The light at the end of the tunnel exists!!

I can remember so clearly the attempts I made at getting off opiates. I took em all vicodin, oxy's, morphine and eventually methadone. 8 years of my life, I gave to the drugs. I will probably never ever forget the withdrawals.
The weakness, the anxiety, the feeling as if I were the only person awake on sleepless nights...the literally thinking of ending my own life to just end it for once and all. The shame at
lying to family, friends and doctors. I remember thinking that it was useless and that there was NO WAY anyone could get off opiates.

I am writing this because I just had the best day. Everyday has been a little better since I walked away from opiates 8  1/2 months ago. The last week has made me realize it is over. I sleep like a baby. No restless legs. My anxiety is that
of a so called normal person who still has lifes ups and downs. Even a few days ago I was wondering when I would feel "normal"...has only been the last few days I realize..it IS better!!

I do not have the energy I had on the drugs. But, I'm not supposed...it's why I took them. I am not as euphoric without the drugs..but I am not supposed to be...it's why I took them. Guess what I am trying to say is that I finally GET IT!
What I have been waiting for is to feel "normal" and my normal was to be on opiates. THIS IS my new normal. And I
have not only adjusted to it...I am starting to love it.

Today I got so much done. One of the things I had to do was go to the hospital and get a few tubes of bllod drawn.
They are testing me to see if I am a match to donate a kidney to my 30 yr. old niece who has end stage kidney failure.
8 months ago I wouldnt have had this option. I wouldnt have been in a place where I could help save her life if I come
back a match. Her dr. and mine know I am an recovering drug abuser and they will work with me if I need any pain meds.
That was the only part that scared me...I didnt even want to be in the same room with an opiate..but they have re-assured me I will have support and they will work with me. But, it was so wonderful to be able to say I can help if needed.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is callled willpower and stamina. You gotta go into it with the knowledge that it is going to be damn hard and will take time ( specially if your coming off methadone...long withdrawal ) You have to know that it is going to suck..BUT IT ENDS. At least the withdrawals do..the being a drug addict is something you
have to work at for the rest of your life. It's up to you to make sure you have a support system and NA. I am finally oer withdrawals..I am not over being an addict.

I can also remember sitting in front of a computer finding sites like this. I was so sick. So weak. SO SAD AND LONELY.
I felt like nobody knew how much it hurt to be me. I would look for sites after punching in words like " how long are withdrawals". I wanted so badly to read the words " I did it and you can too". So, guess what? "I DID IT AND SO CAN YOU"! I pulled up strength I didnt even know I had. When I first started withdrawals I had no support at all..I was alone. I had to go out and find my support where ever I could.  I would say everday..I will give it another week and see if I feel better...and at the end of the week I would give it another..until it turned into months. And I garauntee you the day will come when you realize that you are not only going to live...your going to start LOVING life again. Food tastes better, the sun feels incrediable on your face. Music sounds better...you start to FEEL again. And the big one..you WILL laugh again. And not because of any drug in your body,  but because you feel damn good!! And part of that feeling good is because you OWN your life again..not any drug. And because you will feel as I do right now..so freaking proud. Your gonna have to go thru hell to get to heaven...but it is so worth it!! Never give up. :)

[waterLilly7]

thanks so much for this awsome inspiring post, and congrats to you for 8 1/2 months!!
yes, it can be done!!!

hugs!
Lily

[tavia14]

OMG!!! Thank you so much for sharing..You describe me well the me that I am now and also the me I want to be!!!! Needed this soooo much right now!!!!! Thank you for sharing and helping believe I CAN do this!!!

[farmgal944]

you can do it. I may sound strong now, but I was not then...I just kept fighting day by day. I wanted it SO BAD and I have it now. And you can too. I wanted someone to give me a magic number. To tell me it will be over in 10-20-30 days. But, everyones magic number is different...but you DO have that number and it will come. Just hang on and fight like you have never fought before. You are literally fighting for your life that opiates have taken over..you CAN have it back again. Thank you for your responses...:)

[tavia14]

OK, I am going to need your help..PLEASE!! I just posted so if you have a sec to read my post you can see where I am...after meeting with the therapist I'm going to make a date to jump! I'm thinking of maybe a week?1 I just need to be prepared and I will only have my therapist and you guys since no one knows :( but I DO want this more than ANYTHING in the world!! Thank you.. I will need the "you can do this" frequently!!

[farmgal944]

And you can do it!! lol...hate to keep saying that but it is so true!!  I dont know much about tapering because I was not very good at it!! If it was there...I took it. I just had to do cold turkey off the methadone. I also eventually found a drug abuse therapist to go to..she was priceless to me as she was also once an opiate addict and really "got it".

[conhall]

Thanks for the great post! I am truly happy for you I could feel your happiness over the computer gave me a great feeling! I actually said YES out Loud good job keep up the good work.
Be proud of yourself!

[candy_17]

Awesome post!! Thank you very much for sharing this!! Congratulations to you:) I was just telling someone yesterday on a post that the one thing I hear every recovering addict say is 'I just want to feel normal again" lol I'm not sure if I know what normal even feels like but I'm sure I will know it when I feel it because like you spoke of ALL of my five senses have gotten 10 times stronger and its amazing!! I also laugh now when before when in active addiction I was stressed, angry, or crying all of the time. Life is getting better for me everyday too and I'm looking forward to normal:) thank you again for posting, such an inspiration!!  

[Brightfutureahead]

Hey awesome post farmgal! I like what you said about the energy and euphoria aspects. I think back to how much of a lush I was...I just rode that fake energy all day. And those euphoric feelings - our bodies are just not made that way- we aren't supposed to feel like that all of the time- those high highs (and the crashing lows)- its just so unnatural!

And in our early stages of recovery we want to just be 'fixed' with the snap of a finger, or after a set amount of days. Well we all know that's not how the story goes. We have to ante up and dig our heels deep as we have been abusive to ourselves for so long.

It's funny you touched on that because I've been thinking about that a lot...again, congrats!  So encouraging

[daysoffourlives]

Wow!!  Hopeful! Inspiration! Awesome! Wonderful! Four beautiful words that discribe my thoughts for you!  I am a fighter now in the battlefield, I am awaiting for the freshness air to come I am on day 2 for the stupid relapse that I made 11 days ago after being clean for a month, I love your post till the fullest, you gave me hope and runs my mind to being addiction free from heroin! I hope to do it and not only do it but fulfil it just like you did! Finally,,,,  encouragement please!!!  Lol