Vicodin, I cast thee OUT.

Honestly? It wasn't my intention to quit. But now, after 48 hours, quitting is the only thing on my mind. Well, that and sleep. Some sleep would be nice.

I was first prescribed Vicodin three years ago to help with endometriosis pain. I had never had Vicodin before. I liked it. A LOT. At first it was just occasional use, maybe one a week. But, over time, it ramped up and up and up. As of Tuesday, I was taking ten 7.5/325 Vicodin, ten 50mg Tramadol and a few Tylenol 3s. Every. Day. I had prescriptions for all of them but would often run out early and end up buying some off of a friend.

Everything was falling apart. I could see it, but it didn't really register, yanno? I had lost my enthusiasm for most things and was lethargic. I saw it was taking a toll on my marriage...I wasn't tuned in like I usually am. Somewhere in the back of my head, I knew it had to end, that I had to shake this stuff off. But not yet.

And then I ran out. Like, totally out. I took my last two Vicodins on Tuesday morning. So I figured I'd just tough it out until I could get a refill on Monday.

By that afternoon, I was really tired. I laid down for a nap. My husband came home and lifted my sleep mask, and the light streaming through the window...I thought I was going to go blind. I tried to eat some dinner but had no appetite and watched a bit of TV but, by 7:30pm, I had to go to bed. My body, it felt like every part of it was sending signals to my brain all at once and then receiving them back, all screwed up. It lasted for five of the longest hours of my life. I wanted to believe that this was some terrible affliction and not my body beginning to right all of the wrong I had been doing it. But inside, I knew. I knew it was the drugs, I knew I would just have to suck it up and, somewhere in my mind, there was a kind of atonement. A cleansing through the suffering.

I could literally smell the chemicals leaking out through my pores. I slept a bit, but not much. The next day was spent almost entirely in bed. I hated it. I couldn't get comfortable, but I didn't have the energy to stand for more than five minutes. I did manage to go out for a cigarette. I walked outside and the sunshine, I could feel it hit my skin like tiny lasers. I felt like a freakin' vampire. Last night's sleep was even worse. An hour here, two hours there.

My husband's on board and completely supportive, though I know he's worried for me and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm an idiot for doing this to myself. I've been taking vitamins, drinking as much water as I can as well as nutritional drinks, since I have no appetite. Today started out grim, but has improved. I tidied the house, washed the sheets, had a shower. I even had a bowl of soup. And I talked to God for the first time in a very, very long time.

I have no idea what tomorrow will look like. I believe it will be better. I'm not sure what I'm going to do for my endo pain, but I'll work that out in a day or two. I have to get a handle on the pills first. I have to get to know my body again, remember what it's like to feel things normally, and then I'll assess pain management. I can say, though, that the Vicodin, the Tramadol, the T3s, they're all OUT.

I know why I was taking so many pills. The last couple of years have been very hard for us. My husband was out of work for almost a year and a half, we had no insurance, he got sick, I got sick, and on and on. I need to stop hiding and find a way to manage things in a healthy way. I'm working on it. I'm not sure what to do, but I am sure what NOT to do.

Anyhow. I guess my question is whether my experiences resonate with others. Also, was I completely insane for going cold turkey like that? I haven't died yet so I don't think I'm going to and, though I feel crappy, I don't feel nearly as bad as I did 24 hours ago. I'm thinking I got off lucky. Is there any possibility it's going to get worse again before it start to fully get better?

[usedtobefunny]

Hey, welcome to the board.

No, you are not insane for going cold turkey like that. I also quit when I wasn't planning on it. I didn't run out, but I had gone 18 hours without taking one and said "what the hell" lets do it. Of course I agonized over quitting forever and had tried numerous times. The Thomas Recipe helped me tremendously and I think taking that stuff for a couple days before I actually quit helped a lot.

I think you are doing great. There is no way in the world I could have changed sheets or taken a shower on day two or three.

[becky_33]

I'm going through detox as well this week, and I've been out of Norco/hydrocodone since Monday. This is my 2nd time detoxing. The first time, was like yours, and when I was out, I was completely out, and my body was in shock. The 2nd day is always the worst, b/c your body is totally without the drug, but after day 2, I feel like it's easier day by day. I'm on day 4 of detox, and although I feel pretty crappy still, I feel better than the previous days. I found "The Thomas Recipe" through this site, which gives a list of supplements and suggestions for getting through the detox better. I found that walking (I even ran last night), then sitting in an epson salt bath works wonders. Good luck with this, and this site is really great. We're pretty much all in the same boat, and others have been there and are recovered, but want to help those of us in need.

[usedtobefunny]

Wait, did you quit taking the Tramadol too?

[ThisCantSuckForever]

Yup yup. Was taking about ten a day of each up until Tuesday.

My doctor prescribed me 90ct/mo. 7.5/325 Vicodin and 90ct/mo. Tramadol. The idea was for me to alternate so I didn't get hooked on the Vicodin. Ha.

