This is not easy

[Tommyco]

My Brainis literally trying to do Anything it can to get me to use
I'm trying to stay positive but damn
Old habits die hard
It's like the devil has it out for me
All these ways to get high are just falling in my lap
How did you guys get past day two?
Trying my best to stay strong
Xoxo

[stilltrying1965]

Tommy im a heroin addict clean 240 days. It was geez well real hard work to get clean. I used to use w/ds as another excuse to use. W/ds are not nice there not ment to be Its one week that you will feel unwell. But after the  w/ds thats when i foundit harder to stop than the actuall w/ds. tommy you got to want it bad real bad, and if you do.Your whole life will change.Mines has. After 13yrs of battling heroin iv never been clean as long and you know what Tommy im happy again. Best of luck to you on your journey ,,,,,,,,James

[gnarly_1]

HI Tommy.....I just wanted to encourage you to give this another shot....some times it takes
a try or two to make it stick...your so young to be walking with such a burden you dont have to live like this any more...I detoxed off methadone....it took me 8 1/2 mo of tapering going in and out of withdrawals it seamed hopeless at times...it was my faith in God and this forum
that got me threw what at times seamed like it was going to be impossible...I dont know if you believe in God our not....im not here to shove him down your throat but if your open to it
Jesus has much love and grace to give....he was a huge part of my recovery still is
pray with all your heart that he gives you the strength to go threw this...I know its difficult
I struggled for the better part of a yr....realistically  your looking at around a week to detox
then follow up the rest of your life with aftercare to keep you clean look at it like ketching the flu...the symptoms are a lot the same with some added anxiety you could get threw a case of the flu you can get threw this....this forum will be your life line wile going threw this we all want to see you succeed keep posting for support will help all we can but it up to you to make the effort ...you got to want it bad...but if you do its within reach good luck and God bless......Gnarly    

[RitzBitz]

Oh Tommyco, you are even younger than my daughters. Beleive me sweetie, you have so many wonderful years ahead of you.  Hang in there.  It's hard to imagine how someone we live with can't SEE the trouble we are in.  I have often wondered the same thing, why the people who love me can't see that I'm in trouble. But it's because we are good actresses.  That 2 person thing. We all do it. And like you, I'm so tired of it.  It takes to much, and I feel like a liar and a cheat.  But you can do it.  Relapse is part of recovery. There is a lot of help out there, go for it, and we are here if you need us.

[lifewithoutcoke]

Believe me, you are not alone. Relapsed over and over more times than I can count. You know this. Time to pick yourself up off the ground and dust yourself off again. I know about not being able to look at myself in the mirror after getting clean. But you have to go through that pain and horror before you can heal. The sooner you deal with it, the sooner you can begin to move through it ( I say move through it and not move past it, because you won't be whizzing by it, you'll be right in it). It has to be done.

Try a meeting, as soon as you can. At the very least, listening to others share will get you out of your head for an hour....

Also, sent you a message for a link, I hope you read it:)

[laurel453]

Hi , welcome here ...

it would be much better if you start a thread with your post and story so that the members get to know you and help you... this way your post won't  get overlooked and you need help cause you are in a really tough situation and there are people with much experience than me , for instance, i wish i could help you..

[throwindatowl]

  Dont be to hard on yourself. wd during a vacation with your man doesnt sound like a good idea to me. Almost nobody quits first time. Almost nobody quits without help. Meetings are important. You can talk and get things off your chest. They listen very well. I feel awesome when I walk out of a meeting. Dont be hard on yourself thats the most important thing you can do. Well all be here for ya. Some of us will have our success story to tell. Some will not. Thats ok. One huge thing helping me is the cat is out of the bag for me. My family and friends all know whats up. If he knew and told he would leave, wouldnt that give you some REAL motivation. You cant quit without motivation. You stated he would leave if you couldnt. You can though. We all  have skeletons in the closet. Remember the truth always come out in the end. Dont give up on yourself! Not fair to you or him for that matter. Im going to a meeting tonight. You should too. It really does help.

