Vicodin Addict -Don't Know What To Think or Do

[TooDamnProud]

So my husband was given Vicodin 500mg for his bone spurs and arthritis in his neck. After 7 years of chronic pain myself in my shoulder after a car accident I tried his Vicodin for a couple of days, they worked. So I asked our doctor if he would give me a script for the same thing. He obliged, very apprehensively, but has always only allowed me a script of 1 a day of 500 mg pills.

I know I don't sound like I'm heading to where I am an addict, but I do believe I am. Let me explain why. My dad who gets them 150 a month (and doesn't like them) and believes he's helping me gives me half his bottle (of his ES), so now I'm basically taking 105 pills a month. In reality that's like what 3 - 3-1/2 pills a day on average? Some days I only took 1 other days I took upwards of 5.

Thing is ... I didn't even take them to get high. I didn't take them because I wanted them mentally (I think?). I took them literally to control the pain in my shoulder. I've been sent to the pain clinics and physical therapy well over a dozen times there is nothing that can be done. Where the problem is, is an inoperable area due to the plexis nerves :( and it's too dangerous. So I've been told that this is going to be life long pain unless some kind of new technology comes about.

And here I am ... I NO LONGER WANT TO TAKE VICODIN. I don't want to ask my dad to "help" me anymore. I don't want to feel like I need Vicodin to get through the pain. I don't want my kids to see me take Vicodin to control the pain. Not to mention how many (probably 6-18) Excedrin and Tylenol on top of it daily. I don't want to damage my liver and possibly someday fatally overdose on acetimenophen just to control the pain. I have kidney stones to top it all off and ibuprofen seems to set them off.

I have noticed over the last year that my motivation to do anything has decreased. Weirdly enough though the first couple hours after taking Vicodin I feel like I can conquer the day and my activity level is heightened, but after that I get LAZY. I have two beautiful children, a beautiful home and I own and operate a professional business. My husband has recently started school and I have to be the backbone of this family. It's not fair to my children that I be a lazy mom. I have no motivation anymore to grow my business, clean my home and do family things.

So on Monday I took the last two I had in my bottle and said "enough is enough."

OMG - Tuesday was horrendous. I thought I got ran over by a mack truck. I seriously felt like I was going to die. I figured because I only took from 1 - 5 a day that withdrawal symptoms wouldn't be bad at all. Wednesday ... WAY WORSE. I layed in bed most of the day. Took 3 HOT HOT HOT baths, layed on a heat blanket and had a heating pad under my shoulder the WHOLE day. I was so light-headed that I felt like I had drank a fifth of Tequila ... and even though I'm a woman I'll mention ... I have never had diarrhea so bad in my life.

I have come to terms that somehow I've ended up an addict. Mentally? I don't know. Physically -quite obviously.

My BIGGEST fear.... when I know it's time and I'm allowed to call my script in again and my 30 days is up .... what then? Do I call the doctor right now while I'm strong and say .... NO ... I am addicted and you CANNOT under any circumstances give these to me anymore!!!!!!

I told my husband last night and I cried and cried. He just rubbed my back and said "You're not a bad mom, you're not a bad wife and you most certainly are not a bad person. We will get you through this." Really, he deserves to have his old wife back. One that wants to do his laundry, make his lunch and omg .... where did my sex drive go!?!?!?

Today I feel great. Will I feel this good later? Will it all hit me again later? What about tomorrow?

HOW DO I GET THROUGH THIS?

Anyone that can help me that's been through this your help will be greatly appreciated. Any advice on what the next couple of days holds, hey the next anything holds! Please!

[dominosarah]

First off Congrats on getting your life back!!!  Now call and cancel that refill.  You are in control now.  Are you taking any type of vitamins or aminos?  These help.  They are also good for our bodies.  Wd's are not fun at all but you will get thru this.  Our bodies do get very dependant on pills.  Many of us have found that our pain got better after we quit taking narcotics.  That doesnt happen overnight but for me my pain decreased with time.  You are very lucky to have your husbands support as that is a big plus having family support and yes your sex drive goes right down the tubes on these.  Look out now tho as it comes back and it comes back strong!!!!!!!!!  Aftercare is important also.  The mental part of addiction is the hardest.  Keep posting and keep moving forward!!  You are doing great!!!          sara

[NorcoQueenoftheUniverse]

I agree with dominosarah above in that my pain got better AFTER I quit taking narcotics.. it just took some time... Now.. I am able to function with minimal pain and find that if I get out and exercise my pain decreases even more.. (something to do with your NATURAL ENDORPHINS kicking in)

So.. if you can muster up the energy to GET OUT and GET MOVING.. you WILL feel better... Also  remember that you have the GREATEST support system in the WORLD.. your husband.. (and your kids)

I thank my husband and son EVERY DAY for just loving me for WHO I am... an(recoverying) ADDICT!

