To BRIAN

[CGTMHI]

For all those concerned about Brian, I have a few comments to make to him:

(1) In the world of addiction, it is often darkest before dawn. Hopefully, your recent taste of the depths of despair will spur you on to work harder at Recovery, and to work your program as diligently as possible, taking every minute, hour and day one at a time in a concerted effort to stay clean and sober.

(2) It is clear from your posting that the enormity of addiction is such that no one should face this beast while standing alone.  Reach out, as much as possible, to clean and sober friends and relatives who are able to provide you with the support that you need.  Bang out those self-help meetings as though your life depends on them - you should be shooting for at least one meeting every single day.  Take your body there, and your mind and heart will follow!

(3) Problems like yours should be shared face-to-face with a counselor or therapist who is skilled in the treatment of addictive disorders.  If you have trouble identifying a qualified professional in your area, try calling 1-800-662-HELP or logging in to:  

http://www.samhsa.gov/look3.htm

Good luck!  
Dr.  Steve  

http://www.HeadDocs.com

[barbara to pain and lortab]

I am really short on time today but I'll take enough to say I hope you are still with us and just decided to turn the ole computer off for one day to think about the ending year and new coming year.

I thought alot last night about it and decided I still have to keep fighting the battle no matter what. It is born in us to be survivors. They say so long as you can believe there is a God or higher power, nature or whatever higher than you that he or it won't give you more than you can bear. I pray in your case this to be true, I have found it true for myself even though there were so many times I had doubts. I am praying for you now, you are a good person who has tried to help many. That makes you worthwhile on this earth even though life is mean and cruel so often.

Even though your wife left, if you have a dog or cat, hug it and let it give you the power of natures healing. I have had my cats get me through many times by giving me their love and strength.
You may not feel it, but this world really needs you.

Hope you hang in their my friend in depression, I feel and understand it. We all love you here. Hope to hear from you soon!

[Brighty to Dr. Steve]

Thank you for taking the time to come to this board during this time of concern and for reaching out so compassionately to Brian... and actually to all of us who are praying for him right now. Blessings upon your work. Brighty

[From Aunt Lindy to Mariah]

about Brian.  My stomach is in knots. I was just wondering if any regulars we currently here.
Thanks,
Marcie.

P.S. Its 9:25 on Monday night.

[tom to thread re brian]

I just want to know he's alive ... that fentanyl is the strongest stuff there is, you know - makes Oxycontin look like pez.

[From Aunt Lindy to Mariah]

that he frequented another site (like this one) also?  It seems like I remember him saying that he was also posting on another site similar to this one.  I did not know if maybe someone knew what site he was referring to.  I am thinking that maybe someone asked what site it was.  If he told them then maybe we could look for him there.  Do this sound nuts or does it ring any bells? I know I am going on and on, just worried!
Marcie.

[Frankinscense]

Until your crisis is over consider opiate agonist therapies. If ever a person is in need of this life saving method, it is you my friend! I have met and spoke with many physicians that utilised these therapies to help get their lives together.
You are obviously crying out for help. Now you must seek it. You know what to do! Call Dr.J.Thomas Paytes clinic in San Antonio. The director of that clinic is a physician that has experienced the same trials and tribulations that you are experiencing. He has spoke to me over the phone in times of need. He is a very good person. I am pressed for time,but the number can be reached by toll free assistance.(or through his website) My Peace I Give You,My Peace I Leave You!
Dan...

[Brighty to EVERYONE..... MED HELP HAS RE]

I sent an e-mail to medhelp (Phil and Cindy).. they responded immediately. I have received 3 e-mails from them. As you can see they posted in a particular thread, they also contacted Dr. Steve who posted as a "question" and they just sent me a mail last night saying they think they have identified Brian but won't know for sure till today. They have sent sincere thanks to all of you for bringing this to their attention and for all of you being so caring. That's all I know so far. I have no idea if they will be able to make contact with him or how they will do it, if they figure out who and where he is. I say that because if they contact him by e-mail and he's not responding I am wondering if they will send someone to his home or try to call him on the phone. Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe by the time we get home today we will know something. Love, Brighty

[Brighty to Marcie]

You're not nuts. In fact I went to that site months ago but did not add it to my favorites because I did not like it that much. I cannot remember what it was. And, yes, Brian did go there he said. I think there is a member here who also recommended it but I can't remember his name... started with "r".... I feel sure it was more of a chronic pain forum. Hope that helps. Brighty

[Brighty to Tom]

Yes... I believe fentanyl is very hard to get isn't it ??? And from the information I have gleaned over many months it's stronger than heroin... I have also heard that it's sold as white powder heroin in some cities under the street name "china white". I think the fentanly patches are for serious pain like cancer and such..... who could get them other than the truly ill or those who have access ?? Yes, this is serious. Best wishes, Tom.

[From Aunt Lindy to Mariah]

Maybe we will make some headway now.  I am still trying to think of the website.  I was wondering if it was the same one that Mariah went to.  I dont know.  Keep us posted too. Have a great day!
Marcie.

