What is my problem??? UGH!!!!

What the heck is wrong with me? OK, don't answer that...LOL
Seriously, as most of you know, my Grandma recently passed away, and that in itself is devastating to me since she helped raise me. I just can not seem to get past these darn mood swings. One minute I am GREAT, the next, I feel literally like I have no reason for living....I am really sick of this.
Of course, these feelings bring on MAJOR cravings. It really is getting to me. I can take something someone says really bad and get depressed, and 5 minutes later, re-think it and realize that I am probably taking things the wrong way. UGH!! I guess I would like any advice or maybe I just finally needed to vent. Sorry all. Just need to scream or break something or anything!!!

[Jacqui805]

That's a loaded question...what's wrong with you?  ; )    Seriously son, it's PAWS...know it well myself, the ups are big, the downs are big as well.  I'm telling you girl, there are days I think I've gone completely nuts 'cause I'm the same way....This down you're in, will most likely pass, and if it doesn't, you gotta do something about it.  Or I will!  I swear if things were not tight right now, I'd be at your door tomorrow.  Until that day, I'll be here for you.

[Marce4]

I hear ya! I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for the last year.  I attribute part of this to my addiction and recovery, and part of this to being perimenopausal.....I don't know how old you are but this combination seems to be lethal!!!LOL Seriously, we have screwed with our minds and now they are trying to repair themselves. It takes time but I think it is well worth the effort to get our lives back.  Be patient with yourself and the cravings do pass....try to occupy yourself with something you enjoy to take your mind of the cravings, I have been there and still feel the same way you do.  Stay strong!
Marcie

[Chi_Chi_Lover]

Are you in any kind of counseling? Like Jacqui says you are going through the PAWS and then dealing with the death of a dear loved one. Its a lot for anyone to have to go through. I know what a horrible feeling it is, depression is awful and it puts you in such a dark place. Grief is hard, I have lost both of my parents and I know the hole it leaves in your heart. You know that you have reasons to live. I know you are very sad and depressed but your grandmother would not want you to think like that she loved you and wants the best life for you.
Are you keeping busy? What are you doing with your time. Get busy and find some joy in things you like to do.

Hugs,

Chi Chi

[cathy5841]

Hun, why havent you talked to me about this. i know you are coming up on 3 months right??well is the big scope of things that not alot of time. okay babe dont kill me..i know to you it seems a life time.   go back and read my jopurnal entry about time..it will help you keep things in perspective.  now for the a$$ kickin for not talking to me.  kick.  kick. kick.  i love ya and tell me stuff from now on.
cathy

[paul300]

The gym works for me although that may not be an option. Seems to level my mood swings some. And I take zoloft. I'm OCD, ADD, dynamic person and the vitamin Z clips the highs and lows.

[sadinmichigan]

I think jacqui hit it...that 4 letter word..I am dealing with that too on top of everyday stress which you have as well plus the tramau of losing your grandma..You are always in my prayers,,and i second Cathy's motion..KICK KICK KICK..
love ya lots

[worried878]

Stress brings on paws for me...i have figured that one out ...hold on to your support systems and hang in there...it wil pass..u have come to far to cave now girl..u know that...thinking of u and wishing u luck

[confused456]

Jacqui....I am waiting for that day!! Hurry up!!! Maybe I should take my "low" days and go visit ppl and then maybe they will pay me to leave...LMFAO, then I will mail you the funds so you can get your a$$ here!! LOL

Marce4.....I am 32 and WOW, I feel for ya!! That is a lot to be going through!!

Chi_Chi.....I have missed you!! Hmmm...occupy my time, LOL, well I have 3 kids and they take up most of my time except during the days when they are at school and then honestly I sit my butt in this chair and read and write. That is my wonderful life. I used to LOVE to read, write, and some other things but I honestly have not even felt like doing much of anything. I hate just going to the store anymore. I am losing my mind.

Momma!!!! I am sorry!! In my own defense, I know that you have been dealing with a lot too and you help so many people, I know you are going to kill me for even thinking this, but I did not want to burden you with my ****. I was hoping I could get through it but that isn't happening. I know you are here for me always and I am sorry. I am heading to read your journal. Love you too.

[confused456]

Paul.....LOL, I actually like the gym but with gas prices and the nearest gym being a 40 minute drive, that is not happening. Maybe I should haul my equipment down from the attic. Actually, that isn't a bad idea!! Thanks!!

