To use or not to use? That is the question!

[southernbelle]

i've been reading through the great posts here this sunday morning.  i love this place.
my question is....if you are in pain, what's so wrong with taking something that helps?  everybody here knows how good percocet works for pain....it works, by golly!  why stay in pain?  these pills help me function...i can cook, clean, drive, work, do everything while i'm taking them.  without them, i'm such a MESS!  i read all of your success stories, and they are so inspiring.  but right now, at this point in my life....i don't have the energy or will to get off these things.  i'm scared to do it, scared to live without them.  UGH!  why does it have to be so complicated?  love and peace to everybody, hope everybody is having a pleasant day, truly.  what goes through your mind when the question comes up-- "should i swallow this pill?"  what do you tell yourself, what goes through your mind?  and to expand on the question, what do you tell yourself to NOT swallow that pill?

[WifeofAddict]

To live or not to live, could that be the question?  
I don't have an addiction....but from being with my husband through this time i know that he could have easily killed himself with the amount he had gotten himself up to in taking pills.  Also, my uncle died of codiene....he took a lot and eventually (now this is gross) he literally threw up his stomach!  From the post here...it sounds like with withdrawal you go through a period of pain....and then it slowly gets better?  This is what i have read here.  So keep that in your head....it will get better.  Also, from all that i have read here....aren't you just making the pain last longer by withdrawing slowly?  I am sorry you are feeling this way.  My husband went through withdrawals for 5 days...after he went C/T.  He was in sooo much pain.  I didn't know what to do.  I just rubbed A535 over him and ran him baths.  After the physical withdrawals were over...it was more mental.  You have an addiction, and so for you to take a pill because you are in pain....will turn into 2 pills...to 3 pills...then before you know it you are back to where you started.  Then you will have to go through it all over again.  Please keep trying hard...don't give up....there is a great life out there waiting for you to live it up.  You deserve freedom from these pills.  
Stay strong....keep your head high....and hold tight....it will get better.
Catherine.
P.S.  Again....i am not addicted...but i just saw your message and thought i would comment on things i have heard over and over again here in this forum...as well as the things my husband has said to me.

[saveyourself]

Hey Girl,

Your posts have been always helpful and up lifting since I went through my withdrawls here with you all.  The only time IMHO a pill popper or addict will stop using is when they want to stop no matter what it takes or the pain from using becomes worse than the physical pain some of us have to live with.

I understand your viewpoint, if it feels good, your living a normal life and taking meds as prescribed, whats the problem?  For me I used successfully for many years. I do believe that the drugs help me overcome some my self esteem issuses, yet somewhere ,sometime I crossed that invisible line that I had become an addict.  The drugs no longer worked for me, but against me. It was downhill for the next 5 years.  Thank God, I got clean and in a 12 step program.

I went to the funeral of a good friend I had knowm in recovery on Weds., he had gotten in a motorcycle accident, 33 yesrs old, left behind a wife and 3 kids.  I knew him from the program 1990 to 96 and thought well he died clean.  Since I have been going back to meetings and getting reaquainted with many old recovery friends, I found out that he was on a prescripton drugs for a knee injury, percocet, one of my drugs of choice by the way.  The question a few asked was it his impaired reaction time due to meds that maybe could of prevented his death.  Only God and Bill, the deceased know the answer to that one.

For me I have 30 days opiate free tomorrow. It ain't been easy. But it sure is worth it.
God bless
Greg

[madeline]

Hey there,

You sound just like me.  I have been
on percocent since my knee surgery
and wound up staying on them because they
make me feel so good.  I also was able
to quit smoking and drinking ( I drank
on the weekends) because the percocent
I guess replaced it.  But now I wish I
was on nothing.  But I know how you feel.
I take them and its so easy for me to work
clean cook, etc.  The thing that wants
be to get off them is that I know it is
going to be a hell when I stop and I sure
want that out of the way.  I dont want
to have that as something I HAVE to look
forward to.. Thats why I am on the boards
cause I am trying to wean, but as an addict
it doesnt work all the time.  Some days
I stay to my weaning process others I say
what the heck and just take as many as I
want.  I havent made a point of detox cause
I am waiting to hear about a job.  I really
want the job, then I will HAVE to wean.
If I dont get the job, I think I am just
gonna go into a detox.  I dont like
thinking I have this WITHDRAWAL hanging
over my head should I run out of pills.
I would rather do withdrawals as a plan.
So you see, you cant rely on the pills
I think, cause what if you lost them
or couldnt get them.  And then when you
least expect it you had no choice but
to go thru hell.