[barbara to pain and lortab]

If Brian is in a detox center or mental ward for almost killing himself he would be difficult to reach by anyone unless he gives specific authority and even then it may be difficult until he is stabilized mentally. They are very careful about confidentiality at those places.

[tom to barbara]

I pray that your explanation is the right one.

Brighty -- yes some underground chemists make fentenyl and sell it on the street as "designer heroin." It's so potent by weight that it kills a lot of heroin users trying to substitute with it. It's a great pain killer as a patch -- probably the most effective -- for terminal patients needing constant, powerful pain relief in the late stages of cancer death, etc.

Brian once told me that he had deliberately avoided trying the f-patch because a doc colleague of his told him that it was the addicted doctor's drug of choice. That and Dilaudid.

I hope this doesn't mean he went to the patch because he really, really wanted to "go out" in a big way and no longer card about the danger.

[Brighty to Tom--- and all re: BRIAN]

Thanks for the information since I was not really sure. I'm from the Philadelphia area where that China White was really available.. the heroin addiction in Philly is very bad and very rampant also. This is where my daughter went with her "friends" to get drugs. I had no clue it was really fentanyl. Anyway, regarding BRIAN, I guess if the medhelp staff has not posted by the time I get home today I will send them another e-mail and ask them what they found out, if anything. Barbara may be right... they may have figured out who he is but not know where to find him. His friends may have intervened big time and sent him off to a mental health facility to get help and then I suppose he would take another try at rehab. I'm sure he has the benefit to provide this. In fact anyone here can get information by sending an e-mail to ***@**** and ask what the update is and to please post that information for us. Take care, Tom... Love, Brighty

[tom to Brighty]

thanks for the update on Brian. Incidentally, "real" China White, to my limited knowledge, IS heroin, simply processed in a certain way. Fentenyl certainly could be masquerading as China White, which was probably your point to begin with. Thankfully, I've never been near any heroin to speak of, or I surely would have wound up another pale pile of bones shrink-wrapped in my own bruises and scabs in some municipal morgue somewhere. I know my mind, and I know how helpless I'd have been kneeling before the dragon. An experience better imagined than endured.

[Dee]

I realize that you are all concerned about Brian..I would like to ask if anyone has ever talked to Brian offline..or if anyone ever had an email address for him? if not then  I must express a thought that I have..The internet is an awesome place to come and talk, meet people,make friends, and for most here,be geniune..you's should be 100% sure that 'Brian' wants his 'internet friends' to cross over the line into his 'private'
'real' life..we all know that the internet is a place where people can go and hide behind a screen and be anything that you want to be..I personally hope that before anyone sends anyone to his home or to his work or anywhere near his 'private' life, that they think long and hard before crossing that line..I'm sorry if anyone gets offended by this,that's not what I intended

[Dee]

I realize that you are all concerned about Brian..I would like to ask if anyone has ever talked to Brian offline..or if anyone ever had an email address for him? if not then  I must express a thought that I have..The internet is an awesome place to come and talk, meet people,make friends, and for most here,be geniune..you's should be 100% sure that 'Brian' wants his 'internet friends' to cross over the line into his 'private'
'real' life..we all know that the internet is a place where people can go and hide behind a screen and be anything that you want to be..I personally hope that before anyone sends anyone to his home or to his work or anywhere near his 'private' life, that they think long and hard before crossing that line..I'm sorry if anyone gets offended by this,that's not what I intended

[Brighty to "anonymous" re: BRIAN]

Your point is very valid and it occured to me numerous times since we contacted medhelp about him. He was unwilling to give an e-mail because he said he was on a "shared" computer... he had professional confidentialities and did not wish to be "exposed" in his particular profession or workplace. Nobody should be offended by your comments... I sure don't want anyone on the net tracking me down either. I have been concerned that if he is contacted he will feel violated and perhaps we have caused some problems for him....you are so right. The other side of the coin is that he posted here for many many months... he was a very private person yet very involved and dedicated and not at all flaky... I mean that to say we had sufficient reason to believe his postings. He posted that he made a very serious, very deliberate suicide attempt... he then posted what would appear as a final goodbye....soooooooooooooooooo !!! I think you understand that was the impetus to  cross the line and try to have the staff here find him and see if he was ok or needed help.... afterall suicide is a common reality for addicts.. they can't quit and they can't live with the pain... the mind is so distorted that death seems to be the only peace. Because my own child made 7... yes 7 attempts... I decided to support the folks here that have helped me so much, and to contact medhelp.... it may be some comfort to us to know that the staff at medhelp was in agreement that we acted appropriately. They said they believed they had "found" him but we don't know what they learned. I am sure the most they will tell us is if he is OK or not... which is all we want to know. To date we do not know if they have been able to contact him even if they figured his identity. He may be in the hospital or rehab.... and he may be very angry at us... time will tell. I think you are very correct and perhaps we acted with poor judgement. Thanks for making a good point. Love, Brighty

[to doc dan from joe]

I've been away from the foum for some time and been reading all the posts about brian, I was just wondering where is his original post about what happened, I've been getting bits and pieces of the story from the previous posts.

