Aa
Weaker then I thought
2 months short of 5 yrs clean from opiates... Yes it happened. I didn't think I was an addict anymore, I forgot, as crazy as that sounds. Then, divorce, child custody battle and my fathers sudden death, I wanted the pain 2 go away, i didnt want to hurt anymore and mother superior can be your best friend again. Three months later my bank acct drained, full addict, missing work, etc. Three days back clean again and feeling great except my emotions are so crazy I was crying to an episode of the 70's show! Never forget, this can sneak up on you after years and I know I have a long road ahead, again. I'm pretty much a closet junkie as my friends, family don't k ow n wanted to reach out to all my brothers n sisters out there, stay strong! :-)
What an amazing post. Your story is one that many know. We can find ourselves in some part of your story. That is why we are here...on this site as well as fighting for our sobriety, our lives,
I love the part, "One morning I woke up and though still felt bad, things didn't seem quite as bleak. Color started returning to my soul and I started to little by little wake up from the worst nightmare I had ever had in my life".
You hit the nail on the head and I hope that those currently going through the physical and mental struggles read that and know it DOES get better. And when it does, we must keep fighting.
You are an inspiration. A fighter.
I love the part, "One morning I woke up and though still felt bad, things didn't seem quite as bleak. Color started returning to my soul and I started to little by little wake up from the worst nightmare I had ever had in my life".
You hit the nail on the head and I hope that those currently going through the physical and mental struggles read that and know it DOES get better. And when it does, we must keep fighting.
You are an inspiration. A fighter.
through the worst of it.
Avatar_f_tn
by bfreberg1978, 50 minutes
I know a lot of you are in horrible w/d and trust me when I tell you that I understand your pain. I for about the hundredth time in my life just went through the process of withdrawl again and I'm here to tell you it's not fun. I was introduced to pain meds about 11 years ago and regret the day I ever picked them up. It started when I met a woman who had lupus about 11 years ago. She was taking oxycontin, 40 mg 12 hour tabs as well as Lori set 10's. I lived with her family and picked up a lot of bad habits during the course of my stay with them including a love for the pills.
Upon taking the first pill I recognized an immediate confidence and level of energy I had never had. Nothing bothered me for the first time in my life and coming from the past I had to endure that is saying a lot. It was very little at first. One pill seemed to last an eternity and the euphoria was amazing. I remember though always waking up the next day feeling drawn, anxious, insecure, but never recognized until much later that it was because of the use of the medication "loriset". As time went on and my tolerance grew I graduated to her oxycontin and trust me when I tell you that it didn't take long. The first time I felt real withdrawl I woke up and couldn't function, but didn't recognize it for what it was. I was at her brother's house and when she stopped over she informed me that I was feeling bad because I had become dependant. So she gave me more of the drug and within 20 minutes I was fully functional. This began a pattern that lasted for many year's on and off. I finally reached my bottom about 4 years ago. I had an amazing job, a brand new car, great house and had met my daughter who at the time was 13. Then the bottom fell out!!! I lost my job, income, was on the verge of losing my car and the pills seemed to be my only relief, but it was false. After blowing 5 grand in only two month's on a 10 or more pill a day habit on roxy 30 mg tablets I realized just how insane this addiction had become. Each pill would cost 25-30 dollar's. Insane right ? That's about 200.00 plus dollar a day habit. It was time to stop. I packed my stuff and headed to my sisters and began the process of withdrawl. I lasted all of 3 days. The pain in my limbs, the runs, runny nose, insomnia, maddening depression and anxiety and the restless legs syndrome were just to much and so I did the most logical thing I knew and started using again. I blew through everything I had financially until I was tapped out and left only with my weekly unemployment check at which point I decided to try to quit once again. So, back to my sister's. It was the worst 2 months of my life. Flu is an under statement. I thought I would never feel happy again. Doing the most mundane tasks such as washing a dish, baithing, or even changing my sister's sons diaper seemed so big that even just thinking about it was exhausting. That absolute mental disfunction coupled with the physical symptoms was enough to make me want to die. It didn't last though. One morning I woke up and though still felt bad, things didn't seem quite as bleak. Color started returning to my soul and I started to little by little wake up from the worst nightmare I had ever had in my life.
