What encourages you ?

[mrrstracy]

Today while reading the posts I realized that it is so encouraging to see the vets here really reaching out and trying to help the newcomers. Some people probably get tired of hearing me say this, but here goes again. If we really want freedom, then we must get out of our comfort zone and reach out to others!
When we were little kids (maybe some of us still are. LOL) we depended on our parents to teach us, comfort us, and be there for us. This isn't much different. There are people here that share with us things that they have probably never told another person. What we do with that kind of trust is totally up to us. As for me, I will answer the call. I appreciate everyone of you here that take the time to answer. Personally I find my strength in helping others. It makes me realized that I am blessed to have what I do. For so many others that I know and work with every day. This could be all they have.  I don't mean to be so mushy or sentimental, but I wasn't always like this. I was a self centered little brat that only thought of myself. So if you think I'm too mushy, sorry, but I'm glad I can feel now.

Tracy

[groovygirl]

I like mushy...our daughter encourages me to be better.  That little, trusting face looking up at me makes me realize how much I have to lose.  Or, I'll get an email from my husband telling me how much he loves me or how proud he is of me...family makes me work harder.  Talk about mushy...

[shubunkin]

I totally agree with you. These people are wonderful! I read daily and when I do decide the time is right to quit my Xanax addiction I will seek help from the kind people here. And My doctor of course! I do know the dangers of quitting Xanax cold turkey and do not plan on doing that so any suggestions when I do get ready will greatly be appreciated! Peace, Danielle

[mrrstracy]

I know what you mean! It's the little things that make my heart melt. It's amazing of what a kind word or just an appreciative thought will do for you.

Shubunkin,
I'm not really sure about the xanax. I did have an ativan addiction a few years ago and it was a beast!. I shook for a year after I went off of them. I'm sure someone else here has taken them and can answer your question though. I would think it would be wise to consult a Dr. when it comes to benzo's though.

Tracy

[hippy]

im an addict, and i want to stay clean, so
what encourages me . is when more addicts like myself start
getting better.
i just hate to see addicts stick to there own idea's
because our ouw idea's got us into  more of a mess then we would like to admit.we need to surrender.]
there are just a few roads for addicts to go down.

i wish you all a comfortable day,
peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[PING]

yea hippee, my own ideal's has had me in trouble almost all of my adult life, at first it was booze, then pot, and now these pills, you know when i knew i was in trouble, a new dr gave me a scrip for 90 percocet, i went across the parking lot clapping my hands, at that time 1 would give me the high i wanted, soon i was taking 6-8 a day, because of the tynol, he swithed me to oxy, 3 a day, now i am taking only 2 a day, dosen't feel very good. hope you, and all the guys are having a decent day. peace.
                                 lee.

[PING]

yea hippee, my own ideal's has had me in trouble almost all of my adult life, at first it was booze, then pot, and now these pills, you know when i knew i was in trouble, a new dr gave me a scrip for 90 percocet, i went across the parking lot clapping my hands, at that time 1 would give me the high i wanted, soon i was taking 6-8 a day, because of the tynol, he swithed me to oxy, 3 a day, now i am taking only 2 a day, dosen't feel very good. hope you, and all the guys are having a decent day. peace.
                                 lee.

[DIRTBAG]

I am encourged (sp) but the simple fact that over this past month I has read all of your posts and found out that I am not alone in my secret life, the lies I tell for pills. the stupid operations I've had for pills, how much I love my family and hate myself for pills and that no matter what stage I'm in using or not I can come here, I hope stays true for me. My past behavior is when I join a recovery group when I fall I don't return.  I admitting that I relapse and so far I always do, my first week clean is coming though I know its coming. peagravel

[Bodymechanic]

I have always thought that the risk of seizures while quitting benzos although real, is greatly over exadurated. The problem is that you never know who will have seizures and at what dose.  In any event the miracle drug clonidine will help prevent seizures.  Tegretol is another drug that will help.  Having dealt with that,  all that is left to do is a slow wean so that you will not be too miserable.

