To everyone

[A.S.]

Hey everyone.. This is my second time postig. Im not to good at this kind a thing, so here I go. Been clean 23 days and no opiates. I work in a professional job so Im here every other day to catch up on the forum. My heart goes out to everybody detoxing. Ive been putting quiting in my head for months and did it. This forum and all U people contributed. When I got the urge I went to the forum and read everyones story, thats what saved me. Just wanted to write a little something this mornin. Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel.... AS

[SHOTSY]

I hear you buddy. I'm doing a little search and rescue down here for you guys. I want you to post up at the top so you don't get over  looked down here. You should be on your 4th day now,right? The folks on this forum are great and will help, but we've got to get you up to the top. See you up there. Shotsy

[RocketBoy81]

hi folks

this is my first time writing to a forum so bear with me--basically my addiction to hydrocodone started nearly 2 years ago with a legitimate shoulder injury.  I had an orthopedic dr. who was generous on his pain meds.  However i was also going through career changes and not good ones at that, so the meds only helped my feelings. I also began to suffer from depression badly. SO of course i took more meds to treat that, not realizing it was only making teh depression worse! After my run with the orthodpedic dr was over i turned to faking congestion and "coughs" in order to obtain hydrocodone based cough syrup.  I actually fell in love with the cough syrup. I even used my children as "tools" to obtain the meds from their pediatrician.  I began to visit clinics weekly rotating from one to the other.  Sometimes i didnt get what i wanted but most times i did.  However, once the meds ran out-(and it didnt take long-i have built quite a tolerance to them)-i was so depressed-beyond almost being able to function--but if i landed some meds i would perk up and be fine. I began to hate myself, what i had become and what i was doing to my family without them even knowing it.  I confessed to my wife one time and sougth help through a doctor-but that only lasted for about 2 1/2 weeks and i went back on them.I am only 2 days clean at this point--i have prayed and prayed for strength--at this point i am not physically in pain or restless but its more of a mind thing. I want my world to be completely free of this stuff--i want to find happiness in life itself--not in something that is controlling me--i have basically become a slave to the meds.  And i know i cant go through life getting them--One day it will HAVE to stop--i will run out of money or options--or someone will catch on-if they havent already yet--i visit alot of pharmacies!
The other factor is I have a good paying job, nice home, great family, and much going for me--but it will all get pissed away eventually if this keeps up!
Please if any of you have advice i would love to hear from you!

Thanks
Rocket

[jennyfla]

Just catching up from a week off on vacation!
Good luck to you, i think 'today' is your first day of detox!
Just wanted to wish you all the luck in the world!
Stay strong, and if you want it bad enough and are really ready, then you will success and blossom!!!!
Lv Jenny

[ssfr]

thanx a lot for your  kind words and encouragement- i fully understand the suggestion to post daily while going through the bad times- problem is that i personally do not have a computer and since i have to use someone elses- that i can only get online a couple of times a week- anyway- so far  my efforts have not been successful- there are probably several reasons for this-but i suppose a really significant reason is that since it is so daggone hard- that i will really, really have to devote all my strength, mental faculties, and internal power to make it work- like so many of the folks who post here- my options are limited- i cant take any time off of work to ride out the inner storm, treatment facilities are absolutely out of the question, financial resources are for all purposes non existent, my wife has passed away- other family members that i could count on for support have all moved away- except for my 89 year old mom who although she still lives alone independently- i have to visit weekly - she is
120 miles away to take to the store ect- but she in no way would ever be able to understand the problems that i have created for myself- anyway- i guess the only folks i can count on for support reside within the confines of this forum- so- once or twice a week- i will get to read about people going through the same thing i am going through- and hopefully get the strength i need to achieve a mortal victory over that old fire breather-
anyway- thanx for "listening"

[skipper]

ssfr:
just wanted to take a few moments to let you know that i've been
thinking of your struggle to free yourself from the "draggon."
hope everything works out. sometimes it takes several attempts
to get moving, so don't give up on yourself, i know i haven't given
up on you!

keep angel on your shoulders
kip

[Milo]

All I can say is a humble thank you. Actually, THANK YOU!!! One of the results of my misadventures and my "friends'" reaction has been feeling completely worthless, like scum of the earth. To know that I have helped someone out as you said means everything to me. You're right about the people on this forum, God bless 'em. Like depression, I truly believe you have to experience addiction to understand it, and the people here surely do.
Maybe life is going to improve -- I worked like hell around the house today and got more done in one day than I have in probably three years! I can't believe I felt such energy and motivation. It feels great.
Just know that I'll be there for you whenever you need, want, or just feel like a chat -- even if it's every day! BTW you can also reach me at ***@****.
Hope you enjoyed your ride! -- Peace, Milo

[mickytim]

We all are wishing and hoping for you to stay strong and focused in the coming days, as rough as it is, remeber you have ears all over the world when you came to this post. You have friends you never thought you had, who have been there and will be there with you!
Just a reminder you might want to look at some past post for some extra help.  Everyone here has some good ideas to help with the fuzzys, creepys and withdrawls. Best of luck!