[stuckreallystuck]

I was reading your posts and wow......what do I do.??  I have been seeing a pain mngmt. doc for fibromyalgia.  For 8 years I've worn a duragesic 75 mg/hr patch, changing every 2 days, taking oxycontin 80 mg. 3 times daily, 30 mg of oxycodone 4 times a day for breakthru pain, klonopin, 2 mg. at night to sleep, soma, 350 mg. 4 times a day, prozac 80 mg. a day, and isordil as needed for occaisional chest pain.. Last week he dropped me as a patient.  I had a urine test which was fine, but my pill count was off...it really wasn't but he didn't let me explain he just dropped me, gave me 15 days of tapering meds and thats itl........I don't have a clue what to do here.  Withdrawal on top of the fibro, and the chest pains.....any suggestions ???  

[Zulli]

Oh sweetheart.... I'm so sorry. My daughter went through the same thing with her husband. When she went cold turkey a couple of years ago, he thought she never used again. He told her he would leave her if she ever did because he would not go through that again. However, she failed miserably going cold turkey and started using again, living a lie with him that she hated herself for. She went through EXACTLY what you are going through. She would have to carefully plan vacations so that she would have enough of her DOC to get her through the week. She once got delayed in Las Vegas and ran out of her DOC and had to pretend to be sick for two days instead of getting out and enjoying the city.

When she decided to get clean again (THANK GOD), she told him. He didn't leave her. He's standing by her side and is helping her. He sees the change in her and likes what he sees. She is, however, using Suboxone to help her get off her DOC and so it's not as bad as going cold turkey.

Maybe it won't be so bad if you told him. You said you're in Tokyo... Is your man Asian? My son-in-law is Asian. I think they have a sense of responsibility to care for those whom they love because regardless of what my son-in-law told my daughter, he did not leave her and has been even more supportive than ever.

The bottom line is that you need to get clean. If only to save your own life, sweetie. I wish you the best of luck. I wish there was something I could do...this is just heartbreaking..

[dominosarah]

As long as you keep living this lie recovery wont happen.  You have to put yourself above everything else, no matter what.  All the things you want to happen can, but only when you get honest.  You have it in you, now fight for you~~~~~~sara

[Tommyco]

Andrew, Laurel thank you
Its tough to hear but I know I need to hear it
I keep thinking I can have the best of both worlds and suffer no consequences, that somehow miraculously everything will work out perfectly seamlessly for me
Such ridiculous ludacris thinking
What goes around comes around and I can't keep playing this game and not get caught
This is my life, reality here not fantasy
I'm coming up wiu excuses on the Thomas recipe  too you're right. I'm in Tokyo not mars.
If I'm going to do this it has to be all the way
The stakes are too high, it's my life, heroin is not an option any more
Before I relapsed today do you know how ******* unbelievable my addict thinking was? I was reading some peoples posts and journals and a lot of people were in active addiction for 13+ years and this sick part of me was jealous
I'm 21 using since 18 or so and I know the amount vie already lost times the years I could waste is unfathomable but still
Addiction is a sick twisted cunning disease and I hate the *****
    

[laurel453]

and i agree with Andrew... getting well is above anything else and you have to be ready to pay any price , it is worth it, once you get healthy you can start to rebuild your life but if you keep using you will lose everything so... what's the point ?

[laurel453]

Listen, Tommy ... i have been where you are, we have all been feeling this way, feeling like you are and the first thing you have to do is ... stop thinking what you have done, focus on the illness you have and that there is nothing bad on wanting to get better... leave the morals aside now, it is a matter of saving your life.... if you were struggling with any other illness , would you be making a moral inventory or just taking all the steps in order to get well ? This is a disease that plays a lot with our emotions, you have gone through years of diminishing who you are... break this cycle by taking the first step... don't be scared of wds... there are a lot of illnesses that make people suffer a lot and much worse than a month of wds ( and i say a month to exaggerate the time, ok ? ) There have to be some herborists there... find some minerals to help you with muscles cramps, RLS... magnesium, potasium ( if not, buy food rich on them )... tonic water has quinine on it, buy immodium, valerian root, melatonin.... you can buy them  online. I didn't find melatonin here and bought it online... you can buy what you need on line. These stuff can alleviate your wds a little...protein shakes ( they have vitamins and aminos, apple juice ( rich on potassium ), green tea ( good on theanine and will help you to detox ).. Don't say you can not find anything in japan to help you... Be proactive on your recovery, you are sick and you have every right to fight for your life no matter what you have done, no matter how many times you have tried with no success... you just can not give up on saving your life, Tommy !!!!!! and no, we won't give up on you :)

