Well, I just coulndt take it and re-started.

[Dezdon]

HI,
I dont know if you have been following my post in the recent past. I am a Oxy, vic, abuser. Or at least I was.(Maybe, I'll explain more on this). I have been abusing my oxy and vics for awhile and most worst recently. I have been on pain meds since 2001 since I had bacterial meninigitis and sepis. They had too amputated all my toes and took half my left foot. They didnt just whack the end of the left foot off. they gutted it, and rebuildt the insides with muscle from my stomach and skin from the top of my thiegh. It gave me a platform to walk on, but with great pain.
  
   I decided i need to do something about the abuse and looked here. I found some awsome people and great feedback. I first tried a cold turkey becuase I ran out of meds and it was only for a day and half and thought I would die. The w/d were tremeddouse! My med re-up arrived the following day. So, I decided to use these meds to try a taper off. i had 5 mg oxy, the fast acting kind. I tapered over seven days, and cheated on occation. When i ran out friday , the w/d were still there but not near as bad. I still had the muscle twisting in my back I complained about, but nowhere near as bad. I did lose lots of sleep saturday night and took lyrica to help. It did ok, maybe. I can take the runs and RLS  etc ok, its the muscle twisting in my arms and back that are horrible to deal with.
  Well, I felt like royal **** saturday and sunday and today. very fatigued, no energy.

I wanted to try and quit to see what my true pain levels were like off pain meds. And they were very high. I couldnt walk suday, I just laid in bed suffering. It was a burning throbing pain. This is with no pain meds in 3 and half days. So, this tells me, my pain levels are still pretty damn significant. They have to be managed.

  I know its said in the board that your pain may me actualy less after getting off the drugs. but I couldnt wait that long. i was truely suffereing.

My plan: now that i am back to ground zero on pain pill intake, i will start again and use only at the recomended dose. if it doesnt work, I will contact my doctor and do the RIGHT thing. I wont just eat them like skittles for the buzz. I now know what a w/d feels like and trust me, i never want to go back there again.

   I still have the drug addcit mentaly today though. i proved that to myself. I was due today to recive my meds again by Fed Ex. If I had a sucessful outcome on the pain, I had planned to just refuse the shipment when it arrived. Well, Fed Ex didnt show on time and I was right on the phone with them. They told me the driver reported the street sign missing and didnt deliver. i freaked out! The street sign was there, i walked out and checked.I told them these were critical phamasuticals and to get them to me today. They called me back and said the driver was too far away and it would have to be tomorow to recieve them. i told them i was in renal failure and these meds were criticle. Man, thats messed up for me to say. Anyone who is out there with that condition, i do apologise to you. I couldnt take another night with the pain. It was that bad.

  You know, im not saying this struggle is over. If I can just find it in my willpower to use only as directed, and the meds work properly. i will be ok. But I am an addict, and i know this. I may get tired of this **** and return to trying to get clean. This attempt i think was more for trying to asess my true pain levels after all these years. Sure getting clean would have been great too. And I think deep down, thats what I had truely hoped for. And i may post for encouragement on trying to stay on the recomended dose. I know this board is all about getting clean and sober, but its also about stopping abuse.

  And i cant thank the people enough on this board for the positive feedback and getting me to the point of even trying to quit. Good luck to you all and Thanks So much.
-Dez

[worried878]

i feel that you have to do what you have to do...being a chronic pain patient myself..in fact just discussing it in a pm with another member...we are all different...when the use of pain meds caused me more mental pain than physical relief, then i started thinking about quitting...and i still suffer....and i think about it and maybe i should take something long term for pain so i can work and be comfortable but the fact is that there is a reason i quit....i was miserable...and my tolerence was getting so out of hand that my life would be centered around trying to keep up with my tolerence/getting enuf pills...worrying...stressing which makes my pain worse.....i guess i decided i was not ready to lose myself just yet,,it is a decision that a chronic pain patient has to weigh out..and everyone is different

[Coolio Hernendez]

You like everyone get into the habbit of rewarding ourselves all the time now that we have the med's....Sometimes we need to remeber what life was like before them...Some days were good some were bad.... Now it seems we have to try to make everyday good with the ill's....

Another thing...maybe i'm wrong..but it seems that the people i know that have the worst pain pill problems call them " My meds" or " My conditon "....It's like they convince themselves that they are owed to them or that they have to have them....

I know that sounds crazy but it's something i've noticed...ME , ME , ME....MINE, MINE, MINE

[beentrying2quit]

I'm in the same boat you are....want to be off pain meds but actually need them.  The trick is to recognize the fine line between abuse and use....there is a difference.  THat difference is subject to interpretation.  

We would be lying to ourselves if we said we did not enjoy the "high" to some degree.  I do but anticipate the pain relief even more.  The problem is the pain meds only work so long then it's right back to where we started.

I've been on pain meds for 4 years now.  When I first started I was at one 10/500 lortab, then went to two tabs, then three, then went to a fentanyl patch.  The fentanyl patch was the worst decision I have ever made.  I quit cold turkey and it was the worst time in my life.  I'm now dealing with digestive issues and need the pain meds just to cope with everyday life.

My point is...if you truley need the pain meds there is nothing wrong with that.  With continued use we ALL will get addicted.  I wish all I had was a drug addiction to deal with.  Stay strong and true to yourself.

[sparkie825]

I might get shot for saying this, but if the pain is unmanageable, then stay on the pain killers. You need someone to hold the pills for you who can hide them and administer them to you on a daily basis.  Next time, be honest with FedEx (family, friends, etc.) and say you have debilitating pain and that it is critical you get your pills today.  Also talk to your doc about switching to other non-addicting meds and tapering off the oxy.  Again, you will need someone to administer to you.  If you can do that, then you will be ok.  If you take opiates for pain, you are not a bad person or below anyone else.  Give yourself a break.  This time promise yourself you will be better with the pills (and give them to someone else).

[enemy48]

Sorry to hear about your struggle w/pain.  Some of us have way more than others.

I'm writing because I have to say something and I hope this doesn't upset you.

You haven't given it enough time. 3 1/2 days without pain medication isn't long enough for you to determine your level.

It is true that you hurt more while on meds than off.  But you have to give yourself at least 3 weeks.  Body pain, especially in the target areas are all a part of the withdrawal.  Just because the drug may be out of your body doesn't mean that you're not still withdrawing.

I remember to this day (7 months later) my greatest pain ever was on days 7 & 8 and then again on 16 & 17.  It was so unbearable, that if I would have had pills, I would have taken them.  But I isolated myself from everyone and everyplace in order to become clean.

I had been told that pain is worse on pills by nurses that I worked with, and by my ex husband who has been clean for 1 1/2 years.  During detox, I didn't believe that.  But sure enough, after time, it goes away.  I still suffer a lot, but not enough for OTC meds not to help.  

Maybe this situation wouldn't be true in your case.  But isn't it worth a try?