Aa
The other person
Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now and I cannot recall the times he has done coke behind my back..not come home...just cancel plans last minute because he is too messed up.Its been far too many to keep count. When we first started dating I didnt know he had such a bad problem. Apparently, before I came along, he was actually worse..doing almost every other day. Now, it has become more like every other week. But still,I feel like it is really hurting our relationship. I am miserable sometimes because I feel hopeless, exhausted..I dont know what to do or say anymore. I gave him so many chances and finally an ultimatum to get help this time.If he doesnt get rehab or something I was planning to just start detaching myself...even though that is really going to break my heart completely=(. Finally, he is going to talk to his psych from years ago. I know he loves me and I know addiction is a disease that is hard to overcome. I just want to know if anyone out there knows what I can do. I love this man so much but I just feel this hole in my heart all the time because we have this problem. Everything else in our relationship is fine..but this is just ruining my trust for him, hopes for a future together.I am planning to attend PA school and I always study! so when this **** happens I cant even think! If anyone knows what "the other person" can do to help I would appreciate it. I know it is up to him to change, I feel like if it wasnt for me he wouldnt even get help...but what can I DO?=(
Please help..
Please help..
Your boyfriend is lucky to have someone like you. I hope you can help him and he can overcome this addiction. I know it hurt to read some of the responses but most people here have been through the exact same thing. They are all just looking out for you. People can change. I think people on here just don't want to see you go down a long road of struggles. It's great you 2 are getting counseling. It's good you're trying everything you can to help him. I wish you and him the best of luck!
brian
brian
Thank you everyone for you reply.I was almost in tears when I read a few comments..and I know what everyone is trying to say...I am aware that life moves on and so do you if things are just not meant to be...I will move on if things do not work out....but... can't give up yet I guess...We are going to counseling this Wednesday because he wants to get help...I think he's also had enough...I know this is a long road and I understand how hard it is to let go...but we'll see what happens... I guess you can say I have faith in people... I believe that you can help others overcome this disease...My future goal is to provide care for others...I know its not the same to help a stranger as oppose to your friend,family or significant other...and I know this is probably the most difficult thing to help someone with because of their compliance..But I have faith that if I dont help..someone.. someday WILL...and I know that this help only comes to those who seek it.
I guess deep down inside... I wish everyone who had an addiction would just realize this sooner than later...including my boyfriend.
My dad never realized this and I lost him when I was 10. My mom moved and and left him becaus she couldnt take it anymore.She moved on...she was happy and she is happy...but He died a very depressed and lonely man.
I know from experience the two sides of this story...
THANK YOU..its good to know that you not alone.
I guess deep down inside... I wish everyone who had an addiction would just realize this sooner than later...including my boyfriend.
My dad never realized this and I lost him when I was 10. My mom moved and and left him becaus she couldnt take it anymore.She moved on...she was happy and she is happy...but He died a very depressed and lonely man.
I know from experience the two sides of this story...
THANK YOU..its good to know that you not alone.
It is our human nature to feel like WE are the only ones who can help this person. I know what you are going through. I've lost my mother in law to addiction- and (I know, I know- this does not sound right) but she was my best friend. We trained horses together, went shopping, she was my role model- good Christian woman who take care of her family, fed them 3 square meals a day, did all their laundry. My husband and I married at 19- and the thing that made me want to marry him the most was his mother. His family- so centered, so together, so full of life.
It's been almost 14 years now that my "mom" (inlaw) has been my best friend. Her alchohol abuse started slowly, and built to a point where she could not even sleep for an hour without getting up to take a drink. Vodka, straight up- she used to fool us by putting it into a water bottle, and I just thought she was well hydrated.