Strength to you and all!

Peace

mickytim

[Witchywoman]

Hi ssfr..I just wanted you to know that I'll be thinking of you and sending you healing vibes and support while you are doing your detox.   I have one suggestion though...it might help for you to post every day, instead of waiting until wednesday to let us know how you are. If you are like me, it helps to write about how you are doing, and to get support from others.

But..do what works for you..we are here if you need us!

good luck to you,
love,
WW

[ssfr]

thanx everyone for your  kind words and encouragement- d-day (detox day) i have decided to set for monday- i have enough meth tablets for 3-4 days- skip- from my limited understanding about what you said about gamma receptors- it sounds like that it might really have a chance of working- (of course i am not so dumb to not realize that the vast majority of the chance of success has to do with my desire to make it work) anyway- i am going to give it a real try- and will repost around wedensday or so about how it worked- if it works for me , it could work for anyone-   and anything i can do to help someone else would be great- wish me luck, and a few prayers wouldnt hurt either- i am a little frightened about the whole thing

[mickytim]

Isn't it funny that it takes a accident or death or something else to find out who your TRUE friends are? People who might have cried on your shoulder for years, now look at you different!
Can anyone comment on that? Ok they say " well we have our own lifes to live", but isn't that what friendship and love is about.
Milo we are bretherin in that in our illness, No one but the people on this line, and I mean no one but these people have not judged us, or made us feel like all my Dr's have made me feel, like a number or wierd thing. Now I feel your pain, you have felt mine.
I'm not brave or any different than you because, I have read all your words of encouragement to others. 4 years are gone BUT the future is ahead!
What's the saying" I'll rest when I'm dead", We'll WE have a chance to change things, I'm changing my future, Milo I know you can change yours. And I'll be here along with WW( Hi WW ) and jennyfla, and WIZ and all the others, I promise I won't turn my back on someone who in 2 weeks has made me feel welcome, encouraged, and heard my cries for help with pain in my heart and body. And yes I'm an Addict to!
Now it's time to go outside and get some air on my motorcycle ( Goldwing )Thats my drug of choice, I just forgot about it while I was feeling sorry for myself.  Who knows maybe I'll get lucky and get a little Summthin Summthin
Thanks Milo from man to man yo yo yo peace out

mickytim

[Milo]

I can't tell you how moved I was by your story. You have displayed so much courage and resilience in the face of pain that would drive most people to despair. That's an inspiration to me, and I'm sure to others also!
My nutshell story: Treated a few years ago for severe anxiety + panic, severe headaches, OCD, and IBS. Any one of these could make life misery & hell, but can you imagine the combination? We got the OCD under control, but anxiety & IBs remained, and I started overusing then abusing Fioricet for headaches. Was on antianxiety, antidepressant, and several pain meds. This was also an unusually stressful period of my life. Don't know whether it was the combination of meds, the stress, just "my time" to fall apart, or all of the above, but I just lost it -- missed a lot of work, neglected the most basic social activities and neatness, fell into depression. What hurt most was that my "concerned friends" turned their backs on me when I didn't respond the way they thought I should. So I fel I've lost about 4 years to all of this, as you have to physical troubles. I'm with ya, friend, and I hope we both emerge happy & whole. -- Milo

[mickytim]

Thank you and all for your caring thoughts and prayers.

I agree with you that it may seem like i'm beating myself up, But it really is NOT that way because, I love life and always have smile on my face(even in 0 degree weather). It's just on here I see all of you have been through this like me for 30 years, if not one thing it's another( come from a long line of alcholics).

