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Avatar universal

What ***** is...

If I would've quit when I posted last, and said I was quitting.  I'd be on day 5 now.  But I didn't and now I'm on day one for sure and the emotional floodgates have open.  I walk in my sons room ("stomach virus today")and look at his room,  his older dresser and instantly feel like a horrible mother for not getting around to replacing/refinishing it and cry.Stupid! Good news is my mom is on board and really sees we have an issue here, she feels horrible but I tell her that I'm grown and she's not to blame. Its f$&$ed up. I'm mad at myself because there are people who are in PAIN because they want to be free of the addiction. And I do it for an escape from my life that is pretty damn easy to start with. Something has happened at work that I NEED to be there and I've worked through WD before but it's different this time. The dosage was a good bit higher. I can barely imagine life without this crutch. Can I be happy normal?! There's gotta be a way. I just gotta find my way back to me. Thanks for listening again...
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8976007 tn?1413330650
you know what you have that A LOT of people don't???   mad love for your child.  i know people say you cannot do it for other people, but i honestly believe when you are a parent you CAN do it for other people AND yourself.
i always remind myself that I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY KID'S CHILDHOOD.  i had a horrible one and my life will never be easy because of it, but if you keep reminding yourself that you will be responsible for your little one's memories, all of them, then it can sure help steer you in the right direction.  
you slipped, but it doesn't mean you failed.  get right back to what you know is right.  
as said above: there is no perfect parent so do not expect perfection.
you don't want your child growing up saying my mom was an addict my whole life so it is ok for me to do it too.  
you still have time to make sure that doesn't happen.  
many of us on here would give anything to turn back time and cherish the time with our kids that we spent using.  remind yourself that you still have time.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Wow, thanks guys again for making me feel better. I never EVER EVER want to feel like this again.  And Lu thanks for sharing you life novel. I appreciate it. Bless your heart. You are awesome.
Helpful - 0
1926359 tn?1331588139
Hey there-
You put out the APB and you are about to find her.  A break in the case is gonna happen this week *SPOILER ALERT*.  Hahahaha!  Sorry, I've been watching The Killing which is an awesome detective show and I could not resist the play on your name (which is fab BTW).  In any case, I hope it made you smile.

