What a Fool I am

Well,  I have to admit,  that most of you were correct in calling me an enabler....after 15 days of hell and then believing that my daughter was doing great,    she just tested positive for oxy,    the first random test she failed.   I was a fool,  and I am sure sounded like merry sunshine to you, and you knew I was being the fool.     I  have ask/told her to leave our home  and have to admit that I have done all that I could,  in every possible way, to help her get well and off the oxy.    I am so sorry for all of my polly anna posts,  that you can help your kid if you try hard enough. I apologize for my ignorance.  I am way done........in so many ways,  I am so done.   Any one that reads this, trying to help someone, doesn't make you a bad person, and may help.....just be careful and please take care of yourself as you walk that fine line of helping and enabling.  When you fall off that line,  it breaks your heart one more time.

[confused456]

I am so sorry and I was not around due to my Grandmothers death but I truly am sorry and I hope things work out. You are NOT ignorant in my book for wanting the best that life has to offer for your child, if that is the case, I am ignorant too. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts!! Wishing you all the best.

[newmanagment]

so sorry to hear about your situation, but tryin to help makes you a parent!! it is a fine line between help and enabling, and i think that you are well aware of that now. to help us , you have to let us fall all the way. then when we decide it is time to change our situations, we may actually need and respect the help offered to us. but dont beat yourself up, as your daughter is your own flesh and blood, and please dont give up on her. im not saying enable her in ne way, but when she does hit her rock bottom , let her know that you will be there to help once she decides enough is enough.  by helping  i mean getting her to rehab, meetings, job training or interviews, etc... not by lettin her move in and start spending your money. good luck, n dont beat yourself up, no one here wants to see your daughter going where we have been......

[whenwillitstop]

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Jacqui805]

What can I do to help?  

[LateAugust]

How very kind of you to offer,  I was just sweeping  (for drugs) my daughters room one more time and left my pc on,  but there is nothing that you can do  or I could do  or our family could do....I am just so tired,  my good bye to this website   and   best of luck to you sweetie.  Thanks again!

[Jacqui805]

My best thoughts are with you, wishing you strength, and wisdom.  I wish I could help in some way, but can only offer you my support.  If you should ever need or want it, I've got a shoulder to lean on, and an ear to bend...go for it.  

[cathy5841]

llarado, you dont have to leave our sit.  there is lots of support for you here dtill.  i totally understand where you are right now.  i am in the same boat.  and you always ask yourself what could i have done....the answer is nothing.  we have done all we can do.  now it is up to them.  i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and pm me anytime you are down and want to chat.  it helps to talk to others in your shoes, and i am
cathy

[SableZen]

This isn't the end of the story. Just the end of a chapter.

People can and do break free from addiction and make amends to the people they hurt along the way. I'll pray this is the case with your daughter sooner rather than later.

[newmanagment]

" the end fo the chapter" -AMEN   well said

[10356]

I'm so sorry for the the disappointment you feel about your daughters dirty test, but I really hope you do not leave the Forum over it. There will be a day that she will come back to you looking for help, and if you stay you will have gained the knowledge to help her to get clean,
Besides that you have a unique knowledge of addiction thru a window that could help so many others in your position. I hope you decide to stay as you will be an asset to this Forum, to people in your same position...yours truly Lesa

[LIZZIE LOU]

my heart is breaking for you,,,as my heart has been broken soooo many times that i dont know how it has continued to heal.  but it does :)

i came to this site over a year ago, searching for answers as to "why" my three sons were addicts...why they couldnt just stop...how the mind of an addict works.  this site has taught me more about addiction than all of the therapy, books and treatment combined.  if you will continue to read (and post)...i think it will help you better understand why your daughter does what she does...why she will be successful and why she will fail.  all of these steps...the successes and the failures...are part of recovery...her journey to a hopefully drug free life.

it is OK to be p*ssed...disappointed...and frustrated.  it is OK to scream and shout!  there has been many a times that i have felt these same feelings and the only place i had to scream my frustration was this forum.  i cant count the number of times i have posted about "how much i hate my son"...when in reality...it was my LOVE for him that brought me here in the first place...and i knew that the members here knew this fact and understood how i felt.  we too...the ppl that are affected by our loved one's addiction...need emotional support too.  we cannot keep all these feelings bottled up inside of us.  

i will close in saying two small words that carry a load of meaning..."i understand" ! ! !

[Friend999]

You are not, and never were, a fool.  You are, and will always be, a mother who loves her daughter.  You did the "tough love", which many knowledgeable people have suggested on this site, but your prior attempts, I just have to believe, are someplace embedded in your daughter's mind and heart.  There is always "hope".  