[FassFeat]

Tommy, You haven't failed unless you quit trying. I have been married for 25 years and when I quit, I didn't care if I lost my marriage or job because I knew that if I could get myself well, that I could restore myself. I was lucky in that my wife supported me, but I knew that if I kept using that I would lose her anyway.....so I rolled the dice and was willing to pay the price, regardless of the price tag. Know this, if you can do whatever it takes to get clean, you can be that girl and have the future you want. If he loves you, even if he leaves out of shock initially, he would come back once you could show that you are clean. You have to do it for you.. it is time to be selfish for a bit and make it about you until you are well, then you can be better than ever for all the others in your life. Once you are clean, everything else has a way of working out because your mind is right all the time.

We have all done things that we are not proud of in various degrees..Don't let that haunt you. You have to forgive yourself first, really forgive yourself. You can do this, you just can't look back once you jump. God Bless, Andrew

[Tommyco]

Thank you guys, I know I'm messed up seriously on every level
This addiction has stripped me of any self esteem or self respect I have
That being said, I know I did it to myself
This self pity and worthless feeling need to stop but it's been going on for so long I know I'm pathetic, I can see that just reading what I've written
I wasn't always like this
I want to be the girl I used to be, the girl I pretend to be that everyone thinks I am
The addict in me does horrible things every night putting a new skeleton in my closet and it feeds the fire to keep using so I can live with myself
Yesterday when I didn't use I couldn't even look myself in the eyes, I started remembering things here and there that I've done to myself, the lies that I've told, the lie I've been living for so long
I want to tell him everything, I know i can't live with myself if I don't
But not until I've been clean for a long time and all of this is just a thing of the past
I've told him I'm an addict, he knows I used to use back in the states and I've told him recovery is a part of my life, that I have to always becareful and active in my recovery
I've been talking about going to meetings for awhile now and he sees me on here, half the time in tears like I am now
But i tell him I'm helping others
Not that you all are helping me save myself
You guys are the only people I can be completely honest with
Even though it's virtual it's saving my sanity and healing me and helping me so much
I can tell you anything and since I'm living in a country where that's just not possible anywhere, you all are a godsend
Don't give up on me please
My mind is just fighting my soul and after trying to silence my soul with heroin for so long it's heartbreaking and painful and everything! You guys already know, you understand
I can't live with myself if I keep doing this
But I don't know if I can live with myself if I don't
Being high protects me as it kills me
Why why why why why do we have to suffer this disease??? :( why do we deserve this struggle this constant battle for a normal life?
Lots of love everyone, thank you for the endless support even though I've failed again it gives me hope when right now it's hard to believe in myself
xoxo

[vicki595]

Honestly, I'm not sure if I know anyone who is clean that could keep the secrets and lying going.  It's not healthy and will make you sicker. Believe me. It's just as bad as the addiction itself.    Stop and look at what your doing to HIM, let alone yourself!

You're in a serious situation here on many levels!!  Get yourself to a meeting TODAY.
Don't go high. Get some help. Get a check up!!

Good luck~

[jstntime]

Hey again,

There's certainly no need to apologize.  Would you apologize if you were afflicted by some other nasty disease??

Living as 2 different people is something MOST of us addicts have learned to do.  

Go to that meeting and ask for help Tomi.  This CAN be done but it's nearly impossible to do alone.  

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and determine if this is something you want. When you want this with every fibre of your being, it will be yours.  Not before.

Ask for help....please.  It's in you Tomi when you say it is.

bob

[DayToTry]

So glad to see you back here posting Tommy.  A relapse does not make you a failure.  I doubt if there is anyone here who made it on there first try.  Or second try.  The thing is try again.  You will be so much better off when you quit.  You don't want to lose that guy and your life while you're at it do you?  You really sound like you want this and that is what it takes.  Just be sick for few days and then we'll deal with all that other stuff.  We are all here for you.  You CAN do this.

