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Was all ready to jump. Now .....
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Was all ready to jump. Now .....

Hey friends.
I am really lost and wondering why what and why.
Ready to get clean.
Come home from work just before it's dark.
Check on my 92 year old dad and ask where is mom. He said he hasn't seen her in awhile. Guess she's back there resting.
I get their meds together, wash some dishes ready to give her her heart pills and what do I find.
My mother OD'ed today on darviset. Two bottles of it. Like 240 pills.
She's dead!! 74.
I am just freaking LOST!!!
I don't know what how why ,
She was cold and stiff. Set it up so I would find her. I just don't know.
Killing yourself is THE MOST SELFISH THING YOU CAN DO!!! She just killed a part of me!
My dad my son my wife my poor dad. 92 years old. I'm sure this will effect him but I will just love him up. But dang, really, DEATH MY PILLS!!!
I am going to figure out how TI get CLEAN!!
But my plan is out the window now.
Our whole life changed right then.
I just don't know   I was about to jump. Now. I can't see how to. I just don't know
21 Comments Post a Comment
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2107676_tn?1388977459
I am so sorry for everything you are going through and I really don't know what to say.  I would think that you need to concentrate on making the funeral arrangements for your mother and it's going to be hard enough for you to do without suffering withdrawals while doing it.  Your mother must have been in a horrible state of mind to do what she did and I really hope that you take good care of yourself and maybe consider therapy.  
My heart really goes out to you and I understand your anger with her.
Please keep posting.  Do you have any siblings that can help?
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406584_tn?1399591666
Oh Geez Michael.. I'm so very sorry to read this.. My heart goes out to you your wife/son your dad all who loved your mom.. no words I have can help you with your pain but to say how very sorry I'm.. as you know I too em trying very hard to deal with the loss of a very dear loved one.. Please I know at this time it may sound harsh but do not throw your opportunity out the window.. I know of what I speak.. everyday, everyday I have had to fight the urge to drink to get high to escape to use my nieces death as a means to give some relief from the pain I feel.. It would not, all it would do is compound it.. I do not know why your mom took her life I do not know why my lil bro took his life at 13 all I know is we have to honor them in some way If they were in that much pain to do this We should be strong where they could not.. we must change a legacy..  my heart goes out to your poor dad it really does but I can not think of a better time for you to have your head on straight.. a lil rough maybe but Michale I also feel a lil rough.. we have to live.. Life is for the living.. I'm so sorry for your loss but I would be more sorry if your family were to loose you. stick with your quit... Again my Condolences to you and all who loved your Dear Mom... lesa
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2083449_tn?1381358308
I'm so very sorry! I wish there was something I could say to comfort you! You are in my thoughts and prayers! I agree this will not be a good time for you to jump! Focus on your family, try to draw some strength to get through this time! Maybe some grief counseling will help! Again, I'm so very sorry! Please take care of yourself! We will be here for you!
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you Leza. I did not see this coming. She set it all up for me to find her. As u said. Honor them and get me clean. My head is still pounding so bad. Wife on her way home. She's with her dad in Ga. He has a brain tumer. A dear friend drove up there to get her and bring her home. We will get her car later. I'm still trying to taper. Just really screwed up now.
Thank you others too. This site means so much to me.
I still going to say it
I will win. I will be clean. I will be strong.
Bye mom. Love you. Miss you bad already.
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2107676_tn?1388977459
Big hugs going out to you.  I know you will do it.  Stay with your taper and go from there.  You have enough on your mind right now.  I just can't imagine what you are going through.  Again, I am so sorry.
Pat
xo
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm sorry for your loss and will say a prayer for you and your family.
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2333944_tn?1342915967
Oh, I am so sorry to read this, this morning.   Saying  a prayer for you.   Please stay strong.   Even in the face of all of this, if you can't quit now, you can still do it in the future.   Don't give up on that.   Try to take as few as possible and just put off quitting a little longer, if you have to do that.   Stay with us and let us know how you are doing.   When things level out a little, you will be able to do this.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm sorry to hear about this tragic accident. I bet ya it was a bad bad accident. I'm gonna say prayers for you and your family.