I, too, have "hope" in regard to a friend of mine.  I have to wait now, as you do.  Waiting is trying on the soul, but there are some things one can do while waiting.  I have promised myself I will be the most knowledgeable non-addict I can be so that I might be the best friend possible if called upon.  I have promised myself that I will save money, that she can receive the best possible care when she is "ready". I pray nightly, for her, and everone on this forum (I will now include your daughter). I keep in contact with her, to remind her that "I will be there for her" if she makes the decision to get clean.

Llardro, keeping your grief on the surface by doing these things instead of getting on with your life might not be recommended by some, but you will probably always have her in the forefront of your mind daily anyway.  

My heart goes out to you!  Please battle the grief, hang onto hope, and perhaps do some things that might help in the future, so that together, you and your daughter, can beat the **** out of those demon pills.

friend999

[Friend999]

Llardro,

You made a comment on another post as follows:

".....I need them now more than ever,  but I am embarassed and afraid to tell them the truth of how much they mean to me."

Please don't feel embarrased about telling your friends how much they mean to you, especially if you need them now more than ever.  llardro, maybe, maybe your embarrassment is being misread by them, as if you were pushing them away.  I am suggesting you talk with just one of them, alone.  Tell him/her how you feel and I would bet the results will be so gratifying!  If I'm right, go for it with another friend, and another.

True friends will listen, and understand.

My best,

friend999

[random288]

So sorry for all you have had to go through, but I am so proud of you for taking a stand.  I haven't been on in a bit so I didn't see the beginning of your story but I sure know it's not easy, and I'm sure it's even harder when it's your child.  I enabled my ex -fiance for 2 years as a heroin addict and finally got the courage to break it off, last month with a lot of help from this website, we were supposed to get married in June.  I don't and have never done drugs so this was all really foreign to me and this website has really helped with all of that, and I too was lied to over and over again and am still being lied too.  His parents have been enabling him since he was in high school 1st with alcohol and pot and then in college when he started becoming addicted to oxy's and then eventually heroin in 2003, they are still enabling him now and although it was hard for me to kick him out and send him back to them knowing they are enablers...I'm so glad I did, it was running my life and eventually would have ruined it.  I wish his parents would stop but I don't think they are strong enough, his Dad is an addict alcohol and pain pills so it is really what they are used to.  they don't talk to me anymore because I think they want to blame me for leaving their son, but sometimes the best thing to do isn't always the easiest and sometimes when you really truly love someone you do have to let them go.  I have learned so much from this whole experience and from the people on this website I encourage you to continue to write in.  I have had so many questions and people have been so open with me, it has been amazing!  GOOD LUCK AND STAY STRONG.

[CadillacJack]

Sounds like you've done every thing you possibly could do. You can't make her want to quit, and until for her.  that happens, sadly nothing can help. She has to quit. Nobody can do that for her. All any person can do is try to help. In that sense, you've gone well above & beyond.

[swtbreezie]

Hi  Llardro,
I am sorry I wasn't here!  I am sorry for you and your daughter.  BUT. you are angry I understand that, it's a human reaction.  But NO you aren't through yet, she still needs you.  This is an addiction, and yes you may have enabled her, but never give up on her.  I did and mine wound up dead, please don't let this happen to you.  I wish to God I could go back in time and see that she needed more than my help.  And know what?, I'd rather have her back than anything in this world but I can't, drugs and all, because NOW, after it is too late I KNOW I could help her no matter what it took.    If I can help in anyway please let me know.  Stay tough, but never give up,  I have no idea how old she is, but mine was grown and thought she had the world by the tail, she didn't want to die it just happened.  And for the longest, I was soooooo angry at God and wanted to give him a black eye when I got to heaven.  BUT, since I got off lorcet, began to grieve as I should and put the past where it belongs I know it wasn't God who took her she took herself and was crying out for help.  And I feel so guilty for not seeing this beyond my grief after just losing my husband.  I should have really looked at her then.  But, I look at her photos NOW and see what I didn't see then.  But it's too late I can't HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG her and tell her I love her so much that I don't want her to die from the drugs.  I think just that and maybe an intervention from all the ones who loved her would have helped me keep my babygirl.  Keep trying don't give up, keep your babygirl alive, you can do it, she is worth it, and if you don't you, like me will never forgive yourself if something happens to her.
God Bless You and Her
swtbreezie

[Friend999]

To Swtbreezie - Wow, and well said.  There is always hope, and things to do without enabling.

Llardro -  You posted last night, and maybe had to go to work today.  I hope you are feeling just a little bit better today.  So many are trying to help.  Please read their words, feel their hearts, and maybe it will help.  Please post back with your thoughts.  You are not a fool, you did the right thing, but there is more to do.

Just a thought, but how about a "smidgeon" of enabling in trade for her reading an hour on this website, under your supervision?  I don't know, say for $30, which she probably needs. I believe in this site, can you tell? Just a thought, everyone.  Please don't come down hard on me.  Just trying to be inventive.

