WHY DO I DO IT?

Why ? i stayed clean for nearly 40 day's from heroin but the last 2 week's i've fell right of that wagon. I want to start over but don't no how or where to start. I no that sound's mad. I start by stopping & take it from there i no that. But i carn't stay clean 13 s hiting year's i've been a user ( not just heroin ). But heroin has been in my life EVERY day for 13 year's apart from the time's i have been pregnant or tryed to get clean.
As some of you no my partner is a user also but he's so much stronger than me. Rehad or even detox isnt a road i can take. iI only get 16 day's hol a year from work. & that's another thing. Where i'am now is a far cry form a few year's ago god i've got a job & haven't had a day off sick in 4 year's. Not bad for an addict. So i think i pat myself on the back for how far i've come there for allow myself to use. But i need to stop. I really want to give n/a a go. I have been to 1 meeting but in a way felt like a cop out as i have other addictions & n/a is all about been drug free 100% so there for i do not belong. Enyway this is just to let you all no i have messed up big time & that's why i've not been around. Today is gonna be day 1 yet agian as i will not let this drug beat me. The only prob is i feel like the drug play's with me. I no get the white coat. But it does or it's me playing witrh my head, letting myself belive i've done it than bam back to using every bloddy day natalie xxx

[u812]

if it makes you feel better im on day 2 for oxy abuse. just know that in the usa theres a guy from louisiana suffering with you. you did it before and you can do it again. if your heads rite then you know its possible. ill be here off and on. good luck!!!!!

[xyborx]

You are way beating yourself up for nothing. It does not matter if you need to use herion at this point in your life, only that you know better. Who knows what tomorrow may bring. I do not believe any drug will ever beat you. You are firmly on the right path already. Maybe you need to learn patience and not hurry yourself so much. The drug does not as much play with you, but teach you lessons about yourself. You chose this as your obsticle and you will beat it when you learn no more. It does not matter how many times we restart this adventure, only that the journey go on.  

[addictedme]

You have a desire to quit using and you"ve already taken the first step by just attending a program that can change your life. As far as your job its what people like to call a functioning adddict. People think of a heroin user as somebody nodding off and not being able to function but I started a business while in my addiction (doc,heroin). The problem is that it can come crumbling down in a heartbeat,trust me when I say that.My experiance in recovery has been thru na but there are many ways to find recovery and its important that you feel comfortable and have faith in whichever way you choose. You didnt choose to be an addict but you can choose not to be,,keep posting,,theres alot of experiance right here so its a good place to start,,,gl

[addictedme]

This person is shooting heroin,you dont get that at a pharmacy. " Who knows what tomorrow will bring" with heroin theres a good chance it will bring death. So as far as it not mattering how many times we restart I think it  does. EVERY heroin addict knows that there next "restart" could be there last. A heroin addict who starts and stops has a higher chance of overdosing because  when we start again we dont lower are dose cause our tolerance is down,we start like we finished and our tolerance IS down and sometimes we die.

[u812]

well if heroin was around i would have done it because its cheaper.

[allaboutmary]

So glad to hear from you again. I had a relapse myself. It happens. Take all the energy you are using to beat yourself up and put that into quiting the herioin again. (thats easier to say than do)lol  Just know we are here to talk to, even if you are using. I wouldn't worry about the 100% clean thing, just go to N/A if you want. Is your other drug methadone? My memory is shot.  So was there anything perticular going on that caused your relapse ?  Talk to us. I am so glad you have come back to this forum.  That in itself is step one. I have to work today, but hope to talk to you later.  Big Hug    Mary

[allaboutmary]

Sorry about your back pain. Hope the injections work for you. Let us know if it helps.    Mary

[jenny8575309]

Natalie, we all have that voice inside our head that tells us it's ok to use.  Thank you for being honest in your post.  If you really want to give the NA thing a go, give it a go.  Have you ever thought about abstaining from all drugs?  Alcohol, pills, weed?  Working the steps, new friends, and most importantly God will replace that void that quitting drugs will leave you with.  Keep trying
Natalie.  I believe in you.  Tell me what you think about quitting all drugs, just for one day. Then tomorrow just for one more.. Recovery means more when your 100% clean.  If you take some drugs even thou you know it's wrong, then it's easier for you to take your drug of choice even though you know it's wrong.  You have a pretty big problem to kick Nat.  13 years of heroin use everyday!  I think that you need to make a BIG commitment, and a BIG decision if you want to change your life.  I hope this works for you, and you make it this time, but I'm just afraid you'll just use, pills, alcohol, or pot as substitutions.  When you not feeling like you want to feel with those things, will you start looking to score some heroin?  Will you Natalie?  Knowledge is power, learn from your mistakes, and stay on the right road.  I love what xyborx said "It does not matter how many times we restart this adventure, only that the journey go on."  Don't beat yourself up about relapsing, but think.... What are you going to do to make it not happen again?  How important is being clean to you?  Can you put down the other stuff your playin with?  If not, Why Not, and If not Now, WHEN?

[jenny8575309]

Yeah Natalie,  The only requirement for membership is a desire to quit using.  If you have that, (and you do) then you belong in NA.  It doesn't matter if your 100% drug free or not.  That's what we'd like you to be, but most of all we want you in that meeting, drug free or not. Love you!

