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446650 tn?1257611215

Using Again

I was two months clean and then I blew it. When I quit I cut myself off from the world and just did it. I was bad for a few weeks and then it was great. I enjoyed being mom and just putting one foot in front of the other every day. Then I made the decision to start my own company with a friend of mine. A housekeeping business. I was out everyday and getting houses to clean. I started using again one day and now I am back to 3 pills a day and I feel like hell. I dont know why i started again. I guess i just wasnt ready to go back to real life. I don't know what to do. I want to stay at home and just hide from everything that triggers me to use. I cant do that for lots of reasons, I cant afford it for one. I have four kids and I need to work a little to supplement my husbands income. Not 40 hours a week but more like 20. I am depressed with myself and don't know where to start. I need to figure out what my triggers are so I can beat them. Any Ideas on how to do that?
8 Responses
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Avatar universal
Oh, I've thought of the same, leaving and starting a business with a friend, something that would keep me home...but then I wonder if I would just run it to the ground using it as an excuse to have my own money to buy...Its so sickening to me and sad that all I've seem to do over the last few years is go around in a big circle of taking meds and then searching to find more..I've concentrated on nothing else, but having what I need to have to cope and I'm sick of it...Sick of chasing and getting and taking and then chasing and getting and taking....That's it. That's been my world...and don't think this all hasn't taken it's toll on relationships, etc...cuz for me it certainly has..But I feel ya, bills have to be paid and stress piles up and just to cope and make it now a days without anything...I actually sit sometimes and watch people and think to myself "do they need anything chemical to keep them going?'  Just to wake up without swallowing a pill and feel motivated and energetic is a huge goal for me...How do I force myself when my body is screaming otherwise?  The tIme has come to tell cuz I've started it as of today...no more...
Helpful - 0
500773 tn?1219425519
I know how you feel... starting a company is probably the most stress you can have in your life right now. I would highly suggest you give the company a little time off and find another part-time job that doesn't require so much energy.  

everyone is here for you. I've been told the 30, 60, 90, 120 day anniversaries are very common for relapse.  

Let us know how we can be supportive in your journey.
Helpful - 0
446650 tn?1257611215
I quit a 50 hour a week, high stress job just to quit taking drugs. We made the decision, my husband and I, that I would not go back. But we still have to pay the bills. I still have to help support the kids. I started this company with my friend in an effort to do something that I like to do. I am a nurturing person. So I figured cleaning houses and helping people live would be great. Well it has been too much work getting it off the ground. I dont think there is anything we can take. We have tried that. And look were we are now.
Helpful - 0
446650 tn?1257611215
I think you are are all right. I was on lexipro for anxiety for a bit. I hated how tired I was. I dont take stress very well. I had alot of stomach problems when I was young because of stress. My mother is a an addict and is on anxiety medication. Gee I wonder where I get this from? haha! I have told my husband that I just want to stay at home and be mom. But yet is it healthy to want to do that? Would I be hiding from the world or my problems? And how the heck could we do things like pay bills and eat? I know that God will provide the answer but I am not a patient person.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm new here too, but I know what you're feeling...Attempting to stay away from people and triggers...I am realizing that's important, to stay away from the old contacts that can 'feed' you...I just want to shut myself indoors and pray it goes away and that i awake new and fresh..I know that's not going to happen, but know that you're not alone.. I have to work full time too and somedays it's unbearable when I'm running low on meds..trying to just type is a chore, never mind meeting with people and pretending that all is well when your insides are screaming and your skin is crawling...What suggestions does anyone have that we can take and still be able to work?...Anything and everything is appreciated...I'm praying for everyone here and grateful to be a part of this community to help...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You said " I just wasn't ready to go back to real life".

You also said "then it was great. I enjoyed being mom and just putting one foot in front of the other every day.

me1414, please stop again.  If you can't take days off then maybe taper.

I'll be praying for you!

Friend999
Helpful - 0
460948 tn?1232302122
Oh sweetie the most important thing here is that you want to get clean again and that you're looking at the reason why you relapsed. There are many triggers and they're so different for everyone!
Whatever bothers you about getting out of the house everyday is obviously a trigger for you. Could it be anxiety? Depression? Perhaps a therapist could help you figure out what bothers you about getting out of the house and being around people. Could it be stress related?
Maybe someone else who has a similar trigger will come on here with better ideas than I have. In the meantime I think you need to get clean again because the longer you use the harder it will be for you to come off of them.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i did the same dam dumb thing, i was off  for a month and then started again, now i am quitting again and it sucks, but i was using 15-20 10's a day and went ct.  I am trying to figure out my triggers too.  Have you tried counseling?  It has helped me alot, also, I keep a "journal"  i write in at night or when i get the chance which isnt much, and try to write down the things that really make me want some pills.  i think over all for me, reducing my stress helps the most, i cant get rid of the stressors so i try to work them out other ways, excercise, working in the yard, soaking in a hot bath with a good book, getting somthing accomplished during the day, and sleep!!!!  I hope this helps.  Hang in there and good luck--will be waiting to hear from you.
Helpful - 0
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495284 tn?1333894042
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