To all who know my story

I don't seem to be getting through to my wife so I'm going to let her read this post,If anyone has anything to say to her please do so,I just can't seem to make a dent.I can't get it through her head what she is doing to me when she steals,or even asks for some of my meds,or whay she is doing to this family when she runs out,go through with drawls and is either in bed all day,or snapping at me and the kids.Maybe I'm too close and not harsh enough I don't know.As always I would be very grateful for any help.Thanks all!

[beachtowel]

Do you really think the way your acting is helping your wife?
I guess I can understand it most people believe and feel the way you do........
By now you should understand that if you want you pills safe you must go to the store and buy a small safe to keep them......
If you think she can help herself from taking your pills then your the one who isn't thinking clearly and are very misinformed...........
Your wife is an addict and needs help......
If I may ask you a question why are you taking narcotic pain pills?
With the knowledge of your wifes problem with pills isn't there something else you can take?
So that there would be no narcotics in the house hence you would never have to worry about her taking your narcotics anymore........
If you could try to understand this "Addiction is not your wifes fault but her recovery is 100% her responsiblitiy"
Do you think she likes stealing her husbands pills? Do you think when she took them that you wouldn't notice? She is screaming for help and all your mad about from you posts is the loss of your pills and that is very sad......
Your not alone most people look down on addicts but this addict is your wife and the mother of your children so you have two choices either help her or leave her that choice is all yours.......

[road2recovery]

i know your story..i know you have real pain...I am not sure on this one..i have to say with me being an addict, they Cannot be in my house...maybe some are stronger and that is great..But all i can tell u is how i feel...i don't even want cough syrup w/ codiene here...the bad thing is the cold season is coming up, i have kids?? i think of this constantly..i am only 23 days and this is not long enough to have it in my face...I am being as honest as a 23 day recovering addict can be..
i feel bad for you and your wife...you need them but so does she...not in the same way you do, but an addict is an addict..i wish i could be of more help to help your wife..But first she has to want it...That i know..I wish her the best...if she wants to come on here and read , please tell her, that we are here for her and she can do this and be a mom an wife again..
god bless you jace
r2r

[Mommy_needs_help]

That is a very good point that beach makes... My husband is going to start taking suboxone next month to try to clear all pills from the house.  He MIGHT have to end up keeping some sort of something... for the pain that prob never go away in his shoulder.... But the fact that he is trying makes me understand that he truly supports me in my effort to get and stay clean!
I was taking pills from him for almost 3 years.... Granted that he didn't know till it was all over, but he gave me full support and it pushed me to get my self off of those nasty little buggers.
And for now - the bottle pills that he has in the house are in a little safe, that only he knows the combo. It's safer for me and safer for the children.
If you really love your wife and want to work it out maybe you can find a way to talk to her patiently, from a place of love about quitting all together...not about stealing. Not about what pill belongs to who,,,, but about having a life together, and changing your life so that it works for BOTH of you.
But if your heart isn't in it anymore - and you want out for other reasons,,,, then that's another story.  And in that case -- don't use us as your shield.  Just tell her.

[dessss]

First post of the day for me today, day 4 clean. Jacem5 if you dont mind I'm going to use this post to show my dh at the end of the day. While he never would have yelled at me for spending almost our life savings on pills I'm sure it's hurting him inside. I feel for you. But speaking from your wifes point of view she has NO control at "THIS POINT" over this. If you love your wife stick by her, help her. Having pills in the house WILL NOT WORK! Safe or not. I woulda found someone if there was a safe of pills in my house and paid them to open it. Or I woulda hijacked my dh until he opened it. It's hard to describe how hard it really is to stop. You feel like you cant go on. It's the end of the world. And for some unknown reason (at least I dunno) you blame everyone (in you mind) around you when you dont have pills. I wish you all the luck in helping her.. Also if she is reading this post welcome to the group join in you may find some comfort in being around folks that are exatly like you!
Hugz

[angel47630]

I totally know where your story is coming from as I have followed it from the beginning..............

Your wife is hindering your recovery and that is not good for either of you.  I also know that she puts tremendous pressure on you by you having to be responsible for everything in the home.    I don't know of many men who would tolerate their wives in bed til 2pm, napping away while you are taking care of all the kids needs, cleaning and doing everything.   You have immense patience and strength and love but the thing is, I think you have reached your limit.    It isn't about loving your wife, it is about her being an equal counterpart in this marriage and putting forth all the effort that you do.

