Trying to Relax

[loveandlight05]

It is so hard for me right now when evening time comes around. It's like I just cannot relax and watch tv or something. I want to. I intend to every day, but it never happens no matter how tired I am. Every time I sit down, I start to fear going to jail or not getting probation and being ripped away from my children. They are only one year old!

It does help when you all encourage me and tell me I will be OK. I want to keep those words in my mind. But then it gets dark, and I feel like climbing the walls. I get so depressed. I called my therapist and asked him about getting on an anti depressant, and he said not until he can meet with me in person next month.

Of course, my husband makes things worse. He either gripes at me for not cleaning enough or just doesn't come home at all. The truth is that I will not be his cash cow anymore, so he is angry. I can't support him if I lose my job. I shutter to think of what things will be like if CPS comes out here because I was arrested. He will never forgive me.

Part of me thinks I deserve forgiveness, and part of me thinks I don't. I did get arrested all by myself. I have done something so incredibly wrong. I really got upset last night. My brother called to tell me that he and his wife are expecting. At first, I was so excited. I love having a nephew, and I am hoping for a niece because I know that is what they want. Then I got really sad because everyone is moving on and having a normal life, and I might be going to prison.

I don't know how I can move on in life while I am stuck in legal limbo. I just can't give myself a break and nothing about it. Please help. I know I am making huge steps every day, but it never seems like enough once the evening comes. I need to pray.

[loveandlight05]

After I posted last night, I fell asleep. I was so exhausted. I have been going to bed super late every night because I fear sleep. To sleep is to dream, and my dreams are nightmares. But last night, I just gave in. I needed to rest.

I don't feel very well this morning. It seems like I have been getting sick often since quitting the pills. Is my body weaker now? I know there are a lot of germs at school, but I didn't get sick very often when using. I have had strep since quitting, and now I feel like I have bronchitis. It is strange having such a bad cough and not going to get cough medicine.

It makes me wonder: Will I be locked up and arrested again if I ever need narcotics? For example, if I have another child one day, and I have a c section because I have already had one, will I be allowed to take pain medicine when I am actually in a great deal of pain? My plan is to never take it again unless it is something like a c section or massive surgery, but I wonder is I just don't have the option of pain relief no matter what happens to me for the rest of my life.

I know, deal with it when you get there, but for some reason, these strange topics keep coming into my mind. I guess the thread that holds them all together is the same: What is the rest of my life going to be like now that I have been arrested? I know, one day at a time, I am trying. I will get there.

I am going to my meeting tonight at 5:30. I suspect it is what I need to survive the rest of the week. At least there is only one work day left. But to be honest, I fear the weekends the most. I have way too much down time on the weekends when the babies are playing, and I am just supervising. They tend to like to play together more than play with Mommy. It's funny, really. They feed off of each other in the cutest way. They light up when they start giggling together. Those two are partners in crime, and they are a mess. But I love them with every inch of my soul.

Well, I am at work now. I haven't missed a day since this all started. That is strange because I used to miss a ton of days. It was always for one of two reasons: I was going to be sick from not having my pills, or I was going to go get some more pills from the doctor's office. I can't explain to you how nice it feels to be able to actually be at work and not trying to leave. It doesn't matter anymore if there is an after school meeting. I can be certain that I will get up for work every day instead of be uncertain that my body will not work based on how many pills I have left.

[hespermeds]

I realized about a year ago that sober or not....all we can do is take care of today....its stress relieving to know that the day will end and tomorrow will take care of itself....I'm referring to,'one day at a time'.Much less stressful than worries about tomorrow or next week. I have been under stress because after medication... (a doctors), and chem dependency treatment...this adhd showed up...I abused coke and meth....having meds that are stimulants are like having a loaded gun on my shelf in the bathroom....and yes...I failed tonight.But tomorrow. ..is a chance just to get tomorrow right. Hang on.....and stop back here..these folks are good well intended people. Good support and aninimity!

