WHY PUT OFF TILL TOMORROW WHAT WE CAN DO TODAY?

[percsnomas]

For those of you considering, or in the midst of, putting a stop to the madness(to you're substance of choice....mine was percs); I'll give you something to think about.
For the last three years of my perc habit(used  both recreationally, and for 2 back surgeries), my temper and moods "flashed" at the slightest incident....prior to the pills, i was much more even keel. This became so obvious to people around me, that secret meetings were happening, to discuss 'what is wrong with percsnomas, and why is he so angry'. My wife had several meetings with my mother, who had been my closest friend for my entire life(and was the most perplexed with this personality change). When my wife informed me about these meetings. of course I went off, but deep down I knew it was the pills. I KEPT SAYING TO MYSELF, I'LL TAPER OFF THE NEXT SCRIPT, and then everything will return to normal.
Well, I waited too long....my mother fell skating last December and broke her arm and leg. Three weeks later she was dead, from a blood clot........
Now the only way I can tell her what was wrong, is by visiting her Memorial Bench, that we put up in her favorite park.
We all have circumstances, and I'm not telling anyone what to do, but please be honest with yourself, and hopefully you won't be one of the people saying " I wish I had..."

[suzieneedshelp]

Very intense post.  I am facing right now what you speak of.  Waiting for who know s wut to get me going with this getting off this ****!   I have so many excuses in the book to hold off.  My pain, my divorce, my availability of my drug of choice, etc.  This is my last script so I say i will do it when i run out.  But waiting til then is not a choice it is a neccessity which doesnt feel as good as doing it on my own before i had to!  Oh well i gues as long as i do it that is what counts.  But i do not know wut i am waiting for!
Thx for the  inspiration!
Peace to your world...
Suzie

[Thyroid Girl]

This is an excellent example of the destructive nature of addiction.  Addiction makes us lie to ourselves and to those we love the most.  Addiction makes us hurt the people for whom we would give our lives in order to protect.  It is better said this way:  We don't have our addictions, our addictions have us. "I'll start cutting back next time" is the classic lie addicts tell themselves.  The amount of love your wife and mother had for you was made evident in the fact that they were talking about what to do for you.  Let that be a message to those addicts who resent having their loved ones talking about their destructive behavior:  It isn't because they don't like you anymore or because they think less of you; it is because they LOVE you so much that they will do WHATEVER it takes to help you, and they just need to know what that is.  Accept the help being offered, WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

[percsnomas]

We all have infinite excuses Suzie.
I just hope YOU and/or others don't have to feel the pain that my procrastinating cost me. I think about it every single day!
And you are right, use what ever reason you want....just do it. Please.
Peace to YOU!
Percs No More

[hellbent]

I hope you don't beat yourself up too much. Addiction is a disease. Moreover, whenever a loved one dies, I think that everyone feels that there was much left unsaid. Staying clean and living a decent life will be mean more to her memory than anything you could have said.

God, I do know what you are talking about regarding the wild-ass mood swings on opiates. We used to call it "pill rage". I remember when my only activity for the day was walking to the grocery store, and just doing that was a traumatic, rage-filled venture. If there was a line at the checkstand, I'd sit there and simmer. I couldn't believe that these idiot people were slowing me down! I had to get home and take more drugs and watch another movie! Incredibly selfish thinking, but that's par fo the couse for many of us when we are using.

[diso]

I, like you, for months kept telling myself that I was going to taper off with my next script.  I actually kept increasing my intake of oxys to the point where I got up to 200mg a day at times.  I'd say I averaged about 140mg for the past couple of months.  I week ago today I headed into work which is about a 30 minute drive for me.  I made it all the way to my office when I suddenly just broke down.  I'm still not sure exactly what hit me.  I also waited in the morning until I got into work before I would snort my first pill.  For some reason last monday that thought just destroyed me.  It just hit me hard--what the hell am I doing.  I had become so unmotivated in life.  I used to train my animals daily.  I was now finding it hard to even get them out on walks.  My poor wife.  She had no idea.  But I had no drive to be intimate with her and she could not understand why.  Anyway, I broke down in sobbing tears as I approached my office in my car.  I turned around and started driving back home.  I called my wife I told her the shocking news that I was addicted to oxys and that I had decided to check myself in for detox.

