Waiting a year before u can have a relationship as an addict?

[ProdigalGirl]

I know that N/A or A/A says that you have to wait a year before you can have a relationship with a significant other.I recently met a man that I am falling very hard for. It has been a very long time that I met a man that I feel this way for. I am willing to drive long distances to see him, we are open and honest and he likes me for me.

He is not an addict, but knows that I became one due to my chronic pain condition. He says he does not care and is willing to help me in whatever I need. I have known him for a few months, get excited to talk to him and really, truly care about him. He gives me everything that men I have dated in the past have not.... compassion and understanding.(plus he is handsome) lol

My question is this.... if he is not a trigger... understands and is willing to help me can the rules be broken if only in certain circumstances for the greater good of the addict?. Due to my lonliness, it led me to use more but now that I have an incentive so to speak.. what harm could an ally on my side due to aid in  my recovery?

Seriously... I think I am falling in love. This has not happened overnight so I am not acting on emotions. He is willing to travel to the ends of the earth for me. I really care about him. Again, lonliness was my 110% factor in abusing. He is coming here to help me transition to a short term sub detox and  again supports me 110% and I have told him everything. I believe and I am  not one to call things early.... but believe we are falling hard for each other.


I know rules were made to be broken and I know at this very moment of typing that I am  broken as an addict, but if he can help... what harm can it have?
After all.... addicts are married and get the same support. Why can't I w/o the constitution of marriage?

What do you all think? I can't stop thinking of him. I think of him more than the drugs themselves. I believe this is a good thing. Any thoughts?


ProdigalGirl

I look forward to him calling & texting,  He sends me flowers at work etc.  Again, my mind is occupied with him more so than I used to think about the drugs.  

[ProdigalGirl]

PS..... He is my reason to get up in the morning now, not the DRUGS!!! That is how much I care for him!

[kim715]

You say he is the reason you get up in the morning now,not the drugs,yet the drugs are still in your life.You need to focus your thoughts and energy into getting clean and right with yourself only then can you be right for someone else.Relationships are always wonderful and carefree in the beginning.If you've only known him for a few months how much can you possible REALLY know about eachother? Knowing someone for a few months ,that doesn't live under the same roof and share the stresses of finances and children is not the same thing as marriage.Some rules are not made to be broken.You need to get 100% right with yourself and your addiction before you can be 50% of a functional relationship.If as you say,you two are falling in love,after only a few months,why not continue to REALLY get to know what the other person is like before making any commitment?I think that would be best for the BOTH of you.He can support you by being your friend,while you take the time to get your life together.Just my 2 cents!!!!!!!!!! Great big hugs to ya......Kim

[refusingbondage]

Just my two cents - I dont know much about the rules and all but I can say that I think its ok to have a friendship and care about someone but I can tell you that you must figure out *why* lonliness is your trigger and not replace your "happiness-only-on-pills" with "happiness-only-about-this-man."  We cannot place our happiness on anything or anyone because things have a way of falling through (not being negative, just real) and if that happens you will run right back to using.  You have to deal with whatever it is about you that makes you use drugs for happiness, or fall in love for happiness, and be 110% happy with yourself.. then you can be whole and bring everything you have into a relationship.  I think many people struggle with that (myself included).  We feel we need love or someone to love US to justify our self worth and happiness.. and then *if* it doesnt work out that way we are left devestated and empty and if we are addicts we run to get high which is how we cope.. ya know..Only YOU can work on you and really deal with your inner demons.. this man can be there to help and support you though for sure..all the time getting to know each other and building a healthy emotional connection.. Best of luck to you and him :)

[kim715]

Good point refusingbondage.Probably the best point as to not rush in to anything.When we are using we lose sight of ourselves and who we really are .It's almost impossible for someone else to see who we TRULY are,when we're active in our addiction because we don't even know ourselves.

[goldenarm]

Whatever your motivation is to get clean as long as you get clean and then hang onto it, By the way , and im not trying to cause dissention and no disrespect intended,where does it say in the big book or basic text you cant have a relationship in your first year of recovery.? Not saying its for everyone,however i tend to agree if your not ok with yourself sometimes your not going to be ok with others till you get there.

