Ultimatum for husband

[coop522]

Does anyone have experience with giving a spouse an ultimatum?  I know it's kind of simple like "Get treated or you're out" but it's quite complicated w/ 2 young children.  Help.

[Cavimom]

Coop,  Sounds like you have done whatever you can to try to help him and sounds like HE isn't ready to admit he has a problem??  The Ulitmatum sounds like the only thing you can do right now. =(  You deserve a harmonious home with your children and happiness with you hubby.  I guess my advise to you would be  PREPARE and PREPARE so when you give the ultimatum you are ready for what comes next.  Make sure you have all your bank accounts and any other important things you may need on track because he MAY get mad first.....Chances are also that he will pick the Drugs AT FIRST ,,,  Addiction is an illness . You need to stay strong for your self and your children!!  And I agree with your above post that you should not have to haide or feel guilty for meds you use and do not abuse....Sounds like You are a strong Woman so STAY strong and do what you feel in your heart is right!!  PLEASE keep us informed ....  Everyone is here to help!!!!!  GOOOOD LUCK!!!

[tryintobeatoxyaddiction]

I finally quit oxy after over 5 years of abuse.  My longtime partner knew about my addiction only in the last 3 years when it became so acute and obvious.  But I need to share my thoughts here - I did it on my own and not because someone gave me an ultimatum.  I would have never got clean if somebody told me to.  If your husband has a legitimate prescrip. and does not want to get clean then an ultimatum can backfire on you.  I dont know your husband - but he may be open to discussions or may be not.  Bringing up the issue wont hurt.  My partner always brought up my dependancy in a clever and non-threatening fashion which made me think alot about it but ultimately left me the choice to quit and still feel in control.  Ultimatums may put more stress or anger upon him which in turn could accentuate his use even more.  For him, it sounds like a deep rooted anxiety issue and depression may be at work here. Helping someone to me is better than forcing them.  I know alot of people will disagree with me on this and all intervention methods seem to be for ultimatums and punishments but this is just my take.  

[lady67]

You did the right thing by telling his doctor.  Let me tell you first hand that Ambien is the worst drug on the market in my opinion.  Everytime I see an ad for ambien or lunesta where they "tout" that it can be used for as long as your prescriber recommends, I want to climb through that television or magazine.  I have noticed that the ads are quite so frequent on television.  

Since he has lost his job, how is he affording all the meds?  I know it can be quite expensive if you don't have insurance.

[lady67]

My children knew about the sleeping pills because I was prescribed them following a hysterctomy and a major illness with my dad.  We were taking turns staying at the hospital with him and I couldn't sleep when I got home because I knew he was dying.  During the initial use, it was totally out of necessity, but it did get out of control fast.  I also ate during the night, as well as drive, talk on the phone, email, etc.  It was pretty embarassing.  

The hydro problem was a lot more private.  I never really took alot, but I did take it when I didn't have pain.  I usually took around 15 over a 2-3 day period, once or twice a month.  I knew I had a problem because I would take them just for the heck of it.  I still have to have them from time to time (severe TMJ and I recently had my gallbladder removed), but we devised a system that he would hold them and we talked to all my doctors and they know not to prescribe me any narcotics without calling my hubby first.  So far it has worked perfectly and our relationship has never been stronger.  

[coop522]

Also, he is currently on Effexor and Ambien but now was given Xanax & Klonopin to help w/ anxiety due to his losing his job.  The Adderall is for his ADHD which he has as well as myself & my son.  I take most of the same drugs as he does hence his ability to always steal from me but as you can imagine i don't abuse them so it's not fair that I have to hide them or feel guilty for having them.

[coop522]

Yes, I know right before I met him he dealt w/ addiction to Percocet & Vicodin after surgery.  He told me he beat it himself.  In the 10+ yrs I've known him he's battled major headaches & muscular pains (remnants from surgery).  I know for sure he uses it to mask his emotional issues that he refuses to seek counsel for.  He outright refuses any type of therapy.  I ratted him out to the Psychiatrist he was using to get most of the meds (mostly Ambien) & it really got tough but he promised to seek help &  never did.  It's been up & down over & over again.  I've offered all sorts of help & to no avail.  I feel I'm at the ultimatjum point b/c what else can I really do?  I have a horrible fear of him ending up like Heath Ledger & our marriage is clearly suffering (hard to have a real relationship w/ someone who works all the time then comes home to be stoned on Ambien & sleeps as late as possible on weekends)?

[mommy2be25]

I know that my husband offered to help me many times and he would stand by me through w/d's. He was so supportive and sweet to me through it all 2-3 times. Everytime I would lie and go right back to taking the pills. After finding out I was pregnant he found a pill and that was it. He got my parents and friends involved. Cried and told me how much he loved me and that me and our unborn child mean the world to him. I had passed out cold, eyes wide open twice right in front of him from taking too many. He finally said if I didn't get straight he would leave for good and fight for custody of our baby. I got my life right!

[Cavimom]

WOW Coop this is a tough one.... Can you share what he is prescribed and for what conditions?  Adderal is for ADHD and ADD usually.  Sounds like he has or had underlying problems which he started meds for and NOW is using them to mask other "issues".  Maybe you guys can have a sit down (not ultimatum yet) and maybe he can go to counceling to discuss WHY he needs such an amount of meds?  Try the supportive approach FIRST if you can, Maybe things can turn around before you get the boxing gloves out????  Good luck and keep us informed please!

[coop522]

Thanks, your input is helpful because my husband uses Adderall & any other narcotic he can get (I have some for my own problems & he's stolen them too many times to count) plus he uses Ambien every night (for 4 yrs now) yet will drink Diet Coke right before going to bed, does nothing to help his sleep problems & then binge eats in bed while high on it.  I find it a little trickier because they are prescription meds he technically "needs" so to him it's not as obvious a problem.  Had your husband tried before to get you to stop?  Were you just in denial until then?  What kind of problems were resulting from your use & how did it affect your children?  Thanks.

[lady67]

My husband gave me a choice.  Quit the drugs or he was going to help me pack.  He broke down and cried and told me how much he loved me and would stand by me as long as I was getting help.  He said he couldn't stand the thought of throwing away the past 27 years of our lives together, but he was going to do what he had to, to protect himself and our girls.  We sat down together and made a treatment plan and followed through with it and I have been clean from sleeping pills since January 4th and hydros since May 21.

It can be done, but it takes a strong couple to make it through.

I wish you the best of luck.

[ochooked]

Unfortunately, you must be ready to carry out any ultimatum ----  When an addict is faced with a choice, they will normally choose the drugs --- sad, but true.  Also true that many have to literally hit the bottom before they get help.  There is lots of help on this site - Welcome to the forum.  Hope you will stay and share more.  Lots of us have been dealing with drug problems and there is lots of help here.  All the best.