It took time, it took patience, but in the end it was so worth it. I have relapsed a few times since then, but never has it gotten as bad. I will never forget that two month period ever... I have recently been diagnosed with severe bilateral foaminal stenosis and have 2 bulging disc's in my back. What I've learned is that I'm an addict and CANNOT be trusted to hold my meds. A script that's intended to last a month will only last a week if I'm left to my own will. While I take them I'm not Brian. I'm a force of nature and no one can stop the insanity. I'm blessed to have someone in my life who understands and is willing to help me be sane in the midst of my own insanity. Though I know I need them to cope with the chronic nerve damage and pain I also know that I cannot manage the addiction. N/A and A/A have been instrumental in me coming to terms with who and what I am. The switch that stops most people at one pill or one drink seems to be broken in my brain and I recognize it. I have lied, cheated, stolen and hurt alot of people . I'm learning that this isn't a day by day struggle, but a minute by minute and hour by hour. Surgery will hopefully begin the process of healing my back and that's coming this year.
In closing I just want you to know that it will end, the pain will subside, you will feel happy again and you will find yourself at the end of this ridiculously difficult and long journey.
Avatar_f_tn
by bfreberg1978, 50 minutes
I know a lot of you are in horrible w/d and trust me when I tell you that I understand your pain. I for about the hundredth time in my life just went through the process of withdrawl again and I'm here to tell you it's not fun. I was introduced to pain meds about 11 years ago and regret the day I ever picked them up. It started when I met a woman who had lupus about 11 years ago. She was taking oxycontin, 40 mg 12 hour tabs as well as Lori set 10's. I lived with her family and picked up a lot of bad habits during the course of my stay with them including a love for the pills.
Upon taking the first pill I recognized an immediate confidence and level of energy I had never had. Nothing bothered me for the first time in my life and coming from the past I had to endure that is saying a lot. It was very little at first. One pill seemed to last an eternity and the euphoria was amazing. I remember though always waking up the next day feeling drawn, anxious, insecure, but never recognized until much later that it was because of the use of the medication "loriset". As time went on and my tolerance grew I graduated to her oxycontin and trust me when I tell you that it didn't take long. The first time I felt real withdrawl I woke up and couldn't function, but didn't recognize it for what it was. I was at her brother's house and when she stopped over she informed me that I was feeling bad because I had become dependant. So she gave me more of the drug and within 20 minutes I was fully functional. This began a pattern that lasted for many year's on and off. I finally reached my bottom about 4 years ago. I had an amazing job, a brand new car, great house and had met my daughter who at the time was 13. Then the bottom fell out!!! I lost my job, income, was on the verge of losing my car and the pills seemed to be my only relief, but it was false. After blowing 5 grand in only two month's on a 10 or more pill a day habit on roxy 30 mg tablets I realized just how insane this addiction had become. Each pill would cost 25-30 dollar's. Insane right ? That's about 200.00 plus dollar a day habit. It was time to stop. I packed my stuff and headed to my sisters and began the process of withdrawl. I lasted all of 3 days. The pain in my limbs, the runs, runny nose, insomnia, maddening depression and anxiety and the restless legs syndrome were just to much and so I did the most logical thing I knew and started using again. I blew through everything I had financially until I was tapped out and left only with my weekly unemployment check at which point I decided to try to quit once again. So, back to my sister's. It was the worst 2 months of my life. Flu is an under statement. I thought I would never feel happy again. Doing the most mundane tasks such as washing a dish, baithing, or even changing my sister's sons diaper seemed so big that even just thinking about it was exhausting. That absolute mental disfunction coupled with the physical symptoms was enough to make me want to die. It didn't last though. One morning I woke up and though still felt bad, things didn't seem quite as bleak. Color started returning to my soul and I started to little by little wake up from the worst nightmare I had ever had in my life.
It took time, it took patience, but in the end it was so worth it. I have relapsed a few times since then, but never has it gotten as bad. I will never forget that two month period ever... I have recently been diagnosed with severe bilateral foaminal stenosis and have 2 bulging disc's in my back. What I've learned is that I'm an addict and CANNOT be trusted to hold my meds. A script that's intended to last a month will only last a week if I'm left to my own will. While I take them I'm not Brian. I'm a force of nature and no one can stop the insanity. I'm blessed to have someone in my life who understands and is willing to help me be sane in the midst of my own insanity. Though I know I need them to cope with the chronic nerve damage and pain I also know that I cannot manage the addiction. N/A and A/A have been instrumental in me coming to terms with who and what I am. The switch that stops most people at one pill or one drink seems to be broken in my brain and I recognize it. I have lied, cheated, stolen and hurt alot of people . I'm learning that this isn't a day by day struggle, but a minute by minute and hour by hour. Surgery will hopefully begin the process of healing my back and that's coming this year.