[to doc dan from joe]

I've been away from the foum for some time and been reading all the posts about brian, I was just wondering where is his original post about what happened, I've been getting bits and pieces of the story from the previous posts. I've scrolled down quite abit but cant seem to find it.

[friend to all]

Look at the posting "Xanax" November 21, 2000, see comments 11/21/200 and you'll find our dear friend Brian.

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

Brian could possibly be in treatment in the hospital somewhere.  Isn't that where most of us end up after a drug overdose?  One thing for sure, if he does get to read all these posts he will realize that he has a lot of concerned friends here!  J.B.

[Brighty to JB.and to Tom and everyone) T]

JB...I think you are right... he's probably in a program somewhere getting the help he needs. I sent medhelp an e-mail tonight to ask them to post if they know anything. This would be for the benefit of everyone who has posted their concerns. I really don't wish to pursue this any longer... not because I don't care but because as someone said it may be a breach of his confidentiality. If we were to never hear from him again I think we would all feel a bit empty.

Tom... thanks for the clarification... I wanted to tell you and anyone who is interested that if you have cable TV... on Sunday night, Jan. 6 at 8 PM channel CNBC is doing a special on the new epidemic of heroin among young people. I saw some of the ads and it seems to be the story of our daughter...apparently this is happening to lots of kids. When I was growing up heroin was a very very inner city, derelict type thing. Now it's the kid next door... or our own kid. I hope parents of young kids will watch this.

Tom and JB.... you have been my strongest support here. Thank you so much. Love, Brighty

[Brighty to Tom]

Can you tell me what the "dragon" reference is about ?? I have heard this term before and so far I am clueless. I know the kids are all wearing dragon shirts and I thought it was a skateboard logo. Maybe there is something up. Thanks for your help.

[Brighty to Joe and "friend"]

I think the posts from Brian were removed.... I can't find them..I didn't find under Xanax either.... lots of stuff vanishes from this board... usually my posts :-))) Love, Brighty

[From Aunt Lindy to Mariah]

Hi Brighty,
Isnt that wierd about the posts vanishing?  I dont even see them in the archive which are on the top of the thread.  I kind of feel like I am in the "Twilight Zone".  I think I would rather have Brian a little mad then to ignore his warning signs and be in more therapy the rest of my life because I decided to ignore what could be a dangerous situation.
Take Care!
Marcie.

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

I know that you asked Tom about the "Dragon" but I thought I'd give you an answer as well.  

Those of us with Hepatitis C refer to the disease as the Dragon.  We have to deal with the disease on a daily basis the way old Saint George did in mythology.  Some days you get the Dragon and some days he gets you.  Hep C is a very frustrating disease to say the least.  It causes severe depression, diabetes, thyroid problems, blood count problems, arthritis, and the list goes on.  My last blood work came up positive for Lupus!  It seems like every doctor's visit gives me less hope for survival.  I went through months of chemo(Interferon and Ribivirin)only to be told that I was a non responder.  Next step is liver transplant.

I've also used the term Dragon with drug addiction for much the same reason.

BTW I first heard of China White about thirty years ago.  At that time it was as pure a heroine as could be gotten.  One of the men in my squad was using 3 grams per day and still functioning!  I won't go into detail here but he did not last long after returning stateside.  J.B.

[Friend to All and to Brighty]

I still have my old postings and copied the last one I've read from Brian...here it is.

Comment By: FROM BRIAN on Wednesday, November 22, 2000

Hi guys. I'm back from the dead (almost dead!). Got back recently from a treatment program out in the beautiful desert Southwest. It really was nice having the cash to shell out for a $500/day "addiction resort." Met some interesting people and a few celebrities (which, of course, I'm bound by anonymity not to reveal). I learned a hell of a lot there. As I posted before I left for treatment, I relpased primarily because I wasn't working any sort of program. I have never been big on NA, not because I didn't fit in, but because I'm just stubborn and a few things bothered me (the whole higher power thing). I reached some new realizations while away, and believe I've tapped into a new spiritual part of me that I didn't know existed. I also learned that I was using this board as a substitute for a program. By helping others I thought I was also helping myself. Instead, I was neglecting myself. My "treatment team" was torn on whether I should still come back here. Eventually they agreed that, with limitations, I could. In fact, I befriended one of the docs who I had met at a conference once, and he even let me use his computer a few times to get on the internet (against the rules). I checked in here but didn't post. You guys have had some really interesting stuff going on lately! And Tom, must say I love your posts. You've given great advice. Dan too. Nice to see different perspectives, etc. I'm going to try to step back some and not "dominate" any discussions here, though I like to step in now and again. And to all of you who wished me well, thanks from the bottom of my heart. It made me feel sooo good while I was so down to read those posts during treatment. Finally, please learn a lesson from my relapse. This board is fantastic, BUT, it isn't a substitute for working a program. I know that term is cliche, but the reality is, you have to do something consistent to keep fighting this addiction, or it will come back and bite you in the ass when you least expect it. My best to you all. Brian

[tom to joe re Brian's original alarming]

didn't copy it. should have know better. but, basically, after returning to work as a physician, Brian relapsed and went to a rehab somewhere in the Southwest. I think  that post is re-created somewhere in this thread.