And... remember.. One day at a TIME!  

God Bless you and know that my prayers are with you.. You CAN do this!
NorcoQueenoftheUniverse

[TooDamnProud]

Thank you SO SO Much. I sat here after I posted earlier and thought to myself "what a baby you are" as I sat and read some of the other peoples posts and how minimal my withdrawals are compared to theirs. I know though that withdrawals are withdrawals and without support from others that have been through it, I may never get through it all.

First and foremost. I cried reading both of your posts. Thank you for caring enough to reply.

Yes, as a matter of fact even before the Vicodin I've always taken extra vitamins and such. Although not regularly while on the Vicodin (I always called them my Vitamin V). I have always taken B6 and B12, Echinacea, Magnesium, Vitamin C, Zinc and a regular everyday supplement.

Then today after posting I headed to the store and bought a 15 day Cleanse ... "Thisilyn Cleanse" is what it's called. It's supposed to help detoxify my liver, to my intestines and from my intestines out of my body.

I did call the doctor -spoke to the nurse and just said "look I no longer want the Vicodin, I think they're destroying me." She said she would note it and that he may want to see me and she'll let me know.

I've already noticed the pain in my shoulder today isn't near what it was yesterday, although the rest of my body hurt intensely today. Instead of feeling sorry for myself though, I actually for the first time in months just took some Aleve and cleaned my house like crazy and pushed through it -as I sit here right now ... I feel amazing. I carved pumpkins with the kids and my daughter started this huge pumpkin guts fight and at the end of it I said "you're lucky I was in a good mood." (as I giggled) her response was "that's been a while huh." -and that just cemented to me that I am totally doing the right thing.

As far as the sex drive goes I am SO sure my husband won't complain if it comes back full force and then some ..... in fact I'm sure he'll definitely welcome it ... lol ... you know what I probably will too .... I'm only 32 I'm supposed to be in my peak -dayum!

Again, thank you so much for replying and helping me. I will for sure keep posting. I know I'm going to have hard days. Especially on my sorest days. I am going to try to get something going for excercise too, I'm so lazy and have always been blessed to not have to get up and out to stay thin so now I can say it's time I do it to stay pain free and off meds.

[dominosarah]

Keep the positive thinking up!!  You can and will do this!!!!!!!!          sara

[TooDamnProud]

Thanks. I sure hope so.

Day 4 today and my body is HURTING. From the top of my head to literally the tips of my toes.

When I went to bed I felt wonderful, and in fact for the first time in ages I was able to fall asleep without Tylenol PM and before 2 or 3 a.m. -Vicodin always kept me awake. Uggggh. So I was hoping to wake up feeling great.

Not so much.

I'm going to take my son to school and then .... I think before I head back into the house I'm going to take a walk.

[TooDamnProud]

In a couple of hours it will be exactly 7 days since I last took a Vicodin.

The feelings I'm having are mixed emotions at this point.

This wasn't at all easy, the withdrawals were terrible and my body still isn't quite right. When will this all be right again.

Something though that was a huge ephiphony for me .... I was looking for some pictures for my daughter the other day and there are ofcourse some of me in there and holy hell I was NOT taking care of myself the way I used to. It clicked, I wasn't feeling good about myself, therefore, I stopped wearing makeup all the time, I stopped dressing up ... I just went numb I think.

This is huge for me. Since I've come off the pills and got through the worst couple of days I've been wearing makeup and clothes that I love. I feel amazing.

Day 7 - WOW. I can say I finally feel like I've done something for ME that will also benefit my family. It's about damn time.

[dominosarah]

I am really glad to hear this today!!!  Yes we do look the sight while we were using dont we!!  Keep thinking positive......You are doing great!!!           sara

[ellanomore]

You're doing awesome!  I am keeping track of your progress as you are one day ahead of me, and I'm using you for some inspiration.  But, hey no pressure ok, lol!

Keep it up and I'll check in tomorrow to see how day 8 is treating you.

(I looked through some photos of me the last year and man, do I look like a miserable sod!  It's quite sad really.  I have the same expression in every photo.  2010 will be our year my friend!)

