step and probably go back to step 1. This is not to ridicule but to help you.Your talking about doing something (steps) thats about a life gone by and a new one starting. I wouldnt suggest doing any step within your 1st 30 days because your still talking and thinking from your addiction and not your heart. The best thing you can do now is make meetings,use the phone and post.

[CATUF]

"i feel like i'm in a make believe world right now . . . I feel like i'm not real."

I've had that exact feeling in the before-time.  Along with it came the feeling that what I did, or what happened to me, didn't really matter - I wasn't real anyway.

It wasn't true for me.  It's not true for you.

I was just sick and I needed help.  I felt like I had let everyone down when I relapsed and I did hurt and scare my family.  It WAS hard to walk back into "the rooms."  I felt like an abject failure and I was sure they all felt like I'd let them down.  

However, the folks in the room didn't see it that way at all.  They were just glad I had made it back, because not everyone does, and they hoped I'd be able to say.  I'll never forget sitting there in the Mustard Seed meeting confessing what was no doubt obvious the second I walked in the door (as if they hadn't already known from my extended absence).  No one told me to leave.  No one looked at me with scorn or disgust.  Everyone looked at me with kindness and understanding - they had all been there before.  Everyone in that room understood the incomprehensible demoralization that I felt at that moment - they had all felt it deep in their own hearts.

One of them, George D. (who a quarter century ago had his own "slip" that lasted 14 years), said in words what they all had said with their eyes: "Welcome home, [CATUF].  We're delighted that you made it back."  It still brings tears to my eyes when I think of that moment.

Jenny, don't go some place from which you might not be able to return.  There are people who need you at home.  They will miss you if you go away from them.

CATUF

[Reddog1968]

Just My opinion but it appears you are going way to fast ... the first time it took Me 6 months with a sponsor to get to my first step *S* .. Hang in there .. Keep going back cause it works if ya work it !!

[Reddog1968]

I said first I meant 4th step hehe .. good luck

[girlybuff]

You don't DO the steps WHEN you feel better, you DO the steps TO feel better.



    

[addictedme]

So you feel that 17 days is sufficant time to do steps 1,2 and 3 and after reading her post that shes ready to do a thourogh and moral inventory with a sponser that she feels uncomfortable with?

[lurker]

remember this - the things you are writing down in your 4th step are things the addicted/using Jenny did - NOT the person you are now.  You are writing them down to own them, to realize where your using took you but not to go back and be that person again.  Take your time here, remember that you' have decided to become clean and sober and the people who love you will be there to support you as you get well but it doesn't happen fast.  When I quit drinking 13 years ago I didn't get thru the 4th step for almost a year and did the 5th at just after a year.  AND I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH  == you need a sponsor you are comfortable with or you won't get what you need and won't feel like calling him/her when you are stressed.  Look around and see if you can find someone else.  Talk to your sponsor about what is bothering you - it will help I promise.

[girlybuff]

It is not for me to judge.  If she feels she's ready then she's ready BUT she needs to do it with someone she's comfortable with.  Only she can make that decision.    Bill W. did his steps (ALL of them) in one day after being committed.  Who knows?
I did steps 4-8 in one afternoon and began knocking on doors to make amends.  I was given a week to make amends to the people I had direct contact with and another 2 weeks to write letters to those who either lived far away or who were unreachable because they were no longer alive and at that point I laid the letter on the grave so I really can't say what's best for her. Hopefully she  prays on it and finds the answer.  

[addictedme]

wow

[girlybuff]

The Big Book has 3 phrases that a lot of people miss because they are looking for "an easier softer way" and they are:
AT ONCE, and that this step work and dillignece thereafter is VITAL (necessary for life) and that we MUST commence immediately.......

This is what the Big Book promises us after we complete our first 8 steps.  I cannot say how true this really is for me and almost everyone I know who is truly living a sober life.    

NINTH STEP PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

    We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

    We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

    We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

    No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

    That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.

    We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

    Self-seeking will slip away.

    Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

    Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

    We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

    We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

    Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

[FLaddict]

I agree with so many people here its hard to process what I want to say. i do agree with Girlybuff, the steps are done to get better.not when we feel better. I did mine with my sponser guided by the Big Book and ''Joe and Charlie" tapes and worksheets for the 4th step. I was about 4-6 months clean when I did my 4th step the first time if I remember correctly.