I went in to the hospital that day and detoxed using klonodine (sp?), somas and immodium (and librium (sp?) for the anxiety.  It was hellish particularly on Wednesday and Thursday.  I never felt like quiting but I sure felt like dying.  I am 7 days clean now and I still feel pretty much like sh*$t.  However, I also feel great because I feel FREE.  For the first time in about 8 months I am not constantly chasing that elusive high.  I have a really good outpatient therapy program set up.  I pray to God I can stay strong.  One thing I heard while in a group meeting at the hospital that hit me hard was that because addiction is a disease )(in fact, a life threatening disease) we should treat it with the same seriousness and take the same steps we would take as if we had been diagnosed with cancer.

I began taking the oxys for my back problems.  They are still here and I still hurt like hell.  But I am determined to find a way to deal with the pain that does not involve pills.  Perhaps many at this forum do not have the luxury of checking into a hospital for a week to accomplish a detox.  I consider myself very lucky.  But I wish everyone the best in their battle.

Like percsnomas said in his post, the time is now.  Even if it is just a small step in the right direction.  Life is better when the addiction is controlled.  I have a long road ahead of me and frankly I am scared to death.  But I now have a taste of what being back to reality feels like and I can say it really feels great!

Thank you to all that have posted your thoughts, experiences and encouragement at this forum.  I have been reading posts here daily for over 2 months now.

[suzieneedshelp]

Congratulatons!  I am so proud of you.  I envy you!  One day i will also be where u are.  You have made it thru the toughest time as i have been told.
Peace and strenght to you!
Suzie

[percsnomas]

Hellbent: I'm working on the "punishing me" part.
Tomorrow will be 3(THREE...Yeha) months off, and as you said Staying Clean will mean more to her memory...so I remain determined to Stay in Recovery.

1Day: Congrats on Day7(however it came about....probably just the sick and tired of being sick and tired feeling).
Please hang in there....my back killed for the first couple weeks(and just generally felt like ****), but i have to tell you, it gets better.
You've come soooooo far. Stay Tough

[Bodymechanic]

In my case I am not procrastinating.  I am desperately looking for help with a problem which has plagued me for my entire life. What bothers me the most is that the help is available but is so hard to find. I have recently gotten a lead that may end my long search for buprenx. Buprenex has been available in Europe for over 10 years.  Here in America we like to torment our addicts. I am not expecting this to be the "magic pill" that will solve all of the problems in my life. I do expect it will help.  

I think the people who do procrastinate either don't want to stop using or they have tried to get off and failed so many times that they need to look for another solution.

Peace

[southernbelle]

i agree with you, bodymech.  i think most folks just do what they feel like they need to do to get by.  it's miserable, and i'm not making excuses for my mistakes, but sometimes pain is unbearable without a pill.  i think alot of drugs are politically controlled, anyway.  that may sound nuts, but i think drugs and medicines are controlled by the government.  it's just another thing they can get their hands into.  i think if the media didn't take things and portray them the way they do, most of our country wouldn't think the same about it.  i saw last night on tv were they've spent billions upon billions in the war against pot. guess i'm rambling....i just think sometimes we give ourselves hell and a lot of the time, it's not as bad as it seems.  what's it like in other countries?  are the same drugs controlled?

[hellbent]

Your breakdown sounds familiar. I broke down all the time when I was on OC's. I'd have terrible nightmares and wake up in tears. The stuff fucks with your soul on a real base level, killing your spirit, throwing your mind soul and spitit into chaos. I was fine when I was addicted to vikes. Once I went over several huindred mgs of Oxy a day, I got totally out of whack.

I don't know how many times I tried to stop, maybe 40. I meant it every time, but I just couldn't stop. I went up to 800mgs of oxy a day, and couldn't even slow down for any period of time. It was damn hopeless. It wasn't "procrastination", it was severe addcition and I couldn't get out, no matter how I tried.

I had to almost become homeless and almost die on the toilet like Elvis before I was low enough to start getting out. I simply couldn't afford to keep spending 150 bucks a day, and was going to lose my apt. and end up on the streets.