Sad....Oh you have been through a ton and hang in there. Glad you got your gas on!!

Worried....thanks! I know I have and I would hate myself for giving in now, but it is VERY hard not to sometimes.

[Chi_Chi_Lover]

I have been there and not wanted to get out of bed. I had to make myself get up to get the boys off to school and then I just sat and did nothing. You don't want to even go to the grocery store you might see someone and have to talk...I have been there. A lot of that is the PAWS, it makes you anti-social. You are having to learn how to deal and react without the meds/drugs. It took me a while to get past that.
I know you are busy with your kids but I want you to know its okay to find joy in your life. I know you feel guilty when you laugh or anything after a close loss. I understand those feelings but know that your grandma would want you to be happy.
Whatever it is that makes you feel good or you loved to do, find it again and do it. It will help you heal.
For me it was exercise and running. For some it is gardening or volunteering at school you need to do something for YOU, not the kids and husband but something "you" love and that will keep you busy till this passes.
I've missed you too, been on vacation, and now going crazy with end of school room mom stuff and Jr./Sr. prom. I have plenty you could help me with, LOL

xoxoxo's
Chi

[cathy5841]

maybe you would benifit from some antidepressants.  nothing long term just something to get you through like the next six months.  i have read that the success rate for addicts increase by 25% for those that take them for the first year.  you know unfortunately we put our brains and bodies through hell and they sometimes need help to recover.  there is no shame in that.  AND  if you get back on here and start posting again it helps you see others are worse off than you and that should pick you up some.  and yes you are on my hit list now.  I AM HERE FOR YOU.....

[mimi1313]

I'm so sorry. I know you have had such a rough time but you have so many friends here who care about you, so I have to agree with Cathy kick, kick! And like she said start posting again!!

I also agree with Cathy on the antidepressants. They still let you feel emotions but take away the extreme high and lows.

I hope everything gets a little better for you. I know the grieving for your grandma will take some time. You know if you need me, I'm here.

Big Hugs!!!!
Melissa

[confused456]

Chi_Chi....hope you had a nice vacation, and I know you are right. I do need to start getting back into something. I have several books that I still haven't read yet, and have been thinking I need to actually open them. I would love to help you if I was close!! My oldest is just so active in EVERYTHING, which I am very glad ans sooooo proud of her, but at the same time, I am always driving her everywhere which is tiring. Not to mention I have the other 2 which are also great and I am very proud of as well, and they are also active, but not as much as the oldest. My kids are my life and being that I got pregnant at 16, I just want to be such a great Mom and prove statistics wrong, and I think I have so far, LOL, but in doing so, I have had not much if any time for myself. Everything revolves around my kids and that really is fine with me, I enjoy watching them do their things, but I am literally worn out and with this PAWS, I have noticed that I am not enjoying these things like I use to, and that makes me feel horrible, I have actually thought to myself, "Oh man, not another activity, does this ever end"....that made me feel like DIRT!!! I have never felt that way when it comes to my kids. Oh, I have to get out of this somehow.

Cathy, I read your journal and I understand that. It makes perfect sense. I don't want to try anti-depressants....ugh!! I don't know, I guess I need to do something about it though. You are so right, I do need to get back here and start posting again. It helped me soooo much!! I know we discussed this last night and I know you are right. (as always) =)  No more a$$ kicking, I know you are here for me, and I won't forget it. Thanks!!!

[confused456]

Thank you Melissa!! I agree, I need to get back to posting and starting to get back to what makes me happy. Not so sure about meds.....but I will at least think about it.

[Jacqui805]

Perhaps we can start a fund-raiser.....you know, to sponsor a trip for me up there...over there...

[confused456]

Jacqui...LMAO....I think that's a great idea!!

[cathy5841]

I AM NOT CONTRIBUTING..I AM SAVING MONEY FOR MY OWN TRIP.  MAYBE WE CAN MEET UP THE JAQUI!!!!!  THEN CONFUSED CAN FEED US.

[confused456]

LMFAO Cathy!!! You both are always welcome anytime!! No invite needed!! You can just show up and yes, i will feed ya!!!

[Jacqui805]

You got the idea....ROAD TRIP!!!!!!!!