I hope I can help you, and I hope you can
help me.  Greg (saveyourself) is a big
inspiration to me as he did it, and
is hanging in there, and he too has a family
and job to worry about.

Well good luck to you.  I just took two
more before I sat down.,  What a shame
I need percocets to make me feel good
or at this point NORMAL>

[madeline]

I am sorry I meant to comment my
post to gem1angel, not southernbelle.

Madeline

[lisabet]

Hi Southernbelle - God, I know what you're saying about the pills. I'm sorry to admit it, but I LOVE the little suckers; seems like I function so much better when I'm on them. I've tapered down to 4 the last couple of days, I take 2 at 8:00 am, 1 at 2:00 and the last one at 8:00. I felt pretty good the first day, yesterday sucked and so does today (here I go complaining again!)...smile.  I know EXACTLY how you feel. I know in my case the craving is at least 75% mental; the reason I think this is as soon as I swallow that little pill, I IMMEDIATELY start feeling better - there's no way it can get in my bloodstream that quick! :)  I think we need to take Frank Vaio's advice (see thread below) and envision the pills as a really bad threatening person and just beat the hell out of them with a baseball bat!...hee-hee.  My problem, as I told him, was I tended to look at them as friends rather than foe. Maybe I need to change my attitude towards them. Rex said he flushed his pills down the toilet and gave them the finger as they went down. If I did that, I'd probably end up diving in the toilet trying to reprieve them (remember that scene in "Trainspotting"?)...smile.  I'm thinking of ya, SB, Take care.
saveyourself: congratulations on 29 days clean - I'm so happy and proud of you. You're an inspiration to all of us. Love, Lisabet

[PING]

i am close to being where you are tapering, but if i take one at night, no rest or sleep, people talk about taking them to rest, i have night mares and all kind of bad dreams, any opaites does me like that. just wondering if any one else is like that. thanks for listening. i have been reading all the posts, and i really enjoy reading about the ones thats making progess.
                            lee.

[theGolden1]

I am getting ready to start tapering down from 4 tramadol tablets a day to zero (hopefully) Although it's hard to find any real information about this drug .... I did find something on ultram withdrawal symptoms. It said " If you stop abrubtly you can get anxiety, pain, insomnia, sweating, tremor,diahrea and respitory problems". A gradual decrease in dosage will help prevent these symptoms (they said) .... I am very concerned about "TREMORS" and "RESPIRATORY PROBLEMS"!!  Does anyone know what kind of respiratory problems they are talking about? There are so many drugs available to help with kicking methadone or percecet ..... what about ultram? I was told to take valium ... but I really hate that stuff. I was going to get some vicodin from the internet .... but I changed my mind after reading this board. What if taking ultram for 2 years has turned me into a full blown addict and I don't realize it? What if I intend to use the vikes for detox ... but I start going whacky with pills?
I don't believe that I will .... but what if I'm wrong? I'm afraid to chance it .... besides, I don't know the correct way to substitute. I mean dose for dose of vicodin for ultram .... I need help!

[teeitup]

There are a lot of us in the same boat where we need some real pain relief. Just be honest with yourself when you take them, is it for real pain or to cope with life. Set realistic goals for yourself and stick to a plan, be as active as possible and low dosages for real pain and you'll be fine. Good luck!

teeitup!

[lisabet]

hi - goldie - sounds like you're kinda panicky - I've been there myself. From what I've read on the internet and on this forum, I don't think withdrawals from ultram is life threatening.  It is the benzos that are dangerous when withdrawing from them (such as ativan, valium, etc.) However, if you still have pills, I wouldn't abruptly discontinue them, but keep tapering till you're down to one a day. Vicodins are my drug of choice; you may be trading one evil for another if you use them.  I would guess that (1) 10/325 vicodin would substitute (1) dose of ultram.  Hope you find what works best for you.  Good luck to you sweetie, if you want to yak one-on-one you can e-mail me anytime at ***@****.
Love, Lisabet.

