Well....Relapse

[wannawean]

currently totally anxious...had over a month clean, my DOC was ultram a lot of ultram. It's difficult when ur an addict and you have pain...I had an out pt procedure at the hospital last week. I have pelvic pain which can be bad and is relieved by taking a narcotic, no luck w/ otc's ibuprofen ect...but more than pain relief I want that high, love it, then hate it. Feel so ashamed...I am incapable of taking pain meds responsibly...The last 3 weeks I have taken opana and a few ultram. I searched every closet, old purse, drawers ect, Nothing like a little desperation. I now have nothing except a RX for ultram that I refuse to fill....So tomorrow I start over, scared and desperate, defeated once again, a ride i fear i will NEVER be able to exit. The BEAST is alive in me. Help me please...

[ImDONENoMore]

You're already talking yourself into keeping that script and taking the ultram.  Come on you know what you need to do - get the script cancelled - whether it's a refill or not, the Dr.'s office can call your pharmacy and have them remove the script.  Otherwise you're going to be here in another week starting this whole process all over again.  And you know you don't want that.

Good luck to you and keep posting.  It will help get you through that first week and then some.

[LeaAnn807]

The neurontin will help you some.  Just try to hang in there and not fill that script!  You know where it leads!  At some point you have to bite the bullet. Imodium helps alot.  Gatorade and apple juice helped me with my legs.  And a massive amount of baths!  I had depression coming off tramadol, so had to go on an AD.  I think that happens to lots of people!  I sure hate to hear you're going through this again!  Hang in there!!!

[wannawean]

Bama u made me laugh!!! I soo needed that. My rx I have is a refill. I fought not 2 fill it 2day, small pharmacy closed 2morrow... My docs office was supposed 2 have called in my refill for neurontin so I wasn't too stressed, I take it for carpal tunnel but this last ct from tram was a lot easier bc of the neurontin. Well either it was called 2 wrong pharm or not @ all... I have an important course @ the hospital mon am. So... I have 6 ultram 2 get thru 2morrow and the course then I'm hoping 2 tough it out w the help of neurontin from there... Tired of always needing something... I wonder if this lifestyle will ever end. I almost feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. Ultram wd sux and I was clean for over a month. Now I get 2 do it all over again. No one knows... Hubbies over it... I Wld b too. Scared and lonely and all of this is sooo shameful n painful. Thx again 4 everyone's kind wds of support.

[lulu747]

Wanna,

Hi darlin', I'm sorry you are struggling with this, I hear your pain and frustration.  Please don't expend energy beating yourself up...This is part of your journey.  It is human to want to make pain stop.  Are you doing any counselling or therapy?  Are you taking A/d's or still the St. John's Wort?  For me, it's been finding the connection between my emotions and my pain response.  They are intrinsically entwined.  When I work through my emotional pain my physical pain subsides.  It's still there, but it's livable.  This has been a revelation for me.  You know you need to get rid of that script.  You gotta dig deep and believe that you are worth it, that your life is worth it.  You can stop this cycle and start a new one, it takes a lot of practice as Bamma said.  You are NOT hopeless, this is NOT defeat, and you CAN get off this ride.  

Sending support...
Lu

[IwillDoThis]

Bama - you made me choke on my soda as I read your post about having perfect aim - in your mouth - that is CLASSIC.  I love a sense of humor!  Thanks for the laugh

[bama88]

Hey wannawean. i too recently relapsed too. its so common. i think every recovering addict relapses at some point in early recovery if someone tells you they never ever relapsed they are either living a lie. or in such deep denial. so please please don't he ashamed. we've all done it. or will do it. some of us relapse two there four five times before we get it right. practice makes perfect..right??

And look at your courage and bravery coming forward and admitting what happened. im proud of you for that.

And look how you can now recognize your problem. that's progress. so yes you are making headway. sometimes recovery is three steps forward five ones backwards. you'll balance out.

And we've all searched our house. i used to shake mine upside down lol. i stopped doing that. too stressful and messy. i never ever found a lost pill...i had a perfect aim...in my mouth lol.

i think the worst part of relapsing is when we detox we tend to promise ourselves "ill never use again". and that's too tall of an order. unrealistic goal setting. yet i did it. i swore id never go back ....and it took some type of courage for me to post about my relapse. felt like a loser. i felt so ashamed. but guess what?? i got back in the saddle again. and so can you. and if my horse starts to buck im calling mark to break that philly lol...

So here's my hand outreached to you. im here to help you up ok??

Wouldn't you help me up if i fell down??

And get rid of that script. it will call you tempt you and burn a hole in your pocket....hugs bama.

[IwillDoThis]

Don't beat yourself up - it happens and you just gotta move ahead.  Defeat is to stop trying and give up and you are not doing that so chin up and get right back up, dust yourself off and start again.

You are right - it IS so hard to stay away from pills when you are in pain and it stinks, I deal with it as my pain ebbs and flows.  I don't have the answers but I share your frustration and I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Hang in there and treat yourself with care!

[LeaAnn807]

Good to hear you wanna stop.  If you do, TEAR UP THAT SCRIPT!  Why keep it?  It will only scream your name while you try to detox!  You can do this!!!  

[staticage]

Glad you posted,thats a first step..even if it isnt your first time,,I realize we are all in this together..Just get your mind relaxed and get this started again..Good advice above post...good luck.

[n8tiv_ndn]

Hey wanna.....First let me say don't admit defeat just because you slipped....I understand pain isssues, maybe not your specific one....but...I have many  chronic pain issues as well...I recently "fell off my horse again"....but I did get back up IMMEDIATELY and dust myself off and got back on that sucker...I have broken more than one horse in my life as we as Oglala Lakota are horse people by nature.....every year my people have a 100 mile horse race on our rez in Pine Ridge South Dakota.......this battle we face as addicts is indeed a hundred mile race not a quarter miler....gather your strength and win the race!!!!  Hoka Hey!!!....peace....

pilamaya kola mitakuye oyasin,

n8tiv_ndn