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Avatar universal

What can I do

I am 34 yrs old and I'm trying so hard to get off of these pills and I can't. Once I go through withdrawl I do anything and everything to find some money to get some. I got hooked on them only 4 years ago after my parents passed.  I was hooked for a year and a half and went to jail in 2011 for 9 months and the withdrawls was the worst but I was only on about 50mg perks a day. After I came home after a week my back went out and I relapsed on a 15mg perk and after I took that one I was dozing off like crazy. Guess brought  back the feeling and it's been over a year now and I'm up to taking over a 100-150mg a day. I came home and was living good right away. Everything seemed to fall in place now I lost my home and my fiancé and almost everything else. I have a 3 yr old I take care of every other week and I have her now but I'm going through withdrawls and it's so hard to take care of her going through this and she don't deserve this. I don't know what to do.
19 Responses
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Avatar universal
Hey im going to side with kyle you addict brain is telling you b/s lyes and your believing them....''the desire to get clean must excide the desire to get high or this will not work'' you have to be ready  wishy washy will not work 1 is to many and 1000 is never enough you just cant pick up no mater what go threw the withdrawals  its only 4 or 5 days it is the ez part ...you need to learn how to live life with lifes problems  clean im telling you this twice because you did not here me the first time  for addicts like you and I the best solution is N/A it is free and the program will change your life if you give it a chance we really want to see you make it but nothing changes if nothing changes it is up to you to put the big boy pants on and take your life back your child dersirves that......Gnarly
Helpful - 0
1926359 tn?1331588139
Hey THere-
I feel for you, I do.  Cutting sources and going to NA and all that is great.  But truly, it sounds to me like you have not gone through the grieving process of losing those most important to you.  Listen, you are not a bad person because you are an addict.  I know a lot of addicts, myself one of them, and we are the kindest most compassionate people that I know....(:  You need support.  As a former grief support worker (I volunteered for hospice for years) I know the process.  You need some counselling and support.  And hey man, you DESERVE it.  We are only alone if we choose to be.  And if you continue to try to do this alone, the cold hard truth is that you won't make it.  Your daughter deserves her father.  And you deserve to be happy and healthy.  YOU DO.  We are all connected.  You just have to reach out and ask for help.  This forum is awesome but it cannot replace real human contact.  I live in Canada where there are a lot of free counselling and grief support services.  I don't know what exists in the States but NA is a great place to start.  It has saved many lives.  You deserve more than this existence.  For now you are surviving but for how long?  And you deserve to do more than just survive.  You deserve to thrive.  I wish you peace.  
Sending support...
Lu
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
thank you :) I hope he's still out there somewhere trying...
Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
GREAT post....Heroin4Life!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey,
I read your post and i jst wanted to say my heart goes out for you seriously i relate so much to feeling alone and having to keep it all a secret. Everytime i relapse i hide it from the world and carry that burden on my shoulders and my whole life just feels like one big lie. It eats away at you. But im the most stubborn person in the world and even though ive tried to detox myself 100 times and still end up giving in and getting heroin or oxy, i still wake up the next day and think ok this time ill be able to do it without telling anyone, this time it will be different. Im coming off a 6 month heroin relapse (in secret) right now and for the past few weeks ive been trying to detox on my own. The thing is, when you're alone, and you're sick in withdrawal and its just between you and your mind, the addict voice in your head will always win. That doesnt mean you are weak, its just that addiction is too powerful for us to handle on our own. Ive made the same mistake of trying to "do it on my own and keep it a secret" for years now even tho every time THE SAME THING HAPPENS and i cant do it. Thats the definition of insanity right there lol. But this time I just got to sick and tired of it, i knew i would never stop if i kept it a secret. The addiction wants you to keep it a secret, because it isolates you from the rest of the world, and when you try to detox in secret, it leaves the option open to relapse again in secret. When you're finally so sick of this deathly cycle the time will come when you put yourself and your life first and get honest. Theres so much more to life than getting high, spending days in bed in wd waiting to get more pills, getting more pills getting high, then detoxing in bed again until u get more pills, and around and around. I promise it'll feel like the biggest weight off your shoulders just being able to tell someone and let someone help you and be there for you. I get more of a high going to a meeting and talking ot other addicts and alcoholics and feeling that sense of connection and "a part of" than i ever did locked away in my bedroom killing myself with drugs. Regardless, whether or not you choose to ttell the people in your life is up to you, but at the very least, try and go to a meeting,  raise ur hand as a newcomer and talk to people. Let them help you, let yourself see that you are not alone, that u dont have to carry this all on your shoulders. Let others help you through this so you can get your life back and one day if u stay sober you will be able to pass it on and help another newcomer. I know how hard it is to get honest and say this out loud to someone. I kept my relapses in the dark and as a secret for a long time and many times i made this same mistake. I think its the most miserable isolating empty place to be, using and relapsing in secret that is. But when you're finally ready to accept that maybe, just maybe, you cant do this on your own, and reach out for help, you will finally be giving your self a true chance at life. Your daughter is so young right now, and you either have the ability to get high and have some weekends here or there with her or u have the ability to take this time, and do whats right for yourself, clean up, and get sober so that as she grows up she has an honorable, supportive, and reliable father for the rest of her life. I dont wanna sound like im preaching, i know how hard it is to admit that maybe afterall we cant do this on our own. Especially us addicts, because we are stubborn people. But there are other options out there for you and you dont have to be alone in ths. I think once you get honest and tell other people or try a meeting or some kind of support group u will be amazed at the amount of compassion and help you will receive. It also makes you accountable to other people, because at the end of the day, addiction is a powerful disease and we dont stand a chance at doing it alone. It doesnt mean we're weak, admitting to it and telling someone, thats what courage is. When you are ready to do this, you will know it. It took me a long time to get there but i knew it was my only chance at life. If i didnt, id end up dead. And if not dead, then alone and miserable. You can do this!
Helpful - 0
1970885 tn?1435860428
Granted - telling your secret and cutting your sources aren't "game changers" for everyone, but most of us have to do things differently than we have in the past or we will relapse. Having meds available is a terrible temptation, and we are weakest during withdrawals.
Mikesin - your addict's brain has dealt up a load of excuses to use; not reasons, excuses. And you're right - most of us relapsed (I did many times) before we got in to a solid recovery, but relapsing is still unacceptable, even if others have done it. Do not fall for that excuse - it only leads to failure.
I will say this again - if you have sources, you will use. If you keep your addiction to yourself, you will relapse - maybe not next week or next month, but you will. And yes, your head IS feeding you lies, and you are listening.
I offer this, on a public forum, based only on personal experience; my opinion. Maybe you will be successful without doing what I suggest. No matter how you get in to recovery, the point is to just get there.
K
Helpful - 0
7282682 tn?1397237735
Hang in there. This is not easy but doable,  The trick is to just keep trying. Keep posting!
Helpful - 0
4113881 tn?1415850276
My condolences about you mom and dad.