[iwant2bhappy]

i know what you mean about pain. i am not the best at having pills in my possession and not taking them all even when not in pain, but when i'm out of pills, i am left with the worst back pain. i want to be able to take them as needed and not as wanted. also i have been off of my pills for roughly 3 in a half weeks and finally feeling great without them(withdrawl wise). my refill is in 2 days and i cant wait cause this advil aint getting it. however i dont look foward to the pimples, chocolate cravings, weight gain, depression, and mood swings that go along with taking these things. how do you weigh the two. pain verses side effects, not to mention the withdrawls all over again if i slip.

[bmac]

Hey man those gemlins chase ya at night while on opiates?
Me too especially oxy. I hope all is well around the 's' house these days, your friend  Bill

[theGolden1]

The last time I tried to taper .... I cut down 1/2 a pill (25mil of ultram) and I had back pain for 9 days. I was also coming down with something. I wonder if the back pain was due to my run down state at the time. I didn't have any other withdrawal symptoms accept back pain. When I quit vicodin 2 years ago (post surgery) I didn't have such intense pain. I was tired, felt sore and achey (achy) and lethargic(depressed) It was over in 3 days. In 5 days I was "normal" again. Ok ... in a month I was really normal.
I am going to try to taper from ultram one more time. Maybe it will be better this time. Wouldn't that be a blessing?

[Jennibean]

You actually have to be more careful detoxing from ultram than percocet or vicodin. Ultram has a ton of seizure warnings and even if you haven't had a problem with seizures during treatment with Ultram you can still have them in withdrawal. A friend of mine just went through this but the detox center I used to work at we saw alot of seizures from ultram abuse and withdrawal. I don't really think switching to vicodin or percocet is a great idea since they are alot stronger than ultram and if you like ultram you are going to love vicodin and percocet. Your best bet is to taper as low as you can until you are taking one a day. Is 4 a day the most you have taken? That really isn't an extremely high dose if that's the case you really shouldn't have too much of a problem. My friends Dr did taper her from the ultram and did add klonopin for 2 weeks to help her but like someone said klonopin is a benzo and you do have to wean from that also. The two week course she is on has a constant wean included as her withdrawal from ultram gets better, she started on 3 a day then 2 then 1 then 1 every other. Do a google search on ultram withdrawal and taper just so that you are well informed. My friend has detoxed off of vicodin many times and actually said teh ultram withdrawal made her feel a little worse but lasted for a shorter period. She is now on no ultram though and on just 1 klonopin a day and already is feeling fine so she says. Good Luck

[iwant2bhappy]

maybe i dont belong here either. i thought that this was a place where people communicate to one another. i know i havent posted a question but i have posted comments and would love to hear from somebody, anybody. i need yall you guys are the only ones that will ever understand what i am going through. even my husband though very supportive doesnt know what i am really going through. maybe i am just emotional today, cause normally i am not this weepy and needy, but i do need someone to talk to who lives in the same world of pills that i do.

[Bungee7]

Hey...

If you ever need anybody to talk to just post and I will respond. Or you can instant message me on AIM @ Bungee7 (that goes for anybody).

I think that a chat room would be great for all of us. Maybe we should all give out our AIM or AOL Screen names so we can talk to each other when ever we need it......

[teeitup]

Just keep posting and reading, you can email me @ ***@**** I try and check 3 or 4 times a day. I'll even give you a number to reach me during the day if you need it! Hang in there!

teeitup!

[pon]

Hi...you belong here if you want to be here...everyone here has different reasons for being here, different reasons for using, different reasons for wanting to quit....none of those are really important except to ourselves, what is important to everyone is trying to help each other and accepting help.

I'm not sure if you need to be here, only you know...I do know that you are welcome here.  Your situation sounds pretty much the same as mine, except that I am fortunate enough to have an end in sight to my pain...without the pills.   I am not saying that I used them JUST for the pain, I did not, I used lots more because I loved the feeling.  It felt great.  

But after 4 months of using more and more after the pain was gone, I realized that my life was slipping away from me and that I was becoming a slave.  A slave to the vikes.  