Peace

[livingdeadgirl]

OK, so I am back on Percocets 5/325instead of the tylenol3's, they just did not let me function.  Found out Wednesday that I need a second decompressive laminectomy, had one last October at the L4-5 level, and at that time the Dr. said I had another bad level, L5-S1, but he did not want to get into it at the time.  Here it is 1 year later and the MRI I had in August (10months post surgery) shows the L5-S1 almost completely closed!  So what does the DR. say? "Now I am wondering if I should have taken care of that when I was in there!"  The stenosis has progressed so rapidly it is almost unbelieveable, he just keep looking at the MRI, then at me, then at the MRI, then he says "How old are you?" 36, with the spine of a 90year old who manually plowed fields her whole life.  I am so depressed at the thought of another spinal surgery.  I asked him about the dehydrated disks that I have, 3 of them, and all he said was "We know you have a lot of problems with your spine"  I think he should be doing a fusion this time along with the laminectomy, but he doesn't seem to think I need it.  I am very concerned about spinal instability, particularly after 2 surgeries in the lumbar.  Has anyone had any experience in this?  I need for feedback.  My current Dr. is a neurosurgeon, the only one in the area.  I am going to get a second a opinion 150miles away from an orthopedic surgeon.  I am just afraid that in another year I will need a fusion and rods because "He should have done it when he was in there."  Know what I mean? I would truly appreciate any input.  Thanx everyone, and hang in there!

Maxine

[bmac]

I had L4/5 S1 fusion in 1992 and it did work beautifully.I went thru the same thing with having several disc repairs before this.
A second opinion is great but seeing an orthodepic surgeon you
need to be careful.A neurosurgeon is the best kind of doc to see for this condition.I know there are alot of orthapedic docs that are good at fusion but they use too much hardware.I only have bone from my hips and disc spacers made from plastic and bone from the bone bank.
I still have back pain but it's all scar tissue pain.
The S1 level is the most painful because of all the nerves going thru such a tiny area.Good luck and try to listen to what they tell you.You will learn the best way to proceed.
                                bmac

[livingdeadgirl]

Thanx for the input.  I have heard cautions against ortho surgeons for spinal surgeries.  I am justanxious to hear his opinion.  I totally trust the operating skills of my neuro, but I just think instability with the degenerative disks and having 2 decompressive laminectomies.  The second opinion is just to see what he thinks I need to have done, not to have him do it.  Unfortunately today I received a letter from workman's comp that I need to have another independent medical evaluation, to see if their Dr. thinks I need surgery.  The funny thing is that at this point the MRI tells the whole story, not how far I can bend or how much pain I am in.  I will ask him to please just tllok at the MRI, and not put me through the motions again.  It kills me everytime.  I walk with a cane as it is and can only walk 1/8 of a mile, 2 flights of stairs, stand for about 15 minutes, and sitting I need to change positions frequently.  I was making $13.50 an hour when I was hurt, so if they think I enjoy living on the comp pay they are crazy!  Thanx again for the info and for letting me vent.  I really need to chat somewhere and this forum has been great for me!
Maxine

[DIRTBAG]

I'm sorry I can't comment or lend advice to any medical problems, I'm so stupid, I'm healthy and excercise regularly and I still use anyway, I eat good, I have no physical issues until I start kicking. Anyway I'm sorry for all going through the real pain and the surgeries and trying to quit. You will be in my prayers. peagravel

[mrmichael67]

I have had two spinal fusions, L4-5 and L5-S1.  What state do you live in?

[puma]

Peagravel,

You do have real medical issues called addiction, and you need to eventually confront detoxing if you want to get off the stuff. That's not easy so don't feel guilty complaining about it or sharing it. You need all the support you can get, to get up the courage to try, when you are ready. Good luck,

Chatahan

[Bodymechanic]

Back surguries including laminectamy, laminectamy with disectamy, laminectamy with discectamy and fusion all have one major drawback. They permanantly alter the normal biomechanics of the spine and the rest of the body. All too often within 5 years another spinal segment will "wear out" requiring another surgury. A replacement spinal disc will hopefully solve this problem but this proceedure is still fairly new. The other problem with these types of surguries is the build up of scar tissue.  Scar tissue can cause almost as many problems as the herniated disc.