The "bomb" post came in from him telling us:
A) his wife grew tired of his up and down recovery attempts and moved out. I don't know if that meant a divorce or just a separation.
B) He reacted to her leaving by slapping on some Fentenyl patches, those heavy, morphine-like time release things, and because his tolerance had been reduced from his detox and recovery time, the dose, I guess, just about put him in a coma. A friend had a key to his place, used it, and Brian was conscious enough to show him how to inject him with enough nalaxone to neutralize the fentenyl and save his life. He then mini-detoxed with the help of a colleague with some buprenorphine injections, which, apparently, ended the immediate crises but left him, of course, still in need of a comprehensive detox/recovery program. He mentioned finding and flushing some OXY's he'd stashed some time in the past. He then openly contemplated liquidating everything and hitting the high seas on a sailboat that I suppose had been an ambition of his before all this drug stuff got in the way. That's what I remember from his post, maybe Brighty can give you a better recounting than that. But I think I captured the gist of it. Of course, we were all concerned that the wife-thing would drive him to another Fentenyl-enabled suicide attempt and, I think it's safe to say, as a group we became increasingly alarmed when he stopped posting anything on the forum. We didn't know if this sailboat post was a serious proposition or a euphemism for suicide. We spent a few nights looking for any kind of post from him and, to date, have not gotten any.
I hope I've gotten it right but please, anyone, correct me or add to anything I've gotten wrong here.
Joe you've been with the group a long time and I felt you deserved to at least know what started all this.
tom

[vickyvortex]

Isn't doing heroin also referred to as "chasing the dragon?"  And John Belushi died from an overdose of china white.  Just thought I would share....

[vickyv to Brighty about that other site]

Is this that neuro-mancer site?  I have gone there a couple of times, and I am so sorry if this offends anyone, but it is totally the most lame thing I have seen.  It also is so clique-ish.  Unbelieveable.  The topics are also mind-bogglingly inane.  Just my humble opinion.

[Brighty to Friend, JB and vickeyvortex §]

Marcie...Yes... vanishing posts abound here. But I have come to the conclusion that the ones related to medical advice get saved and those like the one I am creating now:-) get deleted... but I do understand that with the limited space. You are not imagining things though !! Pwhew :-)))

Friend... thanks... you helped fill in the blanks for the others who are wondering what the "Brian" posts are all about. There was a later one that Tom is talking about. Maybe someone has saved it.

JB... thanks for the dragon trivia... I had heard the references but it always went over my head. God is awesome and good.My daughter is alive in spite of the odds.  She said China White was available in Philly and a "choice" product... aargh.. for me to hear this... aaaaargh again... but we moved and it was tar stuff (??) and not as desirable... I get a bit sick talking about it. But she is used to talking in counseling so I just let her speak if she chooses to. She plans to watch the special on CNBC Sunday night. My husband and I are wondering if this would be upsetting to her. She saw the ads on cable and said she wants us to watch it. I am going to be sick I just know it... watching these kids put needles in their arms... aaaaarh.... it hits me so personally... how should we handle this situation..???? Just sit and be cool ?? Do you think she should watch it ??? Wonder what you and others think. By the way, JB, what about liver cleanses and milk thistle, arrugula and other natural things. I heard that dandelion is a great liver cleanse and restorer. I am sure you are more up than I am but I was wondering if you are on a regimen of some sort that will put a transplant off for as long as possible.

Vickyvortex... thanks for the information... chasing the dragon... I never heard it before... I wonder where it originated?? Yes, Belushi, and scores of other celebrities over the years. I was astounded to learn so many addicted to heroin.. from Billie Holliday to Whoopie Goldberg and scores of others in between. If you watch that show Sunday night tell me what you think. Love, Brighty

[Brighty to Vickeyvor]

I don't think I know the site you mean... sorry... I did go to a site that Brian had mentioned but I don't think it's the one you mentioned. Take care.... Love, Brighty

[From Aunt Lindy to Mariah]

This may sound far fetched but if you had a satallite dish you could tape (the CNBC show) it off of a station that was on the West Coast.  I was thinking that West Coast stations came on earlier.  Brighty if that is not right I appologize.  It may be my hair color (haha).  

Do you think that if your daughter watched the show that she might think "thank God I wont be in that position again".  Maybe she will be happy that she is out of that environment.  Maybe it will justify how far she has come in rehab.  

You know how the experts say that you should watch TV with your little kids and talk about what they are watching?  What if you used that show as a kind of therapy tool.  You know what I mean?  Maybe your daughter might open up and talk about feelings. Maybe it is something that could be informative to all of you.

Brighty I have NO idea whatsoever what you all have been through.  I know it has been hell.  So my ideas above are probably totally rediculous.