In closing I just want you to know that it will end, the pain will subside, you will feel happy again and you will find yourself at the end of this ridiculously difficult and long journey.
I also lost my brother and my dad in the same year. Alcohol and pain meds seemed like the best answer, not... wow how quickly I forgot the misery and pain, but remember all to well today. It's been 5 days today since my last 15 mg roxy. It's a horrible process especially because the emotional pain we feel in the midst of the worst of it is so crippling. This is not my first rodeo, but it will get better.
hey there - wanted to stop in and send my support your way - see how you're doing. Hoping for your best. Here to listen and support! You're not alone. Prayers out!
Hi, your not weak at all !!! Don't ever think that about yourself. You have proved how strong you are by being almost 5 years clean. I think it will only make you stronger this time round. Its just a reminder to yourself of where you want to be, clean. well done on day 3, that's a good start !!
I wanted to just post a comment that i am trying to keep in my thoughts for whenever I stumble from the path i know that i am supposed to be on - every one uses their own sayings or reminders, this little crazy one has been helping me of late....
I am trying to keep it simple in my brain, so if I happen to "fall" I like to say to myself out aloud - So what, I have fallen of my couch before and I didn't sell it or decide that I could never sit on a couch again.
Like I said - its a simple silly saying - but it reminds me that I don't give up on everything else when when something happens, so why should I give up on myself.
It is a different version of "don't give up" ...but I am kinda sick of hearing all of the sayings I have heard from people that don't understand the moments / minutes / hours or weeks some of us have to deal with, so I made up my own version that means the same thing, but also makes me laugh a little every time I say it :)
Might be helpful, might not, but hopefully at least you also laughed at the way I have found to try to think positive :)
I am trying to keep it simple in my brain, so if I happen to "fall" I like to say to myself out aloud - So what, I have fallen of my couch before and I didn't sell it or decide that I could never sit on a couch again.
Like I said - its a simple silly saying - but it reminds me that I don't give up on everything else when when something happens, so why should I give up on myself.
It is a different version of "don't give up" ...but I am kinda sick of hearing all of the sayings I have heard from people that don't understand the moments / minutes / hours or weeks some of us have to deal with, so I made up my own version that means the same thing, but also makes me laugh a little every time I say it :)
Might be helpful, might not, but hopefully at least you also laughed at the way I have found to try to think positive :)
Hey Brian ! Just want to lend my support here. I also have had some long stretches of being completely clean and then relapsing. I was heading for 3 years clean and let stress get to me and like you and the others, it pretty much drained everything good out of my life immediately. I am now approaching 2 years again and things are good but I am always turning over the things I will do if things get bad again. I kind of have developed a doomsday plan or list of things to do as an alternative to relapsing. Those things are kind of crazy but they are no where near as crazy as relapsing. I know you can get back to where you were before. I think that what you were doing before WAS working or you would never have made it five years. Sometimes we just need to add to our plan and adjust. Keep going my friend! It's what we all do and as Sarah said,today is what we have. Hang in there pal
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Focus on today. There are wise folks on here with amazing stories about struggle and success. This site is a great place for support and advice. Keep fighting. Prayers your way!
good job coming "back in" after only 3 months! many of us who "go back out" take much longer, and many never get back at all.
after years of being an out-of-control alcoholic, i had almost 10 years "sober" when i "discovered" opiates. for some reason it didn't occur to me (until it was way too late) that "can't handle alcohol" would probably equal "can't handle narcotics." so, with the joy of new-found love i began a 9 year affair with active addiction that would leave me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and literally bankrupt.
for a long time i beat myself up, thinking that my fall into addiction was the biggest of failures. but it wasn't too long after my second rehab (that one four months long) that i realized that a much sadder result, a bigger failure, would have been if i just kept going in the non-drinking phase that i called sobriety.
at the time i didn't know how right i was, but what i grasped, if only in part, was that my life in recovery was going to be completely different than my life of just not-drinking (or not-using). not just better, but completely different. a qualitative difference, not a just a quantitative difference.
when i started recovery all i wanted was to get out of trouble and to stop feeling like i was such a horrible person. i got much more. life in recovery give us much, much more.
so, today i am very grateful for my fall from grace, because it gave me pretty much everything that makes life special.