I didn't want that.  I am a recovering alcoholic, a pretty good one, my 15 YEAR anniversary was 12/27/2002...and ther I was on the same path with the vikes.  I made a decision that no physical pain was worse than the agony I felt seeing my life slip away, and being unable to resist it.  I have a wonderful family, 2 beautiful daughters, a third due in 3 weeks, a farm and a very good high paying job...and I was trading all that for the pills.  I can't take them only for the pain...I always want more.  "One is too many and 10,000 is not enough".

You have to decide for yourself if you want what they bring to your life.  Only you can tell if your physical pain is endurable, or if there is another way to treat it.  Only you can make yourself use only at the perscribed level for pain.  Only you can decide if the feeling more pills give you is worth the price.  Withdrawl is hard, pain is terrible...but only you can decide which is your path.  Your choice.

Sorry that we haven't been able to be there as quickly as you may have needed...everyone here gives help and needs the help of others.  I know when I first started posting I needed help quick and there wasn't always someone there immediately...everyone tries to help, but we all also try to be as patient as we can...we are all here for each other.

I am at 116 days off hydro and happy that I am.  I have my final surgery (hopefully) on feb 11th and will have some of my physical pain back...but I will not use hydro or any other opiate then...I can't.  The price I would pay for that is worse than the pain.  I might not quit again...I might lose all that I love in my life.  Doesn't mean the same applies for you...

I hope that we can help you.  I'll keep a watch for your posts and try.  If you want you can e-mail me at ***@**** check as often as I can...

Please take care...the choice to make is yours...but folks here may help you reach whatever is right for you...at the very least they will listen and understand.

prayers

pon

[cakes]

You all are great! I started weening off of vicodin about a week ago. I had 1/2 today and 1/2 tommorrow and then no more. I've been on them for about 2 years for a ruptured disc in my back. It numbed the pain in my back and everything else in my life. I want the old me back - even if it means pain. (Did I say that?)
Cakes

[iwant2bhappy]

my goodness what a wonderful feeling. day after day several times a day i have logged on hoping to get a personal reply, thanks. i needed this today. i feel better now, i think alot of my emotions are because after almost a month of being clean, i will pick up my refill tomorrow. i do need these pills for pain and i just hope that when i take one my body doesnt go crazy and say more more more.we'll see. and if i cant then i know that i have to just suffer in pain but right now nothing else takes the pain away. see in my case unlike most, surgery cant fix this, surgery caused this. read my story at subject(withdrawal from hydrocodone). any way thanks again for for the support and pray for me, i dont want to die.

[pon]

hang in there...everyone is pulling for you.

pon

[teeitup]

Glad your feeling better, if you need them "use" don't "abuse". Limit how many you have access to through out the day. Remove them from any stash locations. I use to bring 2 or 3 with me to work now I bring 1, put them where your family or someone sees you get them it helps me cutback. Be strong and good luck!

teeitup!

[pon]

Hi...couldn't find your original post...hope you are doing OK...folks are here if you need them...

pon

[iwant2bhappy]

i just took one at noon, first time in a long while that i have only taken one pill. i dont crave to take any more than that however the pain hasnt budged. it might take a while to build up in my system, it is around 3pm now so maybe tomorrow i may feel less pain. if yall dont mind i am going to post every time i take a pill until tomorrow just to feel that i am being watched or something, call me crazy but i think that will help. i sure want to take another one or two cause just sitting here typing hurts and its messed up when you have the thing that will help but cant take it.

[pon]

Sorry that it hurts...I am not completeley pain free at thiis point, but mine is bearable and has an end in sight.  I am not really sure what to tell you about dealing with the pain if one tablet (I'm guessing that is your prescribed dose?) is not cutting the pain...

In your situation I would think that you need to work with your Dr to know what level of med you need to stop the pain without using for the feeling....With the choice you are facing, you need to know what will work just for the pain.  Then if your choice is to take it only at that level, you have firm ground to stand on to know your NEED rather than your WANT...

I hope someone else with more experience than me in this situation can chime in...I can't take it just for the pain...with me it is all or nothing....hang in there...no matter what route you take, if you get your life back it is worth it and you are worth it....have to head out for a bit.

pon

[teeitup]

Good job, take a little and wait as long as you can between doses.