It's a miracle when someone gets 7 days clean from any opiate habit, much less a sizeable OC habit. Whatever you did to get to where you are, keep doing it

[bmac]

You will never know what your post has done to me.I have been putting off so much since August.Not any more.Today is the day,no BS no waiting no more it will get better.
No one is going to change my life except me.
I just hope the family can handle it.But one thing is for sure,It won't be on my mind ant longer.
        Thanks
For me today is that day!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[groovygirl]

Are you saying you found a doc willing to prescribe bup?  Or, are you moving to Europe?  I doubt it's the latter.

Where in the country to you live...I live in MA and finally convinced my doctor to prescribe it.  I also know of some clinics in various parts of the country.  

If you still think you might want to look around, I could possibly help you.  Bup is a Schedule 5 narcotic...it is almost an over-the-counter med in different parts of the world.  That will be changing with the Subutex to a Schedule 3

Anyhow, let me know if you'd like some info.

[PING]

hi buddy: real proud to see today was the day you were going to
get off this junk, i took 1 oxy' this morning, spent a few hrs cleaning my yard of leaves, came back inside, not planning on taking another one, but just felt so bad, i took 2 more. maybe next time. but be assured i will be praying, and pulling for you. keep in touch. good luck.
                                 lee.

[diso]

Thanks to all for the encouraging posts.  My detox doctor said that the detox process is actually the easiest part in the long run.  Staying clean is the hard part.  I don't really crave the pills right now.  But I think about them and I even dream about them.  I try really hard not to dwell on them.  I think what finally pushed me over the edge to get clean was that my habit was steadily increasing and it was costing me nearly $1800 a month (and thats with a prescription of 60mg a day).  I remember thinking to myself that this is what the rest of my life will be.  I will use these pills until I die.  The problem was that I was having a harder time getting "high".  I was basically using the last couple of months just so I wouldn't feel like ****.  For some unknown reason to me, I started to recognize what I might lose.  Better stated--what I WOULD lose if I kept on my same path.  I tried to quit cold turkey one time and got so sick within 24 hours that I gave up.  That experience scared the **** out of me.  I realized at that moment that I was powerless in my current condition to get off the oxys.  Despite the experience I still continued to use the high amount I had been using before.  But I was getting really scared.  I guess I began losing my desire to use.  I just wanted off.  I think that's why my resolve has been pretty strong.  I really just got, as was said above, "sick and tired of being sick and tired."  I don't think there is any way to quit until you get to that point.  I will always like the way the oxy high made me feel.  I'm afraid I will always remember that and deep down have that craving.  However, right now and I pray in the future I do not again WANT the pills.

When I first choice my "name" for this forum "1day" meant hopefully one day I will be clean.  It now means take this one day at a time.  Today I am clean.  And it feels F*&#$in GREAT.

[bmac]

Thanks Lee,I have had alot of things I have been avoiding since I decided to detox.I have been using my dependence as an excuse for not getting some things done that needed my attention.
But when I read Percs message about not putting things off It just gave me a wake up call.I hope things will get better for you soon,Your friend Bill

[Bodymechanic]

I live in Maryland and I am having a hell of a time finding anyone that will prescribe it.  Most doctors and pharmacies don't even know what it is. I am even considering going to another country find it.  

If this stuff helps so many people why isn't it more available.  IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR CHRIST SAKES? And the few people who will see you want more money than the street drug dealers. I am so tired of being treated like something subhuman just because of a drug problem.

If you have any information about a doctor or a clinic here or in another country who can help me I would greatly appreciate you sharing it.


Thanks


***@****

[groovygirl]

I'm sending you an email now...

[LizzyM]

Ok, so I did a BIG no no.  Friday night, went out with my hubby  and friends..got REALLY drunk and I hate alcohol??  Probably because I smoked pot without anyone knowing before we left..not much but enough to make me LIKE alcohol.  Had about 5-8 drinks of Rum and Coke.  I didn't make it to bed til 4:30 a.m. and I woke up at 6:30 a.m. to let the cat out.  Next thing I remember is I woke up on the my bathroom floor face up with a throbbing head. My husband remembers hearing a big loud thump.  But, no one got up because they were all too tired and sleeping. This has NEVER happened to me before.  I didn't even vomit that night and when I USE to get Drunk in College I always threw up the next day or that same evening.  I am so ashamed of myself.  My sister has me on video mooning her in my g-string in front of everyone.  I paid for this the nest day with an extreme hangover and depression.  I am NEVER going to do that again.  Learned my lesson.  My husband is STILL mad at me for sleeping the whole day away yesterday.  I'm am really ashamed and embarrased.

