Time to get my **** together.... again....

long story short. I am an addict. both parents are addicts and have been since before i came into this world. I know that is no excuse.. not trying to make it one. Just emphasising that i grew up around the stuff but just failed to see what a pitiful life it brought them... started dabling here and there when i was in 8th grade.. last fall i went code blue (OD)... so i cleaned up for the rest of that college semester.. then i landed a job making about 2grand a week, working seven days a week i didnt spend much money, so i came home from this job with alot of cash saved up.. about 20k. well. my demons won. i started doing oxycontin again, tabs, percs, anything i could find, after growing up and realizing how ****** drugs have made my parents' lives, i know that this is not the way i want to be.. BUT at the same time.. it's also my release or my venting system when i think about my parents and my family.. i come from a typical white trash addict family.. SO i came back home from the job with a pocket full of cash and started doing oxy... started small and for about the past five months i had increased to 150 mg of oxy a day... doing opana here and there intravaneously which was a first... and wow, talk about a rush.. then recently i found out i am having a baby. and i want to give my child a good life. so at 19 years old and a father to be-i have decided to get my **** together for good... the thing is... today is only day 3 clean for me... and today i relapsed.. but only because it was either take a couple darvocets and ONE norco 10 or go to the hospital because the pain in my body was literally unbearable.. i was almost in tears. my joints, muscles.. felt like they were tearing out of my skin.. but i did not want to go to the doctor because i did not want anyone to know about my problem. im ashamed. so i took the pills. now i did go cold turkey which was probably not smart but i believe that i am mentally strong enought to stop. even after taking that stuff three hours ago i am still hurting like no other.. its insane.. so i started surfing the web reading about how to cope with withdrawals and i was suprised to read that using an online forum to seek support was actually really helpful.. so here i am. I feel ****** for taking those pills but i dont think i could have taken the pain much more... please tell me i am not making an excuse to use drugs again, subconciously....

[LeaAnn807]

Hi, I'm glad you posted!  I don't know about excuses.  Only you know that.  There will always be a reason though.  You will have to push past the immediate pain of WDs to ever live clean and sober.  You are going to hurt for a bit, but it's worth it to live life without pills and counting and searching for more and dreading the bottom of the bottle as soon as you get a full one.  I know, because I have been there a LOT.  I'm done though, and you sound like you want to be too.  You just have to get past the WDs and get yourself some support.  Recovery care is critical to getting your life back and not relapsing!

Keep us posted!!!

[BrotherFrankie]

hey, we have been there..

u say u were almost in tears... yeah so... i was in a fetal position cramping on the floor in cold sweats..

sometimes, just sometimes we have to be in tears..

u r young, you body will heal better than some of us older folk..

for the sake of your kid, so he wont have to post 15 years from now, i come from a drug addicted white trash family...

u  r loved
brother frankie

[wantthissobad]

Hey there I have a lot in common with you I grew up with a heroin addicted father who only cared about heroin, a severely depressed mother who was beaten by my heroin father everyday. So we wonder why we are were we are right? My DOC was vic and I was one of those people you would have never thought was one I knew how to hide it very well I hurt my back and everyone thought I was being responsible with them. They were wrong I became an addict but I wanted a different life for my children so I hide it. Once I had the back surgery i wanted off the pills and wanted to be back to myself and not want a drug so bad. Couldn't take the withdrawal got a suboxone doctor and now I have been stuck on it for 2 years. Don't get me wrong it did it's job kept the withdrawals away and aloud me to live a normal life. I don't know if you have ever tried sub if you do go that route (which I think you should try natural first) suboxone is a really strong drug but it helps keep you clean and get your life back on track. I guess I didn't have the will power to go at it "naturally" There are tons of supplements.
Maybe this will make you feel a little better you can be a good parent to your baby I have to children who get straight a's are nothing like me I have adhd and my psychiatrist can't believe they are so "normal". You can do this my dad messed me up so bad I feel children pain when they live in this environment. Remember someone depends on you now you are not just responsible for yourself but for your baby on the way.
Like BrotherFrankie said you don't want you kid being on here like we are.