After being in this forum for a month now it has helped me realize that some pain is better than to much hydro and no pain. I have legitmate pain and need relief, but I got to the point where it was to easy to take more hydro and have no pain. I've had to come to the realization that I have a pain problem that's lifetime and I can either "use" and have some relief or "abuse" and have 2 kinds of pain. Be srong and post!

teeitup!

[iwant2bhappy]

i just took another pill around 4pm. its finally starting to work. i guess it just took longer than before because before, i was taking way more than i was supposed to take so my back and everything else for that matter felt numb almost instantly. this time i realy want to use and not abuse and i think i can with all of you guys in my corner, but i have to say the "cravings for more" are waking up and are calling me. i guess its true that an addict cant self medicate as directed. i really want to prove that saying wrong.

[pon]

Good for you...I don't really know about the self medicating...like I said, I CAN'T...I do not have the strength of will...only complete abstinance works for me.

Sounds like you have found an amount that will help, but is not what your addiction is wanting--that is very good.  You should be very proud, you have taken a big first step...

stay with it and keep posting...

prayers,

pon

[iwant2bhappy]

still kicking strong!!!!! last night we went to the movies, thats why i didnt post my evening pill intake around 6pm, after the movie i went to bed without another dose. that is a huge hurdle that i jumped. this morning i took a dose around 8am. i took 2 instead of one, i know i know im weak. but i still didnt take what i use to take which was 5 or 6 at a time. i feel like i am playing a game with myself because i have this huge bottle of pills and practically no will power.

[suzieneedshelp]

Hey sounds like u are doing well!  Did u give your supply to a family member or friend to dole out to you.  DO not rely on your wil power. for most of us if they are there they call to us 24/7 to take more!   Our addictive disease will eventually convince you that one or 2 extra one time isnt so bad or some rationalization.  Believe me i have been there as have most of us!  Your mind will play tricks on you.  Best to set up your environment so you cant fail by not having access period!
Best wishes to you! and pain free well medication managed days ahead i hope!
Suzie

[teeitup]

Good work, one day at a time.

teeitup!

[Kurt Cobain]

Hello all,

Briefly. . .I have been an addict, I believe, since the day I was born.  From alcohol to narcotics, I have exceeded or abused every substance that would make me feel good -- and even sometimes ones that wouldn't in the hope that, if I took enough of them, they would.  I haven't been to this forum since early in 2001, after my second rehab.  Since that, I went through a much more serious period of use which ended, so far, on May 3, 2002, when I was arrested for passing fake scrips.  I am still awaiting trial but it looks good for me to do ARD, which is a program of NA meetings and random urines as well as meeting with a probation officer for a period of time, after which my record can be erased.  I guess the reason I'm writing tonight is I can really empathize with those of you who said percs, vics, and so on really "helped" you be more productive, live a normal life, and the like.  I always felt that way, and strongly, early on in my use as well. . .but as my tolerance built and I needed more and more (and strayed into the near-death/overdose range), I realized that, for me, I wasn't being helped or normalized anymore.  At the time of my arrest, I was taking 25 to 30 or more 5mg percs a day. . .usually orally but on many occasions when I could get alone, liquifying them in a syringe and shooting them up.  Over Easter 2002, I got an incredible infection in my left arm from a dirty needle (and no, I don't share, but I must have gotten sloppy about my disinfection methods. . .which I guess happens when you see three needles because you're so wasted).  I could have actually died without treatment, and even with monster hits of antibiotics from the ER doc and equally massive doses of antibiotic pills, my arm still swelled up, turned almost black, and drained fluid constantly for a week.  I could go on and on, but you get the idea.  I'm not here to preach or give a "lead" of any kind, and everyone has to decide for themselves how much pain they are in and the benefit vs. downside of taking anything.  Just was kind of alarmed, I guess, at hearing some of you guys say the same stuff I did to people when all I really wanted to do was fool myself and get high.  I'm far from perfect now, still have lots of room for improvement, but I can truly say that the last eight months have been so much better without narcotics it's unreal.  Since August of 1998, the longest I had gone without had been about five months, so one day at a time, so far so good, and so on.  My nickname here of Kurt Cobain is reflective of one of my favorite artists who will never write, sing or play again due to this damn disease. . .and to the family he left behind to go on without him.  As a daddy of two wonderful kids myself (my girl is 7 and my boy just turned 2), I can't imagine how badly I'd hurt them by taking myself away like that.  I can't help but feel Kurt's regret over this, too, sometimes. . .it's almost like he's been a guardian angel to me, in a way.  I've dreamed of him several times over the years where it seems he is telling me "don't do it" (commit suicide), as I am also a diagnosed, lifetime major depressive.  Hope I've said something that might help someone tonight.  Peace to all of you.