[lostdreams]

I agree with the above posts....
I think you need to be happy with yourself and focus your energy on yourself rather than someone else. You said above that lonliness was your trigger for using.....maybe your falling for this guy because you dont want to be lonley.
I can HONESTLY say in my opinion.......i have been clean over 2 yrs in total, with a week long relapse......and i am only JUST begining to know myself more and what i truely want!

[lostdreams]

You also said you think your falling in love with this guy......Do you think you could just be falling in love with the company he offers as you stated above that you dont like being lonely?!?!

[jollyman069]

You should want to get in the morning for yourself not a person or pill.....it's good to have something to be happy about and look forward too, but i agree with most of the others make sure you are 100% happy with yourself and 100% clean and sober..gettting into a relationship can bring on many stresses you may not be ready for and drive you back into addiction, thats my 2 cents worth...brian

[dominosarah]

What will you do when the "honeymoon" stage is over and reality comes back?

[cattalina]

Having experience in the rooms I've heard that advice as well and originally thought it was stupid... I got into a relationship right away, which I'm still in 4 years later, and although he's a great guy and I love him very much - I fully and completely understand why they advise you not to. As addicts we need to focus and work on ourselves and being in a relationship allows us to not do the work we need to do to get better. It took me 2 years to realize I had put the focus on him so I didn't have to focus on myself. Everyone has given great insightful advice - whether or not you take it is on you. Lonliness is not cured by a romance and if it is  - with all due respect - it's called co-dependency. Food for thought...

[JENZ_N_RECOVERY]

ok i just went thro this.....and then we broke up....i so wanted to use....really bad...the only reason i didnt is b/c of my lil one....this time i will wait...im goin to focus on ME ME ME for now and no guy is worth loosing my clean time....as hard as it was and still is i no that its for the best b/c he was gettin ALL my attention....not the things in life that really matter......he brought me flowers evrytime he came to see me...he was perfect OR so i thaught....so my advice is to wait til your comfortable w/ you and your goin along in recovery well......best of luck!
JENZ

[avisg]

Sometimes our relationships can be a substitute for our drug additions .If you want to truly get well and have a healthy positive relationship you have to take care of you first .I have a strong feeling you are going to jump in head first anyway .

[OKnotOK]

I'm not afraid of creating dissension here: No-one should, or this site will become dysfunctional ...

I'm not "Dear Abby," and don't presume to advise on relationships. I know a thing or two or three about substance abuse and relapses and recovery (rhetorical Q.: Is achieving "complete recovery" unrealistic? Drug abuse (including Public Enemy No. 1 -- booze) are a symptom of psychological variables, genetics and, in many cases, a legitimate outcome of pain management with narcotics -- neurotransmitter systems get messed up; during withdrawal, the body overcompensates for whatever systems (endorphin/enkephalin, dopamine, noradrenaline, gamma amino-butyric acid --GABA -- you can look these up by searching catecholamines or brain neurotransmitters) you were messing with, so you're, say, coming off narcs and you hurt like hell, you can't sleep, etc. Amphetamines? You'll sleep for days, start eating everything in sight, 'cause you don't have fake adrenalin ramping you up anymore ...


The point, though, is: Since when does it take 365 days of celibacy and intimacy isolation to share yur time with someone who accepts you for who you are? Who came up with that magic number? I heartily agree that most of us need some time to deal with "druglessness," but you're different from me, and everyone who posted here is different from us, etc.


Many of the posts here rightly advise caution -- you can't shift your load onto another person; I have to get up and go to work and be ready to be alone again, because things ... just happen. I'd be asking myself what's his angle? Am I being taken advantage of? Do I need more time to myself, and maintain a slow re-entry into the inevitable complications of this commitment? Oh, Jeez, I AM sounding like Dear Abby ...


A quite brilliant specialist once said to me that if he was to lose his family, his health, things sometimes taken for granted would be gone, but he'd built a thriving medical practice, worked hard to get to the top of his profession, and, though devastated by the unthinkable, would land on his feet and march onward. In his case, I believe it. Me? I'd have a real bad time of it ... I don't want to think about it.