I wonder if you went to the CNBC site if it might tell you more on the documentary/story.  I hope I have helped you some even marginally!  Take care Brighty.

Have a nice weekend.
Marcie.

[Brighty to Marcie]

Good Morning...are you a blonde ??? :-)))))

You have been so much more than marginally helpful. You brought up some things that hadn't occured to me. The one item we HAD already decided that you did mention is to watch together as a family and let's see where the discussion goes. My biggest concern is that watching people use, even on TV, will be a trigger.... I suppose others here will know how that feels... I just don't know. But I think your comment about how far she has come may be really good for her... I will report back and tell you. Please forgive me... that thing about the satelite dish went past me :-)) I am on the east coast and have cable :-)) As far as what we've been through... I can only imagine one thing worse... to lose a child. I hope no family ever has to experience it... it is a waking nightmare and you feel you are in a constant battle with a demon... and in fact that's exactly what is happening. I hope you can find the channel. Since you  have children it's not too early to learn. This product is out there for profit and the targets are the most impressionable, and the most available... our children. My daughter told me the other day that she had no idea what was happening when she found herself addicted. It was a concept that she was unfamiliar with in spite of all the drug education she had. That's why they target the kids.. kids are forever sure they are both invincible and immortal.  She said she figured if she tried something and "felt" like she needed to use it again that would be when she would just quit. Can you imagine anything so stupid ?????? The intellect is rendered helpless and immobile under the influence of such powerful and seductive chemicals. Well, I babbled enough today :-)) Take care... Love, Brighty

[tom to Brighty and Marcie]

speaking of "trigger" movies (that make you want to use), I'd say the one to avoid is Gus Van Sant's Drugstore Cowboy, even though it's an excellent cinematic effort and a plain hoot to watch. For someone like Brighty, though, who isn't an addict, I'd say rent it at the first opportunity to gain a little insight into the mind of the contemporary junkie. Great performance by Matt Dillon, too.

For my own edification, I keep a VHS of "My Name is Bill W" handy. Great James Woods depiction of a man I consider a true saint and visionary, one of those souls you just know was put on this earth to accomplish one special task at just the moment the great universal scheme compelled it to be done.

Need a I mention Days of Wine and Roses or The Lost Weekend? Classics that I think are instructive and entertaining without being a trigger to use (if anything, just the opposite). If you can find it, the restored kinoscope of the live tv Playhouse 90 production of Days of Wine and Roses is worth the effort to acquire.

The Night of the Iguana, besides being a great John Huston film and Tennessee Williams play with Richard Burton, Kerr and Ava Gardner, always appealed to me because it begins with a man of god layed low by alcoholism and other assorted demons who leads a tour to southern Mexico in a last ditch attempt at salvation and redemption, themes close to my heart.

[to doc dan from joe]

Tom,


Thanks for the insight into what happened to Brian!

I Hope he is O.K

[barbara to pain and lortab]

I noticed some of my posts dissappeared too. I had a long one last Friday explaining how I got into the alcoholism problem and started recovery etc. That was deleted I noticed. I cannot find it anywhere.

I also had one explaining about why I moved to Guam, as someone had inquired. I think it was you but I can't remember for sure. That also is gone today. I don't know what's up if the Doc deletes what he doesn't like or Medhelp deletes it or if it's just glitches along the way.

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

That was me who inquired about your move to Guam a few days ago.  Remember you said it was my turn to give my story?  

Some of my posts have been deleted as well in the past few days and we are not imagining things, Barb.  Maybe I have been editorialising a little too much lately and not giving this site anything noteworthy, I don't know. I am going to stay away from posting here for a while and get on with "my" program.  I will keep this site on my favorite list and visit silently to keep in touch.  

God be with you all!

J.B.

[barbara to pain and lortab]

Sorry I couldn't remember who wrote it but Brighty did inquire one time a week or so ago. I always read your posts and brightys, and many others, I can't mention them all.

I hope you don't stay away and not post you have alot of interesting points to say and have given good constructive criticisms. I enjoy reading your posts. Since so many have had posts deleted I don't believe it's a personal thing.

It's possible that politics about Doctors may play a role since this is a sponsored media and it may just simply be something as simple as a computer dropout for some reason just like when it posts us five or six times while we are still in the middle of typing. I think it's a computer thing myself and not personal I'll email Med Help and inquire. I hope you got a chance to see my post before it was washed away by the computer tidal wave of technology!

So please keep babbling along with us, we need your input. Yours is just as important as any of ours. I think the Brian thing is getting to you a little bit and you need to get through that. Feel free to talk about it. That's what's this forum is for getting our emotions out. Reading this forum has helped me tremendously while I was in some really depressed suicidal moments. It's literally gotten me through some days. It's people like you and many others who make this forum useful and interesting. I hope you don't stay silent, I'll pray for you.

[barbara to pain and lortab]

I just noticed our posts were added back in a little farther down.

Thank you to whoever re-posted them!!!