-- Kurt

[percsnomas]

.....Welcome  Back!!...

Hope you are going to hang around here.

Percs No More
(I'm am really happy for you; and am sure your lit'l ones are thrilled to have their Daddy back)

[teeitup]

Stay strong, I'll be thinking of you. Great post!

teeitup!

[Kurt Cobain]

Thanks, guys. . .glad to be back among those who Know.

-- Kurt

[FINISHED!!]

Hey Kurt,
First of....GREAT handle. If ever there was a great loss in the evolution of music it was ours in Kurt Cobain. I don't know if you're familiar with a band called Sublime. Growing up in Long Beach, CA. I knew this band & it's members well. Another great loss was my friend Bradley Nowell, lead singer of Sublime...Heroin overdose. After a year & some months of being clean, he loaded up a needle for one last hoorah & robbed his family, friends & fans of a great guy, musician & friend.

I hope you stick around. I am relatively new here (about 5 months) but your strength can be a great asset to the newer members.

Thanks for the GREAT post.

FINISHED!!

[leadchest]

hello sfcplt

i read your post about your nightmares.
been using street-smack and although it made me sleepy i often found it hard to fall asleep. but when i did i often had nightmares that i found incredibly frightening. i wouldnt have thought it could get that bad. woke up often scared and insecure
if not there is something in my room. those dreams were sometimes seeming very real and have clear pictures but i think most of all the feelings that came with them were such intense horror and despair that often i did not want to get back to sleep again. My (ex) girlfriend, with whom i started sticking the **** had them too. i always wondered if it was also due to the bad quality that we got on the street most of the time. but i guess if you have them on pharma-opiates it probably is because of the bad shape of the users dopamin-receptors or so.

it would be interesting though to hear if others in this forum
had similar experiences...

i wish you best of luck and some nice comforting dreams.
rob.

[Kurt Cobain]

Thanks for your kind words. . .it is the nature of this disease to want to cut us off from any support systems, especially others like ourselves.  This happened to me when me and my family moved in August.  I had been attending 12 step meetings where we used to live and had not (and still have not) sought meetings out where I now live.  My depression also makes me want to isolate, so this is a tough battle for me.  Ny visit to this board yesterday morning was the first "recovery" action I had really taken for months (other than not using).  I hope that if I have anything to say that will help anyone, it will come to me and I can share, as many of you help each other already.  All I can do is give my point of view right now. . .which is I am very grateful and appreciative of the way my life is now versus how it was when I lived in Hell.  I would never get off on anyone else's misery, but reading about withdrawal, anxiety about running out of pills, separation from family, and so on. . .is all helpful to me to make me appreciate the good things I have now that I never had while strung out.  Rather than feel superior in any way, I am just grateful that I made it out for one more day and eternally hopeful for all who are ravaged by these demons that they too can make it out alive and there is always hope.  There are so many times that by all rights I should have died (overdose, accident, suicide, etc.) that I have lost count.  I worked as a nursing assistant for many years with elderly people, many totally disabled due to Alzheimer's disease and other conditions of the aging process.  I remember the first time one of my patients, in a moment of extreme despair, asked me why she was still here (alive) and I said to her "You must have something left to do".  To this day I don't know where those words came from, because I myself had no idea what to say.  It was like the words and the thought came from somewhere else.  It was only later that I learned part of what that meant to me, as I learned things through my work from these extremely elderly people I never could have known otherwise at my age -- you might call it wisdom.  I guess that's the only thing I can use to explain my still being alive after all my self destruction -- there must be work for me to do.  

By the way, I am familiar with the group Sublime and the way the lead singer died. . .but did not know it was a one-shot after so long being clean.  That just makes it even sadder, to me. . .but know, everyone here reading this has a chance to make it out -- to not let this killer disease take our lives as well.

peace,

Kurt

[FINISHED!!]