Long story short version, Clean from coke and other recreational druge since 1989. Work hard, work out harder, run 5 to 10 miles a day, lift weights, and follow strict diet. Wake up in April 1998 can't move legs. Findout I have degeneritive disk, it's gone,only bone hitting bone, catchs nerve. I have fusion operation(walk in 215 lbs soilid) great shape. Only take meds 3 days, Blew dr's away but I knew I like them! so don't do them been clean to long.
1.5 months Dr's amazed at progress say let's try Phys theropy. I go to threopy for only movement, PHT says no, your farther than that let's try the stationary bike, Shatters the fusion, end up on stomach for 2 weeks till swelling goes down enough to operate. Can't tell you about the pain in human terms, except ulltimate. Have 3 emergancy ops, extensive nerve damage, very little use of left leg.  Dr's (many) SSI and IME's say nothing can be done, just medicate hope for the best. Thats just great!360 percs amonth 40mgs oxy 3x a day and growing, and mickytim losses it. all this time I'm the pillar of stength and know have got to get strength from them(family). Anyway, I want out of this spiral don;t know how, not getting any help from any DR except meds.  
It's April 2001 I want out, and turn on the Boston marathon(big sports fan GO JETS)and see people with no legs, in wheelchairs, running a marathon,WHAT! how can they do that? You know you can't be on pain killers cause they blood test.
Go to Penn State Olympic Trials for disabled. I'm crushed and moved at what I see, and think this is what I want, So I aask around to others what they do for pain. Belive it or not some were insulted because of what they have over come, but told me that there is another level, and it takes time to get there but it's there, but just like any other problem you must give into it.
I do something I havn't done in 25 years I pray, and give into it(not a holy roller)stop meds cold turkey esspecially oxy's, fail a few times on the percs, but haven't touch oxy since may.Close to 20 days clean from percs.
Go from 325 to 260lbs, threw my cane away, and have started a new life excercising and just pushing it. Yes it's painful but worth every minute of it, I'm finding my level!!
But, now i'm burdened with the fact that for 3years I forgot about my strength, and feel like I was a crutch to my family, I lost my wife because I thought I was no longer the man she needed and told her to get a better life( we are still the best of friends, she reads these to)and have started to reach out to each other again because she sees the difference(hey got to get summ summthin sumthin ya no)My daughter helped me tie my shoes and put on my socks when I thought I could'nt do it myself, which I do now.
Three years, I can't help think that I just wasn't the best example as a father, a husband and this is my pain. My daughter is very aware of my family's past and my past, and I can't help thinking that as a father, I lost three years of helping her understand this differently.
This is my pain
But it's NOT MY LIFE!! If a person can run a marathon with no legs so can mickytim!
Sorry for rambling but I feel so much better, Thank you again for all you continuing prayers and words of encouragment.
Peace

mickytim

[Milo]

If we're honest (and I've seen more honesty on this forum than I have just about anywhere else in my life), all of us feel guilt and shame for some reason. Not just the folks on the forum and others with drug problems -- the only difference between us and all those "normal" folks who would condemn us is that most of them could pass a drug screen while many of us could not. We make convenient scapegoats because our faults are often so obvious. I'm not saying we shouldn't take responsibility for our actions, but that's different from continually beating ourselves up. For a long time I thought of myself as "a bad person" because of my problems. Through this forum I have come to understand that having a drug problem (or any other problem for that matter) does *not* make us bad people. If "forum angels" like Cindi, Thomas, Jenny, Wiz, Kerrie, and Jules, and J.B. (please forgive me, anyone I've left out!) are "bad people," then the world makes no sense at all, but I'm in very good company! Now is the time to stop beating yourself up over mistakes in the past, my friend. Coming here is a great start. From your description of your daughter, it sounds like she's turned out not only fine, but excellent, I'd say. I know that you are a loving father -- otherwise you wouldn't care what effect your actions had on her or anyone else. More evidence is that she acknowledges this by loving you in return. I know it's hard -- especially if others have condemned or rejected you, as they did me -- but I hope you are able to start reevaluating the way you view yourself. I'll be here to help any way I can, count on that. Bless your heart -- Milo

[mickytim]

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and your true feelings. You make this forum such a great place to come and share our feelings, and I see that there are so many new names and faces, I give you all the credit, THANK YOU!!. Once again I truly am choked up.

WW, jennyfla, your kind words about my daughter leed me to say this about her, that when I look at her, and feel all the shame and dispear as a father, It is so beautiful to be looked back at by her with only love.

Yesterday she moved away with her mother to NY,( her mother lives there ), To go to school.  She din't want to go because all her friends are here in PA, but she went through 3 different interveiws, sitting up like a young woman, and spoke so ellaquently, that I as her father, I felt so unbeliveably proud that her strength continues to shine through.  I'm sitting there almost in tears because everytime I see her in a tough situation as a father you want to comfort her , But it is always the other way around, she excells and shows so much maturity( she is also a Black Belt in Goo Shu and Ive seen this in her fights to. She is the reining PA State Champ 2 years in a row Keystone State Games).