Friend999

[fedup4now]

Addicts are addicts - we lie to maintain our addiction - and the people in our lives get hurt.  I adore my family, and would do anything for them - but when the addiction takes over there is nothing else - family takes a back seat - it is a selfish disease.

And you are a mom - who was full of hope, and did what she thought was needed to help your daughter, she needs you, and your love - but you have to be patient, sometimes it is a roller coaster ride until the right decision is made - but don't give up - it can still happen - I'm sure there are many who would give anything for a mom who cared as you did.
You may want to try an al-anon meeting, or speaking with an addictions counsellor - to help you set boundaries, and make decisions that will help, not enable.
It is important that you take care of yourself also, if you get caught up in this rollercoaster - then there will be no one thinking straight - she needs you healthy and strong.
My thoughts are with you
Hang in there

[LateAugust]

Oh, Sweetbrezie there are no words that can truly say how sorry I am.  Our oldest daughter died of cancer, she was so healthy and the illness was such a shock,  I know what it feels like to bury a child, and the hole in your heart that will never heal.   To now watch a daughter trying to kill herself by her own hand, I can't comprehend.  
   We had an intervention 1 1/2 yrs ago for her meth use.    I thought she was still clean, in reality she was for 6 months and then progressed to oxy. When I found out about the oxy, I went into my usual   "I will not lose my baby to drugs" mode.     She has a councelor and   a psychiatrist as she  refuses to go the rehab route again. We (her family) have been going to NA mtgs with her, until she gets/got stronger.   After watching the hell she went thru for the past two weeks of withdrawal,   and then as soon as she is feeling well, she uses.  I just dont get it.  The first time she was out of the house a lone  and when she got back I drug tested and she was negative.  She was pround,  she called her dad, her aunt to share the good news...I don't understand.   I have attended the al-anon mtgs.  and have met with my daughter's councelor, with her.  The councelor told her he had no idea of why I continued to help her unconditionally,  and recommended that I set boundries at that time.  I told her then  and have reiterated that the next time she lied to me, the next time she used, she was not going to stay at home.    ALL of this is so confusing,  I have been told I will love her " to death" ,   I am an enabler, she  has to do it for herself and I am doing more harm than good,  let her hit rock bottom......and conversely told to keep doing what I am doing,  don't let her leave, do what ever I can at all times to minimize her use,  keep her close to me at all times,  do whatever it takes to help her stop the addiction.   I am weary  and I am so confused   and yes I think I need help,  I made an appt with my doc for tomorrow because I feel like I am losing it.

I sincerely thank all of your for your words of encouragement, you time, your insight and being there for me........it is just too confusing, I wish I knew the magic answer,  I thought I did  and I was wrong.    I have wanted to call her a hundred times today and ask her to come home after work......but I don't know if she even went to work.  THis sounds like a pity party,  which is so totally not my nature, I am always so strong,  but not now.  I am sorry.   And thank you again very much for everyting.

[10356]

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, take the time you need for yourself for without you there is nothing. Please take care and I wish you all the best. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

[corey411]

So sorry for your situation. I know how you feel as I went through it with my son and it is sooo tough. There is a thin line between helping and enabeling. I was so frustrated bc I love my son to death....did then also and all of the pain and dissapointment in wanting to believe his lies but always knowing deep down he was using. We can be as much in denial as them. Some of the things that I realized that really helped me was understanding the disease and that they are unable to stop even when they want to. Addiction becomes stronger than them. Also lying is part of the disease. My son lied about things that had no purpose or benefit. He now tells me that it had something to do with a feeling of control as even though your daughter may not say so or realize it conciously. deep down she is aware of her losing control. It's OK to get angry with her over her using but you should also ALWAYS let her know how much you love her. Let her know that you don't believe her when you feel she is lying. My son used to get really angry on this one but the bull$@#! got so deep that I would just tell him not to finish telling me about the meeting he went to...I didn't believe he was going anymore. At first I felt guilty...like what if he's telling the truth but you will know in your gut. I was on the money everytime. I continued a relationship with my son and picked him up once a week and took him to a restaraunt and brought his 2 children.I bought him a meal but no more...no rent money when he was getting thrown out, no food money. I let him know that I would be by his side and support him with anything that was related to recovery. I know how this makes you feel like a bad parent but it is the greatest love of all to stand strong bc you know it is best. You are also in pain as this is your child. My prayers go out to you. PM me anytime you need support. I could never talk to anyone when my son was activly addicted bc people who this is not happening to don't understand addiction.

[ladyboop]

I know as a mom how hard it is when you can not help your child. I have a daughter. and I also went through some stuff with her. Not drugs. but all the same. she wanted nothing to do with my help. unless she needed something. That was the only time I heard from her.. I also had to do the tuff love thing.. I even took her car!! Thought that was going to kill me. She hated me... The short of it.. It has taken 6 mo's. but she is coming around calling. Guess she is growing up... I think your daughter will too...

Good luck, know we are here for you......