[Tommyco]

:( I'm so broken and I'm so sorry
I'm humbled and have a new found respect for every person who could quit cold turkey
I was expecting bad but wow
I'm floored by the power my addiction has over me
I caved you guys :( god why I need to be stronger I need to be willing to hurt I need to accept that is not going to be easy but I it can be done and I can do it
If I tell my man, he'll leave me. Not because he doesn't love me but because our entire relationship has been built on lies
I know I love him and that the girl using heroin in the bathroom is not the same girl who comes home and cooks dinner and laughs with him
He'll never understand
He's not an addict
Doesn't smoke, doesn't drink
Thinks that I quit smoking cigarettes months ago
But cigarettes get me higher off heroin and I figure that lie comes conjoined
He and I are going go Mexico together for a week long vacation November 17th thus the impetus to quit now
The addict in me told me to go through WDs during our vacation because the hot tropical beach and water will be comfortable unlike the freezing cold weather here in Tokyo
I started thinking being ib paradise will be the perfect way to withdrawal
Lose myself in the beauty of nature and the world and just love and be loved by my baby
Just say I caught s little cold but will tough it out and enjoy it
Come home refreshed and clean
I need to start going to AA meetings
That's my only option for any face to face aftercare here where drugs are extemely looked down upon in the worst most un-understaning way, if that makes any sense
I also don want to come clean with my man and tell him everything because then I have to tell him what I make myself do for money to get my dope when my paycheck runs out
He will leave me for sure, without a doubt
And things are going so well, this aspect of my life is the only part that keeps me sane, that make me want to get clean
If I lost him, I would just live high and not care if I lived or died
He shows me a beautiful future we could have if I get clean
He's my motivation, live love laugh. If it's just me, my thoughts are I'm young and have nothing to prove to anyone. Just **** it.
I'm done rambling. I'm disgusted with myself. Humbled by the respect I have for the people who are clean and got through cold turkey
And again, I'm sorry to everyone, I'm sorry to me :(

[laurel453]

Tommy, come back here and talk to us, please

[10356]

Oh Tommy Pleased do not give in... You will be throwing away so much.. it is not worth it,, I have gone through many trials but yet I feel strong for going through these trials.. You have it in you.. Please do not sell your life out.. You are so much more worth then what addiction will offer you.. You are loved You are worth a Good life. active addiction will either keep you in the well with no windows... but if you have the Courage you can get through this and have the life you deserve.. The B itch is not worth it for she will take everything from you.. You have a decision to make.. Live our Die and if you you do not not die in body You will die in spirit.. There when where will you be ???

[laurel453]

tommy, you are strong , don't beat yourself, addiction does this  to ourselves, it undermines every inch of who we are, but our souls are alive... ask for help, talk to your boyfriend... don't go on living on active addiction, my dear

[Tommyco]

I'm so sorry but I wasn't strong enough
About to relapse
I'm so sorry I'm not ready to feel this kind of pain

[10356]

Ya know when we think about it what has using got you ?? You would not be here if you were living a good stable life.. Your addiction has made you a liar a sneak and self destructive.. why would you want to allow the very devil back in now when you have made these 2 days... Mine first love was heroin. wd last about 7 days usually worst days depending on the person and their attitude... I do not know how long our how much our even what you were using but hot water bottle on the ankles.. heating pad on the small of your back.. walk and walk even up and down the hall.. Listen. it is now our never.. You are starting a new life.. You can do this !! I came off Heroin and gone on to have a good marriage I also have a friend I call a Brother 13 years addicted 6 months and going strong.. the pain we feel while doped is so muffled and it comes out ten fold when we are in wd.. ride it out. know the enemy for what it is.. Your addiction wants you enslaved and to loose everything you value.. Your Spirit wants to Love to feel Joy.. Listen to your Spirit.. The mind is a powerful tool and dealing with addiction it can kick some serious butt.. Believe.. Be strong... Have Courage.. You will get through this and you will be grateful you did for you will feel things you have missed for awhile.. lesa

[BanTheTram]

I know when I was going through withdrawals I hated being in my house.  Everything reminded me of using.  I just got out and walked around the neighborhood, it helped a ton.  Stay strong and get through one day at a time, before you know it you will be giving others advice on here.