Your right...its not easy. Withdrawals are very hard to deal with and if you cant handle them then trying to get into a program is the best bet. Although telling your secret and cutting all sources are important...there not game changers if you ask me. Ive been clean a very long time and if need be I could drive to any one of my old connects houses to score REGARDLESS of the fact that I cut ties with them. Baby steps my friend....you cant conquer your addiction in one day. Right now, you need to concentrate on how you will get through the withdrawals. I like the idea about going to a meeting and getting a sponsor to help. Something because doing it on your own will be very hard.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know I'm not selling myself lies. I know not one of us here can say it's a easy thing no matter how much we tried the majority of us fail the first time out cause the withdrawls are the worst. I had rls before me getting addicted to the pills so my rls through withdrawl makes me lose my mind. If I didn't have that it might be a little easier for me to get through. I went to a detox facility before and it seemed like a good place. Nice & clean until the people I was with kept telling me if I don't like it to leave and when I get out there got hookups on the outside and all this negativity instead of helping me they was hurting me. I know I need to find a better place and better people to be around cause I know I can't make it alone. I just wish I had family or friends that are supportive to me but unfortunately I don't. My best friends were my mom and dad who both passed away a few years ago. My dad on st Patricks day and my mother on Christmas Day and the one other person who I could rely on would of been my brother but he is in jail for another year or two. I thank everyone for there comments and support and I will be dropping my daughter off soon and hopefully I can do this. 1min,1hr,1day at a time. Please god get me through this.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Addiction is a metal illness. Once you take one pill it seems like not enough because you have a physcial allergy/ craving that other people who can take medication do not. Go to a medical detox, have them taper you off completely in a safe environment then I would see if you're insurance covers a treatment facility. If not, get in the rooms of AA or NA- Narcotics Anonymous. Get a sober sponsor, meet sober people your age- it's so worth it.  It's tough to get sober but staying sober is easy. Pray, even if you don't believe on anything, pray the obsession to use goes away. Take it one day or one minute at a time.
Helpful - 0
1970885 tn?1435860428
The hard truth - as long as you have access to pills you will use. It doesn't matter what you write on this forum - how determined you are - you will use. If you get rid of ALL of your sources and tell you secret then maybe we can help. In the mean time you are just telling yourself lies.
K
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You need to understand You Can Not Do This By Youtself!!!! Many, many people have tried and maybe 1 out of 100 get off by themselves. You might as well spend everything you have on the lottery. You have every reason to stop (Your Daughter ) and you are still going out buying pills with her as your excuse. She needs her dad not a play buddy. I'm sorry if I am harsh but the sooner you realize you can't do this alone the quicker you are to a clean future giving your daughter what she deserves. Get busy making a plan. Get a loan to enter a one week detox center that also does group work while you are detoxing and after that first week get in an Outpatient program that you can attend after work. After relapsing time and time again I finally pulled my head out and went into the hospital for a one week detox which made detoxing so much easier. We attended group counseling and it helped a ton to be with others who are also detoxing. It was awesome. After the week I entered a 6 week Outpatient program 4 nights a week from 5 pm until 9 pm. I learned many, many tools to help me stay clean and I've been clean and sober and happy for 15 wonderful months. After the OPP I joined AA even though my problem was opiates. For some reason I like AA better than NA. It really doesn't matter they both are great. It won't cost you a dime unless u want to donate $1 each session. If I did it anyone can but you need to get your head straight because doing this alone will end up as continuing to relapse. Best of luck.
Helpful - 0
4522800 tn?1470325834
Unfortunately Life will throw you some curve balls even if you are clean. You have to have Support!!!
If you really want to do this you will need all the Support you can get. There is NO Easy Way Out!
The Detox is Nothing compared to the work we must do to stay clean.
Once again you did use a Excuse!! That just breaks my Heart! I lost 4 Family members in a 90 day period and had 18months in and I had to UP my Support! YES that tape in the Brain played over & over for me to run and hide on something! BUT I was tuned in to what was happening up stairs in my own head.