LivingDeadGirl

The MRI results do not tell the whole story.  The reason is that there have been studies done using just MRI results.  Based solely on the MRI results, you cannot tell which patients have pain and with ones don't. More over, if you give a patient MRIs both while they are in pain and then after the pain is completely gone, the results of the MRI will be identical. Meaning that the pain is gone but the patient still has a positive MRI. A much more reliable study is the nerve conduction test.  This will tell you how much actual nerve damage has been done. Preventing nerve damage is what spinal surgury is all about.

Peace

[livingdeadgirl]

I live in NY.  I understand that I will haveinstability after all this, so I would like a fusion and/or rods done at the same time as the decompressive laminectomy.
Bodymechanic, I think in my case, with the spinal stenosis, that the MRI will show that the nerves are compressed, that is what I mean by it telling the whole story.  When the neuro did the first laminectomy, 10/23/01, the L5-S1 was not too badly closed, but in 10 monthes it has almost completely closed.  I am saying that I do not feel that I need to go through the motions for the comp Dr., he has already seen me twice and knows what kind of pain I am in already.  I cried throught the first exam, and started to at the end of the second.  He has already mentioned that my prognosis is fair, isn't that one step below poor?  I will let all of you know what the ortho thinks after Thursday.
Maxine

[mrrstracy]

Chatatans right! Just because you don't have a bad back or something like that doesn't mean you don't have any reason to use also. When I'm not in physical pain, I find that very often, I'm in more emotional pain! Sometimes the only thing I knew how to do was to pop another pill and I would be numb so I wouldn't have to feel it. So don't you feel like you aren't like everyone else because you are physically healthy. I've seen whith the ladies I work with, that if we can find the root to the emotional pain they're feeling and where it came from, they recover alot faster because that guilt and memories of the things that happened to them or by them is gone once they confront it. Sorry, don't mean to sound like Dr. Phil!! LOL

Tracy

[DIRTBAG]

Don't fret I love Dr. Phil, Man the more I read and the more I post the more I'm starting to see how sick I make myself. Like everyone I guess I have so many issues that probably started long ago, its hard for me to see addiction as a true medical condition, it seems like a choice but it isn't I have to use to live and I live to use man I want to stop this cycle, Thursday I leave for Chicago and I am tapering now to go and be clean for a week I need advice to stay clean once I've kicked which will happen I've done it on vacation many times. Then I come home feel the pressure and start up again, I hope all of you will help carry me through it.  Coming back to real life I've read other posts from folks who are enjoying life with out pills I hope I will.  Peace peagravel

[beenthere2]

Oh you will dirtbag.  You will, you will, you will.  You will SO enjoy LAP (life after pills) that when you look back at this period of time in your life, it will leave you shaking your head.  Like you, I had unnecessary surgery's and injuries in an effort to get more pills- I didnt care what they were as long as they gave me that ummmmmm, nice, warm feeling.  Tylenol #, percocet, vicoden, ms contin, does it matter?  Nope- they were just the conduit to get me where I wanted to go.  And that was to a place where I felt "comforted".  Do you know the saying "Life is a journey...... enjoy the ride"?  Well what the pills, coke, pot, heroin, alcohol, etc are doing are covering up the windows.  Picture being on a long train ride and instead of looking out and seeing the beautiful countryside, there is black crepe on the windows.  That's what addiction is.  The "covering up" of life that we have no desire to participate in.  The irony is that once you get through all the **** of detox and getting some sort of control back, looking out the windows is really pretty damm nice.  And you cant imagine why you ever wanted to cover those windows up.  Hang in there.

[GOD]

Wow. Your description of addiction was PERFECT. I loved how you described the windows covered with crepe paper... That's REALLY what it is: Sitting alone in darkness with yourself. Sobriety IS opening that window and letting the world, and other people shine on in!