She loved us so much, she tortured herself for not being able to quit. We loved her so much, there was nothing we wouldn't do for her to get her back. I gave up a year of my life to her addiction- I had to be here for her every week when she wanted to "dry out" and nurse her through horrifying withdrawls for days- draw her hot bathes, give her tea, stroke her hair, and stay up with her for hours. She'd go home, and 2 days later she was drunk again. It was a horrible cycle. I spent 6000 the first time she went into "detox" at the hospital. I spent $12,000 at Schick-Shadel hospital for her. She is uninsured. She stayed clean for 90 days, then went back into the bottle. I felt so betrayed, yet I understood. I was the only person who could "find her" when she would run off in the middle of the night in a rage, and want to kill herself. My father in law was distraught, she would talk about killing him all the time, she hated everyone and anyone who said "you have a problem" -- except for me. I felt it was my obligation, my duty- Family is the most important thing in the world. I never gave up on her, no matter what the cost was to me.
And then... she put my child in danger. She wanted to be "worlds best grandma"-- and he loved her so much-- but she was not capable of making good decisions. She let him play in her car- with the keys in it- when he was barely 2 years old. He locked himself in with the remote, in the middle of summer. She couldn't get him out- and it took her a very long time to make the decision to call 911. He was locked in a hot car for 30 minutes. He suffered dehydration, and had to be treated. I'm lucky I didn't lose my only child that day... Yet still...
How could I deny her? She would forget to actually attach his seat belt to the car seat, and he would go flying across her car when she raced around corners. She'd tell me about it later, laughing about her "absent-mindedness".
My daycare center called me one day, and told me that they had made the "tough decision" that they could no longer allow him to be picked up by his grandma. They could smell her from a mile away, she was so saturated, and they did not want to assume the liability of letting him go home with someone intoxicated. There were other things that happened, but it would take me forever to explain them all.
I know what you are going through, and I know what you will go through until you understand that it's OK for you to let go- it is not your responsibility to make sure the person does not die if you aren't around. Please trust me, I've been going through this for a long time- and I grieve daily for our loss. I've suffered depression because of it. It's as if she is dead- but she's not, and that makes it harder. I have to stop myself from picking up the phone to check on her all the time. She's mentally not capable of rational thinking- and any recovered or recovering addict will probably happily chime in here and tell you that while they are an addict, they are not capable of truely loving or caring about anyone- including themselves- because their world revolves around filling the need for their addiction. It is NOT THEIR FAULT. Your feelings of hostility or anger over your boyfriends behavior are NOT warrented, and wasted emotional energy for you. He can not help it, but he's the only one who can help himself. Your love will never be enough to get him well. While he will desperatly want to be well for you, and for his family, because he does love you and not want to hurt you, he can not control it.
I hope that he decides to get help, and I hope that you understand that YOU matter too- and you need to move forward with your life, and have it destroyed by his disease. I know he didn't ask for this- and he didn't anticipate this- none one can or would. Things happen for a reason, and losing you probably won't send him right into rehab- but hopefully one day all of the puzzle pieces will fit together for him- and he will get the help he needs.
I'm sorry for the long post, but it's hard to help someone understand in a few words what has taken me and my family 2 years to learn.
In summary- the best thing the "other person" can do to help an addict is make sure they know how much you love them and care about them, no matter what. Make sure they know that you are leaving because you absolutely need to take care of YOU, and not because they are a bad person. Addicts aren't bad people- usually, just the opposite, they are probably the best person you've ever known, and that's why it's so hard to do what must be done.
Stop giving him ultimatums, and stop giving him chances. Stop getting mad, stop fighting-- that only allows him to feel victimized- or vindicated- and distracts him from the real problem.
Just tell him how much you love him, and how much you understand that this is not who he is, and it's not his fault- but that you can not carry the burden of being the only person who will take care of him and love him unconditionally. YES, this is all MUCH MUCH easier said then done, which is why- no matter how lame it seems to you- you should get support (as you are doing today), try a group like AA for the family of the AA (ALANON??), and consider getting into regular counselling.
I thought the whole thing was a stupid idea myself, and who needs counselling or support groups when you are a put-together business woman with a great career like myself, who also has a strong family around her?
The answer is, while you may be strong enough to cope with it yourself, it's very nice not to have to.