[poetrygirl1960]

I feel like I'm getting ready to repeat what everyone else here has said but YES PAWS sucks beyond the telling of it.  I know how it feels to not want to get out of bed.  Give yourself a break in knowing that someone who nurtured you as you grew up is gone now, I think it's understandable to feel moody now.  The thing is we have always been able to become "comfortably numb" in times like this and now we feel EVERYTHING!  As cheesy as it may sound you are really growing from this experience right now.  Each day will get better, the highs will level out and the lows will get back up to where they're suppose to be.  

So, if you feed me I'm in for the road trip too!:)

Much love,
Lisa

[confused456]

Lisa!! You are more than welcome and I will feed you too. I think maybe I am gonna have to get some extra groceries....LOL
I keep telling myself things will get better. I hope they do soon.

[lostdreams]

Hey hun
I'm so sorry you feel like this, you know you are in my thoughts! PAWS are......................................c**p, keep posting and hopefully the cravings will pass. You have done so well to get through all that has happened, i'm proud of you and you should be too! You know we are here for you, pm me anytime hun.

oh, if you wanna smash something, you go ahead! lol. Isn't that what smashable things are there for??? lol

[confused456]

lostdreams...LOL....thanks and I appreciate you!! You are a great friend!! Thanks.

[cathy5841]

hey, i wanted to again address your original post.  i understand not want ing to take pills of any kind.  but for some relief from symptoms it may be the way for you to go short term.  especially if it prevents you from craving.  and a possible relapse.  talk about an a$$ kicking. lol   antidepreeants are to elevate your mood and give you motivation.  they cant be all bad lol
love
cathy

[LONESOME]

you sound just like me lol, I was feeling the same way are you taking any madication for depression? my doctor put me on lexapro and also trileptal that is suppost to be by bi polar and seazures but what it does is stabilizes your mood swings and I have to tell you it really works. I was the kind of person that would drawn in a glass of water and now I really analize everything in my life I don't jump into conclusions I don't thing everyone is out to get me or judging me maybe you should look in to it just for now while you are sorting thing out.
Good luck and just remember you only have one life.

[confused456]

Lonesome....I am not taking anything right now, but you all seem to think its a good idea,  
so I am thinking hard about it now. I guess if it helps get me out of this "funk" so to speak....LOL......ugh, I just try to be optimistic and I get so ..............I don't know!! Anyways, I am thinking about the meds. and may talk to the Dr. but I am not sure.

[LONESOME]

just keep an open mind I didn't want to be on then either but not that I'm and I see the difrence in how I act and also it has help me with my decision to stop the painkillers too I think that it has help me sooo much keeping me going when I just really have gone thru so much latetly really I don't know how I'm able to function with everything that I'm going thru and I'm not home under my bed with the lights off lol (even though I really want to sometimes) lol

[confused456]

Thanks Lonesome. I have been thinking about it all day. I do think I should talk to my Dr. about it. Thank you again. I am here if you ever would like to talk, you can message me anytime. I know just talking sometimes will make me feel a little better about things. Hugs....I hope things get better for you also!!

[GoingToMakeIt]

It's time to break out the amino acids. Try SamE 400mg it helps the mood and energy too. Exercise if you are able. It gets the endorphin production going. Eat some dark chocolate.

[allaboutmary]

So sorry your so down. I agree with getting some antidepressants. Sometimes our bodies need a little push, especially after detoxing.  Magi had me really worried there for a while. She just couldn't pull out of her funk.  The doctor put her on Cymbalta and she is doing so much better. I was one that was always againts all these antidepressants, but sometimes you almost have no choice. Sometimes trying to wait it out can be dangerous. Hugs, Mary

[confused456]

Thanks GTMI and Mary. I agree that I need to do something and I am going to do something because I can't keep on like this. I appreciate everyones comments so much. Posting has actually made me feel a ton better already today and I think I might go outside for a few!! I guess I have to see how cold it is today....LOL...stupid Michigan weather!! Thank you all again so very much!! You all rock!!!! HUGS

[GoingToMakeIt]

Which ever route you go is OK. But it is not good to ignore it.
Hugs back at ya

[NautyOne]

you can beat me up.....I'll let you.

Nauty..........

[confused456]

Thanks GTMI...I know I shouldn't ignore it.

Nauty....I think letting out some frustration isn't a bad idea sometimes!! LOL