[natalile]

Thank you all. I will get in touch personaly soon. You have asked alot of good question's, some of which are hard & pain full to answer. Can i do a full day with NO drug's atall. Honestly the answer is no. That would let me use heroin. I have an exuse for everything. Well i've only had 1 vallium today so i must feel ill therefore i need to use. & so on !. Sad eh. Just to let you all no. Not that it make's much differece i do not shoot heroin. I have twice in 13 year's. I overdosed infrount of my son who was 4 at the time. Threfore a needle hasn't gone near my arm since. Not of the mind altering kind enyway.
I no i have improved my & my family's quality of life alot. No longer do i pick heroin over whther i should skimp on the heating ect. No longer do i commite crime's for my habit. But i'm still an addict. I no i can do it. I no i can. But why carn't i. I want to so much even now i'm craving like mad. But i will not givein. I refuse to not even make it past day 1 ( again ). The want for been clean is greater than the need to use. But can i do a day without even a joint no not yet & when ? who no's. I will come to that when it come's to it. For now i need to get of the heroin. I wonder what it's like not having drug's eny drug's. I take vallium & i don't feel them, So why do i do it?. Habit!. I have now given my vallium to my negibour asi did ask my patner but he caved in as i didn't leave him till he give me some. I even said i would just use instead & that is so unfar as he to is trying like me he's been an addict 15 year's. He has 2 year's on me. But he is so much stroner than me. Thank you all for al you have said & i'm sorry to hear that you also relaped mary. But like me hun just step back on the road. As for the comment on lighting a joint in n/a no i woludn;t. But i couldn't honestly say i wouldn't when i get home :( weed has been in my life alot longer than heroin.
My trigger's well where do i start. Going to the chemist twice a week for my methadone is a trigger, Haveing a smack dealer live in the next square is a trigger, Seeing people coming from the dfealer's is a trigger, Even frigging music is a trigger but that i can deal with. Once i couldn't. But i can now, So why?.
It's almost as if i get so far & think god i've done so well why not treat myself. I don't no if enyone can relate to that but that's honestly how i feel. I justify me useing by staying clean for so long. Or is that just what i think it is?. I really don't no to be honest. But i like that bit to jen.
Only that the jouney go on.
For you that have beat this hell doe's life feel & get better after? As i wait & wait & everything stay's the same. I start to look better ( which help's me ). But i think god is this what people who don't use drug's have to deal with evey day. Or i think is this it am i gonna think about heroin every day for the rest of my life?.
Sorry for been so negative. I'm not normaly like this but day 1 so please fogive me. It's just i no what a long journy i have to face & i'm at the start of the road again.  Thank you all so much & i'm not going anywhere this time. I might even get the gut's to go to n/a who no's?. 1 day at a time right a hopful nat xxxx & jen i do really have the desire. God the thought of been on drug's like i'am now at 40 scare's the hell out of me. So i guess yes i do want to get of the pil's & pot aswell. I no i really want of the pill's the pot well we'll see. Mabey on this journy i'm taking i will come to a cross road's & i will make it. I made myself an addict i will make myself clean.
love ya nat xx :) ( craving's passed )

[jenny8575309]

If you want to be clean, you can from ALL drugs, one hour at a time, one day at a time.  It'll get easier.

[jenny8575309]

Natalie, we addicts have tried to 'make ourselves clean'  Most of the time, OUR way of thinking didn't work.  We needed to rely on a power greater than ourselves.   Can't you just try for one day to stay clean from all drugs?  Can't you get to meetings as much as you can?  Let me ask you this.. If you could live your life, happy and serene and at peace with yourself, would you want to?  If you could find something to fill the emptiness that the absence of drugs left inside of you, would you?  If you were able to look at yourself in the mirror and be free of your past, and have no fears of the future, would you?  If you could have all these things in place of drugs, would you try?  What would you be willing to do to have the things I just mentioned.  Would you be willing to do anything? If you want to be free from Heroin, then you need to be free from all drugs.  The way of life you've taught yourself hasn't worked.  You need to learn a new way of life.  Quit using drugs, they won't make you happy anymore.  You've come too far now, it's just going to take more and more dope to fill that hole in your soul that you used to fill up with denial.. Denial will now Deny you.  It's a luxury you can't afford anymore.  Are you willling to say **** it all, I'm going to be a dope fiend for ever?  I know you and I know your not going to do that.  But let's consider the alternatives to that.  1.  you quit heroin, but say ok to pills, pot and alchohol... what will happen  or 2.  You quit all drugs and seek a higher power to help you.  Natalie, I'm a pothead, pillhead, that loves to drink.  I really believe the only way is 100% abstinence.  You can do it, if you want to.  I spend time every night with hard-core CLEAN heroin addicts that have joy in their faces.

[IBKleen]

I feel bad for you Natalie. You say that you were clean for 40 days..but you weren't in recovery. For me, there is a big difference. It is not just about putting the drug down. It is about living life without the use of drugs and dealing with every day issues and not looking to hide. It is not easy, but the rewards are great!

Keep coming back.

[xyborx]

I was referring to reincarnation of the soul when I said restart, not heroin use.