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

Well, I feel a little better today and less paranoid after reading your posts to me. I had a rather hectic day yesterday and was feeling sorry for myself because things weren't going well around here.

My mailorder pharmacy screwed up and sent me my month's supply of Lorcet early.  I got them last Friday.  Normally my wife takes care of all our mail business and she thinks that they will be here next Friday.  Anyway, I've been cheating and feel pretty bad about it.  I'm not shocked or surprised at what I've been doing, just plain disappointed in myself! I just hate all this sneaking around and lying stuff I've been into lately.  I don't know what to do right now except suffer for my actions and try to get back on track again.  Just call this relapse # 234.

[VickyVortex to J.B.]

I don't what's up.  I too am having a problem controlling my pain meds.  I had been so proud of myself for taking my prescribed dosage, and while I'm not taking handfulls, I am taking more than alotted which means withdrawal until my next refill unless I take UNDER the amount for the next five days.  You know what I mean.  In addition, because I am all stressed out over the impending doom, I am downing my xanax, which is even scarier, because I am prone to anxiety attacks.  Why can't I slow down?  Because I am an addict. Duh!!!  Anyway, As a wife, I would advise you to immediately tell your wife what's up.  The guilt is eating at you and if you have pills left, by giving them to her you are also retaking control of your dosage and may be able to set up a schedule where you can "maintain" without getting sick.  Stop the madness now.  Be honest, give the pills to her and tell her you love her.  goodbye for now, my friend.

[vickyv to brighty]

Brighty, I am very curious about your daughter. Forgive me if my facts are incorrect, but I believe she was suicidal when told her medication was going to be stopped.  I read above that she is doing much better and seems happy.  If this is indeed true, it is a miracle to me.  My greatest fear is living without vicodin.  while I have a legitimate need for them,  the addiction is more horrible than the pain I have.  How did your daughter make it through?  I realize the physical symptoms stop in a couple of weeks, but what about the mental craving.  One of my problems is no matter how great a situation was, I always "knew" it could be better if I just had a vicodin.  If she or you have any insight that would be great.  I watched a program on heroin, but it was on MSNBC, not CNBC.  Is this the same show?  It focused on Philadelphia, and what was called the Badlands.  I also went and saw the movie Traffic.  Very dull.  Have a blessed day Brighty, your sister in Christ, Vicky

[barbara to pain and lortab]

I am glad you are feeling better today. I just got news that I may lose my job in a few months because the partial seizures have really affected my short term memory and working with detailed work fast like we do here.

There is alot of detailed work and I have been having falling asleep phases for seconds at a time like Narcolepsy. That's why they are doing the sleep study test.

I guess I may be back to mowing lawns, it doesn't take much thought for that!

My boss says if I can get back up to speed I'll be alright. One thing is, they have alot of trouble finding typhoon forecasters that will move out here and will work for small pay. They and I are both kind of stuck right now.

I plan to sue the company that gave me the seizure disorder by letting me go into Status Epilepticus so many times over three months and did brain damage to me. They initially sent me to a Nutritionist who did not believe in meds only vitamins and excerize. He also thought I was exaggerating about the seizures because he felt I would not be able to work. We'll see what happens in court one of these months. This went on for three and a half months before they finally detoxed me the right way after I screamed at him at the top of my lungs. He said I was just obsessed about seizures. That was because I gave him thourough details of my seizures and internet material on withdrawal each week and so on so he could learn something. I guess I was obsessed with staying alive!

My Psychiatrist and GP said I am lucky to still be alive today.
Well I am babbling, I had better go for now. Talk to you soon!

[to to J.B.]

did you ever fess up to Marty re the early lorcet? She must have figured it out one way or the other ... so what, I say, brother? She knows you and loves you and knows you're doing what you can. Love and forgive. Try to get back on track, but above all, treasure every moment of victory or defeat or recovery spent together. In victory, defeat or indifference, every second with your loved one is one more you'll never get again. Be thankful for every beat of your heart and love that woman, even if she's pissed off at you over the lorcet. It's precious time slipping through your fingers as the world rolls on and the seasons play out.

[tom to J.B.]

damn my late night typing. hope you realized the post above was from me to you, my good friend.

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

Well, I spilled the beans about three hours ago to my wife.  She was livid at first and didn't say much.  She had suspected something was up with me and my "goofy pills" as she calls them.  Anyway, I gave her the partial bottle.  She counted them out and said I'd be ok until the 21st(I already knew that!)  I was already back into pill counting again after just a few days.

The point is:  I can't even follow all the advice I so readily give out to other addicts.  Very humbling to be knocked from my perch again!  Know what I mean?

[From Aunt Lindy to Mariah]

Isnt life a B)(*H sometimes!
XO
Marcie!

[To Tom and rest of forum from Maryanne]

I don't know if you are aware that you probably CANNOT be fired from your job in 3 months - check into the disability laws in your state.  I believe an employer is not legally allowed to fire you for a medical illness/disability.  You can sue your employer too if they do it.  Get job reinstatement, back pay AND punitive damanges - someone VERY close to me did that very thing.  Maryanne

[barbara to pain and lortab]

Thanks for the info. I'll check it out with my attourney since I have to go see him to check out suing the company that made me go through untreated out-patient withdrawal seizures and DT's for three months. I'm not trying to get rich but I have to keep my house and take care of my family, five cats and four dogs!

