Weak and not myself lately

It's raining and nasty here today, so it looks like ill be off work. these past 2 weeks i have been so up and down, and hit with massive cravings. i really seem to be struggling right now and im actually afraid. i woke up dreaming of coke this morning and im having a tough time breathing. I have to decided to go to a meeting today, it's not N/A, my aunt is an addiction counsellor at the rehab here and every friday are  meetings at a church, i attended for about a month when i first got clean and it was fantastic there. i guess im posting this cause i can't use, i can't i can't i can't, but that knot im my stomach is there and it's more than a craving now. I really hate this and im having a pity party for myself. I'm gonna be around on here today as i need the support. This really *****, but ill snap out of it. I just needed to vent and get some support, i know this will pass. i hate being weak, but i am lately.

[Jacqui805]

You're not weak Giz, you're human.  You are doin' the right thing by coming here and going to that meeting you're talkin' about.  I know I can't help a whole lot, but I'm glad to see you're posting about this....You can keep on the good path Giz, I know you can...

[sadinmichigan]

reread what newmangment wrote..you are not going to give in to those cravings..what did he say??Keep it simple..(i won't call you stupid) lol..seriously though..you don't have an option..you already made the choice..right? This is a fight for life.
The weather suks here too..it's the same as yours..ughh..rainy,dreary days..you will get through this..afterall there is no other way to do it..sending you a hug~Lisa

[larry1978]

hang tight bro...you can make it...i know its tougher than hell man...im off hydros..and if i dont keep my mind buisy...thats all i think about....all i can tell ya is post away...we can talk about anything man...anything...
im here for ya..
larry

[tryinhard78]

Hey I have never posted to you so HI....I have been reading on here for so long I feel like I know you. I'm trying to kick pills so I don't know much about coke...But I know about cravings..Had them all day yesterday and already started today. I feel you on that one. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone..I'll be on here most of the day too if you wanna chat. You have done a great job staying clean...Stay Strong you can do it

[gizzy32]

Thanks guys, i did read newmanagements comment again, and i was looking at the health pg avis put up for coke cravings. i know i have to work this today and i will. It's weird how i feel guilty that i want to use this bad, but that is addiction. i am going to be so nervous walking in there again today, but i know it will help, just like posting here does. i am so miserable the past 2 days so stay the hell out of my way, lol. fight fight fight giz, see im a little whacko lately:)

[sadinmichigan]

I was told by a friend awhile ago..(and it makes sense)..that it's not enough to just stop thinking about it..you have to replace the thought with something else..does that make sense? LOL..I think the meeting will be great..and you should plan on it every friday..because I am hearin ya about the weekends..no matter what it is we DON'T want to do..the weekend is always harder..infact the summer has been hard I think for many as far as cravings..been alot of them the past few months..myself included. I gave in a couple times but set myself straight right away..thankgod....hang in there..I know you will...

[Jacqui805]

So what time's that meeting Giz?

[tryinhard78]

I think I'm gonna run up to Canada and go with you if thats ok lol...I think I need a meeting myself

[cathy5841]

giz, i have faith in ya.  you will not use...use my work number if ya need me.  you know i am here.  if you lost the number text me and i will send it to you.  just know it does get better.  only once ina whole year have i thought about coke!!!!!!!!   hang on with all ya have and when ya feel you are slipping call me.  i love ya!!!!!!

[gizzy32]

The meeting is at one and from what i remember almost everyone there at the time abused pills, i did not get it at the time, but after reading so much here i do now. at least when i show up today i will have almost be 2.5 months clean instead of walking in looking like a zombie, barely clean

[merrymaria]

stay strong gizzy...you have come too far...i been getting cravings from xxxx for pills.  its just the devil knockin at your door so don t answer it.  i ve learned this is an everyday battle and we shall win..take care and fight...maria

[joann1975]

You can do this! I know how strong you are..and you will beat this craving. Keep posting and talking to us until the meeting if you need to...do whatever it takes! I know you will pull through b/c YOU are strong!
JoAnn

[bandnmom]

You are strong and this to shall pass. Rememeber me fighting.....you helped me and i'll always be here to help you too. Going to a meeting is great. Play with the pooches...eat...you know how much you like doing that!  haha ! Lets do our picks for the games this weekend....anything to keep your mind busy and on something else!