[tooklastdose]

Congrats.   I'm right there with ya at 7 days.   My body feels very tender to touch and the severe aching seems to have passed.   morning anxiety is a problem, but that to is getting better.
Next week at this time we will be feeling great!

[TooDamnProud]

Day 8, has started with a bang. I woke up feeling the best I've felt in the morning for only God knows how long. I can't tell you the last time I woke up with my teenagers at 6:00 in the morning and didn't want to just crawl right back into bed.

Most days I would wake up, drop a Vicodin, and after I'd get my youngest on the bus I would go back to bed until like 1:00 or 2:00 in the afternoon. Then ofcourse, I'd feel like a failure because I'd just slept most of the day away.

Today, by the time it was time to put my youngest on the bus, I was showered, hair done, makeup on and actually said "Hey let me drive you to school." It feels great to be a mom again. Everyday I'm doing something around the house, be it laundry, cleaning or just doing something nice for my family -holy cow I am cooking again! AND, I'm getting my work done too. WOW.

I've noticed my body still aches, but it's not near what it was even at the beginning of the Vicodin much less near the end. In fact I take 2 Aleve or Advil and I'm good to go. My shoulder pain which started all this has actually diminished.

I'm smiling again, real smiles, no fake smiles that are the "I know I'm supposed to be smiling right now so I will." smiles. I forgot what it felt like to laugh a real laugh, to smile and be happy. Not numb.

My husband has been awesome. In fact he broke down the other day and said he had thought it was his fault since I had originally started getting them from him. He asked me if I wanted him to hide his bottle, confidently I said "no" but I did ask him to be receptive if I tell him I'm feeling weak and to help me remain accountable. To count his pills if he feels like it and never feel awkward about asking me whether or not I've taken any. The good news is he usually keeps his in the car anyway, so it won't be in my sight. I also begged him to please (even though he only takes one a day) let me help  him come off them if and when he's ready to. Unfortunately his bone spurs and arthritis at this point won't let him, but together we're going to start excercising to get him there. He said he doesn't want to rely on them for his pain management either.

Ellanomore: I couldn't agree more, 2010 will be our year. We can definitely do this and quite frankly isn't it time we do something that's good for us?!?!? No pressure, none at all ;) I'll take it, together though we're a bigger force!

Tooklastdose: Congrats to you as well. I think you're right, this time next week we'll be like "pain, what pain." We got this and well, we deserve it don't we?!?!?

DominoSarah: Thank you for being here with me all this time. Your words have been very helpful since the minute I posted my first post. I do appreciate you.

[Michiganguy328]

What an awesome post.  You guys rock.  Hang in there Too and read up a little on PAWS incase you run into that down the road.  The Betty Ford page has some great info.  Bless you and your family...

G

[TooDamnProud]

Thank you!

I am also from Michigan. Nice to see a neighbor :)

What is PAWS?

[dominosarah]

Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms.......there is a ton of info in the Health pages on this.  Each day is a new beginning clean.......embrace it!!!  You are doing so great!!!      sara

[NorcoQueenoftheUniverse]

hEY GIRL.. hope you're doing GOOD today.. Your "Journal" of your "recovery process" is awesome... I especially liked the part about you getting UP and taking your kid to school... (that was a BIG reason for me wanting to get CLEAN... my kid .. and of course.. my husband...AND my Mom)

These are the things that I think of EVERY DAY....

I want to see my kid GROW UP and to BE a GOOD MOM...

I want to GROW OLD with my HUSBAND....

I want to be able to spend the last remaining days of my Mom's life with her when I am CLEAN AND SOBER...

I WANT to LIVE!

I want YOU to be HAPPY!

Soooo KEEP UP YOUR FIGHT... to WIN this... You matter to ME and MANY!

Much love and prayers you way.. ALWAYS and FOREVER!
NorcoQueen

[Michiganguy328]

You are getting some great support from these people on here.  Keep it up; you are doing great.  If you are in the area you can check out Brighton Hospital.  That is where I went and they are one of the top rated treatment centers in the Midwest.  They also have nightly NA and AA meetings, which may be a good idea to attend.  

G

[dominosarah]

As michiganguy said check out the meetings in the area......you will find alot of support at them.........sara

[TooDamnProud]

Thank you for your posts today.

NorcoQueen, your post gave me a great idea. I'm going to write a list, like yours of reasons to stay clean and post it next to my computer, on my nightstand and at the mirror. The places I find I spend the most time. I love that idea, it can only help me.

I will check out PAWS, thank you. I had never heard of that before. So I will be checking that out as well.

