Tramadol Addiction Ruining My Life

[Schitzophrantic]

I have been addicted to opiate painkillers since I was 16, I'm now 29.
I used to be addicted to Pethidine but managed to get off those by myself.
I have been using Tramadol for years now, I used to take 10+  50mg tablets a day but I have managed to reduce myself down to just 2 tablets a day.
I take the two tablets at night or I can't sleep and get the shakes and restless legs etc.
However even though I'm only taking 100mg a night my body is a mess bc of Tramadol.
My skin is a funny pale/grey colour, I'm losing my hair, and I have large black circles around my eyes.
I look like a cancer patient.
This is due to my long term Tramadol addiction.
I also have serious depression and all day I either sleep or I sit depressed.
I have a terrible anger problem and I finally realised I am out of control when I screamed at my two yr old son today.
I will remember the look on his little scared face forever.
I'm a terrible mother and avoid contact with my children as much as possible. I let there father look after them.
My health visitor has told me I have post natal depression.  The dr's etc don't know about my drug addiction.

I want to sort myself out but don't know where to start.
I have so many issues from addiction to anger and depression I dont know which one to start with first.
I don't want my children to suffer anymore because of me.

[avisg]

I would start with seeing a therapist and letting them know everything you are feeling so they can help you make a plan to get your life back your kids need you . I you have postpartum depression it can be treated and you can be happy again .I had what is called postpartum psychosis after I had my son it was really bad but I got better so will you .Take it one  day at a time.

[SickNTried]

i agree with avisg. your children need you more than anything & you don't want to be the one to make their lives any harder than life already is. honestly i would come clean with your doctor. they can't help you if they don't know the whole truth about what's going on & they're not their to judge you. you have to just put those kids first but you can't do that unless your honest & you get the help you need.

not to mention if your doctor doesn't know the narcs you're taking he could be prescribing something that could be reacting with what you're taking and ruining your liver, etc.