[tryinhard78]

I pick the Colts!!

[mimi1313]

Gizzy,

I know you can get through this. The main thing is to stay away form your triggers this weekend. This will pass and you'll get through it. I know its hard but I have faith in you.
Hugs,
Melissa

[bobby139]

Hey Pal...I know you are going though hell right now....go to the meeting....call your friends...do whatever you can...you have come so far my friend, i know you can make it you have faught so hard...it will pass, stay strong, rainy days dont help i know its been rainy here for a week now and cold as hell, it gets ya down...among other problems!!
Stay busy...call ppl....si..already said that, havnt had my coffee yet...
Im off work today if you need to or even if you dont lol    call me
love ya
bobby

[dominosarah]

Keep fighting Gizzy and get to that meeting.  You are not weak.  You are stronger than you think.  Do like Bandnmom said.........get your picks going for this Sunday.  I could send you a couple of the "Raiders" cheerleaders to do the fight song!!!!!  You can do this Gizzy.  I am proud of you for how far you have come.  You are my favorite man nun!!!!  Stay strong my friend and keep posting............maryp

[gizzy32]

I am leaving in an hour for meeting, but im am nervous to go, don't know y, sitting around with a bunch of druggies is scary, haha, but it will help. i feel the anxiety lifting now, but the craving is still there. i think i need to stay in tonight and get back on later and read posts, it works.

MP- ROTF im never going to live that down now, man nun haha, kinda like pope dudes huh.

[gizzy32]

I must say going to a meeting like that makes u feel high when u walk out, kinda pumped up. There were not that many there, so i got to talk a lot, lol. There was no reading from cards,  we just went around the circle and each one talked how they were feeling today. Yes i went there still a bit crabby, frustrated to want coke and left feeling great.  There is one lady, that i remember there from the other meetings and the N/A that i attended for awhile and she still goes to them all, and she is having the one year party in a few weeks. One year clean from crack she is and to hear how happy she is now and excited to be clean is what it's all about. It's too bad i normally work friday's and can't go to these till winter again, but there are N/A meetings here in the evenings so if i feel the need to go i can. ok done yapping now. ty for the support i feel better now, but still gonna stay in tonight and be a good boy, lol.

[tryinhard78]

I'm glad you went and are feeling better...But I know how you were feeling. I don't have anyone here to talk to so I post away lol...Noone knows my little secret so I have to act happy go lucky around everyone. Got of track there anyways I'm glad your feeling better.

[bandnmom]

I am so happy you are feeling better!!! I knew you could get threw it! I am proud of you!

[Coolio Hernendez]

Hang in there dude......I wish i could help more.....you have helped me so much...

[corey411]

Hey Gizzy, Glad you were able to ride it out. There are some things that I question about NA but the meetings aren't one of them. I never left one without feeling better. Did you ever think about checking an NA meeting out. They have some in my area that are speaker meetings every week and you can just go and listen and stay annonymos if you don't want to do the whole NA thing. Its also a good place to get phone numbers and support people that will help you through cravings like Bill does for you. Glad you are doing so well and didn't cave. GBU, Corey

[avisg]

Gizzy we are here for you .You have kind of had a bit of a rough week I am sure thats not helping .I am here if you need to talk..
avis

[gizzy32]

it's ok guys, i really do feel better now. i  have to say the biggest thing i have learned to beat this is i now recognize quick when im getting in trouble and that's y this place is so great i can get help right away. I say it all the time, but it;'s true, i would not be 75 days clean without this place and the support. thanks again.

