Want to help my fiance

[dc0447]

Hi everyone.  This is my first time posting in a forum, but I have become desperate for guidance.  My fiance has become totally out of control with pain meds.  He started out "chewing" percocets.  Then he started snorted them.  About 3 months ago he took a voluntary lay off from work.  He start snorting oxy and now is up to about 6 30mg roxi's a day.  He is paid every 2 weeks (unemployment) and for the last 3 months, start a fight the night before his direct deposit, packs his stuff and "moves out" telling me that it is over.  He goes through over $700.00 usually in 1 day, then has no money and comes home again.  I know that I am not helping him by letting him come back but I worry myself sick about the people he is hanging with.  I have tried to talk to him but he doesn't want to admit that he has a problem.  I can't stand seeing him like this and want so bad to help.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  I would appreciate any information I can get.  I don't do any drugs and this is my first time dealing with an issue like this.  I am very niave and am afraid of him hurting himself.  He drinks when he is doing the pills.  He becomes violent and usually ends up fighting his whatever so-called friend he is with at the time.  He is not like that when not doing the pills.  He has never became violent with me, however verbally flips out at me if I confront him about looking for pills.  He gets so mad that I am nosing into his business.  I am only trying to help.......

[beachtowel]

Welcome to the forum....................

Run as fast as you can............................................................


He is a full blown addict, snorting percs "WOW"

He is an addict dc0447, he is in trouble, big trouble.
Go to a Narconon meeting and listen carefully........you will hear many things about addiction and how addicts act and think....

All he cares about is getting his stash that is #1 period!
You can't save him only he can save himself, he needs to stop using period!

Sorry, I wish I could give you a magic potion to help him but if your going to be involved you will need to go to the mattresses and go to war.

There are people here to help, if you have any specific questions I am here to answer them for you...
I wish you the best.............

[beachtowel]

I wrote this in rehab...........maybe it will explain things more to your understanding....................


In Search for Truth
by
Michael J. M........

Introduction

Meeting the Devil

   Addicts are loathed and ostracized by most, they are thought of as a social stigma that walks the earth. To others pity or compassion where a very small minority of people truly believe that addiction is a disease. They live in insanity amongst demons and calling only heard by the addict. Sometimes considered psychotic all the addict cares about is to use. The voice in addicts head will say get some Heroin you will feel better or you will get very sick. The voice will say scam some strong narcotic pain pills they will take care of the loneliness or depression while drowning in self pity. Then a voice may say go into the department store and steal a MP3 player then take it back for a refund. Another voice may say take twenty dollars out of your dads wallet he won’t miss it. The voice will always say don’t worry about getting caught or loosing everything, you need to get some crack. Most people including family members, friends, policeman and judges all think and believe the Addict is a choice and so are his decisions but I am here to tell you you’re wrong. The insane mind of an Addict is a very scary place. It is a place where monsters live and breathe fire, it is a place where Satan himself dwells in all his glory.

[Peete1974]

In my humble opinion you need to stop enabling him.  If he chooses to go out and blow all his money on drugs and then come running back when he has nothing left that is his problem.  I was in the same situation and the only way I got out of it was to stop helping him.  You need to tell him to go to detox or rehab and deal with his problem.  If he takes his money causes a fight and then leave tell him he can't come back, and stick to it.  Tough love is sometimes the only option.  I know you love him and worry yourself sick about him when he is out doing his thing but you need to be strong enough to deal with that.  If he chooses to leave don't let him back in until he agrees to get help.  He has to hit bottom if he is going to get better and he won't hit bottom if you keep letting him come back after he does this.  Please be strong and keep posting for support.  There are so many awesome people here with amazing advice.  Good luck!!!  I'll keep you in my prayers.
Peete

[hydrocodonegirl78]

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now, because I have caused the same hurt and pain to my ex-fiance, that your fiance is causing you.  When you are addicted to something, no matter if it Vicodin, Oxycotins, or herion, it takes over your world.  And no matter how much you love someone, the addiction is always there, to make it seem like it is more important than your loved ones.  My best advice to you is this; my fiance broke up with me, and kicked me out of our apartment just a few weeks ago.  And his final straw with me had still had nothing to do with my addiction directly, because I was hiding it so well until I got caught.  He was finally fed up with not being able to be honest with him, about anything in my life.  In turn, our once happy relationship of over 9 years, had turned into a miserable hell.  I will spare you the details of my life, but from being in his shoes, and the fact that you know all about his addiction, the best thing is to set an ultimatium with him.  Try to be non-confrontational as it is possible, and tell him you love him and want to anything to help him get better.  I know it seems like he doesn't care about the financial strain he has put on the relationship, but take it from me, someone just like your fiance, inside it is eating him alive, and just makes him feel worse about what he is doing to you.  The pills numb your feelings to reality, however also cause great depression, which in turn creates a huge downward spiral, that is hard to get out of.  But, if he refuses your help and wants to continue the way he is, then you must let him go, because your mental well-being is just as important.  Change the locks if you have to, but let him know that you can't continue on with him the way things are now.  Plus, you never know if and when the drugs may make him do something to you that he will regret...
Hang in there, and I will be online all day, because I am trying like hell to beat this thing too.  I never thought something like this would be so helpful...