[southernbelle]

we all have made mistakes...we're all addicts and have been under the influence of one thing or another!  don't feel too bad -- that was yesterday, this is today, and tomorrow is tomorrow.  just count it as a lesson learned.  and don't moon anybody anymore!  haha, just kidding.  you're ok, no biggie.  it's okay and it's just a memory now.

[vikequeen]

hey Body I too live in Md in Mont county if you hear of any docs that deal with bup let me know and keep me posted, love baddgirl

[lisabet]

You both post such heartfelt, intelligent posts, the kind that makes one think.  Percs, everyone has regrets when a love one passes; as you said, your mom was your best friend--that sentence alone convinces me you should have no regrets. As someone who is still using (although tapering with much discomfort), these posts are making me re-evaluate my life; please keep posting for us who are so weak, it gives us strength. Thank you both, Lisabet.

[lisabet]

Mariposa - I'm addicted to hydros - 10/325 (up to 10-12 a day), although by tapering, I've managed (with much difficulty) in the last two weeks of holding it to 6-10 a day). Do you think Bup would help me?  My e-mail address is: ***@****.  I would really appreciate your insight and advise. Regards, Lisabet.
PS--I've also been dependent on Jack Daniels...until I started reading the forum, I was taking 3-5 shots every night just to sleep; at this time I've tapered to 1-2 shots about every other night...god, I'm trying.
Also, when I first came to the forum you were known as "groovygirl", and posted to me a couple of times with some advise and encouragement, which I really appreciated.  Glad to see you back as I remember you.  Seems you've recently gone through a rough patch; hope you're working your way through things.  People here need you---the REAL you. Glad you're back.

[Pinkit]

Hi there, I was just readin your post. I to am addicted to vic's or hydro's same thing. For me, it's the 7/750(8-10 a day)I heard Bup is what they also use for herion addics. I was reading about it and I read that it is very easy to get off of drugs using this. They were saying almost too easy and that it makes a person think how easy it is to get off so they will continue to use the vic's or whatever and then just stop when they're ready w/ the bup because you don't have the withdrawal symptoms. I think thats bull****. I think that once us addicts realize what it's like to have to take a pill in order to be happy we are not going to want to go back to being that way. Are you under a doctors care for your addiction? Maybe talk to him/her about it because it is a script.
I just started my weaning off process under my doctors care. I'm only on day 1, but I feel okay. The doc has me starting on 6 5/500 for 5 days. Then in 5 days I'll see the doc and she'll give me a script for 5 for 5 more days. Then 4,3,2,1.  Have you tried doing it this way. The withdrawal symptoms are suppost to be much more tolorable.
Now you said you take 1-2 shots before bed to help you sleep. My doctor just started me on Ativan 2 mg. to take @ bedtime. I also take it in the afternoon though too. Unfortunatly, ativan is addictive so it's prescribed for short term use only. This may help you as well. It seems like we're in the same boat, addicted to hydro's. Keep me posted on how you're doing.  God bless you.
Pease,
Pink

[Pinkit]

Okay I know you have been tapering off already, but maybe you need to try a number like 7 pills and then go down like that. So what you would do is keep the schedule for 5 days. ( by taking 7 pills) then after the five days you'll take 6 pills for 5 more days and so on. The success rate is high doing it this way. Hopefully you have a doctor that uderstands addiction and does not just give you a supply for the whole month. I donno about you, but i don't know if I would be motivated not to take more of them if I'd have 100 vics right there in front of me. I have to go back every 5 days and she's going to talk to me about how it's working. I hear counciling is a good thing too. Have'nt started yet, but plan to.
I don't know much about the Bup. I just wanted to tell you what I read.  Take Care. We can fight this.

[LizzyM]

Thanks so much for the support.  We went out last night with a bunch of people and I didn't dare have one drink..I feel so much better today.