Hang in there... you deserve to be happy too.
It's been almost 14 years now that my "mom" (inlaw) has been my best friend. Her alchohol abuse started slowly, and built to a point where she could not even sleep for an hour without getting up to take a drink. Vodka, straight up- she used to fool us by putting it into a water bottle, and I just thought she was well hydrated.
She loved us so much, she tortured herself for not being able to quit. We loved her so much, there was nothing we wouldn't do for her to get her back. I gave up a year of my life to her addiction- I had to be here for her every week when she wanted to "dry out" and nurse her through horrifying withdrawls for days- draw her hot bathes, give her tea, stroke her hair, and stay up with her for hours. She'd go home, and 2 days later she was drunk again. It was a horrible cycle. I spent 6000 the first time she went into "detox" at the hospital. I spent $12,000 at Schick-Shadel hospital for her. She is uninsured. She stayed clean for 90 days, then went back into the bottle. I felt so betrayed, yet I understood. I was the only person who could "find her" when she would run off in the middle of the night in a rage, and want to kill herself. My father in law was distraught, she would talk about killing him all the time, she hated everyone and anyone who said "you have a problem" -- except for me. I felt it was my obligation, my duty- Family is the most important thing in the world. I never gave up on her, no matter what the cost was to me.
And then... she put my child in danger. She wanted to be "worlds best grandma"-- and he loved her so much-- but she was not capable of making good decisions. She let him play in her car- with the keys in it- when he was barely 2 years old. He locked himself in with the remote, in the middle of summer. She couldn't get him out- and it took her a very long time to make the decision to call 911. He was locked in a hot car for 30 minutes. He suffered dehydration, and had to be treated. I'm lucky I didn't lose my only child that day... Yet still...
How could I deny her? She would forget to actually attach his seat belt to the car seat, and he would go flying across her car when she raced around corners. She'd tell me about it later, laughing about her "absent-mindedness".
My daycare center called me one day, and told me that they had made the "tough decision" that they could no longer allow him to be picked up by his grandma. They could smell her from a mile away, she was so saturated, and they did not want to assume the liability of letting him go home with someone intoxicated. There were other things that happened, but it would take me forever to explain them all.
I know what you are going through, and I know what you will go through until you understand that it's OK for you to let go- it is not your responsibility to make sure the person does not die if you aren't around. Please trust me, I've been going through this for a long time- and I grieve daily for our loss. I've suffered depression because of it. It's as if she is dead- but she's not, and that makes it harder. I have to stop myself from picking up the phone to check on her all the time. She's mentally not capable of rational thinking- and any recovered or recovering addict will probably happily chime in here and tell you that while they are an addict, they are not capable of truely loving or caring about anyone- including themselves- because their world revolves around filling the need for their addiction. It is NOT THEIR FAULT. Your feelings of hostility or anger over your boyfriends behavior are NOT warrented, and wasted emotional energy for you. He can not help it, but he's the only one who can help himself. Your love will never be enough to get him well. While he will desperatly want to be well for you, and for his family, because he does love you and not want to hurt you, he can not control it.
I hope that he decides to get help, and I hope that you understand that YOU matter too- and you need to move forward with your life, and have it destroyed by his disease. I know he didn't ask for this- and he didn't anticipate this- none one can or would. Things happen for a reason, and losing you probably won't send him right into rehab- but hopefully one day all of the puzzle pieces will fit together for him- and he will get the help he needs.
I'm sorry for the long post, but it's hard to help someone understand in a few words what has taken me and my family 2 years to learn.
In summary- the best thing the "other person" can do to help an addict is make sure they know how much you love them and care about them, no matter what. Make sure they know that you are leaving because you absolutely need to take care of YOU, and not because they are a bad person. Addicts aren't bad people- usually, just the opposite, they are probably the best person you've ever known, and that's why it's so hard to do what must be done.
Stop giving him ultimatums, and stop giving him chances. Stop getting mad, stop fighting-- that only allows him to feel victimized- or vindicated- and distracts him from the real problem.