I'm a Lucky guy

Lots of luck to all

mickytim

[skipper]

ssfr:
first of all, welcome to the forum! theres always room for one more
among us.
about the methadone-- the amount you take depends on what & how
much you want to be detoxxed from. i'm reluctant to give advice
here, as there are just too many variables. if you do decide to go
this route, you may have to expierment to find what works out best.

if my memory serves me well (and it sometimes doesn't), methadone
affects the gamma receptors. most short acting narcotics affect
the beta receptors. also short acting narcotics will activate the
receptors that met-encaphlin (spelling) activates.

if you decide to expierment with methadone, don't take any benzo's like valium, etc. because you can get some real nasty unpredictable results. save the benzo's for afterwards.

the amount of time is variable. i've seen treatment centers "detox"
junkys in as short a time period as 3-5 days. here again it all
depends on what and how much you've used.

good luck- keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[Witchywoman]

Others have posted here saying that they have successfully used Methadone for a few days to withdraw from Heroin, but I personally haven't got any experience with it. I am sure some others on the board will have more of an ability to help you with this question.

Good luck to you in your detox, and please keep us posted!

WW

[Witchywoman]

Wow..you have one hell of a daughter! I hope that she learns that addiction is nothing to play around with.

I should have learned that lesson, watching both my mom's battle and eventually recovery from alcoholism.  I don't know if I ever would have become an addict had I not been given the pills for the very real chronic pain, but an addict I now am, and an addict I will forever be.

How are you doing in your work to stay free of the demon? Are you taking anything for the pain now that you are off the oxy's?

love,
WW

[Milo]

Bless your heart -- hang in there, as distant as it seems, relief is possible. The problem is there doesn't seem to be a systematic way to treat these kinds of problems. I'm doing pretty well right now, but finding the right combination of meds was literally an accident. I know that tired, weak feeling is really awful. There were days when climbing a few stairs (to go to the bathroom of course!) was like a horrendous task. I wish you the best and keep you in my thoughts & prayers. -- Milo

[ssfr]

hi- just have a question for you- i know that there are many out there who have gone through methodone maintenance programs- i have also noted that these programs can last several years- my question is: does methodone affect the receptors the same way as other opiates?  what i am getting at here is, if one lets say took a meth dosage sufficient to obviate  withdrawal symptoms from other opiate usage, and took that dosage for several days- (long enough that if one was totally off all opiates- they would be totally detoxed- lets say 3-4 days i understand the worse of the withdrawal symptoms would be gone)- anyway- would 3-4 days of meth usage without anything else like lortabs, oxys etc- would that negate the  withdrawal symptoms of the oxys etc?  i really want to get clean- and have an opportunity to get a few meth tabs- i am told you dont get high on them- which is exactly what i want- i just  want them to help me so i wont suffer withdrawals so badly while getting clean- any comments and suggestions would be appreciated. thanx

[jennyfla]

Thanks for thinking of me sweetie!
I hope you're feeling better soon!
Lv Jenny

[Kerrie]

Hi Jenny. I meant to post with the one to Milo but it posted before I was done. I appreciate your concerns. I hope this finds things looking up for you. I'll make this one was short as I need to get to bed. God Bless you and everyone.
        Kerrie

[Kerrie]

Hi friends. Boy do I get tired Milo. I make my granbabies take a nap everyday mainly so I can lay down. I don't feel like watching kids but the way the economy is, my kids can't afford these daycares. Not to mention I don't trust just anybody with my babies. But I get so tired and weak. I find it somedays so hard to get out of bed just from being wore out. These meds are suppose to make me a new woman. That would be nice but I think the old one is going to win out. I feel like my problems stem from having intestine removed during two surgeries, in order to make a continent urostomy pouch. But the gastro doc seems to think it could be the Amyloidosis still.ut , like you, I'm trying to not let it rule my life. I'll keep you informed.

[mickytim]

Thanks WW you sound like a great person with alot to look forward to.
I on the other hand am a great lier when it came to meds but I never lied about the pain, in turn made more pain in my heart because I keep wanting to get off of them and Dr's keep giving them to me because they know the pain is real and I'm diffently addicted to them but they feel that is the only recourse because there are no more operations in my future.

It has come full circle WW, because now my daughter is going into HS and with everything out there, I feel, that If I don't make an example now, I'll possibly lose her to the, "well you do it" sindrome.

The hardest thing in the world was that my child saw me as vulnerable and down, addicted, and lost( I'm sorry this hurts me so much to write this and live this ), she has been through this with me and encourages me everyday, A KID, 13, with stength like that, and then to see me detox cold turkey and sit there with me (off the oxys), telling me everyday she's proud of me !!!!( this hurts to much to finish see ya later

[jennyfla]

That's ok, allow yourself the time to grieve for the person inside you who was lost for a long time.  But think ahead to the future, and how bright it's going to be with this addiction behind you!
You have one heck of a daughter, and just by her seeing what you've gone through and helping you through it, that, within itself, is a learning experience.  Hopefully, through your suffering, she will escape the trap of addiction in her lifetime!
I fear it too, i have three children, they the poor things have two addiction-type parents.  I just hope they have more sense than their parents did!
((HUGS)) we're here for you!
Lv Jenny