Addiction is a Brain Disease. Go and do some research about this. It will not cure you or Support you but it will give you some insite on maybe WHY you might be using or WHAT happens when we use.
I sure wish you the Best and at first you must fight with everything you got and when you SURRENDER to this process it will get better and better!
Bless
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I didn't make it through. I went out and bought a few to be able to enjoy the time with my daughter. It shouldn't be a excuse but I did. I do get them prescribed but as many people  I'm out within a week or so. I'm really not sure what to do. I will be dropping my daughter off this weekend and I know it will be easier to go through it without her here but also I was thinking of how I could taper off of them. I know u have to have a lot of willpower to do that cause the more you see the more you want to do. So either I start this weekend or if I had 45 pills for the month how should I taper off of them. I really hate this.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey keep it up I'm on like hour 40 and it ***** lets do this. I'd rather live with my back pain then have these pills control me! I'm am doing it so can you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
HI  i agree with Kyle your an addict it does not mean your a bad person  your sick with the disease of addiction it can be arrested and then recovery is possible  for me N/A has done the trick it is a simple plan that if used will help you stay clean  left alone addiction will lay in waiting for the first chance to take you down  you all ready know that if you just look at the history you gave us im farlly sure it has been the same most of your life  at least for me it was  know I live in recovery  I have real friend if I miss one of my meetings I get calles from my friend asking if im ok we do all kinds of things together we pick nick we go to dances we go tubing every year we have bonfire meetings at night your life will have a sense of purpose again and you will be around clean people who do what it takes to stay clean  for me it is go to the functions help others and do 4 meetings a week give it a try you already lost everything important to you time to find a new way of life b/4 this disease kills you.....................Gnarly...........................
Helpful - 0
684676 tn?1503186663
addiction is such a self centered dis-ease ! once you step outside your self, and choose to think of others, (especially your child)and how the ripple effect of your addiction effects them, hopefully you will desire to begin detox, then recovery, you need to have courage , determination, and perseverance, then keep asking for and accept help.I truly hope you will......
Helpful - 0
7188197 tn?1399464311
Hi and Welcome! YOU CAN DO THIS! It is hard but it is so doable. Don't cave. I felt like complete **** for a little while and then things seemed to get better. Now I am almost at 4 months ... Damn I cant believe that because I never thought I would get off of those evil devil pills. They robbed me from everything I once enjoyed I HATE those pills. lol
How many days clean are you? How did you feel after detoxing in jail? 9 Months is some good time I bet you were feeling better damn good huh?!?
Your little one deserves her daddy to be clean. I have a little boy and Jeez it would kill me in the beginning of detox I felt so useless but thank god he is still little because I have his whole life to be a better mommy for him, and for myself. I was always there for him but mentally I was high so I was cleaning and running around like a crazy lady lol

There is a link at the bottom of this forum called "The Thomas Recipe" It will help you go through withdrawals making certain feelings more comfortable. I must say though you need to STOP if you want to live, eventually this disease will kill us. Do it for that baby!!!
AND you MUST CUT ALL YOUR SOURCES. Are you prescribed or buying them off the streets? I was never prescribed so I cut my dealer off and she was tough to get rid of but I did it! Trust me honey if I can do this you can do this.

Keep posting we will walk with you through every step of the way.
Helpful - 0
1970885 tn?1435860428
Unfortunately your addiction is stronger and comes before everything, even your child...and your life. If you continue to use you will certainly lose visitation with your child, and may eventually lose your life.
I can go on and on, and others will post their support and advice, but the bottom line is you will not stop until you want to. You write how hard it is to get off the pills, and that is a fact, however, hundred of addict have been successful and are now living a life in recovery.
Once you decide to get clean, and are ready to put the work in, then let us know. Being here because you've run out of pills and are in withdrawal doesn't necessarily mean that you truly want to stop.
K
Helpful - 0
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