[wanttobeclean]

Hey gizzy...I'm so sorry you are having a rough time.  I'm really, really glad you got to a meeting and things clicked so well for you.  I know this time is it for you Gizzy..I can just "hear" your committment and insight.  Hope you have a great weekend.   Hugs

[newmanagment]

G, as ya know, I don get much time to myself, kids, wife, n work eat alot of me. thas a good thing cuz when im alone i tend to crave alot. Im sure ya made today, cuz if ya woulda got real bad uda called me, right!?!? but i gotta tell ya bro, as you prolly know , you are not alone. See G, we are a lil different then alot of people here. cocaine , like heroin and a few others, is soooo mentally addictive that the cravings will tear your *** up!! I had a neighbor show up here, hi as fuk on crack, my doc.  that wuz 2 friday nites ago. I dreamt of coke all nite, woke up with a job to do that is an hour n a half drive, y not get some dope n smoke it on the road?!?  I knew i couldnt, and that threw me into an even worse craving, so bad i was almost puking.... shaking, cold n hot, you know how it goes. I almost caved bro, butcha know wut, im smarter and stronger then that. Like you i have decided that **** ain runnin my life no more, ever!
It is not gonna get better quick for us G, but it will get better! Every day im clean is another day im rewarded with the smile in my kids eyes, the laughter around the house, and the insanity of having a family!!  been pourin here all day too, damn hurricanes, and i dont work in the rain either, pllus today wuz payday!! so instead of goin alone to get my check, i took the kids with me, and we went to chuck e cheese. not my usual routine , but remember ya gotta change people places and things!!  
so jus keep fightin bro, don let it rule your entire life tho. me thinks gizzy needsta get a lil ol fashion lovin!! get out there bro, meet someone to share your sobriety with , and i think your cravings will chill a lil then!! course, my phd is a lil tarnished so lets ask somea the girls here?!?  
Much love bro...............

[kris123]

yu made it through

[dominosarah]

Newmanagement you are really kickin some butt here!!!!  I am so glad to see this.  Gizzy you got a good guy on your side.

[johnnykelly]

Iwish you all the safe guards that your term of sobriety give you/me Gizzy I am on Probation and anm not allowed to give advice,maybe if I keep the peace and good order in time The officials @ Med-Help will lift the sanction.I thow am happy to be back.The thing about cocaine unlike alcohol,or pills is even though we know it will lead to devastation we still dont develope an adversion to the EVIL substance. Your friend John

[worried878]

good decision giz...i think i have seasonal modd disorder..it can rain here for weeks with no sunshine...it does get me down...***** out my energy..i am a sunshime girl and thrive on rays i get from the sunshine

Rainy days and Mondays...always get me down

wasnt that the Carpenters...showing my age here LOL...but it is true

[marcatj]

Giz - maybe it's better to be "pro-active" going forward, not "re-active."

what i mean is, that meeting did you SO much good yesterday.  and since you can't go now til winter, you said you'd go to an NA meeting instead "if you really need it."

maybe it's good to go anyway.  maybe if you go anyway, it will help before the cravings start.  you'll have more tools and strength before it even starts...

sounds like thats what going on with the woman who beat who crack addiction, who's now a year clean.

its just a thought.  but seeing the change from you before and after the meeting at church you went to, it just seems like maybe it's better to go anyway... to the other meetings.

again - just a thought.  but it sure popped out at me when i read this thread. that it might make the whole thing easier...

congrats on 75 days buddy.  that is FANTASTIC.

[gizzy32]

ty, you make a good point. it probably would do me good to go more, but honestly i guess i got a bit lazy and stopped attending back then, and my relapse before i found medhelp made me ashamed to go back to the meetings. your so right though, the way i felt walking out after that meeting was like a high, i had remembered that from other meetings when i first went. i felt so much better, but also posting on here helped too and got me started. you always give good advice.