About a month in, I found the Tramadol was making me really itchy, so I called the Dr.'s office and asked to switch it to Tylenol 3s. So they gave me a 60ct/mo. of those. Of course, the pharmacy left the Tramadols on file. As I ate more and more into my prescriptions, I began filling out all three. Over the last few months, I've been taking ten each of the Vicodin and Tramadol and going through a prescription of T3s in four or five days.

When I would run out, I'd hit up a friend who gets Vicodin by the caseload because of an injury. They'd tide me over until the next refill.

I haven't taken anything except some Ibuprofin since Tuesday. Oh, and a bit of Nyquil.

[CATUF]

"I liked it. A LOT"

that is an all too common reaction when addicts and alcoholics to-be have their first exposure to their drug of choice.  it's like "where have you been all my life" and/or "i wannt to feel like this forever."  i know that's how i was.

there may be other factors involved, but one huge piece of this puzzle is BRAIN CHEMISTRY.  i think it's a bit off even before we start (which is why using seems SO attractive) and it's totally FUBAR'd after we use for a while (which is why we can't stay clean).

it follows that a big piece of the recovery puzzle is TREATING brain chemistry.

take a look at the Healing the Addicted Brain (Urschel); End Your Addiction Now (Gant); The Craving Brain (Ruden).

whatever you do, don't change your clean date.

CATUF
2256

[ThisCantSuckForever]

It's interesting you should bring that up. I was just talking to a friend the other day...he works in emergency medical response for the fire dept. I was telling him how I'd tried Xanax before (not for fun, for anxiety) and it did NOTHING for me. I'm always hearing about how good it makes others feel and I'm like, "meh".

He said that how people react to drugs has to do with whether their brains are serotonin or epinephrine (?) based, for lack of a better description. I wonder which I am. I'll have to pick his brain some more when I'm feeling better.

Speaking of feeling better, I am. I still feel gross, but I'm up and moving around and generally alert. My back aches like a mofo and I still can't sleep. I've tried Tylenol and Ibuprofin for aches, and they don't work. I've tried Unisom and it did ziltch. I finally took a couple of Melatonin tablets and got a couple of hours, but I could really use more sleep. I feel like if I can get the sleep I need, my body will heal that much faster. But I'm trying not to go crazy with ANY kind of pills right now, so I guess I'll just have to ride it out.

I try to imagine my body flushing out all of the crap. Every time I drink some water, every time I use the bathroom, I visualize all of the bad stuff coming out of me and being replaced with good stuff. It is helping. I also remind myself often that it's never too late, that I don't have to go back, and that every day is better than the last. Even my worst clean day is better than my best high day because it's MINE. I'm running the show, not the drugs.

My big thing right now, and I'm trying not to jump the gun, but I know why I was taking so many pills. I know what I was hiding from, trying to escape from. I need to talk to my husband about it, but I'm so scared I'm going to hurt him. I wish I could afford some kind of therapy, but we're just not in that place right now. I did talk to a friend yesterday...it felt freeing just to say the words out loud. But my friend isn't the one who needs to hear them.

The thing with my husband. He's a GOOD man. My God, he's a good man. But he's an enabler. He'll always find an excuse for me for why I shouldn't have to do something. Even now, he says "oh, it's not so bad and it wasn't your fault". Really? Who's fault was it, then? I'm pretty sure the doc didn't prescribe me to take two dozen pills a day. I need to take responsibility for this because, in that responsibility is control and, with control, comes change. So I feel like I'm alone right now, even though he's right beside me, because I almost have to protect myself from him.

[dominosarah]

Have you thought about NA?  That is free.

Talk to your husband.  Tell him how important this is to you and talk to him about the enabling part.

[ThisCantSuckForever]

I've already looked into NA. Once I'm feeling well enough to drive him to work (we've just got the one car), which should be Monday, I'm going to begin going during the day.

And I've talked to him. About the Vicodin, and about his being a softie. I think that part of him doesn't want to think it's a problem because he'll feel like he's failed me somehow. I can understand this, but I need him to set aside the pride and see things for what they are.

The other part is that his ex had severe emotional issues which landed him in the hospital and on suicide alert with her more times than he'd like to remember. He's got baggage from that. I'm trying to be sensitive to his gut reaction of "not this again". He knows it's me and not her. He knows it's this and not that. But his brain is programmed with the Fight or Flight regarding these things, and I think that he avoids that reaction with me by downplaying what I'm struggling with.

I will keep talking to him. We're a good team and have been through worse than this. :)

[LeaAnn807]

HI!  Congrats on your clean time!  It's a really hard thing to do.

For your aching, take a hot bath or shower.  If you have a bath, put some epsom salts in it.  It helped me a lot.  This will be much better by the end of the weekend.  Just hang in there, and don't give in no matter what! : )

[ThisCantSuckForever]

Oh My Gah. The epsom salts are full of win. Thank you. :)

et all: Quick correction. I meant NORepinephrine.

[usedtobefunny]

Glad to hear you are still hanging in there.

You mentioned you were having trouble sleeping. I have had problems sleeping for years and years, since I was a child really. I have tried every thing possible to help with sleep and what works the best for me is Goody's PM. The problem with this is that the two packets have 1000mg of Acetaminophen in them, but I always figured I was taking a hell of lot more than that anyway with all the vicodin/norcos/percocets I was taking.