Actually MichiganGuy, I'm on the other side of the state from you, Near Grand Rapids, but I have often thought about checking out what is around here. Not that I'm not willing, but I think I'm going to see what I can do on my own here without putting any extra stress on the family and with my Husband being at school 3 nights out of 5, I would just be adding to his worries about the kids I think. BUT, I promise if I feel like I'm going to fall back into old habits, that will be the first thing I do (after I kick myself ofcourse).

For all of you -thank you for being by my side in this. I've been far too embarrassed to admit it to anyone other than my husband. Not that I don't think they would support me, I just feel like I don't want them to feel like somehow they could have changed it or that they now need to watch over me. I want to tell my mom so bad, but she has so much of her own stuff going on and I just don't think she needs to be worrying about me right now. I have though told my sister and some close friends that I no longer want pain medication to keep the pain levels down and that I've stopped all narcotics, kind of a watered down "I kicked an addiction" confession I guess you could say.

God Bless and Thank You Again for being here with me.

[mego579]

omg just dont call it in ok, or throw it out
i have a script where i could esily go get 300 pills of strong oxycontin like NOW - and i wont, i've been in the WD HELL for a month now and will not turn back
u knwo why?
u know that sickness uve felt?
it will start AGAIN when u stop taking them again, so just stop. stop now and dont turn back.
u wont die. dont worry
i also made the list of why i stopped, and i also have been going through PAWS real bad,
but a support system of people who've been through it has meant the world to me to not go get that script filled.
because just knowing that it really does end, eventually - thats enough hope for me.

i ended up tell my BF 1st, then decided to come clean to EVERYONE ( not buisness proffesionals but u know freinds, family, myself) and thats really helped to. the shame is still there that im an addict who messed up big time, but everyone still loves me and i ended up finding out i knew a lot more ex-addicts who are ok now than i thought, liek i didnt even know they used to have a problem. that really gave me hope, just to know they made it and are ok now.
im still weeding through the hell but like u, this site is a real comfort. its ok to admit we're wrong when we are. its the 1st step to correcting it.

since im messed up w/ joint damage im in emense pain all the time now. but our bodies feel pain as an alarm system for help, also the opiates confuse ur brain to not be abe to deal w/ pain anymore,so supposidly our brains w/ start to be able to naturaly help us deal w/ the pain.
oh and hot baths.
epson salt!

[Michiganguy328]

Hang in there and be strong.  You should at least check out the Brighton Hospital website.  You will see you are not alone and people from all walks of life go there.  Seek out the local group by going to NA.org (i think) or looking it up in the phone book.  You should at least get a sponsor to lean on when you need someone.  

Be strong...

[TooDamnProud]

Day 9 ... woot woot!

Today hasn't been too good though. Though I had a great nights sleep I just couldn't get any motivation. Went back to bed after my son went to school and slep for another 3 hours. Finally, I DRAGGED my booty outta bed and here I sit. I can't quite get the initiative to get my work going. I will though, I'll force myself. NO MORE BED today.

I'm clean though, that's the best part. I don't have the shame feeling I used to feel when I'd go back to bed. I didn't wake up the second time thinking "you're going down the tubes." I don't feel shame for sleeping. Though I don't feel great about it either.

I'm going to go get my butt in the shower and go to the coffee house. Maybe by then I'll be more motivated.

Day 9 ---- I'm so happy to be able to say that. I can't wait to say Day 100, Day 200 ... yada yada yada ... I'm on my way!

[Michiganguy328]

Way to go Too!!!!  Keep it up.  Get me a decaf black while you are there?   :)  

[dominosarah]

Yes you are on your way!!!  Way to go girl!!!  You will have some days that lack the motivation but that is only normal......even people who arent addicts have those days.  You are clean!!!  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA    One day at a time.

I will have a skim latte half shot of caramel please.......

[TooDamnProud]

DAY 10. I made it and I'm SO SO SO Proud of myself. My first milestone I was determined to make and here I am.

My shoulder hurts pretty bad today, but I've taken some Tylenol and hope that it helps. If not I'll hit the Aleve.

Now I think I'll spend the day working or at least trying to. I find myself having a hard time actually getting my work done, but hey gotta make a living. I'll get there.

Coffees have been sent! Mine was yummy how about yours?!?!?!? lol

[keekee57]

Hi there, I too had lived in Flint, Michigan for a large portion of my life, and that town has gone down hell. A lot of crack cocaine everywhere. All my old school friends are dead due to drug related incidences, good thing I got out of that crummy town, living in peace in NC, go blue