Don't let this stop you from getting healthy tho. I'm supporting you either way.
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2074300_tn?1340594685
Oh Dear God......I am so sorry.  I cannot imagine.

Make this the day you live on healthy......let something wonderful come from this tragedy PLEASE!

Thoughts and prayers are with you and yor family.....I am so very sorry for your loss.

Laurie
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Avatar_f_tn
I am really sorry for your loss that is horrible I could not imagine having to go through that. I could only imagine my reaction to having something happen like that. I wish I could give you an answer I wish I could give everyone an answer and take away everyone's pain and suffering and take these stupid drugs out of everyone's life. I will pray for you stay strong you can do this we all can do this
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2218783_tn?1357574681
I am so sorry I am saying a prayer for you and your family I am so very sorry God bless you and take you in his arms and give you peace <3
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406584_tn?1399591666
I'm glad to read you will be continuing Michale. we handle and resolve death when we are clean while using we file it away to feel later if we are lucky enough to get a later.. I'm sorry your mom set it up so you find her. only you may know where her head was before she did this. I also know you are dealing with other things, we can not put life off for the burdens we bear.. You will win this war You will get your head on straight and You will make your wife and family Proud.. warmly lesa
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Avatar_f_tn
Oh Lord,, I am speechless. I am soo so so very sorry that this happened to you andsorry for your loss. (((hugs)))~Bkitty
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495284_tn?1333897642
How long have you been clean?
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Avatar_m_tn
i am so sorry to hear of your mom's passing... i can't imagine being without my mom:( and the way she left is just really sad... my prayers are with you and your family.. please keep pushing though as hard as it is do it for your LIFE...
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Avatar_m_tn
Just feel so empty.
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Avatar_f_tn
I found my 56 year old father dead in his apt 4 years ago now.  He died from complications of alcoholism.  I am also an addict/alcoholic.  These past 4 years have not been easy thats for sure.  Six months after my dad died my 36 year old brother overdosed..cocaine, fentanyl and alcohol.  I developed a heavy addiction to vicodin in 2009/2010.  I lost everything as a result.  I was a professional, now my license is suspended and I am unable to work and care for my children.  We are on foodstamps which only stretch so far each month and we actually ran out of food the other day.  These pills will rob you of EVERYTHING.  My biggest regret in life is the day I popped that first pill.  You feel empty, dont fill that emptiness with pills, please.  I feel for what you are going through so much!  Remember you are not alone, and take it one day at a time, one minute at a time.  Am very proud to say have not had a vicodin since Feb 2011, you can do it too!
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't blame you for feeling empty. This kind of hurt is nearly unbearable and I'm so sorry you have to go through it.

Are you alone? Can you get with your family for support?  My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Avatar_m_tn
Still going to jump!!
Thank y'all so much for your support!!
Kinda getting into our new life.
My new motto, "NO REGRETS" just press on!!
Mom had planned this last move of hers in great detail. From what we have found she knew she wanted to OD in 2005. Notes with dates. Things in purses, pockets, shoes and drawers.
Propoxyphene , Darvocet was what took her mind. We have flushed AT LEAST 4000 PILLS!!  They were EVERYWHERE!!
  Through my mama's suicide I have realized how important it now is for my jump!! I need to clear my head, pull up my paints, tighten up my belt and do what I have to do FOR ME!! Once I have me again, I'll be the man that everyone knows me to be, but with this difference, another person that has been there and can do as y'all are doing. HELPING OTHERS GET CLEAN!!
I WILL WIN
Michael
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2333944_tn?1342915967
Michael, when you get ready, start a new post so we can follow and support you.   Again, I am so sorry about your mom.   Sometimes we never realize what is going on with a loved one until it is too late.   I know she would be smiling down on you and supporting you in your efforts to quit pills.  We will all be behind you, so just let us know when you are ready.
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406584_tn?1399591666
I'm Proud for you that you are going to keep your Quit !! very Happy. as you take that plunge remember all you are doing this for.. keep that always and make this a war you do not plan on loosing.  no matter how bad it gets it can only get better after the 3rd and 4th day.. You and I will both mourn clean.. warmly lesa
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