I have no explanation for why they worked so good for me as the "make you sleepy" ingredient is diphenydramine, and that was in at least a dozen over the counter sleep aids I tried. But I swear the Goody's PM really worked.

Of course what works great for one person doesn't help everyone, but it is worth a shot if you are up for trying different things.

[ThisCantSuckForever]

Thanks for the suggestion! Tonight I am trying a lavender epsom salt soak and a melatonin (because that's what I have). Tomorrow I'll look for the Goody's, though if the soak and melatonin work, I'll try to stick with that to avoid the acetaminophen.

For now, I'm happy that I'm finishing up on Day 3, had the energy to run to the store and even ate two small slices of pizza (first solid food since Tuesday!). YAY!!!

[willPower4me]

Pizza on day 3? Wow! That's great. I was vomiting and couldn't keep anything in days 3 to 6. Be happy and proud. You may be a lucky one. God is watching over you? :)

[ThisCantSuckForever]

They were very small pieces and I ate slooowwww.

Sorry to hear you had such a hard time days 3 thru 6. That must have been awful. There are few things I hate worse than throwing up. But Vicodin is one of them. How are you holding up now?

[ThisCantSuckForever]

God give me strength.

Day 4. I'm off to run a few errands, including picking up a Vicodin prescription for my husband. I didn't think they'd be ready until Monday, I thought I'd have more time. And I have a pinched nerve in my back.

I've done an epsom salt soak and steeled my nerves. Anyone who wants to send a good wish my way, please do. This is going to be hard.

[usedtobefunny]

I know you don't want to hear this, but this sounds like bad news. Can't your husband pick them up, then hide them in the house. It seems like unecessary torture to me.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[ladywithtime]

i agree with *usedtobefunny*! i'm at 34 days and even though i'm not craving them, if i had them in hand...oh Lord!

when i was going through my w/ds my step-daughter was in and out of the hospital for some problems she was having and while i worried about her, my biggest fear was she was going to come home with pills and "the devil would be in my house"! i know it sounds super selfish! i was so worried about her but i was as equally worried about me.

as for me i had to eradicate any avenues of finding pills--so far, so good! and if you can handle picking up the pills for your husband and knowing there in your home, you're a better woman then me! but please be careful because the lull of an opiate high is extremely enticing! know your enemy...good luck and God Bless!

[ThisCantSuckForever]

I'm back, all pills accounted for. And I feel good. Don't want one nearly as bad as I thought I did before I picked them up.

The husband is going to do a nightly count on the weekends, and take them with him to work during the week. I think we'll be okay. I love him more than I love the pills and I refuse to disappoint him.

P.S. He didn't ask me to get them. I offered. :)

[usedtobefunny]

Ok, good!

This is really embarrassing, but......what the hell, might as well be honest and share. Several years ago when my mother had a couple surgeries and physically couldn't go to the pharmacy for her medication I would volunteer to go pick them up. Guess what I always brought with me! A staple remover and a stapler. I would get in the car, pull off to a private place, remove the staple, steal several pills, and oh so carefully staple the bag right back through the same two staple holes. Which of course was a real pain in the *** compounded by the fact that I would actually be crying because I felt like such a piece of ****.

So, I am sure I am not the only person on this board who has done something like that, that is why we get so worked up when we hear about people in the beginning stages of recovery, or any stage for that matter, voluntarily putting themselves in a position to be around pills. It is just too tempting for most of us.

[ThisCantSuckForever]

Get out of my head. LOL

I've done the exact same thing. And I would have to bring the heavy desk stapler because the mini wasn't long enough to get to the holes. That sucked, lugging that thing around in my purse. I have even gone so far as to use the staple remover and stapler at the customer service desk at the grocery store because I forgot my own. Yah. No shame in my game.

It's really tempting for me right now. Everything hurts today and I just want to not feel like crap. I've got the inner dialogue going on. "Just one won't kill me". "It's really for pain". And the thing is? They're the truth. But the bigger truth is that this is how I got myself in this mess in the first place. So. Eyes on the prize. It's a good thing I got the jumbo bag of epsom salts. ;)

[LeaAnn807]

AND......the much bigger, bitter truth is that just one will lead to just one more and just two and just two twice............you get the drift!  Been there.  Wrote the book!

Take a hot bath with the salts.  Use a heating pad.  That relieved pain for me sometimes enough to fall asleep for a few hours.  You are doing SO GOOD!  Way to go!

[ThisCantSuckForever]

Thanks. :) And thank you to everyone who's stopped in to offer support. The folks here really are wonderful.

Day 5. I got eight hours of sleep last night, only waking up once. I'm finding that the mornings are the roughest in regard to WD symptoms, but that they improve greatly by noon and that I'm relatively functional until bedtime. The husband has been a fountain of kindness, support, and foot and back rubs.

I don't feel like I'm doing so good as much as that I've got it so good, it would be a terrible thing for me to not be grateful and take advantage of it. I think about people who are doing this right now with spouses who don't know, kids, jobs, friends who still use and all the rest. They're the ones who are doing good. Me, I've got it easy.