I do however think based on reading Jenny's posts recently she is jumping the gun a bit.  this time in early recovery should be spent building a relationship with your sponser and going to as many meetings as possible and building relationships with the women in those meetings. should not worrying about the 4th step when you haven't gotten past 3. we have to live in today, not the past, and not the future.

[tzt2lady]

I think I was in between 60 - 90 days when I did my first 4th step.   It took months to complete and I met with my sponsor on two separate nights to go over it.

Jenny, keep writing.  It helps to get it down on paper.

Also, doing a 4th is like ripping a scab off an old wound.   It will hurt for awhile and I know I felt so exposed after admitting all this to myself and another.   It is normal to feel pain.  But it is necessary.

There is probably not going to be anyone who you feel "comfortable" reading your 4th step to.   Just do it though.   It is very vital.  
Remember it is only "A" fourth step.  Not "the" 4th step.  There will be more to come.   You dont have to get it all in one sweep.  Most of us would blow a circuit if we got it all out at once.

Keep taking action.   Action is the result of willingness, openmindedness, and honesty.

Good luck to you
tzt

[addictedme]

I guess thats how the program differs a bit from region to region. I live in a city on the west coast that has na meetings literally every hour thru out the day and night ( lots of meetings) and if you went to every one you"d never hear the big book mentioned,thats strictly aa here. Not to say that we dont know where the steps came from or what valuble tools aa has given us but we use the basic text and it works how and why.Thank God for the steps though no matter how or where you work them,,you guys have a good nite

[natalile]

What do i no about N/A nothing i have been to 1 meeting. But what do i no about you jenny from our short freiindship & long lasting i hope. Is that your 1 girl with balls hun. You have chatted, helee & taked me out of relspe.
Take time one your own. Yes call someone i will message you. But please jenny stay keep posting.
This void & this need for recovery in your life is one & the same. Your trying to fill the void with recovery & you are doing great in N/A. It wass you that gave me strength to go.
But please slow down breath let yourself have space. Your emotional coming back into the real world. Your body & brain are still addicted even though your not ill physicaly. You no all this i no. But remember this will pass. I think you really need to sort your sponesr. From your fist message & post i new you wern't happy with her. So it's gotta come from you to change that. Don't be worried about hurting your sponser's feeling's as i no you will. It's YOU & only YOU that matter's now so work on that for a while.  I don't no but why don't you try not to do eny work on eny of your step's for a day, just a day that's all & fill it with YOU time pamper yourself you need it. & so do's your body i no i don't no what i'm talking about with n/a like i said but please just keep posting & post whatever you feel like as your are part of us all in here. Where all with yu hun love natalie xxx My thought's are with you,

[jenny8575309]

thanks gusy, love you all, and I didn't use... I called my sponsor, I called my friends even though it felt like I was just humoring myself.  I can deal with this stuff, it's not the first time I've tried to deal with it.  I'm older, stronger, wiser and I am not alone this time.   Sorry if I jumped down anyone's throat, I know you guys were trying to help... I appreciate all the advice, and I'm not going to work anymore on step 4 until I'm ready, and I know that I am not.  Love to all of you!

[natalile]

I'm so glad you've come to that dissision. As it was making you unhappy & whateva make's you unhappy at the mo. Your a strong chick i'll give you that. & so glad you didn't relapse even if you had we'd of still been there for you hun. You learn as you go along. like you said we're all older older & wiser that's what make is that little bit easyer this time around. I say you've made it to step 3 with exellant enthusiasum, ( i no i carn't spell lol ). & your made it to a place by the sound's of it it take other's quite a bit to get to. I think it's the person & how ready they are to progress . Also knowing when to stop trying so hard as sometime's as addict's we push are self's to hard Enyway i don't even think that made sence. It did when i wrote it so it can stay. Well done. Did you tell your sponser your resivation's ? love nat xx :)

[MICHAEL_777]

Hang in there girl!  I wish I would have seen this yesterday and been able to post.  You are way stronger than you may think, and have already proved it by not taking.  Write that day down in big letters on you're calendar and look at it to remind yourself of your strength to overcome.  God is always with you along with many of his helpers.  Don't judge your past, create your future.  Love and Strength!!