Totally depressed

Hi All. I had to change my screen name (slightly) cause I couldn't log on for some reason. I have been having a hard few days. Not sleeping still, feeling really really low. It's weird because I have never felt like this before and I keep trying to do the right things (exercise, eat right, be around friends) and yesterday and today it's just not working. I am now 15 days clean but I am having a really hard time staying positive. I feel like all I do is talk about myself and how I feel and even though my support system is great I can't get out of my own head. I have no problem falling asleep but I only stay asleep for 2 hours. That's it. Then I wake up and I am trapped in my own head for another 22 hours. I know I sound incredibly negative (I have great days too) but I guess I just want somebody out here to tell me that they know 100% that I will not feel like this forever. Thanks for listening.

[tippy1124]

I know exactly how you feel.  If you've read my latest post you probably already know that I went back on Oxy today.  The "being trapped in my own head" problem you're talking about was what did it for me.  I know there were nights that I'd finally fall asleep, my fiancee would come to bed, make the slightest movement, and I'd wake up bawling because I knew I'd never get back to sleep and it was just me and my evil thoughts until morning.  I know I admire a lot of the ppl on this site.  I sometimes wonder how everyone can do it, but me.  I also have asked myself many times if I would feel that way forever and although I can't tell you 100% that you won't (because I haven't made it that far yet), I can sympathize with you.  I'm praying for you and I do hope you get some decent rest soon.

[marcatj]

ya know, some are gonna hate this answer, but i would get something (med) to help you SLEEP.  lack of sleep has such a rippling effect on our lives - such a NEGATIVE rippling effect - that if you gotta take something for a couple weeks to get you through the hump, personally, it's what I would do...

[tippy1124]

My main problem was that I could fall asleep (I was usually exhausted from crying all day), but I couldn't stay asleep because I'd get that crawling, tingling sensation in my legs so back that I'd literally wake up kicking.  Now that was something that I don't think any amount of the Lunesta could have helped.  

[tippy1124]

Just a suggestion to what marcatj was saying...I take Lunesta to sleep.  I know I've heard some ppl on here say it doesn't work for them, but I've been on it now for almost 3 months and it works great.  Although I've heard there is a small chance of becoming addicted to it, I've had no problems.  Some nights I take it, some I don't...no side effects yet.

[bettersoonOO]

It just feels better to know I am not alone. I just want to sleep and on my one stupid day off a week I would like to lie in bed and enjoy it. Instead I have this constant knot in my stomach and I am obsessing about the dumbest stuff. I just want my mind to float away from my body. Last night when my boyfriend came into the bedroom he woke me up on accident and I was so upset that I stormed out of the room. Totally not his fault but I was so mad. Then I lay on the coach and tried to watch TV. That didn't work so I read a book...nope. So I sat and stared for almost 6.5 hours and then got up for work. I would take the exhaustion any day over this feeling of being trapped in my brain.

Okay, I am trying to be more positive. I have already done 15 days and I should be proud. You should be proud too because you are making this great step next week and you have come clean about your problem and you will be in the hands of Drs. I can only imagine that addiction Drs will be supportive and non-judgemental and it will be great to be in a place where you can talk to people. I am truly praying for you. Thanks for listening. Somedays it feels so lonely out there.

[bettersoonOO]

Ahhh. I tried it and it was total ****. I actually slept less on it then without. I know I just have to suck it up but I think you guys are right. The lack of sleep is setting off some chemical imbalance or something. I actually worked out for 2 hours today (for the first time in like a year) just to try and tucker myself out for tonight. And damn it it better work....or else I am gonna come back here and write another depressing post.

Marcatj: how ya feeling? Still groggy? Are you on day 5 or 6? (hey I am losing count, that must be a good thing)

[bettersoonOO]

It's funny cause the creepy crawly stuff is gone (how awful it was if someone so much as touched me). So I should count my blessings. I have a feeling (and I know this was posted a few days back) that quite a few people who get addicted to this **** have OCD type qualities. I also think that being a control freak has something to do with why I loved the pills so much. They let me let go for a little while. It felt so good to think "eh, it's fine, I can worry about that tomorrow" and then really not worry aboui that tomorrow. I catch myself obsessing about work emails at 3am, and non-important ones at that. I kepp saying to myself "in 6 months time will this even be something I care about?" and the answer is always no. So my goal now is to ignore my brain and body and just try to get by.

Tippy- I think Marcatj was right on the other post. (I think it was her) It will be so much better for you and your child if you can deal with this and then get back to your regular life. You deserve it.

[beachtowel]

I jumped into addiction with both feet and opiates were very big in my life.........
When I quit I also experienced huge sleeping distortions.....that lasted over a year..........


I slept the same way about 2 hours at a time........
Slowly it went to four hours at a time.................

but it took 14 months before I started sleeping between 6-8 hours a night again........