If she is an addict she needs to step up to the plate and get help.  Plain and simple.   It it not fair to you or your kids to have her in bed 18 hours a day while you pull your hair out trying to run a house, recover, and deal with the issues that you and I have from our past.    

You are also dealing with major sleep issues and nighttime panic and as a fellow sufferer, I know it is hell.     Your wife also needs to recognize what it is YOU are dealing with and not make it all about what she is dealing with.   That is destructive and selfish in a marriage.    

Nobody understands life with panic unless the have it.   Anxiety is NOT the same as panic...............panic is hell.    You also deal with night terrors and then have to face all the responsibility of the house, the kids and your wife's addiction.   I am sure  you  are at your breaking point.

I also know this, as an abused child......................it doesn't go away just because you are all grow up.  In fact, I think when you have your own kids, it resurfaces and then is when you realize what you actually had to live through and you wonder how and realize no wonder we turn to substances to numb and forget..............

JACE, I  am here for you..................we have a lot in common, I know you are trying very, very hard to run a house by yourself and I commend you.   Now it is time for your wife to put in her 50% and make it an equal partnership for you, not just napping and wd'ing, that is about a 90%-10% relationship and you have got to have more to make it for yourself...............

Love and prayers,
Karen

[angel47630]

I read your other post again about wanting to leave......................you know you can leave, seperate and see how she does in a period time in recovery.   But, in the meantime, you can keep your kids safe and far away from this.   In the long run, the scar of living with a mom who is in bed all day, doing pills and not functioning will be much more scarring than a dad who whisks them away to safety and shields them from this life.

You don't have to divorce, but give her time to see if she can do this, if she can, great, put your family back together and know you licked a serious problem together.   If she can't then have peace knowing you saved your kids from watching their mom not function, what is that teaching them to do?????    You don't want them growing up to think that is how to deal with life!

My heart goes out to you,
Karen

[tobybear]

My husband suffers from anxiety, depression, and panic disorders since 1984.  He now sleeps most of the day and I see him when he is awake. which sometimes is not often.  Your wife sounds like she needs to see a Dr. about her depression which may be why she sleeps so much because she is unable to deal with the situation around her.  My husband keeps his pain meds in a bank bag with the key around his neck so that I won't take his pain meds or too many of my own.  It also is a good way to keep the meds away from the kids.  If there is a way for an addict to get pills they will. Unless you tell her no more (which my husband told me) then she will always try to get yours.


God Bless
Tobybear

[bettie1976]

Honestly, stop being so hard on the wife. She has No control over what she is doing. Weve ALL been there and done "that" to our kids. ALL our kids are gonna have some scars in life as we do. Its not going to kill the kids to be around their mother when shes in bed. BUT she needs to get help. Plain and simple. She has to WANT it. I just feel like people are being hypocritical towards her right now, she is the same as the rest of us. I know Ive stolen my share of pills from people and done things Id never normally do to get them. Who here can say they HAVENT? I know my life was outta control, who here WASNT falling apart? Just because you have some clean time under your belt (me included) doesnt give any of us the right to preach to her. This isnt even HER thats writing, its him. I hope she does read this and I hope she DOES want to get help but I was sitting here reading this, pretending I was her and finding myself feeling pretty F'n upset. I dont think this is the way. She either wants help or she doesnt.

[beachtowel]

My father a few years back was dying from Pancreas and Liver cancer, he also 6 months prior had rods and bone graphs in major lower back surgery......
My mother would encourage us (kids) to stop by and visit with him but as for me I had selfish modives.....when I would come over my father would only meet the evil side of his son who was in full blown addiction.....
When Hospice Care was over almost everyday they would help my father with everything.....I used to wait for them to help him to the shower I would shoot into his bedroom and go for the drugs there were tons sometimes I would grab a bottle of liquid Morphine and guzzle half the bottle then fill it back up with water.....
I would grab a handful of pills from the numerous pill bottles, I took Fentanyl patches.......
I did this to my dying father suffering with extreme pain from cancer why?  Because I was a drug addict........
I knew what I was doing was wrong but I could not stop myself the really bad thing is my father noticed and in the days just before he died he confronted me about it calling me everyname in the book and how I was scum to steal his meds.......I wasn't there when he died I was in a six month addiction behavior drug rehab.............
Get your wife into an inpatient detox then straight into an inpatient drug rehab....
She has a very serious disease and one day soon society will have to recognize addiction as a serious disease..........
If you wife had cancer wouldn't you do everything in your power to help her?
I don't know how old you and your wife are but if she was gone for a week for detox and a month at least for drug rehab thats five weeks for the rest of your lives......a very small piece of time to spend on your wife and the mother of your children.........think about it...........