Keep posting~

~~~~Jess~~~~

[Thomas02]

One of the big problems staying clean is returning to environments, like work, in which you're used to being high. I got that way with my last job. After staying clean all weekend, I'd get to work on Monday and feel an irrestible pressure to score and use. It didn't help that I hated the job. But I would have done the same in a job I loved.

When you return to work after your trip, go in knowing that you will almost certainly feel that way (count on it, trust me). One thing you could try is to find a way, if at all possible, to change the routine of the day. Even small measures may help - just so it doesn't feel like same ole same old. Does your business (family business, right?) run deliveries? Can you ever visit a customer? Even a different pre-work routine, such as early morning exercise. Perhaps a different luncheon place or new lunch partner. Things like that.

Food for thought.

Thomas

[LAPPER]

hey talk about breaking routines, i do HVAC work in center city and used to keep a ashtray full of O.C. 80'S in my truck for the simple pleasure of getting high. i wound up quitting my job to break that routine. i cannot work in that same enviorment till i have some recovery under my belt. the post about the "looking out the train window" i want to see the beautiful view. for so long i have been medicating myself for the simple pleasure of the buzz. i am 23 days clean and i so want to feel normal again. i realize it is not going to come overnight so i could certainly use some advice and some hope. i am not necessarily craving the pill as much as trying to live without.
still having trouble sleeping and crying a bunch. humbled and humiliated is what i feel but i truly know in my heart that if you do not go thru the this pain and suffering you will probably not appreciate the feeling of victory.
sleepless in philly.....phillybee2

[DIRTBAG]

Its me peagravel, dirtbag and the final name longhauler I kept screwing u[ my passwords but this is really me, Thanks for the post Thomas I am concerned about changing my routine and getting bored and stressed,I will be talking to you about it when I get there right now my main concern is to kick. I can't wait to post with some clean days I got 8 hydros under my belt for today and having a dinner party for my husbands birthday and its probably gonna be a 12 hydro day but Thursdays coming and I'm getting out of here, I can't wait I hope I can find a internet cafe to talk to you when I'm gone.  How are you doing?

[Thomas02]

I'm around most of the time. I'm happy to talk to you any time you can find a PC. How am I doing? Not so bloody hot right now. My doc cut me off from my Lortabs (on my birthday, yet), saying he needed a new MRI before he could resume prescribing. But since I'm unemployed, broke and without insurance, a new MRI is going to be hard to swing. I guess I'm in for a long stay in the House of Pain this time. Finding a job would solve the problem, but there are few positions available in my profession right now, and the holidays are just that much worse. Perhaps I should become an alcoholic. At least the guy at the liquor store doesn't need to see an MRI ...

Thomas

[Witchywoman]

Thomas, maybe I'm reading too much into your post, but I am really worried about you.  As you know my husband recently lost his job and was without work for many months. We were both terrified, and so I can relate at least in some measure to what you might be feeling.

Thomas I don't know what I'm trying to say here, or how to even go about saying it.  I am sorry you are in such pain on so many different levels.  You know that I feel the world is a better place with you in it, I hope and pray that you situation improves. With your permission I'd like to send you healing energy and even to a job spell for you..lol...what the hell, it can't hurt to try!

No matter what, you are a very special person to me, corny as that may sound. When I was filled with self doubt, self hatred, fear and tremendous shame, you brought a smile to my heart and reminded me that I have value.  When I wanted to hide in embarrassement over being an addict you made me laugh and realize that just because I am an addict does not mean that I am scum. When I made the decision to get clean and go cold turkey, you where there with you recipe and helped me get through the worst of it.

What I'm trying to say is that you saved me, you along with the other angels of this forum.  If there is anything that I can do to help you, please, please let me know. I know you are a resourceful, intelligent and strong man and you might not need any support from me, but I just want you to know that I'm here for you in any way that I can be.  If you want to talk, email me at ***@**** and I'll even give you my phone number.

I'm sorry if this sounds too mushy or anything like that. I know you are strong and can take care of yourself. And I also know that you are human and like all humans, knowing that someone cares about you can help a lot sometimes. My gut just tells me you might need that awareness right about now.

I'll stop now at the risk of rambling even more. I think you know what I'm trying to get across. I care. You matter. Got it?

love,
Tara aka WW

[percsnomas]

.....a lit'l nervous to(cause you've always sounded like such a formidable force), but i second WWs' post.
**** people in my circle, think i have this long-lost friend that i've been hiding....cause apparently i say Thomas said this or Thomas wouldn't suggest that.
You've given me(and sooooo many others) such great advice/support, always with razor sharp truth and of course humor when it's most needed....
bla bla bla......just know you have a pretty big fan club