You my dear, have A LOT of work in front of you because of your long history with addiction and the addiction being strong in your family.  You are going to have to work hard in recovery to change ways of thinking and modes of behaviour.  But not right now.  Right now you just need to focus on one tiny thing at a time.
So It's day one?  Do you work weekends or are you off this weekend?  I am praying for the latter because I think you need and deserve a few days of TOTAL SURRENDER to this detox process.  I've done two detoxes in my life.
The first one I did was because my doctor could no longer find a reason for my crippling pain.  It had been attributed to my Crohn's Disease and once my Crohn's went into remission and I was STILL in terrible pain he thought it was all in my head.  He sent me to a psychiatrist who actually wrote in my chart "The patient claims she is is debilitating pain yet appears very well put together, hair and make up impeccable and is extremely articulate.  Possible borderline personality disorder or drug seeker."
I didn't know this at the time.  In any case, I took my doctors word that there was nothing wrong with me.  I'd looked up long term opiate use (at this point I was 3 years on opiates) and read about hyperalgesia.  Thinking this is what I had, and horrified that my doctor thought I was drug seeking, I decided all on my own to go cold turkey.  Not just off opiates but also benzos, sleeping pills, and gabapentin.
Lemme tell you I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE!  Actually, I almost did.
Finally my mom called my doctor (he'd been my family doc since I was 8) and told him what I'd done.  He came to our house and made me go back on a low dose of benzo.  I was okay after that.
Unfortunately, I didn't have hyperalgesia.  I lived for 3 months after that cold turkey in debilitating pain.  I only got out of bed to go to the pain clinic once a week and get physiotherapy and counselling and lidocaine injections (which did nada)  It was the pain psychologist who assessed me and shared what had been written in my chart by the psych doctor.  She was very upset at this as she worked with me she could tell that I was in horrific pain, obviously not drug seeking as I went CT completely on my own, and was still refusing the drugs that the Pain clinic suggested.  She referred me to a pain doctor who took my medical history and told me I reminded him of someone very close to him.  His wife.  He asked if it was okay if she called me and I was a little taken aback but said sure.  She called and told me her story which was SO much like mine it was crazy.  She'd ended up being diagnosed with severe endometriosis (the pain is very similar to Crohn's and so are many of the symptoms)  I received a referral to the Endometriosis and Pelvic Pain clinic in the city close to me.  It was there that I was definitively diagnosed with severe Stage 4 endo via lap surgery.  It took 2 surgeries and three years and a whole wack load of more opiates before I was fixed.
Unfortunately for me during this time I started dating, and then married a very bad man.  He was an alcoholic and coke head and soon after we were married he began to abuse me, first verbally, and then sexually.  POST OP FROM PELVIC RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY.
So, I began to abuse my meds.  I needed something to numb the emotional pain I was feeling and they were at my disposal.  Because of the complex nature of my surgery I was on MASSIVE doses of Fentanyl, oxy, and hydromorphone.  I nearly died from taking too many. Twice.
My wake up call came when I developed walking pneumonia and my husband came home at 5 am demanding sex and I refused him.  He told me he never intended to have a baby with me.  Ever.  That I could barely take care of him or myself so how could I take care of a baby?
I locked myself in the guest room and waited until he passed out.  Then I called my dad to come get me, packed a small bag, took my dog, and left.
He didn't even call me for 4 days.
I never went back.
I started to taper off the meds and began counseling through the women's shelter.
I realized I was numbing not just physical pain but emotional pain as well and so I realized I needed to get clean and clear so I could heal my heart.
When I got to what I thought was a comfortable jumping point of 140 mg of oxy and hydro I jumped.
Surrendered completely.  Found this website.  It was my life line.  I spent every day and night on here getting to know the beautiful members and getting support.  I got to a point where I could give support too.
Once I could get out of bed I went at recovery 150%.  I did addictions counseling, CBT, EMDR for PTSD, and SMART RECOVERY.  I did try a few NA meetings but they weren't for me.  I didn't feel safe around men and there were no women only meetings in my area.  SMART was perfect for me.  I worked super duper hard in therapy for over a year and still go from time to time.
I was almost pain free for 3 years.
I rebuilt my life, opened my own business, bought a lovely home, and fell inlove for reals with a lovely lovely man.
Then my endo came back worse than ever and so here I am again, taking drugs and waiting for surgery.  But I'm still doing the work.  I have to.
Recovery is a life long journey that never ends.
I've realized how many f-ed up ways of thinking I've held since child hood.
I've realized that I think I have to be perfect to be worthy of love.
I've realized that I see illness and pain in myself as weakness. (Nobody else, just me)
It's hard,  tremendously hard.  BUT IT IS SO WORTH IT>
I'm not sure why I just wrote you the novel of my life.
I just felt like I had to.
I hope it resonates with you in some way.
I guess my main point is, when I quit those drugs my life felt like such a shambles and I didn't think I would be able to put it back together again.
That couldn't be further from the truth.  Once the drugs were out of my system my life came together very quickly.  Because I did the work.
We must always do the work.
That is how we find our true authentic selves.
Yours is out there.  You've put out the APB.
I can't wait to see the woman you find.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
Lu
Helpful - 0
9880688 tn?1414115647
You will be happy again...I'm not quite there myself after 20 days...but I'm starting to smile more and be more interested in outside activities.  From what I understand it can take up to 60 days for our brain to reprogram itself...someone will correct me if I'm wrong on that amount of time.  So right now I'm just counting days because I know, from what all the successful people have told me, that good days are coming up.  I can't wait for great days!!!
Helpful - 0
6063300 tn?1430430571
It will get better I promise! I am 357 days from when I quit then had a horse accident and am now 6 days from that! Life is so much better clean and sober and when you think normal again! Look up the Thomas Recipe that really helped me. Drink lots of fluid and make sure you eat! Keep posting and vent when you need to on here! It really does help!
Helpful - 0
7163794 tn?1457366813
COMMUNITY LEADER
LOL....most of my comments include this ***** that the monitors put in place of my curse words!  No biggie, but the do monitor the language!
You know what, you slipped, we all have done it, it happens!  The trick is to NOT stay there.  Don't let things that you haven't accomplished hold you in this pattern.  You can start being the mother you want to be by starting over again with getting clean.  If this helps so that you know you are NOT alone:
I just dropped my 16 yr old off for his first actual driving lesson today at 10 a.m.  He took the actual "class" in Nov, 2013!  It took me that long to schedule the actual driving part.  I quit c/t on Jan 1st 2014 and w/d took me like 30 days ( I was on something different so don't worry about that #)  and another 60 days before I could actually face anyone!  My son (youngest) knew exactly what I was doing and was VERY proud of me when I quit!  But the point to that was it's almost been a year!  
JUNE CLEAVER IS DEAD!!! The perfect mom doesn't exsist!  The best we can do is all we can do, but we're not really doing our best when we're using are we?  
You need to pick your butt back up and start over!  Today is day 1....let's go from here.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Why can't you say sux on here? Lol
Helpful - 0
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