CATUF
3161
after years of being an out-of-control alcoholic, i had almost 10 years "sober" when i "discovered" opiates. for some reason it didn't occur to me (until it was way too late) that "can't handle alcohol" would probably equal "can't handle narcotics." so, with the joy of new-found love i began a 9 year affair with active addiction that would leave me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and literally bankrupt.
for a long time i beat myself up, thinking that my fall into addiction was the biggest of failures. but it wasn't too long after my second rehab (that one four months long) that i realized that a much sadder result, a bigger failure, would have been if i just kept going in the non-drinking phase that i called sobriety.
at the time i didn't know how right i was, but what i grasped, if only in part, was that my life in recovery was going to be completely different than my life of just not-drinking (or not-using). not just better, but completely different. a qualitative difference, not a just a quantitative difference.
when i started recovery all i wanted was to get out of trouble and to stop feeling like i was such a horrible person. i got much more. life in recovery give us much, much more.
so, today i am very grateful for my fall from grace, because it gave me pretty much everything that makes life special.
CATUF
3161
Life sure gets lifey sometimes doesn't it? I'm sorry for the loss of your father; I'm sure that was very difficult especially among the others trials going on in your life. I commend you for getting back on track as quickly as you did... choosing LIFE. Choosing YOU. Keep it up! You can do this. Remember the skills you used to regain your life before...
Meetings, meetings, meetings... you may actually be more vulnerable this time around. I want to encourage you to surround yourself with others who have been there done that! Who have walked this LONG HARD path successfully and can share their experience. You mentioned that your family and friends do not know... for this simple reason, I highly suggest finding a home group/meeting... may we NEVER forget we are addicts. May we stay on guard each day. One day at a time. Today, I didn't use. It's a good day.
No judgment here my friend!! I get it. We're here to support and love on each other. I hope you will keep coming back and share how you are doing. You can do it. Stay strong. Moment by moment... Prayers out for you.
Meetings, meetings, meetings... you may actually be more vulnerable this time around. I want to encourage you to surround yourself with others who have been there done that! Who have walked this LONG HARD path successfully and can share their experience. You mentioned that your family and friends do not know... for this simple reason, I highly suggest finding a home group/meeting... may we NEVER forget we are addicts. May we stay on guard each day. One day at a time. Today, I didn't use. It's a good day.
No judgment here my friend!! I get it. We're here to support and love on each other. I hope you will keep coming back and share how you are doing. You can do it. Stay strong. Moment by moment... Prayers out for you.
COMMUNITY LEADER
The important thing is you realized what you needed to do and you did it. It doesnt matter how many days or years any of us have, we are clean today and that is all we have........
Has happened to almost everyone of us including me bro so don't feel so guilty . I was just reading an article about how many people self medicate on opiates for anxiety and depression and most doctors are well aware of it . I did . Never took more then 30mg in a day but boy when it worked it worked well ! Well enough that UCLA asked me to join a study on that very phenomenon . Stay strong my friend ..Jimmy
But you got back up and changed it again. Congrats on the 3 days. And keep going. If you can go to some meetings for support. You stumbled. That is it. You still have your job and family and children. The bank account will be back. Stay very strong. We're here.
Dang!! Sorry to hear it but the great thing is your back in the saddle!! Something that is always said around here is KEEP YOUR GUARD UP!! Doesn't matter how long you have... We are all susceptible!
Thank you for posting!! It is a reality check! Addiction is serious business!
Thank you for posting!! It is a reality check! Addiction is serious business!
Hey -- the more experienced will be coming to your aid here -- but I just wanted to say that I know your upset about the relapse -- it hurts and it ***** to have to start over.. I've been there as many, many, many others have been as well.. It happens it's part of the disease.. Now for the GOOD news, YOUR BACK ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY!!!! Many people don't make it back and YOU did, and should be PROUD of that!!! For now just focus on getting through the WDs, and start thinking about what you will do differently this time to stay clean, and in a few days you can put the plan into action!! Keep posting and TRY to stay as positive as possible... MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU!!!! Keep posting...
COMMUNITY LEADER
Thanks for sharing that. From what i keep hearing, it an happen with any length of sobriety??? Whih ***** cause 5 yrs is alot of sobriety! I only have 31 days as of today fro opiates and subs. Think of this though, you had the knowledge to see it was effecting u pretty quickly and u got back on the wagon. Good job! I am finding that "surrendering" is hard for me. Go back to the meetings! Good luck and keep clean!
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