[beachtowel]

one post maybe hinted towards the wife wasn't holding up her part of the bargain......
nobody here is judging her I think most posts were trying to get him to understand...........
your comment:
pretending I was her and finding myself feeling pretty F'n upset. I dont think this is the way. She either wants help or she doesnt.
She either wants help or she doesn't how is that statement helping anything?
she needs help desperately and so does he........

[bettie1976]

I know she NEEDS help but the fact that she NEEDS it doesnt make it so she WANTS it. Get the point? I thought I was pretty clear. Put yourself in her shoes. Then read it again.

[road2recovery]

This is a tough one for you...i agree with everyone's post..They all make sense just in a different way..
Okay maybe ask yourself"could you stop right now???  then that answers the question for her...it doesn't matter that you have pain and she dosn't...That is not the case for addicts..it is a disease..she needs help...I need help, and i am clean and i know i still need help...
i don't want to get sick again..Sick people steal and lie...not healty ones..
i  hope this helps some..
eveyone will give you different opinions but she is your wife, and she needs help...i think that is the bottom line of it all..
r2r

[lunachick]

Yeah i knew i needed help for years....that still wasn't enough to make myself step foot into a detox center..

[beachtowel]

Have you read my posts here I thought I made is very clear............

[bettie1976]

I just wanted this back up at the top for you. Sorry for the turn it took.

[Spacemonkey]

I can sympathize with you and your wife.  I constantly stole my wife's pills and even after she'd catch me doing it, I played the "This is the last time" game every single time --- and then I'd do it again the next day.  She finally hit the wall and threw me out for a week.  For about the first 3 days I was mad as hell at her. Then I realized that SHE didn't do this to me, I DID !   Addiction is not something anyone WANTS to be enslaved to or can control, however she CAN control the recovery (thanks beachtowel!)

I've been without painkillers for 8 weeks (almost 9) and my wife still takes painkillers because she has a genuine NEED for them (fibromyalgia and Osteo-arthritis).  The big difference now is that she keeps ALL her meds in a pad-locked closet and THEN inside a locked fire-safe (Home Depot $25). She only rarely leaves a pill bottle sitting around (usually on her nightstand) and I've gotten into the habit of taking them straight to her and asking her to put them up.  She understands how hard the addiction is to deal with and has been a wonderful support for me.  We both know that if I REALLY wanted to, I could easily pick both the pad-lock and the safe without her knowing, but I refuse to break the trust between us that we have had to rebuild thanks to addiction. This is only what worked for me and might not work at all for someone else; I know if I REALLY got inside myself and let myself get out-of-control for drugs, I would pop that safe like a milk carton. But again, I know that my wife TRUSTED me enough to let me back into her life and if I broke that trust I would never forgive myself and I'd probably swallow my shotgun out of self hatred.

Talk to her about it and how it makes you feel.  At first, she'll probably get really mad. That's what I did.... it was completely irrational and doesn't make any sense but that's what I did.  Chances are, she is experiencing alot of self-loathing from stealing the pills and won't admit it (truly admit it to herself; she'll pay "lip service" but don't expect alot more) because it hurts too much to face that demon.  I did this too.  It took me about 3-4 days to get through that stage.  Then tell her that it's not that you don't trust HER, it's that you don't trust the hold that the pills have on her, and you're going to keep them locked up and WAY out of sight from now on.  Then make an appointment with an addiction specialist and/or a medical doctor to get her weened off the pills.

I feel really bad for you because I know what horrible pain I caused my wife when I fed my addiction with her pills. Even worse, when I had taken all of hers, she didn't have ANY to take for her REAL pain!  Realizing that I was PHYSICALLY HURTING my wife was a horrid revalation.

Good luck with talking to her and don't be afraid of making what seems like a "hard stand" on what has to be done:  Lock up the pills, Keep them out of sight FROM NOW ON, and don't keep the safe in plain sight.  There's alot greater chance of beating this monster if she doesn't have to SEE them or where they are kept every day.

Like I said, this is only how I got off pills.  I'm not naive enough to believe that this will work for everyone. A determined addict is a fearsome beast and no amount of hiding, locking, etc... will stop them if they REALLY want pills.

[angel47630]

I am leaving the board due to all the fighting that goes on as I found it disruptive to my support and recovery.

However, I felt a real connection to  you as we had so many similar childhood issues and used to cover childhood pain........please feel free to email me here and I will stay in contact with you.........

God bless you,
Karen