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

No disrespect intended but I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for pointing out that life is a ***** sometimes.  If that is the most profound thing you can tell me when my life is about to come apart, then please refrain in the future.  

Tom, your words of encouragement mean so very much at this time!  I will savor every moment with Marty more than ever.  We found out that the cancer has spread to her thyroid.  Her oncologist is worried that her brain will be the next site to be hit.  We are in God's hands now more than ever. I am praying for a miracle!  J.B.

[From Aunt Lindy to Mariah]

J.B I know what it is like for ones life to fall apart.  That is what brought me to this site.  I meant no disrespect to you! I just meant that I know what you mean "being knocked from ones perch"  I noticed that you kept your sense of humor through this that is why I posted to you that life is a ***** Had I known you were in crisis I would not have posted that.  To me once in a while life is a *****! Like right this second for example.  I guess I thought you would have your sense of humor while reading my post.  Now I feel totally like **** because I have hurt someones feelings I am balling my eyes out as we speak.  I am totally afraid to post anything now so that it will be misinterpreted.  In reading your posts I did not pick up on the fact that your life was falling apart.  If I did I would not have posted that.  I think if you go through and read ANY of my posts you will see that I am sympathetic.  I am going to refrain from posting here for a little while.  I am too freaked out right now. It feels kind of wierd crying over something that comes to me in a square computer box.

[To Tom and rest of forum from Maryanne]

JB I am SO sorry to hear what u and Marty are going through, my God.  I will pray for you and hope for the best.  Geez, not enough that we have to go through addiction, huh?  I will be hoping to hear from you about how things are going.  JB, maybe you could come to the chat tom. night 9pm Eastern time.  Marcie, don't be so hard on yourself - I can see that u really didn't mean it.  We can all help each other here - so please continue to post your struggles here - I hope u will still be with us tomorrow night (Please?)  Sincerely, and God Bless you all (esp your loved one JB), love, Maryanne

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

I apologize for my last post.  I was just venting my anger again at life.  I can see now that you are a very caring and understanding human being and I am sorry that I made you cry.  Don't let my shitty attitude ruin things for you on this forum.  Life is really a ***** sometimes as we all know.  I have just gotten to the point lately that I want to strangle the next person who tells me to "roll with the punches, take life as it is dealt to you, Let go and let God". et al.  All the cliches in the world do not help after a while.  I am the one who needs to stay off of these forums, not you!  Peace be with you, J.B.

[barbara to pain and lortab]

We are all trying to give each other encouragement here and once in a while vent our anger because we have to let it out or wemay end up kiling ourselves.

My boss informed me that my forecasting has been going downhill lately. She's looking for an excuse to fire me since we use the same as the weather service so they were wrong too.

She actually had the gall to tell me I performed better when I was drinking then now when I am sober!!!! What a thing to tell an alcoholic. Shape up or ship out in two months and you were better when you were bringking. That sound lioke she is inviting me to go back to drinking.

She told me once a while back that she was afraid she was drinking a little too much and had quit for two months on her own. Perhaps she relapsed and is now quite jealouse that I am still almost eight months sober.

I won't go back to brinking for that B----h or that job, They can take their job and shove it!!!!!!!!! I have been there two years and now they treat me this way because I have epilepsy. Life does suck! Sorry J.B. I know you know all about that!

[From Aunt Lindy to Mariah]

I swore I would take some time off from this site.  I am TOO emotionally involved.  My whole day today was hell because of the posting event that came up.  I know, my problem, but it still hurts.

Barbara,
Reading your post I could not sit back and just not post.  You need to document, document and document.  Write down dates and times of these incidents.  If anyone else was present write that down too. You need to file a greivance with the EEOC.  If you get let go you need to file for unemployment (of course).  You also need to get a Labor Lawyer ASAP. If you cant afford one there are organizations that can help you for no charge.  The organization is made up of great attorneys who volunteer their time to help those that cant afford it.  Anyway, I hope you look into going forth with a case against your employer.  I am NOT a lawyer but I know that this sounds like a situation that a lawyer can help you with.

Marcie.

[barbara to pain and lortab]

Sorry for all the mispellings in my fist post but I had just got to work and had to hurry as fast as I could.

Thank you for the advice. Yes, I am keeping a paper trail both with the medical company and this company I work for. I starting checking attorneys yesterday and the first question they asked was what reason did she give for saying I had two months to dooms day if I don't improve.

The old station that sold out I worked at for 14 years so they this station just wanted to get established by using my name and reputation for their advertisers. Maybe they are afraid the lawsuit of the medical company will bring to public light the fact that I used to drink and was in the mental health pysch ward for detox! Oh Noooooooooo, I'M PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I told her I wanted everything in writing so she will have to start coming up with some legitimate stuff otherwise she will just eventually say they can't afford to pay my salary anymore and are cutting back personel. Then shortly later hire another Meteorologist, if they can find one for the salary they are willing to pay in the small market. If they think they can call me in next typhoon season for short typhoon threat situations, they better think again. I'll be playing out in the wind and enjoying it, not working!!!