So, like they're saying above, take it slow. If he really cares, he'll cut you some slack during your departure from addiction. I really ended up sounding like Abigail Van Buren there ... oh, well. All the best.

[sway1]

please be careful. if you get into this relationship and later on down the line relapse, you are going to most likely put this guy through hell, especially if he is who he appears to be. we, as addicts, are a bit thick skinned(as well as hard headed). broaden your perspective before you decide. we have a nasty tendency to self sabotage. i wish you happiness. sway

[avisg]

IBK GREAT POST

[kim715]

I agree IBK terrific post.Well said!!!!!!!!!

[boogieman]

hi. i'd like to reiterate a couple of points, namely that the one year thing is no more a 'rule' than 90 in 90. i always suggest that instead of a year, one should wait until their sponsor tells them it's ok, which should reflect a steady and honest application of the steps. also as alluded to before, until you are at relative peace with yourself, a relationship is a bad move. i don't know about you or anyone else here, but i always had a higher power. mine came out of a bottle of liquor or pills. it inspired and allowed me to do what i could not do for myself. several times i put the stuff down, which left me with an emptiness that is hard to put into words. i fixed that with new higher powers. their names were michele, kelley and mia. and they worked in the beginning. problem was i put my focus on them instead of myself, and i was broken on all levels. these relationships ended in disaster of course, but i have (i hope to god) learned that this type of replacement therapy does nothing but keep me sick. there is a power far greater in this life that heals the sick and can help us to become the person that chemicals distorted for so long. it is possible to be ok, not good, but ok no matter what is going on around us. this is what serenity is all about. and it's what i believe is essential to living instead of existing, be it alone or with someone else. please consider what is at stake here. if you are anything like me it is life or death. and i've tried to do things my own way enough times to know it does not work. give yourself a break and you will be amazed. take care,  gm

[freebird227]

If you want we have and are willing to do what we did to get clean and stay clean then you will take the suggestions,kicking and screaming perhaps, but you'll do it because you want to be clean.
Our own best thinking got us where we were when we all hit bottom. We had to become hoest open-minded, and willing. The HOW of the program.
In an effort to reach you where you are at, a lot of the experience shared with you is probally way over your head,thats where Faith comes in at. You don't have to believe what has been shared but when you see that it pretty much rings true in most posts, get yourself clean first.
And since most non-recovering addicts are self centered
You are going to do exactly what you want******Keep postig, stay in close contact with your friends,don't use, go to meetings, develop a higher-power,get a sponsor.and remember People on here care about you, thats why they took the time to respond.
Best wishes   I have a couple of journal's you might want to read.They pertain to fiding and celebratig ones-self  Blessed Be

[mtgoat911]

yeah, its a suggestion not a rule, i was married to someone in active addiction my first year clean, he is now 3yrs clean and i am 4yrs, i had so many people to tell me to leave him.....
too bad most of them relasped before my 10yr wedding anniversary, no one in na knows what gods will is in your life, but some people (including myself) can be a bit black and white over certain issues, everyone that comes into na has a different path, we can only give away general suggestions, after all some of us will trade the addiction for the relationship, and if that happens i bet you your sponsor or one of your friends will say hey "is it love or addiction", many of us also live in halfway houses, sober living is vert strict about this, so it may cause some members to be homeless, some  of us will jump from one abusive relationship to others, but it all goes back to not know whats going to happen between 2 people!!!!
who knows?
i could seriously talk all day about relationships in recovery, but you may fall asleep,,,lol
i do know that nothing gets my blood boiling more than a big blow out with my husband!!! however learning to live with healthy relationships is a major part of the steps, so it may have been easier on a newcomer to focus on mending relationships with friends and family members than adding another situation, just a thought.
i have a friend who i got clean with, she absolutly cannot stay by herself, she would rather be with a chronic relasper than live out of a relationship, i actually know a ton of people like that, i guess in away i also have that fear of being alone, i am experiencing it now that my husband has taken a job on the other side of the country, i find myself missing him and wanting to be with him, this experience has taught me that i am ok by myself, doing my job, chores and keeping up with the stuff he usually does, speaking of which, i have to go read bed time stories..........i love what everyone said, this is a great thread! fyi ,,, ibk,,, blunt is the best way to be when it comes to addiction!!!! i love you