[hespermeds]

I realized about a year ago that sober or not....all we can do is take care of today....its stress relieving to know that the day will end and tomorrow will take care of itself....I'm referring to,'one day at a time'.Much less stressful than worries about tomorrow or next week. I have been under stress because after medication... (a doctors), and chem dependency treatment...this adhd showed up...I abused coke and meth....having meds that are stimulants are like having a loaded gun on my shelf in the bathroom....and yes...I failed tonight.But tomorrow. ..is a chance just to get tomorrow right. Hang on.....and stop back here..these folks are good well intended people. Good support and aninimity!

[dominosarah]

You are moving forward, you are clean and making changes to your life.  I see that as a good thing.

[lulu747]

My love and delight!

Listen to IBK she knows exactly what she's talking about and took the words right out of my mouth!!
You know what I did when I felt like you do?  EXERCISE!!!  Seriously, the babies are in bed, put on some earphones and dance!  Or do a work out tape.  It makes you feel SO much better.  Also, journaling.  Writing down all that sh*t to get it out of your head.
Our thoughts can make us feel SO awful.  But they are just thoughts.  I want you to do me a favor.  Every time one of those I'm going to jail or CPS taking my kids thoughts comes into your head- shut it DOWN!  Counteract it with-
I am okay
I am safe
My babies are with me
Everything is alright
I am loved and supported
Honestly, some boxercise would really help.  When you are punching and kicking you can imagine you are kicking addiction's a$$.  Or your husband's if that works to get out your hurt and anger at him (:

Whatever it is.  Stop thinking and start talking or moving.  Works every time.
Love
Lu

[IBKleen]

Okay, it has been two hours. Let us know how you are sweetie...

[jugglin]

Happy music and dancing is a surefire way for me to get out of my head for awhile.  And I totally agree with newoutlook, dance like nobody is watching.  Dance around with those babies in your arms. Do your best to stay present...focusing on today. I totally get easier said than done.  It is something that I have to practice regularly.
Also, maybe start using the journal on your page.  Whether you write for yourself or for others, it is therapeutic.  I like to go back and see where I was and how far I have come.  Or, I just spill out my feelings and thoughts to myself.
So go put on your favorite happy music (on your iPod if babies are sleeping) and dance away! :)))

[reallytrying829]

Dear Heavenly Father I come before your throne right now I put her before you. That you forgive her for whatever she has done.  You are a merciful God and she needs you more than ever before. You see how depressed she gets over this situation she needs you to wrap your arms around her and give her peace. Father God she has two babies that You have given her and I know that You did not give her those babies to take them away from her.  Move Dear God in a miraculous way show her who you are that tomorrow she will hear a good word about all this and she will give You the honor the glory and the praise.

[newoutlook12]

Writing is very helpful to some also and its nice to read later to see the changes in yourself!

[newoutlook12]

Listening to music helps so much, and sounds so much better when you are first getting sober. I listened out the dave matthews band lol even tho I love them. Just turn something on meaningful with nice words and it can completely change your mood,  u should try it! And dance, dance yous a$$ off its not like anyone can see you. Your twins might get a good laugh and you'll feel so much better!  : )

[IBKleen]

Oh my goodness honey..you are so stuck in your own head. My sponsor used to tell me "If you are in your own head you are in bad company". What she meant by that is that I was newly clean and desperately trying to figure everything out at once and I was flooded with emotions that I was unable to identify but I tried. I was like a crazy person and wanted everything fixed at once. As an addict I want what I want and I want it now.

You need to stop projecting. You have absolutely no idea what will happen in court yet you have 23 scenarios in your head. You are going to make yourself crazy. You need a diversion. Something to relax you. What is it that you used to do before the pills? Do you read, watch old movies, do jigsaw puzzles, etc??? You need to do something before you break. I guarantee, and I would put money on it, that even with all of your scenarios about court...you will be wrong on every one. You cannot predict the future. You need to be in the here and now because that is all you have honey. You have NOW. You don't have a week from now or a month from now. You have today. Play with your babies, read to them, sing to them. With all your confusion you are missing them grow up. Love those little ones. Kiss them goodnight one more time after you get off the computer.

I commend you for coming on and posting and sharing your feeling. That is a positive step in the right direction. But, how about you walk away for an hour and so something to take your mind off of everything. Just one hour..baby steps. What do you say? Come back in an hour and talk about what you did. I am going to sit here for a bit and want to see if you can do this.