[dc0447]

Thanks for responding.  I think I know where his life is heading and I have told him that I am on a completely different road.  What I am having such a hard time with is, after being together 3 years, watching him weed through "friends" he honestly has NOT ONE OTHER POSITIVE INFLUENCE.  I feel that if I walk away from him, his situation will obviously get worse.  If something were to happen to him, I don't know that I could live with that.  I would feel that if I were there to help, things would be different.  I also know that as long as I keep bailing him out by letting him come home and covering his bills that I am enabling him.  This is the hardest situation that I have ever been in.

[dyblue]

you must protect yourself he'll get help when he ready.  he could drag you down with him tell hinm to get serious help because you can't watch him kill himself.  he's not the same person anymore that you once loved until he's sober all he loves now is the dope.

[Peete1974]

What you need to realize is that these are his choices.  He is making them not you.  And if the drugs are what he chooses then he is the one who must pay the consequences.  Believe me I know how hard it is, I have been there.  If you lay it all out for him and he knows that he will have no one to turn to he will do one of two things.  He will get help or he will continue to use.  Neither of which is your choice.  Remember that we are all responsible for our own actions.  He will not get help until he reaches that bottom so bring that bottom to him by not letting him come back unless he gets treatment.  It will be incredibly hard on you, but it is also the best thing you can do for him whether you realize it or not.  Hang in there and remember he is the one responsible for his actions and if you arent' there to pick him up maybe he will do it himself.
Peete

[Eric_FL]

At some point you'll have to quit taking him back. Before he'll even begin to think about giving up the drugs, he needs to know there are consequences for his actions. He knows you'll take him back, thats why he keeps doing it. I'm sure he knows he has a problem, Thats why he gets so defensive about it when you ask him. That would mean he would have to admit to himself he's an addict. The problem with addiction is that addicts dont care about who gets hurt by their actions, Those pills are priority number F'n one. We dont want anyone to get hurt, but if they do, so be it. Your going to have alot of tough decisions to make. You need to think about how bad you want this to work. But most importantly HE has to want to stop, and he has to want it bad. All you can do is show him his options. Tell him you know he has a problem, and you want to help. Have the talk. Dont be confrontational, but be firm. Tell him your done putting up with it. And stand behind your decisions, dont throw out hollow threats. Maybe the threat of you leaving will motivate him. Just because hes an addict now, dosen't mean he HAS to be one forever. Its not impossible to get off pills. Im proof of that. Good Luck

[hydrocodonegirl78]

I know you feel like if you leave, he will have nobody, but that doesn't have to be the initial choice you give him.  Give him one more chance to accept the help he needs, with you there to support him.  That way the decision is his, not yours when it comes to who leaves who....

[dc0447]

For a long time I have been teeling myself to let him fall.  I know in my head that  that is the only thing I can do to help.  I guess in a way I am being selfish.  I think I take so much hurt and worry that maybe I let him come home just to make myself feel better.  Sometimes I think that if something were to happen, at least I am sober or straight enough to respond and help.  I want so bad to stay tough this time.  It's really wrong but I keep checking his bank account and, like right now, he is down to $8.31, I feel better knowing that he has blown his own financial resourses.  But on the other hand, now is when he will call around to his other using friends and find them their supply in exchange for 2 or 3 more pills.  I am glad that he has no money for pills, but he doesn't get another unemployment check for 2 weeks.....how will he eat, where will he stay?  He has pretty much worn out his welcome of flopping on other people's couches.  He will probably call me in the middle of the night tonight telling me how hungry he is and that he needs food.

[dyblue]

I don't mean to be mean but martyrdom aint where its at and you hit the nail on the head when you said it makes me feel better.  I quit herion when nobody wanted nothing to do with me thats what did it for me I got accused of stealing something at art school because I was the druggie I didn't do it but that what society thinks and that what got me off was wanting to be back in the human race and being treated that way others may disagree but the drug fiend has to have a reason to quit.   he needs treatment now let the professionals deal with him you can't help your love isn't going to stop him.

[dc0447]

you are absolutely right.  He always tells me that I am trying to control him.  I don't like to admit it, but I guess he's right.  It's not my decision to make....if he wants to use and wants that lifestyle, that's his choice.  At the same time, I am making the choice to allow that lifestyle to affect what I want for my own life.  I guess it is no different than being engaged to a electrician but wanting to marry a doctor, right?  He is who he is.  I guess I have to face it.  

[dyblue]

I had a friend once phone me needed a place to stay I said no she said I gottago I said have a nice life if you get one she got straight years later and said what I said really made a impression.  you see you can't control what other do its their life and when it starts to screw up your s or your getting used you have to drae the line junkies use people as well as drugs get away from hin you owe noone in this world and nobody owes you so let him go he's gone anyways you know if he gets better he could come back .  take care of yourself life is too short.  your not equipped to deal with this shiat.

[Eric_FL]

I came in here, thinking for sure that some people would stick up for the boyfriend, "give him another chance", "he dosn't know what he's doing" "Your love will fix everything"...etc. But suprisingly, its unanimous, eveyone agrees, You have to take the hard line in this matter. I may have to put this thread in my favorites, It not very often that everyone agrees with everyone.