[witchery]

Great post IBKleen, I hope more people read this :)

Keeping it real :)

[j34]

Well I had the same and 2 weeks before my yr cake he breaks up with me and moved out 5 days later after a yr and a half being together !! Not to mention all the times he would not get off the couch and do things, the "nice guy" seemed to disappear then I was left with a relationship lol and I really did not know how to have one with another person so I have to have one with myself now first. I did not take the suggestions and I can tell you my first yr has been such a roller coaster I really don't want to see another go through the same thing!! suggestion find yourself first,cause what you think now will TOTALLY change with the more clean time you have..  Worried about how now it is him that you are craving...Addict personality coming through danger....Hp first, you and others .clean house,trust God,help others.All will come to you in time trust me Far more than you have ever hoped or dreamed off. Follow the program as layed down and you will find true happiness...with yourself..

[NautyOne]

I would NEVER date or even let myself get involved with a fellow addict!  My personal feelings, but I feel one ticking time bomb is enough !   Not even worth the risk....The last thing any woman ever wants to do is raise a child and have to go back to wiping behinds........No Way!

I wish you luck.......Ino this is an old post, but I had to flap-em.......I have negative-strong feelings on this issue.......

That's my story and I'm stickin too it!

luv,
Nauty.........

[candothis247]

I would be careful, when you say “recently met” and “falling hard” – be aware that, as addicts, it’s easy to switch addictions to people after giving up our DOC.  I like what the above posts say about holding off for a while, slow it way down.  Although love feels wonderful, if things go bad, are you strong enough to not use?

[tempted622]

My feelings are so mixed on this. I always thought it was the stupidist thing i ever heard to wait a year and personally I never allow one doctrine to dictate my decisions especially one that has rules. I mean I'm 30 and have only been in love once maybe twicw, both of which were fleeting. It's rare. Who wants to pass it up when it comes along? But recently I started becoming aware of how dangerous love can be in relation to my substance probs. I also have used because of loneliness. In all my crazy relationships in the past nine years I never went back to my DOC. I drank sometimes or smoked a little weed when things got rough even snorted coke, etc recreationally. But I always stayed away from heroin because I knew how much I liked it and what it would do to me. But a year ago I fell in love fast and hard and he treated me so sweet and compassionate, like I've never been treated before. I never felt as loved as by this guy. But sometimes people like him live in the moment. Overnight he left me for another woman and I was devestated. So much so that I relapsed after being clean nine years. The point is, the more you have your hopes in a person, the harder the fall. So it could be setting yourself up. I would be cautious. The difference with married people is that it is longterm, less dangerous. just be careful not to put your life in a strangers hands.

[msthellc]

Everyone's posts are very intersting & the focal point seems to me to be of the opinion not to get into a relationship in one's early recovery.  My partner and I also went through this dilemma as we met at an NA meeting early in our recovery.  What I've learnt through our relationship and our recovery is that we can encourage one another in a positive way or a negative way.  I am pleased to say that we have been together for almost 18 months and are expecting a baby soon and we have been clean since late November with a small relapse in late January.  Once I found this website I have used the trackers to monitor my due date and my clean time which has helped me immensely because I love watching the days go up.  My message to you though is that a relationship can be done successfully and happily as long as you are aware of the dangers and take precautions to avoid relapse.  Good luck & remember to enjoy living while clean.

[jt808]

i say good for u and go for it, the only thing i read that made me think was that ur kinda making him your new drug by getting obssessed with him. so just be sure to not over due anythng cuz to much of anythng can be bad. ok so now o get the negativies outta the way i am so very happy for u and hope u get thru this time and that u two are extremely happy for a long time. and likeu said rules are meant to be broken. and i also thnk that there are exceptions to the rule. so i say go for it... but no matter what happans in future between u and him or anythng for that matter do not look back and stay strong. good luck sweathart.....