Just tell him how much you love him, and how much you understand that this is not who he is, and it's not his fault- but that you can not carry the burden of being the only person who will take care of him and love him unconditionally. YES, this is all MUCH MUCH easier said then done, which is why- no matter how lame it seems to you- you should get support (as you are doing today), try a group like AA for the family of the AA (ALANON??), and consider getting into regular counselling.
I thought the whole thing was a stupid idea myself, and who needs counselling or support groups when you are a put-together business woman with a great career like myself, who also has a strong family around her?
The answer is, while you may be strong enough to cope with it yourself, it's very nice not to have to.
Hang in there... you deserve to be happy too.
I just left a 3.5 yr. relationship with a man who is addicted to crack...I, like you thought that if I love him enough and support him through all his problems then he will wake up one day and say "I'm done, I have to much to lose". It's a great fantasy....
My ex did the same things that your bf is doing. Lying about money, going behind my back, and hanging out with the resident scum bags that would love to call my house because the ex gave them my number. It's an exsistance that will slowly eradicate your self confidence, your trust and finally your sanity. I truly know because that's what it did to me.
Something else to think about: addiction is a progressive disease. Over the last couple of yrs. the ex lost a 6 figure job, good friends, family and also his self respect. In the end our relationship became physically and emotionally abusive and even though I loved him--still do--I needed to leave. It was hard but it was the best thing for ME...as far as the ex is concerned, I know he hasn't received any in-patient or out-patient help and even though his family says he doing well it's hard for me to believe it. Normally an addiction like the one your describing about your bf needs in-patient treatment--and HE needs to want it.
Please listen to what the other posters have said...especially Lizzie Lou, I like the way she broke it down for you. It seems different broken down like that, right? I seriously wish I had listened to others and more importantly to my own intuition and left sooner. I lost so much with this man. But now even though I still care I am becoming ME again and it feels good. Good luck to you.
My ex did the same things that your bf is doing. Lying about money, going behind my back, and hanging out with the resident scum bags that would love to call my house because the ex gave them my number. It's an exsistance that will slowly eradicate your self confidence, your trust and finally your sanity. I truly know because that's what it did to me.
Something else to think about: addiction is a progressive disease. Over the last couple of yrs. the ex lost a 6 figure job, good friends, family and also his self respect. In the end our relationship became physically and emotionally abusive and even though I loved him--still do--I needed to leave. It was hard but it was the best thing for ME...as far as the ex is concerned, I know he hasn't received any in-patient or out-patient help and even though his family says he doing well it's hard for me to believe it. Normally an addiction like the one your describing about your bf needs in-patient treatment--and HE needs to want it.
Please listen to what the other posters have said...especially Lizzie Lou, I like the way she broke it down for you. It seems different broken down like that, right? I seriously wish I had listened to others and more importantly to my own intuition and left sooner. I lost so much with this man. But now even though I still care I am becoming ME again and it feels good. Good luck to you.
Most of us addicts are wonderful, careing , loving people.....as long as you don't mess with the main love of our life,..our drugs. If we are still useing, they are number 1 to us, the most important thing in our life. They come before our spouses, children, homes, jobs, health etc. This is a fact. We still love you, but you're #2.
So, are you willing to take the back seat, be the mistress, second in line? Are you willing to be lied to? Accept what love is leftover after the drugs get more attention?
He may change and get clean, but HE will have to make that choice. Are you willing to give him the ultimatum of you or the drugs? Don't be surprised at the answer.
So, are you willing to take the back seat, be the mistress, second in line? Are you willing to be lied to? Accept what love is leftover after the drugs get more attention?
He may change and get clean, but HE will have to make that choice. Are you willing to give him the ultimatum of you or the drugs? Don't be surprised at the answer.