[beachtowel]

hydrocodonegirl78
3/31/2007
C9  . I know you feel like if you leave, he will have nobody, but that doesn't have to be the initial choice you give him. Give him one more chance to accept the help he needs, with you there to support him. That way the decision is his, not yours when it comes to who leaves who....

Please don't take this like I am picking on you specificly.......
One more chance to do what?
His decision to do what?

Let me answer for you if I may:
He will continue to use.....

He does not have choices anymore, he is an addict and what do addicts do?
They use and they leave victims in there wake......

I understand how you want to nuture and keep everything together but the fiance will get crushed in the cross fire.
Look at your own situation with family, friends, the law did you make the decision to destroy them?
I am an addict, I was for 36 years and thank god I have been clean now since Nov. of 05
I'm not just talking out of my ass, I am only telling a hard truth.......

[dc0447]

you know....I wasn't sure about posting to this forum.  I was actually looking for a forum of family and loved ones of addicts.  I have to agree, I am suprised that everyone says let him go.  I was wxpecting that since most of you know what it's like to be in his shoes, that I would have been advised to help him.  I really appreciates everyone's thoughts and it is so helpful to hear "let him hit bottom" because this is coming from many that have been there.  I think that if staying tough will help, I can do it.  If he gets help and changes his lifestyle, we could have a great life together.  If he doesn't, then I am better off without him.  I have to keep reminding myself.....it may hurt now, but it will get easier.  If I stay with him without changes, it will hurt forever.

[sosad5306]

Everyone is right that is why everyone agrees.  We all know from experience.  Ya know, I am on day 2 c/t off of vics and oxys and it fuc1ing blows it it hell it is torture.  I am scared I miss my pills but I KNOW there is a better life waiting for me.  My friends and family say, Julie, we want you back....I owe that to me and to them to go thorugh this hell to get clean.
No sugar coating from me today b/c I feel too awful to be sweet, but you are effectively an enabler.  I KNOW you want what is best for him and you are trying to do the right thing but it is the wrong thing.  I am so so sorry you are in this postiion.  You are the true victim here...the addict is no victim no matter how innocently it starts.  But please understand you have to be tough.  Make his rock bottom come up and kick him in the ass.  He either will or he won't but pills are absolutely #1 to him.  Only HE can change that.

[CATUF]

Active addiction is not something that can be tolerated.  If it is, it just continues.  I was doing exactly what your bf is doing, but at greater quantities - then I switched to crack and the notion that it couldn't get any worse was shown to be false.

I would not be alive if I was not forced into rehab.  I didn't want to go and I really didn't want to quit either.  At the time I was shipped off the best I could do was kind of wanting to want to quit - I knew that my world was upside down and that I should want it to be change, but I just couldn't "see" any way out.

Addiction proffessionals will tell you that it's false that the addict has to want it.  The recovery rates for those forced into treatment is exactly the same as for those who crawl in of their own accord.  As my wife put it when family and friends were telling her that it wouldn't do any good unless I wanted it, I was in no condition mentally, physicially, emotionally or spiritually to know or decide what I wanted.  I thank God for her every day - She saved my life.

CATUF
Day-662

[beachtowel]

A forum of loved ones to addicts is Narconon..................

[beachtowel]

dc0447,

Sorry if my words were bitter to accept now if I may give you a solution:

Get him into a detox and inpatient rehab to save his life................

Be there to support him and tell him you will be there with open arms when he is clean and not using..............................

[dc0447]

I find no one's words harsh here.....hell, you should hear the harsh words I deal with....lol.  I really appreciate everyone's responses and it is very helpful to have my feelings reinforced from those who have been where he is.  I honestly love him with all of my heart.  I know that he deserves so much more than where he is now.  On top of all of this, he is fighting a vistation battle with his ex and it is to a point that I am finding it difficult to be supportive in the fight because I fear having his 7 year old son here for the whole summer and seeing this mess.  I don't think that his life is stable enough to bring him here and he wants me to go to court to testify next month.  He loves his son and would never intentionally do anything to harm him but bringing him here is not the best right now.  If I am not supportative in that fight, things he will flip but I can't go into that court and completely lie.  If he loses his summer visitation, I am so afraid of what that will do to him.  

[dc0447]

Another thought......because I would like to have info available if he ever decides to attempt help.  He has no medical insurance and no financial resources.  Are there any programs or help available for detox/rehab?  

[beachtowel]

Yes there is through the state, the problem is he might have to wait 4-6 weeks for a bed not occupied by the rich, or insurance patients first............

The money comes from the Mental Health support money of the state, addiction is considered a mental health issue....

I listened to your story about his state of mind and you worry about him getting to see his son? I would not let him near his son in his present state........
If you lie in court for him you will have to take responsibility if something were to happen to his son..............

Addicts think self gratification first and foremost, what they need to do is fix themselves first then the other things will happen in time...........

Now I don't mean this mean either but you need to stop enabling him and if you truely care and want to help him he needs to stop using period!!!

good luck and I hope this helps,,,,,,