[suzieneedshelp]

there is a wolf in my house.
He is stealthily hiding just outa sight
waiting for the right moment when i am not paying attention
to pounce and take  my life with one quick snap of my neck
i am aware of his presence
i am aware of his cunning
i know that i have no hope if i stay
why do i remain?
its as if i voluntariy invite him to be at my throat
when he smiles at me with that evil grin
i smile back like a fool
what am i waitng for?
i excuse my inaction via the fear of getting to the door
it would be difficult
it would be risky
why do i act like its easier to stay?
when i know the fate of my immobility
i could call for help and resolve this problem
but i do not
there are so many people who are willing to help
all i have to do is ask
how long will i wait?
with every moment my death comes closer
i know he wants to harm my prescious daughter also
but i do nothing
i pretend to be immobile with fear
but in my soul i know better
i am artificially comfy in the wamrth of my home
i sit back and pay no attention to wolfie in the hall
he is hungry
his mouth waters and drools to devour me
his eyes gleam at the thought of consuming my flesh
any moment could be my last
i fall asleep in my chair
wolfie's smile beams as he silently struts towards my relaxed    body
time is now but i sleep on
stay tuned to the end

Suzie
11/17/2002

[lisabet]

Hi Pinkit - thanks for your post - are you new here? I don't remember reading any of your posts before today.  No - sorry to say I don't have an understanding doctor to help with my taper. If I were to tell my doc I was addicted to the Vics he would just pull me off of them, and I'm not that strong yet.  Thank God you have an understanding doctor who's willing to help you.  Your suggestion about the number of vics daily is well taken, and I may just try that. Right now I'm stuck at about 5-6 a day. Trying to maintain my habit by legitimate prescriptions, and supplementing with an on-line pharmacy has run into major expenses. I'm ashamed to admit this has taken such a hold on me.  I have a teenage son and feel very guilty (which is probably a good thing...)smile.  He's the main reason I'm trying to do better, although I know it's something you're supposed to do for yourself.  Anyway - I appreciate your concern.  Love/Peace, Lisabet

[Pinkit]

You know my doctor did the same thing. He dropped me when he started thinking I had an addiction. What happened was this one doctor had been prescribing me w/ enough refills each month that I would take between 8 and 10 vics. es a day. This went on for a year and a half. Well it started out lower, but he just kept prescibing it for higher doses until one day. I recieved a letter from his office saying they were dropping me as a patient because of a past due bill which was 2 months late and the amount was $31.00. I sware I'm not lying. THey went on to say that they thought I had an addiction and that they were no longer going to contribute to my addiction, but if I'd admit I had a problem The Doctor would be more apt to help me. So I admitted I had an addiction. Well to make a long story short they said I would have to find another doctor. Isnt thaaat bull****. I was taking this medication under this physicians care and supervision and they just drop me. Well I'm filing an action over this. It was carelessness on this doctor to prescribe all of this medication, then I get addicted under his care, then he drops me as a patient.
Well I am now seeing a new doctor. She is just a md and does not really specialize in addictions, but is going to help me. Maybe you should call around and find another doctor so you can really get the help you need.  My prayers are w/ you.......
Pink

[Rex1]

My experience is that to any kinda quality Doc, you have to get past the GPs (gen pract.) and into specialist territory. It seems that these guys have more time to devote to you since their not seeing 15 people a day with colds, 20 with Strep and another 5 with broken bones.

It was not until I read your posts that I realized what a great Pain med doc I have. He inherited my problem from the GP that had me before, but has been nothing short of wonderful. He will prescribe what I need, but also caution when I am overdosing it. And since the first time I mentioning addiction he has worked with me on tapering off. The word "partner" describes my doc to a T.

Anyway, I had to insist, no demand! to be referred to a Pain doc and threatened to talk with the head Honchos at the medical group until my GP referred me to this specialist! I swear the first appointment I heard angels singing comparing the experience with a std GP.

Hope this helps. If you need to see a addiction specialist then demand it from your ins company (if you are going that route). Then b up front and say "Ia m battling an addiction, and I need you to work with me".

I have gotten great results with this approach.

God bless,

Rex