There really isn't anything to improve here that I can see. How many different ways can you say it is going to be sunny with a few showers???? We are going int our boring dry season for the next four months.

Both my bosses walked in and saw me in a tonic-clonic seizure one day and I think it freaked them out. They couldn't take it.

Well now I am really babbling so I have better go. Bye to all and thanks for the encouraging words from some of you. I hope to be able to continue giving you all encouragement as well!!!!

[VickyV to Marcie Please Read]

Marcie, If you stop posting, you will be depriving this board of a vibrant force. Are you too emotionally involved with this site?  Maybe, but something tells me you throw 100% into everything you do.  Since you came up with the chat room idea, more posts have been put on this board in one day than ever!!!  It has become a lively place for the first time!!!! Not that the rest of us are not lively, its just that there is almost a refreshing innocence in your words.  It is so depressing to log on and see no new messages.  Are people lurking out there, but afraid to come on board?  Please don't stop posting because of the results.  If that happens, others will be afraid to Post. Hell, I was practically banned for telling Lynn to get off her lazy ass and go to the doctor.  I refused to give up my right to free speech.   J.B is a very intelligent man, and as you have already read, understands you were not being flippant.  He admitted he was having a utterly horrible day, given that he has been struggling with some very heavy burdens on an average kind of day.  Sometimes, there is nothing to say that can help someone's situation and it is frustrating.  He would be the first one to tell you to get over it and resume posting!!!!!

[barbara to pain and lortab]

I hope none of you leave the forum. You all have very important input. Us alkies and addicts have a tendency to put ourselves down and think our opinions don't count for much but they are just as important as any other human on this earth. Education, strength, beauty, handsomeness and so on are just facades. It's what our ethics are and really deep in our hearts that makes us a good person or not. Just because we sound angry sometimes doesn't make us bad, it makes us human!!

We need to let it out and other people learn from your experiences and are helped by the advice you all bring.

Marcies advice was very useful, I did not know any of those things she informed me of. I have been away across the world and not up to speed on some of the more modern laws, so she helped me immensly. Thank you Marcie. Please keep posting.

If you want some nice things to read I'll write my next post about how nice and lush our jungles are here and how Guam is like a paradise for me in spite of my problems! Have a good day everyone.

Think of the serenity prayer if and of you are suffering right now!

[barbara to pain and lortab]

I hope none of you leave the forum. You all have very important input. Us alkies and addicts have a tendency to put ourselves down and think our opinions don't count for much but they are just as important as any other human on this earth. Education, strength, beauty, handsomeness and so on are just facades. It's what our ethics are and really deep in our hearts that makes us a good person or not. Just because we sound angry sometimes doesn't make us bad, it makes us human!!

We need to let it out and other people learn from your experiences and are helped by the advice you all bring.

Marcies advice was very useful, I did not know any of those things she informed me of. I have been away across the world and not up to speed on some of the more modern laws, so she helped me immensly. Thank you Marcie. Please keep posting.

If you want some nice things to read I'll write my next post about how nice and lush our jungles are here and how Guam is like a paradise for me in spite of my problems! Have a good day everyone.

Think of the serenity prayer if and of you are suffering right now!

[From Aunt Lindy to Mariah]

Barbara, I wanted to thank you for your kind post.  I appreciate it more than you know. It was just a bad day.  I read a post tonite that said "Blow my nose and get over it".  I went and lost it all over again! I can be such an emotional wreck sometimes.  I put my heart and soul in when I come to this site.  That why it was so weird to get so emotionally involved in this type of  environment.  It is just very new to me!  I mean if someone had been around me seeing me crying in front of a computer screen what a scene to attempt to explain that I was crying because I had hurt someone who was going through a very bad time on a website.  Unless specifically asked I promise I will not take up any more space on any threads bringing this up any more.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for your words.  Finally, I think I can sleep after reading this.  Thanks Again, Marcie.

[vickyvortex to marcie]

Marcie, first I am sexually harrassed by Tom, and then you took what I said totally out of context. After all the writing we have done to eachother, how can you only dwell on  on that one comment to J.B. Didn't you read my post above here?  If I am only as good as my last comment, and nothing else I say counts than maybe you should examine the depth of your ability for tolerance of others. You KNOW I did not mean to hurt your feelings, but sweetie, I also think you can't take everything so personally. I am logging off before I offend anyone.

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

I remember that not long ago VickiV was under attack for some of her posts and felt like leaving the forum for good.  I wasn't involved in any of this but felt sooo bad for her.  Anyway, Vicky is still with us here and Marcie, you are too.  I'm grateful that you are both here!  I, for one, need this forum as a sounding board in order to keep a little more sanity in my life.  Let's all work together and be friends.  J.B.