I was/am in your shoes. My bf and I had a baby together, it was while I was pregnant that I discovered he had a huge drug problem. I put up with the lies, disappearing acts, more lies, stolen money, all of that until I just couldnt take it anymore. My happiness and our dd's meant way more to me. I kicked him out w/ him knowing all it would take to make our relationship work was to get clean. He was gone for about two weeks or so and called and said he was ready to get clean. I took him to rehab in Dec and he is still there. We still have our ups and downs, he dealing w/ being clean, and me dealing w/ all the hurts, but he is a great man, and a wonderful dad. Seeing his eyes clear again is a dream come true. I wish you the best and you have to do what you chose, but you alone cannot make him change. He must want it for himself. So ultimately you have to decide for yourself how much you are willing to take.
Tiffiny
Tiffiny
I know it is easier said than done. Ask yourself this, do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life? Not saying he will not get clean. I hope that he does and the possibility is there. He just hasn't changed it 4 years. It just might take you leaving for him to realize what he has lost. You have been very supportive towards him and that is great. You just need to try something that might get him to change. Sometimes tough love can be the best remedy. I feel for you in your situation and hope it all turns out well for you.
isn't he leaving you every time he goes and gets high? this kind of problem does not get better under any circumstance. It will only get worse unless he decides to get help. You cannot do it for him or make him. If he decides to get help because you said so or you gave him the ultimatum then it fail and then the lies will get more and more out of control. You are asking for advice from people who have been there themselves and they are being completely honest with you from experience and they know the only thing you can do is get out before he destroys you along with himself. Can you imagine what life will be in the future swith an addict who is not clean for a husband. If he is going to get help it will be because he has decided he can't live without you. If you stay he has no reason to gett help. Why should he change this has worked for the both of you for 4 years.
Nobody is trying to make you feel bad or tell you what to do but if you ask a question in here nobody is going to lie to you or just tell you what you want to hear. That is what happens in the real world with people we love and who are addicts..
Sorry and good luck!!
Nobody is trying to make you feel bad or tell you what to do but if you ask a question in here nobody is going to lie to you or just tell you what you want to hear. That is what happens in the real world with people we love and who are addicts..
Sorry and good luck!!
please listen to what YOU said in your post:
4 years
doing coke behind my back
dont come home
cancels plans
too messed up
too many ties to count
bad problem
every other week (which i highly doubt)
hurting our relationship
miserable
hopeless
exhausted
so many chances
ruining my trust
this is what you have chosen to put up with?
4 years
doing coke behind my back
dont come home
cancels plans
too messed up
too many ties to count
bad problem
every other week (which i highly doubt)
hurting our relationship
miserable
hopeless
exhausted
so many chances
ruining my trust
this is what you have chosen to put up with?
thats easier said than done...I know he is a good person,everything else about him is great, but this is his biggest problem! Are you telling me that every addict needs to be left alone..to what? to die?eventually...
Imagine this is someone you love and care about..your friend,your brother, your husband...seriously..what do you do? just leave them? =(
Imagine this is someone you love and care about..your friend,your brother, your husband...seriously..what do you do? just leave them? =(
Sounds like a very tough situation. I know you really want to help, but it is up to him. If he wants help, then he will get it. All you can really do is encourage him. I know you really want to be with him, but if you stay you have a long road ahead of you. Maybe leaving would be the best thing for him. Maybe losing you will make him get the help he needs. I would say also look into the future. If you want kids, do you want them growing up around that? I'm not really sure what advice to give. But, if he hasn't changed in 4 years, will he? In my opinion (not saying it is right at all), but I would move on. I know you really care for him so it is very tough. I just want to wish you the best of luck with your situation.
Brian
Brian
I hate to say it but you have to leave this guy or he will bring you down. If you don't think that he will attempt to expliot your RX privlidges once you are a PA your crazy. He is an addict and unless he wakes up and goes to rehab there is no way for you to stay together. Beyound that you need to take a close look at yourself and wonder what makes you want to be with a guy that is an addict and beyound that think about the fact that he has been an addict the entire time you have known him. All you can do is give him an ultimatum and if he doesnt go to rehab you need to move on. Simply loving someone is not enough for a healthy relationship.
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