Kurt,
  Isolation usually seems to be a pretty helpful tool at the time but my experience has been the exact opposite. But EVERY person is different in their recovery. You seem to have an astronomical amount of experience in addiction & I'm SURE that any input you have would be a great deal of help, influence & motivation to those in need. I have found that helping in anyway I can helps to further my own recovery. I have been clean for over 150 days now but the war is FAR from over. If I can help to make just ONE persons recovery a little bit easier, than I'm that much closer myself.

I'm sorry that the depression has such a tight hold on you but as you said, you have A LOT to be grateful for right now...a lot more than many. Your point of view is GREATLY appreciated & your experiences shared by many. Please try not to isolate yourself too much because I've learned that depression can feed on isolation. The more I visit this board, the better I seem to feel...though I don't really suffer from depression most of the time so I wont pretend to know what you're feeling. You seem to be a naturally caring individual with your past job regarding those suffering from alzheimers. Just try to remember your own comments regarding your fortunes as opposed to others misfortunes in the darker times. You've come a long way & I have faith that you'll continue on this path of recovery.

As far as Bradley from Sublime, it was a VERY sad situation for all of those who knew & loved him. If nothing else, those here who are doing Heroin should learn from his mistake. Just one dose of this poison can EASILY destroy many other lives other than your own.

Take care Kurt...You are in my thoughts & prayers & I hope that you SOON see the light at the end of this dark tunnel you seem to be in.

FINISHED!!

[minime]

Hello I loved Kurt and I was devastated when he died.  Both him and Lennon were idols of mine and now both of them are gone. It pisses me off that those like Lennon who wrote of love and peace get shot down in the prime of their lives and then someone like Marilyn Manson (sp) are still here to spew their hateful words. Then there are those like Kurt who suffered unnecessarily.  How can addiction be termed a "disease" and not be treated as one.  No one would let a diabetic go without insulin.  Why do they let addicts who want help go without Subutex or something like it.  People on Methadone maintenance get treated like criminals.  If they are one minute late to get their dose, the door gets shut in their faces. Or the clinic is so far away that they have to spend most of their day just getting to it.  It just makes me so sick.  Sorry to go off like that but I am so tired of defending myself and trying to get help only to be treated like some loser.

[blessed2]

Wow! What a cool place to post. I'am on my second w/d(7 days) and it has been tough. My wife does'nt know if she does she is keeping quiet. I had back surgery 12/99 and at the time a heavy drinker and smoker. Always dabbled in pills but never off the chart. After surgery the Doctor came in to my check-up room and said the ol classic bad news and good news. Good news was the back was coming along just fine, but I have hep-c. Wow-we what a shock, thought it was like aids and felt like dying. Well at that time I was heavily on the perc's and norco and oxy. So I decided to stop everything and I did. But I'm an addict so had to get more pills and so on. Changed my diet, and I don't think sobber includes pill popin so I'll say clean for 7 days and alcohol free for 3 1/2 years. I really enjoy this board but never felt like responding. When I read someone asking why they should quit I always think to myself IT'LL KILL YOUR LIVER SOONER OR LATER, but thats my opinon. I highly recomend getting checked for hep.a,b,c,d,to know where you stand. I have a friend in Liver failure right now, she has been popin for about 10 years and found out 7 years ago she had hep., but that didnt stop her and it didnt stop me either. I just want my life back. I want to be clean. One day at a time.Peace 2 all

[teeitup]

Great post, good luck!

teeitup!

[LouAnn]

I stopped using in May 2002 when I was arrested for prescription fraud also.  Even though my kids are young, they can see the positive changes in me.  I know they are happy to have their Mommy back.  Check out my post in on the Addiction thread.  Take care!

[blessed2]

Just wanted to tell everybody to hang in there. To use the phrase progress not perfiction is the key is where I'm at. Day 9 and hanging on with my fingernails but you know I like the fact that when I'm around people now they see the real me, because when I pop pills I always have in the back of my mind that the pills made me better to be around and i knew that it wasnt me at all. A fraud or something like that. Any way I really enjoy all the post and to let everyone it's o.k. and to never give up!!!1 Peace to all and God Bless.  Rob

[needhelp1]

Good job on day 9!! hang in there it keeps getting better! God Bless... A