God I feel ya'lls desperation and pain, mentally, physically, and emotionally! I have 8 years clean after being totally addicted to pain killers. I was given hydrocodone for strep throat and boy did I like the way it made me feel! After 4 years, I had built such a high tolerance, I had a 50/day pill obsession and almost lost my children, husband, and myself! A friend of mine tried to help and sent me to a doctor who specialized in narcotic addiction. The first appointment I told him I loved the way the pills made me feel and to be honest, I did not want to give them up because they numbed me from past trauma and abuse and they gave me energy...so I believed! Anyway, the Dr put me on the highest dose of Suboxone and it was a miracle that I had no more withdrawals or even cravings! I actually went to college and got degrees! I thought this was the best thing that ever happened to me because I wasn't on the pills anymore! I was not told anything about getting off of this medication, but I started researching it and I am horrified to get off of this medication! I had no idea the withdraws would be worse than the hydro/perco/oxy/etc! It's 8 years later and I'm still on this crap! No I'm not taking 50 pills a day, but I'm technically still addicted and totally dependant on meds! To be honest, I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing because I do have my life back and I work, raise my kids, etc. BUT....I start worrying about...what if something bad happens and I can't get my suboxone! I still haven't worked through my past trauma, abuse, etc. and since my mom and grandma have passed away, I've started having panic attacks, but I can't take any meds for anxiety because my doctor won't give me anything. Everyone praises me for being off the pills for 8 years and it makes me feel bad because I've basically just transfered my addiction to something else. I don't even know why I started writing all of this in the first place. I am new to this and started reading questions and comments and here I am! I'm sorry for rambling, I'm just confused and scared.